|
|
Post by recovering71 on Jul 7, 2018 14:53:24 GMT
Im here because I was dumped unceremoniously 6 weeks ago by a guy who Im quite sure was an avoidant. We met 3 years ago online and hit it off. He was charming caring and respectful. He shared things about his personal life and gained my trust. I noticed he was quite distant and wasn't affectionate at all which puzzled me still I stuck around. A year ago things went downhill, he started giving me silent treatments for weeks at a time when I said things he didn't like. And the past 3 months he just didn't give a damn. After researching both our behavior it all made sense..Im a anxious attached and he is dismissive. His last text to me he asked how my day was, I told him good and asked how his was..no response. I can't believe he can just disappear on me without saying bye after 3 years! I contacted him a week after his last text and he didn't respond. Im so hurt and depressed! We're both 47 so I expected a mature breakup he always said he would let me know when he was ready to end this and now 6 weeks of no contact as if I never existed. Im so lost and hurt now..I need advice
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 15:03:39 GMT
i'm sympathetic to your grief, confusion, anger.
given the insecure attachment styles of you and your former partner, your expectations for both the relationship and the breakup itself were unrealistic.
the only way through grieving a loss or a disappointment is grieving the loss or the disappointment.
look up the 5 stages of grief because you will go through them all and the process is not linear.
then your focus on to your own attachment style and original wounding, read all you can and work with a therapist if you need to.
continually remind yourself that you are not a victim of another person , you are a participant in a dysfunctional relationship.
this is not disempowering advice. it is empowering advice delivered with the best of intentions for your healing.
|
|
|
|
Post by recovering71 on Jul 7, 2018 15:36:17 GMT
Why bother asking me how my day was only to disappear? He broke up once before last year but contacted me 2 days later after I apologized so I believed him when he said he would let me know when he was ready to end this. He told me a few months back after one of his many silent treatments that he is never done and that he gives the silent treatment for us to calm down. I just didn't think he could do this after 3 years so heartless..Im trying my best not to contact him
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 15:41:48 GMT
i'm sorry that an unhealthy partner that you chose to continue a relationship with in spite of the disappointing behavior let you down, but all i can do is reiterate what i said in my previous post.
best wishes for your healing , breakups are very difficult s
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2018 16:03:56 GMT
Welcome..trying to understand why he did what he did will only keep your thoughts squarely on him...I know it is hard to see mixed messages and not try to understand them..but Juniper is correct that your only path forward is to work on your side of things. You have already mentioned that you tolerated behavior that triggered you...perhaps a good starting place is to get clear about why you did that..what were you hoping to achieve? Questions like that take the focus off of his behavior and puts the focus back on you..what you wanted, what you tolerated.
|
|
|
|
Post by recovering71 on Jul 7, 2018 16:57:34 GMT
You're right, I tolerated it but I just found out about these disorders a year ago after I already invested 2 years into this and yes I should have walked away last year but I was so hell bent on making it work, hoping he would appreciate my affection and loyalty only to have this happen. I know eventually I will overcome this but right now I don't feel well..my world is off and Im angry and upset that he has moved on without the decency of saying its over. Just not a good week for me. Its hitting me now because I had gotten use to him going 3-4 weeks without contact even tho I didn't like it but once he surpassed the 4 week mark that's when reality set in AMD Im wondering should I tell him how I feel or just move on. I won't lie..I want him back I know that's my attachment talking but I dont want the misery the relationship bought me either. I know I have issues and will work on my unhealthy attachment I just can't help to think that maybe we can work it out one day
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jul 7, 2018 20:27:25 GMT
You're right, I tolerated it but I just found out about these disorders a year ago after I already invested 2 years into this and yes I should have walked away last year but I was so hell bent on making it work, hoping he would appreciate my affection and loyalty only to have this happen. I know eventually I will overcome this but right now I don't feel well..my world is off and Im angry and upset that he has moved on without the decency of saying its over. Just not a good week for me. Its hitting me now because I had gotten use to him going 3-4 weeks without contact even tho I didn't like it but once he surpassed the 4 week mark that's when reality set in AMD Im wondering should I tell him how I feel or just move on. I won't lie..I want him back I know that's my attachment talking but I dont want the misery the relationship bought me either. I know I have issues and will work on my unhealthy attachment I just can't help to think that maybe we can work it out one day I understand where you are coming from...but the challange is...would you be willing to get back together with him as he is? Or are you hoping that by understanding attachment theory something will change? Because the way I read the above...you had hopes that he would respond the way you envisioned him to and when he did not...It sounds like you became disappointed. Doing something in hopes that another person will change is a very slippery slope because people oftentimes can sense when someone is not happy with them and that person will react in defensive ways. I get that you are angry....it seems to me that you expected him to be different the second time around....but he is who he is...and once a person shows you who he/she is...then your option is to decide whather or not you want to accept them or move on to someone else. What would telling him how you feel do for you? I only say that because he has not responded the way you wanted him to in other scenarios and that could be a set up for more frustration. I wish you well. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 22:08:47 GMT
