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Post by recovering71 on Jul 19, 2018 15:16:50 GMT
Juniper Im about to describe his characteristics as well as mines and u tell me this isn't a classic avoidant dance. When we first met he was charming respectful. He.kept in contact all the time but I noticed when it came to showing affection he would not participate..if I hugged him he wouldn't hug back, he said he didn't like to kiss he never reached out to show affection I have to do it. I placed him on a pedestal and thought if I continued to show love and affection he would appreciate it and he never did. When I started sleeking my mind 2 years later teats when he would shut down and for no contact which at first caught me off guard and would make me upset and worried that things were over. I tolerated the silent treatment and tried to just go with the flow but lately he has been too distant not as charming and the silent treatments were more frequent. Then in may he decides to disappear for 6 weeks only to pop up 2 weeks ago. Im leaning on just dealing with him from a distance and.living my life when he gives silent. .I love him or the person he presented in the beginning and its hard to let go |
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 19, 2018 15:21:54 GMT
There were other things going on to detailed to put on here but he is avoidant and Im anxious and codependent, Im.working on myself since finding this out , stemming from.lack of attention and affection from.childhood. Mom died when I was 12 dad wasnt around much when I was a kid because their divorce was nasty so I grew up seeking love from men I was willing to please even when I wasn't getting it in return, tolerating disrespectful behaviour and here I am 47 just not finding out about attachment styles codependent behaviour and love addiction. I have work to do on myself Im glad I found these boards..it really helps
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Post by mrob on Jul 19, 2018 15:25:41 GMT
I actually disagree with it not being related. I think it’s intimately (pun intended) related. On the other side, my AP ex would send me racy pics if I didn’t respond to her in the right amount of time.
When the instincts are threatened, people pull whatever strings they can to get what they want, and people do strange things within the privacy of a relationship. All this attachment stuff is in the background, animating us subconsciously if we’re not aware of it.
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Post by lilyg on Jul 19, 2018 15:44:55 GMT
Do not respond on his explanations but on your reality. It's making you feel bad and confused, he does not deserve any more thought on this. You're seem like a nice lady. He should treat you like a gentleman, even if he has trouble with relationships.
I was nice to a guy like this when I was younger and he once sent me a pic of him doing innapropiate things with a girl (it made me cry as I still had feelings for him and he was just being plain malicious), and I understood some guys are just like this, and should not be engaged. I know of course it's not the same, but I think that if you broke up and you're nowhere near having that kind of intimacy, he should know better.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2018 15:48:31 GMT
I actually disagree with it not being related. I think it’s intimately (pun intended) related. On the other side, my AP ex would send me racy pics if I didn’t respond to her in the right amount of time. When the instincts are threatened, people pull whatever strings they can to get what they want, and people do strange things within the privacy of a relationship. All this attachment stuff is in the background, animating us subconsciously if we’re not aware of it. i'm not saying the behavior isn't related, but to only describe these obscene gestures here and to try to categorize this as a typical ap-da dynamic is a little far fetched. it's like saying that typical AP jealously involves the physical attacks and extreme measures of jealous control i suffered at the hands of a BPD AP, in my opinion. there are extremes in behavior, often influenced by comorbidity. in any case, the behavior is more than a racy pic sent to elicit a response. OP is clearly distressed by it and it's happening in spite of her pleas for connection . it's beyond distancing its like sexual assault with the level of disrespect and disregard for her dignity and personhood. |
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 19, 2018 16:06:29 GMT
I actually disagree with it not being related. I think it’s intimately (pun intended) related. On the other side, my AP ex would send me racy pics if I didn’t respond to her in the right amount of time. When the instincts are threatened, people pull whatever strings they can to get what they want, and people do strange things within the privacy of a relationship. All this attachment stuff is in the background, animating us subconsciously if we’re not aware of it. i'm not saying the behavior isn't related, but to only describe these obscene gestures here and to try to categorize this as a typical ap-da dynamic is a little far fetched. it's like saying that typical AP jealously involves the physical attacks and extreme measures of jealous control i suffered at the hands of a BPD AP, in my opinion. there are extremes in behavior, often influenced by comorbidity. in any case, the behavior is more than a racy pic sent to elicit a response. OP is clearly distressed by it and it's happening in spite of her pleas for connection . it's beyond distancing its like sexual assault with the level of disrespect and disregard for her dignity and personhood. |
