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Post by goldilocks on Jun 28, 2018 20:31:54 GMT
For me it happened before age 2; my father failed to take care and left me alone to be hungry and soiled, yet I do believe I have been healing since he left and I went to daycare which was more consistent in caretaking. It would again be different for a child who was put on the street or living with the disordered parent until adulthood. Also, my mother did take good care when she was not working
I want others to know that even if you were wounded at a young age there is hope for healing. I do test as secure yet have some dismissive patterns still in place that I am working on. I have no open wounds but I do have scars to oil, soften and heal with tender care and to play with when I like.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2018 21:20:19 GMT
Of course attachment styles are workable!
Healable!
I test at the border of secure/dismissive. i'm sure all my life until the last 4 years or so i would rest deeply dismissive.
i didn't know about it then.
i did many years of internal work before learning about attachment theory. many years.
i was born the last of four children, a twin, to an alcoholic father who literally mourned my birth.
My mother is sociopathic, with a strong resemblance to borderline personality. i was not wanted, and i was even despised.
I was the family scapegoat, and endured a lot of psychological abuse around that.
I have dismissive traits, but i am emotionally available and nearly secure in intimate relationships.
with friends, i am fully secure.
I deactivate heavily with some triggers but i have so much awareness and support, i consider this to be a scar from a terrible accident that i survived, and i am grateful to thrive actually. people who love me don't judge me for my scar, they help me soften it.
i still LOVE solitude but i don't live there exclusively anymore. i love my independence, i feel strong and free. But i love my vulnerability too, my openness and my connection to those around me.
There is absolutely hope. However, it requires true diligence and discipline to change patterns. it doesn't happen by just reading and writing.
it takes real effort and courage. it takes what feels like enormous risk. it takes some trust. it takes a lot of things but nothing you can't come up with if you want to live a life with love and warmth.
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 29, 2018 16:16:22 GMT
i still LOVE solitude but i don't live there exclusively anymore. i love my independence, i feel strong and free. But i love my vulnerability too, my openness and my connection to those around me. There is absolutely hope. However, it requires true diligence and discipline to change patterns. it doesn't happen by just reading and writing. it takes real effort and courage. it takes what feels like enormous risk. it takes some trust. it takes a lot of things but nothing you can't come up with if you want to live a life with love and warmth. I feel the same way. Also, I do think solitude plays a part in our healing process. So do relationships. We are most deeply connected to others when we are most deeply connected to ourselves. Our strength allows us to be vulnerable and our independence allows us to connect while feeling freedom. Healing takes work in the body, mind, heart and soul. Reading and writing only works on the mind, it may work for the mind like a good massage may work for the body but it is not sufficient. Restructuring the heart and soul is the hardest work. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2018 17:28:05 GMT
for me, one of the most difficult aspects of change has been to change my actual actions to bring them into alignment with my newfound aspirations.
along the way, i have had to force myself to do things that are contrary to my original avoidant nature, and i did it with many false starts, changes of heart, quick reversals, second thoughts.
take, for instance, making plans for social engagement.
i am highly social when i am being my lone self. it sounds like a contradiction but that's my original way of being. i remain solitary as i move about in different social circles, engaging and coming back to myself as the mood fits, unattached but enjoying all the while ,either to be alone or in company. my natural state, is to be in my own company pursuing what i enjoy, a hermit who goes out to engage and comes back home without attachment of any kind.
it's been a long process to change this. as i began to heal emotionally i began to allow and enjoy deeper connections, but found myself challenged to step outside my normal m.o. and show up with intention. by making a plan to show up for and with someone, for and with myself, and keeping that commitment. it has been so rewarding, it brings me to tears to experience what i have experienced this way.
i have been able to increase my commitments to interpersonal engagement, but only because those around me who care for me have asked me to. i never initiate, and i used to always decline, with an excuse.
i have begun to immediately accept requests for plans and then i just commit to it, because i don't want to let people down and i believe i will enjoy and be enriched by these opportunities.
