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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2018 19:01:12 GMT
Please don't ask "Where is this heading?" type questions...you will head there when you get there.  Enjoy the journey, that's more important than the destination. But yes, I should've run when my ex DA said an ideal relationship is a LDR, he also said he would move to my city after 6 months as he has an apartment and a daughter studying here. So very confusing...red flag, right? It isn't the separation that is the problem, but the compatibility about long term goals. You might not end up together, chances are slim, haha... ('m kidding...but statistically, I think it's true for everybody)  but chances are better if you both share the same attitude about moving closer, as gradually as it takes for both to be comfortable. |
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Post by alpenglow on Jun 24, 2018 19:54:40 GMT
Right, this is where I am focusing most of my energy at the moment, reducing all the "where this is heading" inner talk, and banishing taking it up with her completely until further down the line! So far so good, on the external front Yes, I would also like to enjoy the journey, even if it's short, and yes, the chances of ending up together are indeed very slim. I also think it's true for everybody She and I can talk or assess each tother's attitude about moving closer, further down the line, if we see that we're a good match overall! "Ideal relationship is a LDR": I would have seen this as a major red flag as well! But now you know  |
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Post by DearLover on Jun 24, 2018 22:13:20 GMT
Sorry if the way I came across upset you. I didn't mean to be unhelpful. I can't tailor my answer to what you want to hear, I can just speak from my experiences and perspectives and I made it clear on my posts.
Good luck.
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Post by alpenglow on Jun 25, 2018 8:34:01 GMT
Of course you can only speak from your experience. I'm also sorry that I reacted this way. Having to think of even more stressful scenarios made me even more anxious. Always looking for reassurance, no matter where...this is a good example!
And thank you!
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Post by lilyg on Jun 25, 2018 10:19:36 GMT
Hey, even as a more secure woman, if a man starts telling me everything about his past relationships and family, I'd be very freaked out. It may be because even if I'm very outgoing, I'm reserved when it comes to my past and deep feelings and fears. Even if I'm very supportive, I would feel like somebody is trying to throw all his problems on me. Try to make a deeper conection talking about values, dreams or goals you might have. It is much more positive and light and it'll help you see if this woman is a good match for your future. A red flag is wanting to have a LDR, of course. I would check more on that (in a good, objective way. Be sincere with yourself if this is what you want. I met before a guy I REALLY liked, but it was going to be a LDR and we decided it was not our thing). I wouldn't discuss attachment issues up until a good solid foundation on true friendship is made. Wish you the best in having fun with someone you like |
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Post by alpenglow on Jun 25, 2018 10:55:48 GMT
Hey, even as a more secure woman, if a man starts telling me everything about his past relationships and family, I'd be very freaked out. It may be because even if I'm very outgoing, I'm reserved when it comes to my past and deep feelings and fears. Even if I'm very supportive, I would feel like somebody is trying to throw all his problems on me. Try to make a deeper conection talking about values, dreams or goals you might have. It is much more positive and light and it'll help you see if this woman is a good match for your future. A red flag is wanting to have a LDR, of course. I would check more on that (in a good, objective way. Be sincere with yourself if this is what you want. I met before a guy I REALLY liked, but it was going to be a LDR and we decided it was not our thing). I wouldn't discuss attachment issues up until a good solid foundation on true friendship is made. Wish you the best in having fun with someone you like Thanks for your comment! Perhaps you misunderstood something? The thing here, is not really about me wanting to tell this girl everything about my past, it's me not knowing what and how much to tell in order to reciprocate what she has told me so far about her own past (growing up in a fucked up family, basically). She didn't go too deply either, it was quite factual, and she mentioned having gone in therapy (issue about being able to identify her own feelings and that of others), and felt that it was a positive experience.
In theory I am very much for not discussing attachment issues until we have a good solid foundation. But one can't exactly control when these things happen to be taken up? Had it been in my control, I would wait, but in this case, I feel expected to talk a bit about my past (I can at least choose how much I am willing to tell). I feel expected to do because she asked me. But it was late and we were about to go to bed, so it's postponed.