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 19, 2018 16:09:15 GMT
Ok regarding the pic, we had been sending each other pics throughout knowing each other. This is the first time he sent a full nude pic because I mentioned to him how he never sends a full pic that's not what bothers me, its his dismissive e behavior to which I've decided to just go with the flow and live my life. Eventually I will tire of this and move on
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 19, 2018 19:33:48 GMT
There were other things going on to detailed to put on here but he is avoidant and Im anxious and codependent, Im.working on myself since finding this out , stemming from.lack of attention and affection from.childhood. Mom died when I was 12 dad wasnt around much when I was a kid because their divorce was nasty so I grew up seeking love from men I was willing to please even when I wasn't getting it in return, tolerating disrespectful behaviour and here I am 47 just not finding out about attachment styles codependent behaviour and love addiction. I have work to do on myself Im glad I found these boards..it really helps Hi recovering 71 I can relate to alot of what you are saying and my heart hurts for you so much. I to am very co dependent and very AP. I am 53 and only just learning about these attachments styles. How the hell is that when this information is so important to know. I have started to talk to my adult children about what I've learnt in order to help them in there relationships. I fear this knowledge has come to late for me and my ex as he's already looking for someone to replace me and its only been 7 weeks since he left. I believe deep down that when I get over the loss of him not being around I will be thankful that he was the one strong enough this time to walk away and stay away as hes done it 3 times already. He just always tells me how I deserve so much better as I'm such a beautiful kind gentle person. It breaks my heart when he says things like that because no one is better than another, it just appears that way as he has no idea of attachment styles either he just says he's got issues and is a terrible boyfriend. It's hard no to agree in my mind as it all seems intentional and so frustrating. He is also a very heavy drinker and addicted to on line gaming. I thought I was dealing with a person just addicted to playing games and I use to allow resentments to build up in me as he was always choosing them over me. But I do wonder if it's just his way of escaping especially since we live together, now I understand he couldn't possibly sit and relax every evening with me. It's such a bloody mess now. I got upset with him 3 times over the gaming and each time he packed his stuff and left. I was besides myself and thinking what the hell a few crossed words and that all it took, this is not a nice attachment to have all when your not aware of it. He was able to tell me he loved, always after a few drinks. It breaks my heart thinking back. I can see his face now his eyes would be all teary and he would say to me "you know I love you Helen but i have issues". Its just so sad for all involved. He is such a kind and caring man and I wish I could tell him what I've learnt. He was texting me morning and evening for about the first 5 weeks, but it's dwindle off now and I think he is seeing someone else. We are still friends and you never know maybe one day I might have the chance to introduce in the attachment theories I'm really not sure how It would go down though. I think we have had some sound advice from others replying on this post, a clear message of get on living our lives the Best way possible, self love, self care letting go and let god deal with what we can't control. Ps have you dried CODA, its a 12 step program for co dependents. Sending big hugs x I think self love is the key. I don't think anyone chooses an insecure attachment. I see you still so focused on him....and you have spent so much time being so understanding towards his issues...but I don't see the same care and consideration towards yourself. Wherever you are...that is where you are..and it is ok even if it does not feel ok. 🙂 |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 19, 2018 21:20:18 GMT
I am sorry that you are hurting. As I havent experienced these type of relationsships/adictions/obsessions myself, I am not of much help. I just remembered the two movies because I saw your post. I believe that underneath it all, are the attatchmentstyles. Stan Tatkin used to work with codepedense ect. but he changed to working with the attatchment styles. There is something called OTRS (ongoing traumatic relationsship syndrome) Expecially for people in relationsships with asperger partners. I do not know if children of aspergers gets it too. Try to look in the general section - the post about desorganised attatchment and trauma. Maybe the work by Peter Levine (SE) and Diane ect. on how to calm down your nerveussystem can help you. Get a skilled therapist to work with you. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/disorganized-trauma-speeder-brake-dramaFlic also posted about her experience with SE therapy in another thread. Thank you anne 12 I appreciate you taking the time out to reply and offer help. Anne I am worn out with my own thoughts and feeling. I for some UN known reason cannot get a grip and I am frightened really frightened. Panic has now settled in, and I hate myself for being so weak and as a mother what good have I been to my children with this behaviour. God I thought I was f...up. what they have been thru Just be with the panic..don't label it or yourself. What helps me is to visualize that panic as me as a baby who requires soothing...you can visualize a trusted friend or yourself rocking that baby and telling her it will all be ok even if it does not feel ok. Another thing you can do is to reset your central nervous system by laying on the floor on your back with your feet up on a chair....listen to some calming music. Stay there for at least 5 minutes. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 19, 2018 22:04:15 GMT
