Challenging myself

Talking to my friend - she said that people gravity towards me because I have an aura of calm and control - this isn't something I have cultivated and it works against me in many ways since I appear incredibly capable even when I don't feel that way (which is often!). I think it's also a barrier to closeness as I appear on the surface to be perfect, without need. It's certainly not intentional - maybe I need to just repeatedly open up to those I trust about how I feel and the closeness will kind of cultivate itself.

i just added to say i love my strength and independence also.
true fact!

i've been there and it's good, you want intimacy with someone you can trust (who has demonstrated that) believe me.
it's scary but so are lots of things that turn out not so bad. like job hunting, or childbirth.
you get to the other side .

you don't have to give up being you , or the things about you that you respect and admire!
you will just find another facet of yourself.
when i began to be vulnerable it felt like having no skin.
but over time i practiced and grew to enjoy it and love it.

absolutely.
i am very strong and athletic, and i enjoy having a healthy strong body also.
it serves me well with my work, my play, my life.
it's a reflection of who i am.
i have suffered illness and serious injury before also, but i came back stronger than ever.
i don't take it for granted, i know i could be compromised any day.
but, i believe in the mind-body connnection.

Adding to this, remember that fear is not a positive attribute, and we are at our best when we challenge it and proceed with what we want to accomplish anyway.

if anyone can, we can, right?!? 😂😍😂😍😘

i began to really notice deactivation in myself, and it's been very hard to overcome.
it's been a long process.
my partner helped as we became more intimate.
over time, our situation became unstable as he confronts a major life issue (traumatic) that destabilized our relationship, and my deactivation was a response to instability.
i count that growth actually! i not only need and enjoy intimacy, i need and enjoy stability and consistency in intimacy! that's awesome actually!

the deactivation process is DEEEEEEP DEEEP DEEP for me and has required the will and determination of my life to overcome. but, little by little, i have come so far!!!!
i am very proud of it.

i am not all the way healed, maybe i will always keep those scars. but, they have faded. i'm beautiful.

i don't forget what it's been like.
becoming vulnerable burned my insides, it was really a lot to assimilate.
i remember thinking that i can't come near the courage it takes to love someone and let them love me. when i felt the vulnerability it was raw and painful. i couldn't understand how normal people can live with it. but i just kept showing up and allowing it. it was a process.
but that was just fear, i'm ok now.

i will love solitude! i still am strong! actually stronger now and less alone. i like it a lot. it's the only way it's possible to live well, in my opinion.

Thank you for asking! It goes well actually!

I have continued to connect - it's easy, with people who make it easy. I see more and more how the men I have felt connection with have actually evoked the feeling of distance with which I feel so comfortable and that this is interpreted in my head as "love" or "attraction".

When you feel worthy I guess that kind and consistent attention begins to be the only thing acceptable - certainly from talking to my close friends in the last few days there is no danger in opening up - they are genuinely good people, deeply proven over time to be deserving and I am very very lucky to have them.

One of my distancing mechanisms is eating - if I am overwhelmed with tiredness, with the chaos of a house full of bouncy children, with the demands of work, the constant mobile devices pinging, by the end of the day it feels all I can do is to escape in some mindless eating - to just zone out rather than experience the horrible chaos. This is something I have really battled with - rationally I know exactly what I should do - in experiencing the feelings rather than reaching for the nearest thing to quench them, but somehow the practicalities seem somewhat difficult to achieve. Because I am active my weight is not an issue, but I despise the way I sometimes treat my poor body and hope that working with myself gently will help to heal what I know is a really unhelpful coping behaviour.

I am asking myself again and again what I need - this evening I have a rare time without children and have put off a regular commitment because I feel I need to spend time with myself in peace, rather than more and more rushing to be somewhere. That can wait - a gentle evening of yoga and quiet is what is called for.

The ex seems less and less appealing in the light of the pain the relationship caused to me (or I allowed it to cause!~) that's a really good thing as he's always lurking on the sidelines. It's good to know you can wish someone well and bear them no ill will whilst also walking away for your own sake.

Very excitingly I have today booked a holiday - yoga for a whole week somewhere sunny, adventurous, clear sea and lovely friends too. I can't believe really that despite my weirdness, I have such wonderful friends who excuse me my habitual distance and are willing to engage without crowding.

Thank you to my friends here too - I fear sometimes my responses on other posts are a bit blunt and apologies for that - of course nobody knows what's best for anyone else and if I feel I do in the heat of the moment, it's a sure sign I ought to back off a bit!

It's so easy to fall into habitual patterns of feeling hopeless, worrying things will never change - I needed waking up from that trance and am very grateful for the shove.

I have just had to messages in close succession from clients - kind, reliable, stable people - one just checking in seeing how I was doing, the second offering to help with something related to my children and inviting me to an event - both were unsolicited small acts of kindness and generosity and I felt really affected by being open to their compassion - in other words it actually touched me in a way that very often kindness does not - it touched my heart.

I had a disaster involving a pet animal earlier in the week and again - instead of putting on a brave face, I allowed me sorrow to surface - it felt good, pure somehow.

I am guessing for most people this disconnection with feeling will sound like rantings of a being from another universe, but it's been my reality for as long as I can remember so this progress is really very wonderful.