The rest of our discussions are light in nature, and do also involve things like values, dreams and goals. This is the first time she talks about something deeper (and she even admitted that she made an effort doing so, as she is not used to it). I interpret it as showing vulnerability and trust.
As for the LTR thing...how does one define wanting to have one? Is it something two people discuss even before they know they'd like to explore a relationship possibility?
I find it impossible to lie that I also gre up in a fucked up family. So my question is, how to narrate parts of my past in a positive way, which doesn't trigger anxiety or fear in the other person?
And thank you! So far we like each other a lot No ambiguity for once. |
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Post by lilyg on Jun 25, 2018 11:50:32 GMT
Hey, even as a more secure woman, if a man starts telling me everything about his past relationships and family, I'd be very freaked out. It may be because even if I'm very outgoing, I'm reserved when it comes to my past and deep feelings and fears. Even if I'm very supportive, I would feel like somebody is trying to throw all his problems on me. Try to make a deeper conection talking about values, dreams or goals you might have. It is much more positive and light and it'll help you see if this woman is a good match for your future. A red flag is wanting to have a LDR, of course. I would check more on that (in a good, objective way. Be sincere with yourself if this is what you want. I met before a guy I REALLY liked, but it was going to be a LDR and we decided it was not our thing). I wouldn't discuss attachment issues up until a good solid foundation on true friendship is made. Wish you the best in having fun with someone you like Thanks for your comment! Perhaps you misunderstood something? The thing here, is not really about me wanting to tell this girl everything about my past, it's me not knowing what and how much to tell in order to reciprocate what she has told me so far about her own past (growing up in a fucked up family, basically). She didn't go too deply either, it was quite factual, and she mentioned having gone in therapy (issue about being able to identify her own feelings and that of others), and felt that it was a positive experience.
In theory I am very much for not discussing attachment issues until we have a good solid foundation. But one can't exactly control when these things happen to be taken up? Had it been in my control, I would wait, but in this case, I feel expected to talk a bit about my past (I can at least choose how much I am willing to tell).
The rest of our discussions are light in nature, and do also involve things like values, dreams and goals. This is the first time she talks about something deeper (and she even admitted that she made an effort doing so, as she is not used to it). I interpret it as showing vulnerability and trust.
As for the LTR thing...how does one define wanting to have one? Is it something two people discuss even before they know they'd like to explore a relationship possibility?
I find it impossible to lie that I also gre up in a fucked up family. So my question is, how to narrate parts of my past in a positive way, which doesn't trigger anxiety or fear in the other person?
And thank you! So far we like each other a lot No ambiguity for once. Oh, sorry, my bad! Of course don't lie. I also talk openly about the bad things in my past, but I always try to frame it in a possitive light: about how that experiences have made me grow and even if I'm still working on myself, I'm moving foward. This is attractive and shows you're not there to be fixed by her. I also present things that happened to me in a very factual way. Real trust takes time! If you feel the need to talk about being anxious, you can frame it more about what you expect from your partner: 'Well, I like to talk everyday for an hour with people I'm getting to know, I think is a nice way to get to know someone. And do fun activities with them every week. I really enjoy it'. l think it's honest about your expectations in a relationship but you frame it like a personal preference on a mate. And see how she responds Maybe she tells you she needs more space, maybe she agrees with you. Maybe she freaks out and run. There's no need right know to tell her that you feel this way because you felt abandoned/abused as a child. If she's compassionate enough she'll get the idea. That way, you can share your past, connect with her and tell her a bit about yourself as a companion without her feeling pressured. When you feel you are having something more serious, you can discuss AP with her in a profound way. As for the LDR, well… with this guy, he traveled a lot to my city and was very interested, talked a lot and developed a good friendship and hooked up. We were enjoying the company but I just knew I would never leave my city (I have here my friends, who are my family, I have bought a house and I have a good job, and he lives in a really small town). He was thinking in coming here to study a master degree but we knew it was going to be temporal (he has a good job there and is a very family oriented guy). So after a few months I just had a very honest conversation on that that weird friendship/relationship was not doing it for me and that I needed to cut contact with him for a while. But yeah, I'm super blunt and honest with my feelings. Of course, it depends if you are more flexible about your living situation than myself. Then you can just let the feelings flow. I've met a lot of internation couples that succeeded in being together. But if she's avoidant and you are anxious, maybe a LDR isn't the best idea. Take it slow and see how your dynamics work before taking a decision that impacts your life in a bigger way. Best luck! |
