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Post by ulrike21 on Jul 13, 2018 4:04:46 GMT
Juniper, I wish you lived in NYC and you were my friend! You are da bomb!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2018 4:42:16 GMT
Juniper, I wish you lived in NYC and you were my friend! You are da bomb! oh man we'd be takin' a bite outta the big apple! š¬š and spotting narcissists from a mile away.... better safe than sorry! ā¤ļøšš |
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Post by kelvain on Jul 13, 2018 5:11:58 GMT
The question posted was why do avoidants return I gave my example of him returning after 7 weeks that's all not here to argue just read others stories and try to heal from this nightmare and get support not someone telling me he's a narcissist Only you can help you heal. You need to decide if this person and relationship is right for you. I dated a DA with narcissistic traits for 10 years. She went cold and distant then ended it, as was our customary cycle. I didn't chase her like I usually would do. I had an awakening. I began to realize she wasn't what I was making myself believe her to be. I came to see how sh*tty she treated me. I never went back. Now when I look back, I can't believe I allowed someone to treat me so poorly and then I breathe a sigh of relief that we didn't get engaged and married like we had been planning. I get that you may feel like you have a lot invested. But like I said, you need to decide what is best for you. Breaking the cycle is hard but it's not impossible. |
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 13, 2018 11:54:09 GMT
You're right breaking the cycle is hard especially when the first 2 yrs were fairly normal. When I read on.do dependency and anxious attachment I became.disgusted with myself because it described me to a t. Putting him on a pedestal, willing to do whatever to make.it work thinking things would get better. He is a stark difference from the person I was involved with the first 2 years, Im turned off by him and his behavior now. Like someone posted when a relationship feels right you won't have to research stuff but Im glad I did because I learned more about my dysfunction as well as his and Im determined to get strong and walk away for good
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Post by mrob on Jul 13, 2018 14:15:07 GMT
I think you were on the money before. My theory is that if he is a DA, heās coming back for sex or some ego boost. As an FA, I circled because I really missed her.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2018 14:21:16 GMT
I think you were on the money before. My theory is that if he is a DA, heās coming back for sex or some ego boost. As an FA, I circled because I really missed her. woah, hold on. are you implying that a DA only circles back for selfish reasons and to use someone? thats narcissistic behavior. I am dismissive and i have circled back for really missing someone. its really shit when people make assumptions (especially really negative like this) when they try to get inside the head of dismissives. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2018 14:26:32 GMT
everyone here has a noble intention except for a dismissive.
paranoid victim mentality.
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Post by mrob on Jul 13, 2018 14:38:31 GMT
I wasnāt having a go, but I understand why youāre saying that. I know quite a few men at that end - in fact itās only recently Iāve seen men at the AP end.
No nobility at all on my part, I assure you. Just screwed up, insecure attachment that I hope I never repeat. Again.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2018 14:53:26 GMT
I wasnāt having a go, but I understand why youāre saying that. I know quite a few men at that end - in fact itās only recently Iāve seen men at the AP end. No nobility at all on my part, I assure you. Just screwed up, insecure attachment that I hope I never repeat. Again. i get it, and in that case i guess you can guess aboutt a DA perspective but as always on this forum, it's negative toward the DA (using vs missing) and just assumption assumption assumption from another insecurely attached person isn't it? the blah blah literature does explain that DA's desire intimacy but are not comfortable enough to trust it. so i guess people use bias confirmation for whatever they believe. DA loves me if i think he/she does. DA is using and abusing me if i feel rejected. those lines of thinking prevail on the forum so i guess more wont make a difference. on we go! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2018 15:25:14 GMT
and really,
it's just a bunch of generalization.
people who pose the question about an attachment style here aren't just curious and open minded, as revealed by the content of their further posting.
they don't want to understand DA's in general for non- selfish reasons.
they reveal on the forum that they have anxiety about the rejection they feel from THEIR PARTNER and tend to obsess and analyze what is going on in their partners head.
Because they are not feeling loved and are instead feeling rejected, they scrounge the internet for some small bit of information that will keep whatever their current belief is , alive.
""""""
i feel like he used me.... tell me why he came back. oh, you're right. he used me. dammit, thanks for clarifying that, even though you're just guessing because you don't know him and i am focusing on what he did instead of what i did. thanks, everyone. ššš
I feel like he loves me and he's just scared so let me figure out how to hang in there and work with that.
you're right, he loves me. i can see it by the guessing and generalizations you are forced to make because nobody here knows him. thank you!!!!ā¤ļø"""""
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2018 15:37:53 GMT
i did forget to add
"i think he loves me. oh wait, you say he's using me?
omg. i've been so used.
i loved him so much, and he just used me.
thanks everyone, for helping me see how i was victimized.
how do i know what he's thinking if he breaks up with me?"
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 13, 2018 17:38:13 GMT
Completely off topic...but I thought this may tie in..cannot remember where I got this: Anxious children might effectively be making unjustified, reflexive and sweeping assumptions about the mental attitudes of others towards themselves that promote generalization of their own negative views of themselves, others and the world.
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Post by mrob on Jul 14, 2018 1:35:00 GMT
Surely, juniper, thatās what these forums are for. I came here looking for answers and I was the perpetrator. This is step 0 for most people. You donāt even have to have read Jebās books or any other to come here, so of course, necessarily there are going to be really green people looking for answers, not even seeing their part in it. In Western culture where fairies and princesses and forever and ever amen reign supreme, people are genuinely surprised when partners donāt act in the way theyāre āsupposed toā. This is a place where one can start tintrospection, and I applaud anyone with the courage, after a crisis, to look at this stuff. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 1:41:12 GMT
Surely, juniper, thatās what these forums are for. I came here looking for answers and I was the perpetrator. This is step 0 for most people. You donāt even have to have read Jebās books or any other to come here, so of course, necessarily there are going to be really green people looking for answers, not even seeing their part in it. In Western culture where fairies and princesses and forever and ever amen reign supreme, people are genuinely surprised when partners donāt act in the way theyāre āsupposed toā. This is a place where one can start tintrospection, and I applaud anyone with the courage, after a crisis, to look at this stuff. of course, i'm not stopping anyone, but i'm doing something different here. it is what it is. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 14, 2018 6:30:30 GMT
It is what is.
When one looks at the comments from those on the forum, it clearly isnāt. We all come from different circumstances that cause us to have these insecure attachments. Thatās surely how one personās non answering of a text message can be anotherās shunning. The behaviour is the same, itās the interpretation through this marionette called attachment theory that is different.
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