Why do DAs come back?

this isn't hard.
for a dismissive, the natural direction to take when triggered is away. it is not necessarily a permanent state.
is a triggered AP clinging state, permanent? no. but it is more likely to keep the AP locked in the game. a da is more likely to get triggered and leave and not bother returning l, because we don't need the fix of a relationship.
if we do return, it's for natural reasons- there's something there we wish could work, on some level. but will it? hardly. we don't want the same things AP want.
this dance works because the dysfunction is equal and continuous.

common sense would benefit here but i can see that personal stakes cloud awareness.

btw-
As for the "opposite" natures of distancing and return...
i can say the same about AP protest behaviors and return.

it is an illusion to think that AP triggered behavior is moving TOWARD A RELATIONSHIP.
it's not.
it's like a rat pushing a lever; it's about a fix.
it's not about intimacy. it's not about relationship. it's about the SELF.

both attachment styles sabotage intimacy that they crave.
simple as that.

if there is a reunion the dance continues, so even if da misses and returns don't get hopes up, it's a dysfunctional dance that takes TWO. but AP needs validation so DA returning is like gold to them even if it hurts them both. sick dance unless two people wake up TOGETHER.

i often leave and don't look back because the reasons i left far outweigh anything holding me. i like clean breaks and getting on to things that i find more fulfilling.

i return if i miss and want something back.
this is rare.
mostly, when i go, i go, because i am done. i don't struggle with other humans in a battle of wills and differing needs.

i have never ever returned to an AP partner. i say that looking back- before awareness i did get involved with AP but after awareness, i have outgrown that kind of relating.

i returned to a da during awareness because i loved him and we worked better. i don't like the AP/Da dance one bit.

i won't comment much more but that's my input. hope it helps.

I agree with Juniper.

If the ex was AP, I'm probably burned out on the protest behaviours, which are especially abusive to us as DA. That's not a healthy thing to go back to.

I could see myself returning to a secure guy who had left because he thought me to be disinterested, or timing was not right if he would say he likes me a lot and wants to make it work together. I am very aware, so even if I occasionally act counterproductively in the moment, I can always reflect and reconnect.

When I leave, as in breaking up or telling an interest that we will never work I am gone for good on a romantic level. If there is a mutual interest to remain friendly, that is an option. I do have a friend who is AP and we were interested in more in the past, but any argument would put us in AP trap. What I discovered is that spending more than 4 days together would stress me out. (I could easily spend a week with my secure ex) This makes a serious relationship impossible. That said, the friendship is still good, we keep in touch online, play games together and give each other practical advice.

Another reason to return is that the barrier to getting together is now gone. Maybe a guy was living too far away and we ended up in the same town. Maybe he was separated and has now finalized divorce.

If there was a therapy that fully got rid of the protest behaviours, it could be in this last category. I'd be hesitant though. Maybe if he was FA and close to center and otherwise a great match. I think FA can at least appreciate the need for solitude and we can understand each others point of view better. Some AP tend to see the DA needs as morally wrong or as threathening and protest behavior as a valid expression of their need. Then it would never work out.

Hey Boomerang...I understand your line of questioning and have been there myself. To me, it always seemed as if the triggering for the AP and DA dynamic was at the opposite side...for the DA, it is in the coming back and feeling (whether real or perceived) smothered, pressured...for the AP it is in the separating and feeling (whether real or perceived) rejected, abandoned. I think that when an AP backs off, the DA feels relief...now he/she can engage again..but then they feel smothered again....and the cycle begins all over again. I don't think either is right or wrong...it is simply a matter that this dynamic tends to keep both parties feeling dissatisfied.

Anne12, thank you--that is very clear and I appreciate it. I also am thinking about what you said about a mix of attachment styles. I can be very dismissive, rather than tolerant/patient, when I feel demands are being made on me. I can easily go into this mode. But not when the shoe is on the other foot. Full-on AP then (now).

So, I'm thinking about what you said about more than one attachment style in terms of this guy. He is easily dismissive, distances when he perceives conflict, is most comfortable when our time together is limited, needs heaps of his own time, and seems to have a DA attachment style overall. But, at the same time, he is the one who asks me for reassurance of how I feel about him, and he is the one who connected first. He is very private and doesn't share much, but when he does, he actually shows more vulnerability than I allow myself to usually. So in that sense, he seems to have more of an FA attachment style. I think your point is well taken. I do not know much about his family interactions and nothing at all about his past relationships, as he hasn't shared and I haven't asked. I am sure there are situations from his past that are triggering for him, too, outside of attachment style. I have no insight into what those are, but I am sure they also impact our interactions (as some of my past experiences do, too). Thank you for your insights.

I think sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder


Probably if someone leaves a relationship quickly because they are triggered but have not thought that much about it in a honest, extended way, maybe time and space makes them realize they miss you and that they didn't do all it taked to make it work. That they panicked and that person they left gave him or her a solid base for companionship. At least that's what we both my ex and I felt the first time we broke it off, and what happened to me when I became very avoidant on the worst time in my life and left someone that I cared for deeply and had a very good relationship. It has happened to me twice in my life. It's a combination of not thinking much about the decision and the dynamics of the relationship (at least by my experience). I do think it's avoidant leaving issues and getting anxious, but I think the most secure person feels that anxiety too (maybe not in such an intensity). It's a very human thing to feel anxious when somebody you cared won't talk to you.


Sad part is, missing somebody a lot it's not all it takes to go back with an ex.