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Post by alpenglow on Jun 25, 2018 15:19:32 GMT
Thanks for your constructive comment, lilyg ! This is close to the conclusion I came to myself, after having discussed this with very close friends of mine (who know me very well). Talking about the past openly and trying to frame it into something positive. This is the stage I am at: exposing my past without the shame associated with it, and what it has done to me (anxiety, depression etc). If I manage to turn this into something positive, something I learned from, it should be seen as something attractive. I believe that many of my painful experiences of the past actually improved some of my qualities even further (empathy, good listener, caring deeply about people). I know that she already finds these qualities attractive in me (she told me). Even the fact that I don't have many friends locally, didn't phase her (something I usually feel ashamed about, in general and especially when dating). She finds me very social and views me already as someone who can take care of himself. So when we get to talk about my past, I'll try to keep it factual and positive. My main issue is how to avoid linking my past and current behaviour to that of her sister, who clearly seems to be an AP. If she senses that I am like her sister, she might freak out. I also like your idea of expressing the fact that I am anxious, by stating my preferences ("I like to talk everyday for an hour"). Quite smart! We already talk a lot everyday, but still. And this type of advice applies to any potential dating situation, with any person. In the LDR you were in, did you view the two of you as an item already? Were you having sex? It's difficult to move closer to the other when neither really has the opportunity or strong desire to move because of aspects of your life that you value above all else (job, family etc). In my particular case, I am now very flexible because I've wanted to move out of the country I live in (I'm an expat) for quite some time already (tired of everything). To make matters more difficult, this girl is currently about to start on a trip around the world with her sister. So I have no idea when we'll be able to meet again in the future, besides this upcoming weekend. But she's already expressed ideas of how it would be like to travel with me. Actually, my plan, even before I met her, was to precisely go on a trip around the world myself. It's probably part of the reason why I find her attractive, doing something that I very much would like to do myself. I admit that I have fantasies about travelling with her if we find out that we really get along, but for that, I need to see more about how we function together. In that sense, the possibility of travelling together one day is less impacting than moving to her country or her to mine (I don't even know where I want to live next  ). Travelling with someone is a great opportunity to get to know someone, I think! Probably stupid of me to entertain such thoughts, especially if she's an avoidant, but I can't help it. Thanks again for chiming in! |
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Post by lilyg on Jun 25, 2018 16:31:21 GMT
Thanks for your constructive comment, lilyg ! This is close to the conclusion I came to myself, after having discussed this with very close friends of mine (who know me very well). Talking about the past openly and trying to frame it into something positive. This is the stage I am at: exposing my past without the shame associated with it, and what it has done to me (anxiety, depression etc). If I manage to turn this into something positive, something I learned from, it should be seen as something attractive. I believe that many of my painful experiences of the past actually improved some of my qualities even further (empathy, good listener, caring deeply about people). I know that she already finds these qualities attractive in me (she told me). Even the fact that I don't have many friends locally, didn't phase her (something I usually feel ashamed about, in general and especially when dating). She finds me very social and views me already as someone who can take care of himself. So when we get to talk about my past, I'll try to keep it factual and positive. My main issue is how to avoid linking my past and current behaviour to that of her sister, who clearly seems to be an AP. If she senses that I am like her sister, she might freak out. I also like your idea of expressing the fact that I am anxious, by stating my preferences ("I like to talk everyday for an hour"). Quite smart! We already talk a lot everyday, but still. And this type of advice applies to any potential dating situation, with any person. In the LDR you were in, did you view the two of you as an item already? Were you having sex? It's difficult to move closer to the other when neither really has the opportunity or strong desire to move because of aspects of your life that you value above all else (job, family etc). In my particular case, I am now very flexible because I've wanted to move out of the country I live in (I'm an expat) for quite some time already (tired of everything). To make matters more difficult, this girl