Tnr9 thank you will try this tomorrow. Reached out to him tonight and got rebuffed. I have lowered myself again to this man who besides attachments styles I have allowed to use and abuse me. Please tell me what is the best cause of action, I was going to say to save My dignity but i gave that up long ago. I am ready to listen to you now. I hate myself so much for giving him so much of my power. Please help. Ok...I am still working...but will craft a message to you later tonight.....for right now...just stop with labeling yourself...and know that you are not alone, you are not crazy...you are just hurting and using familiar patterns to try to stop the pain. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 19, 2018 23:04:08 GMT
Ok regarding the pic, we had been sending each other pics throughout knowing each other. This is the first time he sent a full nude pic because I mentioned to him how he never sends a full pic that's not what bothers me, its his dismissive e behavior to which I've decided to just go with the flow and live my life. Eventually I will tire of this and move on Always helps to have the full story. So it wasn’t much of a leap, and he thought he’d get your attention in a way you’d like. It’s the circumstances between you that have changed. |
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Post by kelvain on Jul 20, 2018 3:57:40 GMT
There were other things going on to detailed to put on here but he is avoidant and Im anxious and codependent, Im.working on myself since finding this out , stemming from.lack of attention and affection from.childhood. Mom died when I was 12 dad wasnt around much when I was a kid because their divorce was nasty so I grew up seeking love from men I was willing to please even when I wasn't getting it in return, tolerating disrespectful behaviour and here I am 47 just not finding out about attachment styles codependent behaviour and love addiction. I have work to do on myself Im glad I found these boards..it really helps This may not be easy to hear or to do but you are going to have to accept the reality of who he is and how he is treating you. You then can take the next step and cut him out of your life because YOU know and truly believe it is best for you. As an observation; you almost come across as defending his actions, or perhaps justifying them along with his disrespectful treatment. And I do get why you keep the door open. I've been there for 10 years, fighting for scraps, hoping they will make some time see you. But it's up to you to say Enough! Wishing you well on your journey |
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malley
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I haven't heard from my long distance boyfriend in 2 weeks after being together for 4 years.
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Post by malley on Jul 28, 2018 11:36:50 GMT
Recovering, I am a new member who posted last night about this very thing that has happened to me. After 4 years, I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. My heart is broken and I am looking for support too. Thank you for posting and I pray for your healing and peace as I pray for myself. Yes, I also pray he will come back. Love to you.
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 29, 2018 16:45:32 GMT
Recovering, I am a new member who posted last night about this very thing that has happened to me. After 4 years, I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. My heart is broken and I am looking for support too. Thank you for posting and I pray for your healing and peace as I pray for myself. Yes, I also pray he will come back. Love to you. |
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 29, 2018 16:53:25 GMT
Thank you and Im praying for your healing. I read up on anxious avoidant behavior a year ago and thought I could control my triggers and could not. Everytime he got angry he would disappear for weeks at a time then pop back into my life as if nothing happened. In may he disappeared for 7 weeks the longest he has ever disappeared only to text me 3 weeks ago today as if nothing was wrong. He then disappeared another 5 days before texting and then did it again. I sent a text this past Monday telling him I was tired of his bullshit and to take his circus elsewhere AMD that I honestly don't care anymore. He then told me he fit demoted in his job back in may and had a lot on his mind yet he still finds time to get in FB and in the dating website we met on so there's no excuse. Haven't heard from him since wednesday so Im done and ready to move on. I know how u feel, their silent treatment and disapperaung acts are no good for our triggers one day like me you will tire of this and start to look within for healing love and awareness so that u can break the cycle of codependency..much love
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