DA boyfriend | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

sunny1616
New Member

Posts: 2

DA boyfriend Jun 17, 2018 20:57:13 GMT

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Post by sunny1616 on Jun 17, 2018 20:57:13 GMT

Hello,

I am posting this to get my story out and also receive some support to not feel so alone. My boyfriend (now ex) have been in a 6 year roller coaster relationship in that he has broken up with me 3 main times (for one year, two year periods.) I have regrettably came back every time. I wish I had found this information on attachment styles earlier on and perhaps I wouldn't have continued to waste my time with him. The typical DA qualities arise, in that every time we would get close he would essentially pull away and then eventually break up with me citing reasons that didn't make sense. He hated taking about emotions and would physically leave at the slightest disagreement. He hated both good and bad emotions. I am somewhat political and he refused to even discuss current events or acknowledge that there was anything wrong with the world, he just shut down when we spoke of anything besides drinking, the weather, my dog, sports, other people. I was SHOCKED every.single.time. he left. This last time, we have been back together for about a year. We started seeing a therapist (my idea) who introduced these patterns to us and pointed these things out to him, as far as his attachment style (DA) and mine (Anxious.) He did okay with the therapy and could admit some faults, BUT recently told me that he wanted to "win" the therapy sessions and once it was pointed out that he was the one with the problem, he stopped wanting to go. However, I don't feel that I would be anxious if I were with a secure partner is the worst thing. He would NEVER discuss future plans, if I brought up something as simple as wanting to plan a vacation 3 months out he would become enraged and tell me it was too much "pressure". Pressure was his favorite word. Made a rule that I basically couldn't text him while at work, made me feel like a burden every time I would be in contact with him for something simple.Never would say I love you. Maybe 4 times total. I wanted to move in together so I brought that up about 2 months ago, he went with it and even set a date that we could. I knew in the back of my mind he would sabatoge this, but I chose to remain hopeful. Lo and behold, he did. Started becoming very distant to the point of being very mean to me, very short with me, witholding affection, and spending more time at his place and stopped coming to mine. When I brought his up I was met with anger. He began to find all these flaws in me and in himself and blaming it on the fact that we were in a relationship. He didn't go to the gym (because of me/this) and was feeling bad about his body and that he was too skinny. He would pick fights and then cite "we fight too much" as a reason to end it. This time around, he would circle back and bring up small things from like FIVE years ago that I had done and kept circling back to them as reasons to break up. The straw that finally broke the camels back was when this last time we were texting and he told me "You're too big for me now and i'm too skinny we both look like shit and you cut off all your hair) (I am very thin, which people comment about all the time, I had gained 5-7 lbs in the past couple months due to erratic work schedule, but still, VERY THIN. I also got a haircut of about 4 inches off, I still have long hair). I was FURIOUS and HURT. I asked him if this was the reason he wanted to break up and he said "yes its the truth lets not sugar coat it". This was 5 days ago and I blocked him and have not heard from him since. Before this, he has recently come to this realization that he is "too hard on himself" and that is the reason why he finds flaws in me. Whatever. He claims to be depressed which I am sure he is but I can't believe he said those verbally abusive things to me about my weight and hair. It didn't make sense. Does he not realize that normal couples go through various stages in life and are supposed to support eachother? It makes me feel like my entire relationship was a lie and that is what I am having a hard time with. I have no feelings toward him and don't miss him right now. I feel that he is a monster but my head just feels so fucked up from the past six years of this. Huge waste. I am typically optimistic but I just want to forget all this. I also want to say that if you are a woman with a man with these characteristics, my advice would be to RUN. I wish I would have sooner. Of course there were good times and good things, but they will never outweigh the bad of having someone who is not emotionally supportive.

ocarina
Honored Contributor

Posts: 750

DA boyfriend Jun 17, 2018 21:48:41 GMT voluptuousjing, tnr9, and 1 more like this

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Post by ocarina on Jun 17, 2018 21:48:41 GMT

Hello Sunny and welcome - you're not alone here, most of us can empathise with what you're going through, the confusion, the anger at your partner - and yourself for staying so long.

It is very hard to deal with this kind of inconsistency on a long term basis - I call it mindf***ry and it is likely to take some time, some real self compassion and living with the hurt, for a while before the dust clears. It must be very raw at the moment and despite wanting to forget it, it's part of your reality now an will take some dealing with.

When the emotions clear - and again, there's no rush, it takes as long as it takes - what many of us here have discovered is that there is real gold to be found at the heart of these difficult situations. It's found not by blaming and hating your ex partner (although I am sure at the moment you feel very much this way) but by learning from yourself - asking yourself why you stayed despite the blatant mistreatment, why you tolerated this behaviour. In the mean time I hope you can be kind to yourself, to learn to love and value yourself again - by giving yourself what you missed in the relationship, with solidity and consistency.

From experience there's no quick fix, but believe it or not it is possible to come out the other side stronger and more grounded.

Take care.

tinyrobotman
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Posts: 26

DA boyfriend Jun 18, 2018 3:41:03 GMT sunny1616 likes this

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Post by tinyrobotman on Jun 18, 2018 3:41:03 GMT

Hi Sunny. I'm sorry you went through this. Like ocarnia said after you have some distance it's some time to work on your self esteem which lies at the root of why many AP's put up with this sort of behavior. Being with a DA and especially one who maybe has some NPE characteristics can be very hard on your self esteem and self love. Stay strong, more than likely he will try and come back after some period of NC.

Your mention of the refusal to discuss current events is interesting. I've also had that experience with DA's. I believe it stems from an avoidance of empathy for others. Empathy and sympathy can bring up a lot of difficult emotions as it forces you to experience the negative events of the world from another's point of view. Maybe something else to put on the red flag list?

If you have the ability this might be a good time to seek out a therapist with attachment experience as well.

sunny1616
New Member

Posts: 2

DA boyfriend Jun 18, 2018 4:25:21 GMT via mobile

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Post by sunny1616 on Jun 18, 2018 4:25:21 GMT

Thank you both for your responses. I am new on here so I’m not totally sure how to reply to a specific post. Please advise? Either way , I absolutely am working on myself and all that. I do have a therapist who we both saw but now I see on my own as she understands our attachment styles and has acknowledged how it will be very hard to maintain a relationship with him.

Really interesting about the current events thing how you’ve noticed that too. I’d love to add that to the red flags. Another example of that is I remember when a recent school shooting happened , I had the news on to a story covering the shooting. He comes out of the bedroom and was like “can we turn this off and watch something light or happy “ It was so frustrating.

tnr9
Platinum Member

Posts: 3,782

DA boyfriend Jun 19, 2018 0:36:39 GMT mrob likes this

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Post by tnr9 on Jun 19, 2018 0:36:39 GMT

I don't like talking about politics or discussing current events and I am AP. I don't like discussing them because it has been a huge area of contention between my mom and step dad.....I think some things are not neccessary related to attachment styles and are simply life experiences.