this is more difficult than many could imagine, as i have an internal stasis that involves me just settling in by myself in solitude, even if i begin to feel lonely there. i soothe myself by embracing it. Instead; i am allowing myself to be fully present to the people who are available and reaching out to me. i am comfortable with them because in order for them to even be close enough to make plans with me, i have vetted them carefully to see what my dynamic is with them, whether i feel myself, relaxed, open, and emotionally attracted to their nature. i'm talking platonic connections here, but i want to be able to do this when i date again, also.
so, in summary- it's been aligning my actions outside to fit my new insides that has been excruciatingly slow for me, but i seem to have just the right amount of love and camaraderie around me to support me in doing this.
i find that when the student is ready; the teacher (s) really do appear. in this way, i recognize the absolute abundance in my life, there is not scarcity as there was when i was young. it's a new day, a new chapter, one that i am writing as i go. ❤️
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 29, 2018 21:43:39 GMT
i have been able to increase my commitments to interpersonal engagement, but only because those around me who care for me have asked me to. i never initiate, and i used to always decline, with an excuse. i have begun to immediately accept requests for plans and then i just commit to it, because i don't want to let people down and i believe i will enjoy and be enriched by these opportunities. this is more difficult than many could imagine, as i have an internal stasis that involves me just settling in by myself in solitude, even if i begin to feel lonely there. i soothe myself by embracing it. Instead; i am allowing myself to be fully present to the people who are available and reaching out to me. i am comfortable with them because in order for them to even be close enough to make plans with me, i have vetted them carefully to see what my dynamic is with them, whether i feel myself, relaxed, open, and emotionally attracted to their nature. i'm talking platonic connections here, but i want to be able to do this when i date again, also. What worked for me is to work less so I have more free time, and hence a bigger cake to slice between my own company, my family and my friends. Another thing that is helpful is removing any draining contacts so that the average social interaction is fun and enriching. Once you have the energy to socialise and find that it brings you joy, the time has come to initiate on occasion. For me, being socially reciprocal is something I value, so I make a point of entertaining a few times a year. I also heve some people I make a point of seeing on a regular basis; my mother once a month, my out of town friend every season. This commitment is in line with my own needs and values. I really do value having at least one social engagement every weekend. I also value having at least one good chunk of solitude every weekend. I'm both grateful and proud for my role in my social life. This year I have set a challenge for myself: A group holiday for a week. If I can handle and enjoy that, I would feel awesome. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2018 0:59:50 GMT
i have been able to increase my commitments to interpersonal engagement, but only because those around me who care for me have asked me to. i never initiate, and i used to always decline, with an excuse. i have begun to immediately accept requests for plans and then i just commit to it, because i don't want to let people down and i believe i will enjoy and be enriched by these opportunities. this is more difficult than many could imagine, as i have an internal stasis that involves me just settling in by myself in solitude, even if i begin to feel lonely there. i soothe myself by embracing it. Instead; i am allowing myself to be fully present to the people who are available and reaching out to me. i am comfortable with them because in order for them to even be close enough to make plans with me, i have vetted them carefully to see what my dynamic is with them, whether i feel myself, relaxed, open, and emotionally attracted to their nature. i'm talking platonic connections here, but i want to be able to do this when i date again, also. What worked for me is to work less so I have more free time, and hence a bigger cake to slice between my own company, my family and my friends. Another thing that is helpful is removing any draining contacts so that the average social interaction is fun and enriching. Once you have the energy to socialise and find that it brings you joy, the time has come to initiate on occasion. For me, being socially reciprocal is something I value, so I make a point of entertaining a few times a year. I also heve some people I make a point of seeing on a regular basis; my mother once a month, my out of town friend every season. This commitment is in line with my own needs and values. I really