Post by elsy on Jun 27, 2018 21:09:58 GMT
I'm not even sure where to start this. I suspect my bf/ex has avoidant traits but not sure if it's DA or FA. Any help would be appreciated!
My bf/ex and I have dated for the past year, with August being our anniversary. The first 3-4 months were a dream, I couldn't believe I'd met someone so incredible and... Normal. My dating history has been poor, as an anxious attachment type I tend to be super insecure in a relationship and attract guys who initially seem crazy about me and then taper off once I reciprocate. Once I'm single I become very secure, and quite enjoy it now so I'd decided I wouldn't date anyone unless they were something special after my last messy relationship with someone who had diagnosed mental illnesses.
So, I start trusting and opening up more, I enjoy that he always wants to see me, wants to do things with me and thinks I'm the best thing in the world. And then bam, he starts withdrawing, acting weird and uninterested. This obviously triggers my anxiety, I try harder, I'm more affectionate (difficult for me), we have a disagreement about him still constantly looking up his ex who destroyed him twice (2yr relationship, she moved in at 4 months, bought a house together and she left, got back together, she wanted to get married so he bought a ring and she left again a week before he was to propose). And then he broke up with me. Said he didn't feel the same as he did before.
I left, asked him to reconsider and he could talk to me if he wanted to. We dont speak for a week and then he messages asking about a work party I'd invited him to. We go together, talk without really talking and he says he'll try because it seems wrong to let me go but doesn't discuss his feelings. I feel unsettled but I'm just happy to be with him again. He asked me to move in with him about a month after and I said we should wait a while longer.
We fluctuate for months, I became frustrated multimate times because he obviously can't provide the intimacy I want, I beg him to talk to me, I act out when he won't do the few things I ask of him (eg. Do live languages quiz, or care more about my sexual experience with him),and while he'll acknowledge things he can work on, nothing really changes. I finally read up on attachment styles ans decided to take a step back, give him space and try to control my behavior but he ended up saying it wasn't working a few days ago. He says he knows he loves me and cares about me, but something isn't working. When I push for him to explain, he says he feels nervous and unsure, that he's not interested in anyone or anything right now.
I don't know what to do. I'm emotionally exhausted and have told him I'm here if he reconsiders, but I'm terrified of truly losing him. He's going away for a month long trip, and he said he would take the time to think it all through and asked if he could contact me while he's gone. I guess my question now is, does it sound like I should give up all hope and move on? Are there any magic words that will make him come back? He said I could contact him at any point but I haven't, although I really want to see him before he leaves in a few days. I read that direct communication is useful in situations like this but I don't know if I should remain quiet and wait for hI'm to reach out instead, risking not seeing him at all.
Plus, maybe relevant but I asked if he was maybe depressed, as he'd said he's not excited about anything in his life, not even landing his dream job or his hobbies. He's very resistant to the idea of going to therapy, but I noticed on his twitter today he "liked" a post about depression in men and asking for help. I've been good about avoiding his social media but this stuck out to me.
I'm sorry this is so long but while I'm trying to move back to being less anxious, he does occupy 90% of my thoughts and I'd appreciate some help in making sense of this all and some guidance on what to do. Thank you!
My bf/ex and I have dated for the past year, with August being our anniversary. The first 3-4 months were a dream, I couldn't believe I'd met someone so incredible and... Normal. My dating history has been poor, as an anxious attachment type I tend to be super insecure in a relationship and attract guys who initially seem crazy about me and then taper off once I reciprocate. Once I'm single I become very secure, and quite enjoy it now so I'd decided I wouldn't date anyone unless they were something special after my last messy relationship with someone who had diagnosed mental illnesses.
So, I start trusting and opening up more, I enjoy that he always wants to see me, wants to do things with me and thinks I'm the best thing in the world. And then bam, he starts withdrawing, acting weird and uninterested. This obviously triggers my anxiety, I try harder, I'm more affectionate (difficult for me), we have a disagreement about him still constantly looking up his ex who destroyed him twice (2yr relationship, she moved in at 4 months, bought a house together and she left, got back together, she wanted to get married so he bought a ring and she left again a week before he was to propose). And then he broke up with me. Said he didn't feel the same as he did before.
I left, asked him to reconsider and he could talk to me if he wanted to. We dont speak for a week and then he messages asking about a work party I'd invited him to. We go together, talk without really talking and he says he'll try because it seems wrong to let me go but doesn't discuss his feelings. I feel unsettled but I'm just happy to be with him again. He asked me to move in with him about a month after and I said we should wait a while longer.
We fluctuate for months, I became frustrated multimate times because he obviously can't provide the intimacy I want, I beg him to talk to me, I act out when he won't do the few things I ask of him (eg. Do live languages quiz, or care more about my sexual experience with him),and while he'll acknowledge things he can work on, nothing really changes. I finally read up on attachment styles ans decided to take a step back, give him space and try to control my behavior but he ended up saying it wasn't working a few days ago. He says he knows he loves me and cares about me, but something isn't working. When I push for him to explain, he says he feels nervous and unsure, that he's not interested in anyone or anything right now.
I don't know what to do. I'm emotionally exhausted and have told him I'm here if he reconsiders, but I'm terrified of truly losing him. He's going away for a month long trip, and he said he would take the time to think it all through and asked if he could contact me while he's gone. I guess my question now is, does it sound like I should give up all hope and move on? Are there any magic words that will make him come back? He said I could contact him at any point but I haven't, although I really want to see him before he leaves in a few days. I read that direct communication is useful in situations like this but I don't know if I should remain quiet and wait for hI'm to reach out instead, risking not seeing him at all.
Plus, maybe relevant but I asked if he was maybe depressed, as he'd said he's not excited about anything in his life, not even landing his dream job or his hobbies. He's very resistant to the idea of going to therapy, but I noticed on his twitter today he "liked" a post about depression in men and asking for help. I've been good about avoiding his social media but this stuck out to me.
I'm sorry this is so long but while I'm trying to move back to being less anxious, he does occupy 90% of my thoughts and I'd appreciate some help in making sense of this all and some guidance on what to do. Thank you!