You're right, I tolerated it but I just found out about these disorders a year ago after I already invested 2 years into this and yes I should have walked away last year but I was so hell bent on making it work, hoping he would appreciate my affection and loyalty only to have this happen. I know eventually I will overcome this but right now I don't feel well..my world is off and Im angry and upset that he has moved on without the decency of saying its over. Just not a good week for me. Its hitting me now because I had gotten use to him going 3-4 weeks without contact even tho I didn't like it but once he surpassed the 4 week mark that's when reality set in AMD Im wondering should I tell him how I feel or just move on. I won't lie..I want him back I know that's my attachment talking but I dont want the misery the relationship bought me either. I know I have issues and will work on my unhealthy attachment I just can't help to think that maybe we can work it out one day it's very difficult to go through a breakup, and it does get messy. whether you tell him how you feel, or decide not to, you will continue to face pain and disappointment and anger and all the negative things associated with the end of a relationship you had hope for. what i am saying, is don't put pressure on yourself to do anything one way or the other- just walk this out and try to be emotionally available to yourself to feel everything and grieve. you can learn about yourself and still be angry and sad. if you recognize your own patterns that contributed, it doesn't invalidate your feelings. it just gives you a balancing perspective of something you do have power over, and can have hope about, if you can gain insight and make changes in how you approach others, how you approach yourself. the grieving process will take place no matter how you choose to go through it. it's just that working on your own issues can help keep you from getting stuck in denial, bargaining, anger, despair.... and move you over time into acceptance and an improvement in your own relationship habits. |
|
|
|
Post by recovering71 on Jul 7, 2018 22:46:44 GMT
Thank you for that. Im just in shock still and my emotions are all over the place. I know they will subside its just getting use to my new normal...him no longer in my life😞
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 22:52:22 GMT
Thank you for that. Im just in shock still and my emotions are all over the place. I know they will subside its just getting use to my new normal...him no longer in my life😞 i really understand. i went through a breakup with very different conditions but the whole process is still one of grief. the new normal is difficult. there is just no way around it. i just have found that the best way through it is to really try to heal up things inside myself and be open to change and growth even while i suffer a bit. |
|
|
|
Post by kelvain on Jul 18, 2018 4:33:45 GMT
Why bother asking me how my day was only to disappear? He broke up once before last year but contacted me 2 days later after I apologized so I believed him when he said he would let me know when he was ready to end this. He told me a few months back after one of his many silent treatments that he is never done and that he gives the silent treatment for us to calm down. I just didn't think he could do this after 3 years so heartless..Im trying my best not to contact him I'll just say this... That's a really sh*tty thing that this guy did to you. Nobody deserves to be completely dismissed like that. It's a total and complete lack of respect. I don't care if a person is DA,FA, AP, or ABC... Have the decency to let the person who is being dumped know and take ownership of your actions toward others for chrissakes! recovering71, you don't deserve to be treated like you are insignificant. You did nothing wrong. Just know that there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. I know this from personal experience with my ex DA. Once you realize this, you will be so much better off. You deserve better and better is out there for you! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2018 10:27:35 GMT
Why bother asking me how my day was only to disappear? He broke up once before last year but contacted me 2 days later after I apologized so I believed him when he said he would let me know when he was ready to end this. He told me a few months back after one of his many silent treatments that he is never done and that he gives the silent treatment for us to calm down. I just didn't think he could do this after 3 years so heartless..Im trying my best not to contact him I'll just say this... That's a really sh*tty thing that this guy did to you. Nobody deserves to be completely dismissed like that. It's a total and complete lack of respect. I don't care if a person is DA,FA, AP, or ABC... Have the decency to let the person who is being dumped know and take ownership of your actions toward others for chrissakes! recovering71, you don't deserve to be treated like you are insignificant. You did nothing wrong. Just know that there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. I know this from personal experience with my ex DA. Once you realize this, you will be so much better off. You deserve better and better is out there for you! Totally agree with kelvain here - it doesn't matter what your issues are, be a decent person and take ownership / be responsible. |
|
|
|
Post by recovering71 on Jul 19, 2018 4:34:48 GMT
He finally sent a text 10 days ago after disappearing for 7 weeks. He didn't mention his absence only asked how I was doing along with other things and sent of nude pic of himself like that was suppose to make everything ok.The conversation was limited then he waited another 5 days before contacting me, again..limited conversation. Now its day 6th and I haven't heard from him since last Friday at this point I just don't care anymore. The next time he text ill give him a dose of his own medicine and ignore it and treat him like he is treating me..like he doesn't give a shit. He waits 7 weeks for contact only to flake which Im not surprised. Sadly I still have feelings but moving more towards just walking away Im angry and disappointed in myself for tolerating this now I have to pull it together and fix the part I played in this with my neediness and Co dependency
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2018 5:42:42 GMT
Don't be hard on yourself, recovering71 - remember that even a Secure can be pulled into AP traits with certain relationship patterns.
The first steps to the healing changes are usually in response to the deep hurt of dysfunction and when the scales begin to be lifted from our eyes.
Be kind to yourself and focus on you, not him.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Jul 19, 2018 7:39:01 GMT
It’s what I said in a previous post. He’s coming back in the hope of sex. Something to boost his ego. I’d put bets on (turn away if you’re sensitive) that he’s masturbating at the time he’s sending the nude message and getting regret afterwards, not replying. Not pretty.
|
|