is currently about to start on a trip around the world with her sister. So I have no idea when we'll be able to meet again in the future, besides this upcoming weekend. But she's already expressed ideas of how it would be like to travel with me. Actually, my plan, even before I met her, was to precisely go on a trip around the world myself. It's probably part of the reason why I find her attractive, doing something that I very much would like to do myself. I admit that I have fantasies about travelling with her if we find out that we really get along, but for that, I need to see more about how we function together. In that sense, the possibility of travelling together one day is less impacting than moving to her country or her to mine (I don't even know where I want to live next ). Travelling with someone is a great opportunity to get to know someone, I think! Probably stupid of me to entertain such thoughts, especially if she's an avoidant, but I can't help it. Thanks again for chiming in! I'm glad I could help. When reading about attachment styles (and about traumas in general), aparently you need to focus in developing a consistent, coherent and redemptive narrative on how everything that has affected you happened. For me it clicks in when I stopped being avoidant and started to remember how to be secure (it helped me to see the good on the bad and when I started to talk to my friends about some really heavy stuff in a good way). So, apart from it being more attractive, it may actually help you if you practice it. About the LDR thing... well, as I told you, he was very into me, and he is a very sincere person, and I'm very sincere too, and we are not specially scared about emotions, so I guess it was a very different case. We met before in his town and he started to ask a lot about me and then came here and was very clear in being interested in me. We had a lot of quemistry but I didn't want to hook up, as I knew it was going nowhere. But we chatted all day long and he came again and it just happened. We kept talking a lot and I just… I mean, when you have sex with somebody, tell them all about you and chat all day long, say good morning and good night for many months, it's very obvious that if we didn't talk about it, someone was going to get hurt eventually. We both decided we didn't want a LDR (then he got mad for a while at me for not answering as I always did but its obvious something in our relationship was going to change, it sucks, but I tried to do things correctly with a good person. He deserves a nice lady that he can hug when he pleases). I think you should be careful with that fantasy. With this guy I used to have fantasies that we were together but I had to face a very objective reality (it was hard, I tell you, but it was going to be way harder in the long run if I caved). Focus on what is going on right know between you two, and think about your future. I won't tell you what to do, of course, but if you decide to go I'd take it as an opportunity to explore the word with nice company. Be really sincere to yourself in what are you really expecting. Romance is good if played smart. Take care! |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 12, 2018 12:17:39 GMT
Here's an update on my story!
So I went to see this woman in her home country for a long weekend, a bit over a month ago, from a Friday to a Monday.
A few days before I was to travel, she turned very distant in our online communications. This triggered anxiety in me, but I tried not to read too much into it. She told me she had a hard time saying goodbye to her father before embarking onto her trip around the world, as he has cancer and no one is sure how much longer he still has. This seemed like a good reason to me for her to experience distress and be more silent.
On the day of my travel however, her distance grew even more. There was no word from her about how she was looking forward to seeing me. When I told her the morning I travelled that I was on my way, she answered hours later with something like "I don't have much battery left, I'll check online from time to time to see where you are". Nothing more! Battery issues with her phone had never been a problem before.
This triggered my anxiety big time, so much that I actually felt like not going after all....I could have visited some of my friends instead, not far from where she lives.
When we finally met, she was very distant. No kissing, nothing. We went out for dinner together but the atmosphere was quite tense and awkward. We later met one of her friends, a gay guy, to watch a show in town. This was part of our original plan. When we finally headed back to the AirBnB we had booked, she was almost completely silent. I finally told her that I had never seen her like this. She told me that this happens to her from time to time. And once inside the apartment, she told me that she wasn't feeling it, that she felt completely shut down emotionally, that she had no idea what was going on, blamed it on the stress of saying goodbye to people she knows. She announced that was was going back to town to spend the rest of the evening with her friend, and stay at his place for the night!! Really crazy stuff, nothing that I could have imagined, despite my many suspicions that she is DA. I was super anxious, but didn't show it too much. I didn't try to hold her back. I said that it was ok, and that I "understood". She said that she was very sorry about all this and that she would probably feel like herself again the following day.