do value having at least one social engagement every weekend. I also value having at least one good chunk of solitude every weekend. I'm both grateful and proud for my role in my social life. This year I have set a challenge for myself: A group holiday for a week. If I can handle and enjoy that, I would feel awesome. i am working on initiating. i used to be better at it when i was more avoidant believe it or not. because i was just flying by, and wasn't deeply connecting. it's new to me to feel so welcomed and a "part of", and to feel so blessed by that- so i am still kind of fresh at it. ? i mean, i can easily be emotionally available with the friendships i have cultivated, and there is a wonderful exchange- it's the actual intitiating plans part that i am not good at. i have, however: been really good at reaching out to communicate that i am thinking of someone , wishing them a good day, and seeing how things are for them. i try to do that often with my circle. they randomly send me love like that also. when my time is not committed, for example, with work or other obligations, i am just completely entrenched in the habit of solitude really, it's just the most natural for me. so switching that up requires effort. i don't mind making that effort, i'm ready. i have a friend (handsome, by the way!! 😉) who has invited me for a hike this weekend, it will be our first outing outside our routine run ins with a shared interest. i am looking forward to it, and if we enjoy it, i will make it a point to ask him if we can get together again, and i will initiate a plan. i just have to do it, i know it isn't complicated. i just haven't got experience doing that, and i guess that's why they call me a dismissive 😑😬 Hold me to it, i do have to reciprocate! i know i should and i want to. it's the little things that get me sometimes. i can pour my heart and soul out these days and feel fine with it. but try to get me to show up in a physical location at a time arranged in advance - gawd. sometimes i don't understand myself. lol. |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 30, 2018 16:41:55 GMT
I can relate to both Goldi and Juniper here - my free alone time is an incredibly precious thing and if I am not careful I guard it so carefully I become resentful of anyone who takes up this time - and turn into a recluse.
I am good socially - interesting, interested and outgoing, but I have found in the past that I get very little out of socialising - probably because I avoid intimacy and therefore it serves very little purpose and is a little irritating! Wierdly I get invited to lots of things - lucky to have genuine friends, at the moment I am working on not being the person who doesn't turn up to parties despite having agreed to go.
As I write this I have just returned from a long hot weekend day of work and now have an evening wedding party to attend - I really really don't want to go, not from fear but from a perceived lack of value in my attending. I will go and I hope that if I work on being fully present, I will make some connection and enjoy myself. Have good hiking Juniper - I am jealous. There were dolphins in the ocean where I live today but work and wedding haven't allowed me a swim yet. I think what you said about reducing work time Goldi is relevant for me - I give my all to work, interpersonally too and end up with very little else to offer.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2018 18:59:39 GMT
very happy to have you in the fellowship ocarina! i am very much looking forward to this hike with my handsome friend. if it shows some promise, perhaps i will write about the journey here. i have known him long enough to have a good emotional connection, and am attracted to him that way. and did i mention he is handsome... 😀 I have re-worked my life over the last few years so that i truly have an enviable work-life balance. I actually have no overwhelming commitments that limit my offering to others- i mean, i am a single mother and self employed, but the beauty of it all is that this is very simple compared to working for someone else and having no control of my time. i love what i do and it leaves me relaxed- my kids are teens who are a great team with me. I would say i have it pretty good, as far as that goes. So i have no excuse other than my hard wiring. In fact, one of the reasons i created this life of simplicity and ease for myself was to be able to enjoy peaceful solitdtude without a to do list ,haha. BUT- like i mentioned, i have great friends that i have shared my truth with, my story and my effort to grow and be more connected. They have been tremendous for me. so, i really am accepting their invitations without hesitation when it is possible for me to do so, and i am following through. In the past month or so , i have attended a birthday barbecue, i have gone dancing to latin music and learned some steps,  , i have gone on a hike with a girlfriend, and i am hiking tomorrow , with lunch to follow! This is pretty incredible considering i also had emergency life saving abdominal surgery two weeks ago, lol. ( the hike will be gentle and shady and suited for my energy level 😬- more a walk in the shady woods by a stream i hope!) In fact, the barbecue was just days after my release from hospital, and i was lain under a tree in the shade on a chaise and served beautiful food inbetween dozing and waking and enjoying the great company. how great is that?!![ so, this was actually a LOT of social activity for me. i used to not do all that stuff with people in a span of months. and i wasn't sad about it. but i'm glad i am a part of things now. ] The surgery itself was a beautiful opportunity to lean on those around me (who showed up en masse!