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Post by peanut on Jun 27, 2018 19:22:13 GMT
I was in a six year relationship with my ex who seems to have significant Dismissive as well as Fearful Avoidant traits. We never broke up throughout those six years, although whenever relationship issues arose he could never effectively communicate with me and indicated he would rather just bolt. He never opened up to me which made a deeper connection impossible. We recently broke up, 4 months ago, and he began a new relationship within THREE WEEKS! I’m still reeling from this. It took this for me to realize that he never bonded to me throughout our six years together. So painful. He is 62 years old....has this history of moving on very fast when a relationship ends. I’m quite sure he doesn’t see his FA/DA behaviors. Do other AVOIDANTS do this same thing...move on to the next relationship at the speed of light? And is it possible that he will never see the need to process his last relationship before getting into another one? Wouldn’t you learn something by age 62 after seeing this pattern for forty years? He is aware that he does this after each long-term relationship of approximately 6-9 years...but he did it again. The breakup was hard enough, but then it became even more painful when I learned he had a new girlfriend within three weeks. Trying to get myself unstuck from this man. I will. It is just going to take some time.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2018 19:38:54 GMT
really?
does an attachment style make people clones?
people are individuals.
some of any attachment style move on quickly.
some AP move on to the next relationship quickly.
some Secure move on quickly.
some of any attachment style don't move on to another relationship.
no, not all avoidants move on quickly to another relationship.
some do. some don't.
yours did, and i'm sorry about that as i am sure it's painful to accept, but please know that attachment style doesn't make individuals carbon copies of each other.
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Post by peanut on Jun 27, 2018 20:02:43 GMT
Thanks for responding. Your response makes me realize I’m not getting to the heart of what I would like to know. I guess it seems to me that my partner wanted me around, but did not want any of the emotional/intimate parts of the relationship. He prided himself on his independence/self-sufficiency. He was never really able to communicate with me what he really wanted out of our relationship. He would say I needed more than he could give but in the next breath he was saying he liked the same things he could not give to me (hugs, for instance) I was always having to try to figure it out for myself. I spent six years trying to figure things out by myself, as he was not willing to communicate with me about the dynamics of our relationship. So, because he was so big on being self-sufficient, not needing anything from anyone else, I was surprised that he moved into another relationship so quickly. He told me that I needed more connection/intimacy than he was willing to give. He knew this from the beginning, but he stayed in the relationship. Perhaps he just moved on to the next one hoping she will have fewer emotional needs. Maybe I’m not understanding the DA/FA, but I’m trying. I guess he’s looking for the right emotional fit for him, just like everyone else? I appreciate any input. I would like to understand.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2018 20:10:19 GMT
i am unable to perform mind reading on your ex and decline to even make an attempt at it.
i am an advocate of introspection of the SELF to determine what patterns of dysfunction emerge in ones own relationship habits.
I simply answered your original question, as it is the only one i could answer with some degree of knowledge.
what goes on in your ex's mind may intrigue you but is unknowable by anyone here, and may only be ascertained by direct questioning.
i find it incredibly disrespectful to make assumptions about a person's internal states.
not only is it futile, it is not going to help you grow past your own blockages.
some people take some time with this endeavor but i don't participate in it myself.
i would encourage you to try to understand yourself and your relationship behaviors, as you are unhappy and many times unhappiness is a signal that change is needed or helpful.
maybe take an attachment style test and start their to identify any dysfunction you may be participating in that brings you to these boards.
best of luck to you, breakups suck.
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Post by peanut on Jun 27, 2018 20:19:03 GMT
I agree with you.
I am spending a lot of time looking inward, trying to understand my own behaviors. This is top priority.
I’ve taken the attachment style test, read books, articles, this forum....making progress.
I have spent so long trying to understand my ex that it’s hard to stop. I have tried direct questioning which has always resulted in getting nowhere. He won’t/can’t discuss feelings/relationship. I guess it’s time to stop.
Again, appreciate your input. Thanks.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2018 20:31:59 GMT
I agree with you. I am spending a lot of time looking inward, trying to understand my own behaviors. This is top priority. I’ve taken the attachment style test, read books, articles, this forum....making progress. I have spent so long trying to understand my ex that it’s hard to stop. I have tried direct questioning which has always resulted in getting nowhere. He won’t/can’t discuss feelings/relationship. I guess it’s time to stop. Again, appreciate your input. Thanks. you bet, this is an arduous process, to uncover and heal our own issues, but deserves our full attention and will reward us far more than distracting ourselves by ruminating about others. Letting go is difficult but can be done, and making ourselves busy with our own self care is a great step in that direction. ❤️ |
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Post by lilyg on Jun 27, 2018 20:57:15 GMT
I think this depends more on the person than the attachment. But I'm not a professional.