10 mins after she had left, she sent me a text message to confirm that I still wanted to hang out with her the following day. I was very tempted at this point to just leave and do something else, like to go and see my friends instead, visit the city or whatever, for the rest of the weekend. But I decided to give her another chance, just in case.
The following morning, she came to the AirBnB, seemed more normal, gave me a kiss on the cheek. We spent the rest of the day together. I admitted to her then I had thought about doing something else with my time if things didn't improve between us. But they did, gradually. In the afternoon, we checked in at another hotel. She lay on the bed, on her belly, clearly still stuck. She seemed paralysed, not knowing what to do. Sleep or...having sex with me. I forced things a tiny bit, started to touch her gently. She told me that she felt super ambivalent and didn't know what she wanted. She loosened up, and we ended up having great sex.
We talked more afterwards, and she was a lot more open about her feelings. She admitted that she was scared of trusting someone like me, only for being abandonned in the end. That she generally preferred friendships over romantic relationships, because the risk of losing the person entirely was less.
Later that evening, she was supposed to meet some other friends (on her own). Part of the plan. But, she couldn't give me any assurance as to whether she would come back and spend the night with me, again! This is when she told me about her fear of feeling suffocated by others when they expect something from her. That she likes to have the freedom to choose, no commitment. We managed to have a good conversation about this, I asserted my needs of knowing whether she would come back for the night or not. We compromised, with her agreeing that she would text me later on that evening to let me know. She did. And decided to come back after all. Another round of great sex that night, and the following morning.
The next day, we met her (anxious) sister and spend the day all together, along with two other of their female friends. We went to the beach and swam in the ocean. Lots of fun, at least! But she kept a distance with me. If I tried to hold her hand or something, she would push me back.
We had booked the third night in yet another AirBnB. Again, she came up with crazy excuses about how it wouldn't be a good idea for her to spend the night with me. This was in her home town. Something about it being too close to where her mother leaves, and something about her sister. It didn't make any kind of sense to me. But, she changed her mind, again, and asked me if she could spend the night with me.
We did.....more good sex again. The last morning, before I was to leave, I told her in bed that I was going to miss her. She wasn't able to answer anything. We talked some more afterwards. She said that it probably would be better for me to keep living my own life while she would travel around the world, and that maybe we would meet again when she was done. When I got to know her and her sister while they stayed at my place, we had made a plan about meeting somewhere again during their trip. So her telling me that did not fit with what we had initially planned. Before I met her that weekend, she was very enthusiastic about the idea of the two or the three of us travelling together at some point. Now she was more in a mindset to keep things where they were, without any future plans.
I'm keeping this short here, but we had some lengthy discussions over the weekend. About her fears, about the future etc.
Once I got back home, the day after, we went back to chatting online. And she acted all warm again. Said for the first time that she was going to miss me. But that only her could say that, that I couldn't make her say it! As if none of what she had said the day before mattered anymore, she was back to fantasising about us meeting again. But that she needed time to think about it. She said that on the one hand, she had decided to go on that trip around the world with her sister to find herself, that she didn't wish any external influence, but that she also wished to be with me. She struggled to conciliate both. She asked for more time to think about it. I reassured her by saying that this wasn't a black and white decision. Deciding to meet again didn't mean that I was to suddenly move in with her! To me, it seems like a logical progression to make plans about when to meet again when two people are interested in each other. This is what happened when I was in a relationship with a secure person. My secure friend, who's helped me a lot during this whole story, also agreed. When I updated him on what had happened, he expressed genuine concern about me and where this relationship was heading. Up until that point, he had been very enthusiastic, pushed me to act secure, and not to let myself be overconsumed by my doubts and fears. But now, knowing what had happened between this woman and me over that weekend, he said that he felt that something was terribly off and that I should disengage myself.