❤️) as it was very sad and frightening. I was completely vulnerable and allowed people to take care of me, love me, comfort me and literally hold my hand because i was scared leading up to the emergency operation. I have never been so supported in my life and it was incredibly touching to me. By the way- i am healing well, i will be slow getting my energy back, but all is well and we anticipate no further issues from it! ❤️ |
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Post by goldilocks on Jul 1, 2018 8:38:11 GMT
I can relate to both Goldi and Juniper here - my free alone time is an incredibly precious thing and if I am not careful I guard it so carefully I become resentful of anyone who takes up this time - and turn into a recluse. I am good socially - interesting, interested and outgoing, but I have found in the past that I get very little out of socialising - probably because I avoid intimacy and therefore it serves very little purpose and is a little irritating! Wierdly I get invited to lots of things - lucky to have genuine friends, at the moment I am working on not being the person who doesn't turn up to parties despite having agreed to go. As I write this I have just returned from a long hot weekend day of work and now have an evening wedding party to attend - I really really don't want to go, not from fear but from a perceived lack of value in my attending. I will go and I hope that if I work on being fully present, I will make some connection and enjoy myself. Have good hiking Juniper - I am jealous. There were dolphins in the ocean where I live today but work and wedding haven't allowed me a swim yet. I think what you said about reducing work time Goldi is relevant for me - I give my all to work, interpersonally too and end up with very little else to offer. You are giving your all to the work and then attend a wedding you are not looking forward to instead of having the swim you really want. Do you get little out of socialising in general or are there at least a few people who energize you? Alone time becomes extra precious when you do not have enough of it. If your weekend is 6 parts of day (Evening, morning, afternoon) and 2 are going to overtime/resting from the workweek and another two to groceries and housework, the last two slots will be really precious. Rethinking my life also included learning the value of my time. programs.clearerthinking.org/what_is_your_time_really_worth_to_you.html#.WziN_9UzZaQI have used this calculator. Also trying out some different lifestyles opened my mind. Getting back to the time slots, you can create more of them by working less, but also by adjusting your attitude towards work and by outsourcing some tasks. In the above example if she worked the same hours while not giving 110% but rather 90%, she could rest from work during the workweek and would have the energy to go out for dinner with a friend on friday rather than order food in and be tired at home. She could cut housework in half by ordering groceries, hiring a cleaner every other week and simplifying her household. This would give her 4 slots and double her free time. A big change for me was to work 4 days of 9 hours, whichs means I start with 9 slots. I do need 1 slot to recover from work, and 1 slot for chores, but with 7 slots I don't have to choose between my own company and a social life. Most of the time, I can accept 2 invitations with grace and ease. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2018 13:15:22 GMT
love this goldilocks. while i don't experience the time dilemma, i appreciate the practical and logical approach to time budgeting. perfect! |
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Post by ocarina on Jul 1, 2018 14:41:07 GMT
The time budgeting link was very interesting - I should go and find myself a cleaner rather than spending exhausted hours on chores - and you are totally right Goldilocks - why on earth did I go to the wedding reception? I felt obliged - but I also feel like the kind of small talk environment just doesn't do anything for me. I like one to one contact, deep intellectual serious conversation as well as deep outdoor joy! Drunken small talk is just dull - as is dressing up to the nines and parading around - just not something that I find interesting and in my disinterest I also feel like a kind of outsider which is sad.