For example, I'm secure (bit avoidant) but my ex is much more avoidant and he tends to take way more time between relationships than me.
I see it more than I'm more optimistic and tend to have a more realistic image of what a relationship is.
But with another ex, I felt the pain of seeing him with somebody else within weeks. It was so weird for me and our Friends! Like he tried to replace me for her.
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Post by ocarina on Jun 27, 2018 21:20:19 GMT
Breaking up is so hard - especially when the relationship has been challenging, which tends to encourage rumination, questioning, attempts to rationalise and understand behaviour that hurts - the overthinking then becomes habitual, almost as a way to avoid painful reality and it's difficult to let go of these thought patterns even when the relationship ends. Juniper posted this article on unavailable men in relationships recently - I think it's helpful in understanding why someone unable to be fully present in love still wants to maintain a relationship. www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/communication/what-to-do-with-an-emotionally-unavailable-man/In many ways, baffling though this may all seem, if you can see it as such, this pain is a gift, offering you the chance to really be compassionate and understanding of your own needs. Why despite the behaviour that was hurting you, did you stay so long? What was missing that you value in a relationship and may be able to give to yourself? Please keep in touch - many of us have been where you are now, it doesn't make it any easier, but you're not alone. |
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Post by peanut on Jun 29, 2018 0:29:53 GMT
Thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I have looked inward for four solid months and have learned a lot about why I stayed in the relationship with my DA/FA.. My inner guidance was telling me this was not a good relationship for me but I ignored it over and over. Not being true to myself, abandoning myself, is honestly my biggest regret and source of pain. I am learning to be compassionate toward myself. It’s my nature to be curious, and am STILL so interested in the Dismissive and Fearful Avoidant Attachment Types. Like many people on this forum,I never knew there were people out there with these traits. Honestly, how did I get to be 59 years old and not know this? I need to take a break from being curious about that and just heal, get my healthy self back. Yoga and other physical activities are so healing, as is NC. Finally, after 4 months of continued close contact, I realize how helpful, at least for me, no contact can be. Again, thanks for your input. This forum is such a great support and source of insight.
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Post by lilyg on Jun 29, 2018 7:18:00 GMT
Thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I have looked inward for four solid months and have learned a lot about why I stayed in the relationship with my DA/FA.. My inner guidance was telling me this was not a good relationship for me but I ignored it over and over. Not being true to myself, abandoning myself, is honestly my biggest regret and source of pain. I am learning to be compassionate toward myself. It’s my nature to be curious, and am STILL so interested in the Dismissive and Fearful Avoidant Attachment Types. Like many people on this forum,I never knew there were people out there with these traits. Honestly, how did I get to be 59 years old and not know this? I need to take a break from being curious about that and just heal, get my healthy self back. Yoga and other physical activities are so healing, as is NC. Finally, after 4 months of continued close contact, I realize how helpful, at least for me, no contact can be. Again, thanks for your input. This forum is such a great support and source of insight. Hi peanut, I hope you're well. My ex too wanted to bolt all the time, and as I've never stopped him, he did but came back, 3 times! I've decided now not to take him until he resolves his issues, as I've been pretty avoidant myself. And It was hard for him to tell me that he knew he couldn't be the man he needed to be to have something with me. I can understand the feeling. Some years ago, I had to take a really hard look on myself to see why was I not happy with my life, and finally work on all the pain I had within myself. I've been working in myself for the past years and these 6 months I've been reading a lot on attachment styles and it has helped me understand all the process I've gone. I'm very glad you've taken this to search within yourself and being kind with yourself. I think making a coherent and objetive narrative on our love lives (and important live events in general) help us heal wounds and understand our roads more. You'll get to that peace if you continue with the good work  I've become pretty secure after understanding my path and finally answering 'why is this happening to me', and practicing secure, real relationships with friends I trusted (and our relationships are so much deep and meaningful, and just plain amazing). And maybe you'll find a good, secure man you can share this new insight of love with  |
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I've become pretty secure after understanding my path and finally answering 'why is this happening to me', and practicing secure, real relationships with friends I trusted (and our relationships are so much deep and meaningful, and just plain amazing). And maybe you'll find a good, secure man you can share this new insight of love with 