I agreed with him...and yet, now I felt myself hooked to that woman! On a rational level, I completely agreed with him, especially because it confirmed my susipicions that she is DA (or maybe FA, I don't know....certainly not secure anyway).
After a week of waiting and thinking, I had enough. She was still stringing me along, not being sure what to do. This is when I told her that this wasn't going to work for me. Calmly, I explained that I didn't like this push/pull kind of play, that I expected some sort of gradual commitment on her part. She didn't really believe me at first, and expressed surprise. Then she tried to belittle me, saying that I was stupid to make such a decision now, just as "she was about to make up her mind". Right...I didn't believe that.
When she understood that I meant it and that I kept my stand, she wrote that she felt hurt, but that it was going to go away. And that she was very sorry about what had happened over the weekend. That she understood how this must have hurt me. And that she hoped that, "when the stars are aligned", we will meet again and perhaps make things work out. Failing that, that we would remain good friends. That she held no grudge against me etc.
She also mentioned that what would have been difficult for her, had we been in a relationship, was my need to be reassured, because she knew that she was bad with words. So she did pick up on my anxiety, despite my having acted quite a lot more secure than usual.
Overall, quite a clean "breakup" I would say! I managed to stand my ground, and felt quite proud of myself. So did that friend of mine I mentioned. As well as my therapist when I exposed the whole story in a later session with him.
What I haven't achieved yet, is to do a full breakup. I'm still in contact with her and her sister (group chat on Whatsapp). I also like to follow their travel, as a trip around the world is something I have been planning myself for the past 6 months. The dynamic between the two of us is not like how it used to be, though (before anything happened between us). She is still quite distant, sort of passive-agressive, and this activates my anxiety, because I miss the connection we had. The compliments she used to give me (something she did even before we had sex together). I'm still working on resolving this new dynamic. If anything, I view it as a good opportunity to notice how my anxiety is triggered. But it is also painful, so I suppose it will be better for my own sake to go no-contact at some point.
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Post by notalone on Aug 13, 2018 2:30:27 GMT
Wow, what a story!
As a fellow AP, i completely understand your feelings, thoughts and actions. I’m very proud of you too. It really sounds like ending this was the best thing for you. I know it can be hard to do, even when we know it’s the best thing. I also get how difficult it can be to go NC. I stopped seeing someone who is DA (or maybe FA) 2 months ago, it was really hard for me to do, and I found it really difficult to stop contact with him afterwards too. It’s been just over 2 weeks now without contact and it’s still tough, but I keep telling myself every day of no contact I’m closer to getting rid of the anxiety contact with him causes me.
I’m rooting for you on your journey towards security! May we all get there!
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Post by lilyg on Aug 13, 2018 10:03:58 GMT
Hey, I'm truly sorry about how it played out. Sometimes LDR don't play that good when distance shortens. It's good you have a good friend that is helping you. And is great that you stood your ground! You can do your own trip whenever you feel like it, I'm sure it'll be something you'll remember all your life Honestly, I'd try not to contact her while she travels. |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 10:50:26 GMT
Thanks for the support, notalone and lilyg! I appreciate it What a story, yeah, haha...crazy. Going NC is such a difficult thing to do. It will get easier with time for sure. And if you already feel that some of the anxiety contact he used to cause you is losing its grip, you're well on your way! Would any of you concur that the odds were high that was she was a DA (or maybe FA?), considering the rest of my story? When I started this thread, I had big suspicions, which, to me, were confirmed. But of course there's the LDR aspect on top of it. It would have been difficult, but not impossible. Whereas incompatible attachment is for me something almost impossible to work out. What I find especially difficult to go NC in this case, is that there was the one I dated, but also the sister (nothing wrong with her from my point of view, she's AP, easy to deal with!), and the two of them as an "item", a different "entity". It's like having to deal with three different persons, in a way. We'll see how I manage it... I'm lucky to have that secure friend of mine who's constanly backing me up every time I meet someone! Even during live chats sometimes And about that trip, I'm very much looking forward to it! This will probably lift me out of depression for a while. It's something I've always wanted to do! Quit my job, sell my house and travel the world for an indefinite period of time |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 12:56:16 GMT