Following on from another post on here I am looking at The Happiness Trap in more detail - looking to align my life with core values of simplicity, ease, kindness, straight forwardess, gentleness, healthy lifestyle etc rather than values I feel I should have - it's an interesting slant to take and certainly tweaks my behaviours and leads to better decisions in the moment when I take it into account>
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2018 15:24:08 GMT
The time budgeting link was very interesting - I should go and find myself a cleaner rather than spending exhausted hours on chores - and you are totally right Goldilocks - why on earth did I go to the wedding reception? I felt obliged - but I also feel like the kind of small talk environment just doesn't do anything for me. I like one to one contact, deep intellectual serious conversation as well as deep outdoor joy! Drunken small talk is just dull - as is dressing up to the nines and parading around - just not something that I find interesting and in my disinterest I also feel like a kind of outsider which is sad. Following on from another post on here I am looking at The Happiness Trap in more detail - looking to align my life with core values of simplicity, ease, kindness, straight forwardess, gentleness, healthy lifestyle etc rather than values I feel I should have - it's an interesting slant to take and certainly tweaks my behaviours and leads to better decisions in the moment when I take it into account> seriously, do what you want! 😄 it's a little too difficult to get me to show up, i admit it- but the good side of that is that i don't oblige myself to participate in draining activities that are not aligned with my personal values. i can honor a marrying couple in my own way. and i would! but i would be hiking or napping under a tree instead of doing that wedding thing. maybe it would not make me the most popular person- but who is trying to be popular? i know what i need. |
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Post by goldilocks on Jul 1, 2018 16:17:22 GMT
The time budgeting link was very interesting - I should go and find myself a cleaner rather than spending exhausted hours on chores - and you are totally right Goldilocks - why on earth did I go to the wedding reception? I felt obliged - but I also feel like the kind of small talk environment just doesn't do anything for me. I like one to one contact, deep intellectual serious conversation as well as deep outdoor joy! Drunken small talk is just dull - as is dressing up to the nines and parading around - just not something that I find interesting and in my disinterest I also feel like a kind of outsider which is sad. Completely seconding the bold part!!! I prefer small gathering to large ones. Was it a close friend or sibling? I actually quite dislike the expectations of large weddings. Attending the wedding of a cousin or colleague is of little value to most people; small talk with people that you have little in common with. Hosting a big wedding is costly and a big project. Why not normalize smaller parties with more compatible people? Also keep in mind that dressing up, going out of town and getting drunk may mean the event cost several slots of free time. If a cousins out of town black tie wedding costs 4 timeslots to buy a new formal dress, dress up, go there and be hung over the next morning, I can enjoy dinner with a friend, reading at the beach, a hike and a a deep conversation with another friend. Oh and with the money saved I'd get my house cleaned :-) I value being there for my close and loved friends, I value seeing my mother regularly and I value my hobbies and solitude. I do not so much value meeting expectations and dislike feeling obliged. I find that more and more I am living according to my values. Same when people, often the distant relatives and colleages whose parties I don't care to attend, ask me why I don't buy a car or a bigger house. I don't value either of those things as much as having 500$ to spend on something I value much more that meeting their expectations or impressing them. Following on from another post on here I am looking at The Happiness Trap in more detail - looking to align my life with core values of simplicity, ease, kindness, straight forwardess, gentleness, healthy lifestyle etc rather than values I feel I should have - it's an interesting slant to take and certainly tweaks my behaviours and leads to better decisions in the moment when I take it into account> I'm listening to this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAe0hPsv2XY |
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Post by ocarina on Jul 1, 2018 23:18:31 GMT
Being popular isn't one of my values either! It was a work colleagues wedding - and I replied with a yes too hastily and then was obliged - my bad - think before speaking next time. Because yes - it's not just a single evening to give up, it's feeling tired the next day, the cost of the dress, a loss of time to exercise, meditate, swim etc then a week of feeling frantic after not having a proper rest.
Living life at breakneck speed isn't conducive to making wise and life affirming choices. I value a slow and simple life - and will feel better if I behave in ways that honors this - thank you both for your help in spotting this.
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Post by ocarina on Jul 1, 2018 23:19:40 GMT
I watched this too Goldi!!! I read the book a while ago and strangely enough now seems to be a good time to put it into action.
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, i have gone on a hike with a girlfriend, and i am hiking tomorrow , with lunch to follow! This is pretty incredible considering i also had emergency life saving abdominal surgery two weeks ago, lol. ( the hike will be gentle and shady and suited for my energy level 😬- more a walk in the shady woods by a stream i hope!)