Thanks for the support, notalone and lilyg! I appreciate it What a story, yeah, haha...crazy. Going NC is such a difficult thing to do. It will get easier with time for sure. And if you already feel that some of the anxiety contact he used to cause you is losing its grip, you're well on your way! Would any of you concur that the odds were high that was she was a DA (or maybe FA?), considering the rest of my story? When I started this thread, I had big suspicions, which, to me, were confirmed. But of course there's the LDR aspect on top of it. It would have been difficult, but not impossible. Whereas incompatible attachment is for me something almost impossible to work out. What I find especially difficult to go NC in this case, is that there was the one I dated, but also the sister (nothing wrong with her from my point of view, she's AP, easy to deal with!), and the two of them as an "item", a different "entity". It's like having to deal with three different persons, in a way. We'll see how I manage it... I'm lucky to have that secure friend of mine who's constanly backing me up every time I meet someone! Even during live chats sometimes And about that trip, I'm very much looking forward to it! This will probably lift me out of depression for a while. It's something I've always wanted to do! Quit my job, sell my house and travel the world for an indefinite period of time you sound more secure and happy than when we first encountered each other on the boards alpenglow! I am proud of you, you must have been doing some good things for yourself! I don't know if she is DA but she is pretty rude - to have a guest and treat them the way she treated you is awful. If i felt that much conflict i personally would have stopped the visit before it began and not used you for sex 😡 At any rate, good job!! You respected yourself, and cut that crap off. I wish you the very best in your worldwide adventures.... you should post a thread and keep us "posted" |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 13, 2018 13:21:03 GMT
Thanks for the support, notalone and lilyg ! I appreciate it What a story, yeah, haha...crazy. Going NC is such a difficult thing to do. It will get easier with time for sure. And if you already feel that some of the anxiety contact he used to cause you is losing its grip, you're well on your way! Would any of you concur that the odds were high that was she was a DA (or maybe FA?), considering the rest of my story? When I started this thread, I had big suspicions, which, to me, were confirmed. But of course there's the LDR aspect on top of it. It would have been difficult, but not impossible. Whereas incompatible attachment is for me something almost impossible to work out. What I find especially difficult to go NC in this case, is that there was the one I dated, but also the sister (nothing wrong with her from my point of view, she's AP, easy to deal with!), and the two of them as an "item", a different "entity". It's like having to deal with three different persons, in a way. We'll see how I manage it... I'm lucky to have that secure friend of mine who's constanly backing me up every time I meet someone! Even during live chats sometimes And about that trip, I'm very much looking forward to it! This will probably lift me out of depression for a while. It's something I've always wanted to do! Quit my job, sell my house and travel the world for an indefinite period of time Well, I don't know if she's avoidant or not. I guess it's something she should look for herself. I'm absolutely sure this is not a normal reaction, but she could just me immature. I think sometimes LDR make us fall for a fantasy, but if she felt awkard she didn't handle it well. As Juniper says, it seems almost like she used you in some kind of way. I think she didn't mean it but… she's not the most secure person ever, I guess. If she wants to travel and she's dealing with cancer in her family she's mostly trying to run away to find 'answers'. Maybe she's right and she met the right person at the wrong time… but that is something she must resolve within herself. The one that backs away should be the one to close the gap again. Do not wait for her. I think you should focus on how well you handled this and continue in taking decisions that will help you obtain a more secure core and, consequently, the type of relationship you want. It is an attractive way of dealing with this, and you seem like a good guy! Do your own thing: do meaningful things, meet other people, go out with your good friends |
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but chances are better if you both share the same attitude about moving closer, as gradually as it takes for both to be comfortable.
). Travelling with someone is a great opportunity to get to know someone, I think! Probably stupid of me to entertain such thoughts, especially if she's an avoidant, but I can't help it.