Dealing with Loss in Limbo
Jul 11, 2018 4:57:48 GMT
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mrob, goldilocks, and 1 more like this
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 4:57:48 GMT
I've read your posts and this has been quite a roller coaster ride, with the two of you pinging and ponging back and forth with extreme reactions.
I don't know if he is DA, FA, or what.
It's clear, as you say, that you are a really activated AP.
What i notice throughout your posting is that it seems that you are really dependent on him to choose a direction for the relationship. If he says it's on, it's on, right? If he says it's off, it's off? Even though you've been miserable in the relationship, he still needs to decide if it's on now and let you know? Or let you know if it's off? What's he showing you? This is not really just a "him" problem, you probably know.
when you were together, you asked him to make adjustments to meet your needs, there was a misunderstanding, you had a major reaction and blew up.
If i understand it correctly, he stopped reaching out or "coming back" after that, but would respond to your attempts at contact. I know you think he is confusing, but another perspective might be, that you are confusing.
He might not really know what to do with your repeated contact.
I've always thought that it's really unrealistic for one insecurely attached person in a relationship to have a bunch of rigid expectations of proper behavior for their insecurely attached partner , and get so indignant about it. it just doesn't seem reasonable.
It seems you keep reaching out to get him to express something verbally to you about his interest in continuing with you or not, because things haven't been clear to you since you went off on him. And, you didn't appreciate the way he responded to your sincere apology (caution: your friend's take on that is merely her guessing opinion and should be viewed as such unless she really can read minds).
i know it's frustrating that he is not responding in the way that you would like, to either reciprocate your interest or tell you flatly that he is done.
It stands out to me that he expressed to you, that you always want something different from him (i think this is what it means if you "always have a problem with him") . Apparently, he is not going to give it to you.
Together, or apart, you are really trying to get him to do things you think he should do. He doesn't seem to be concerned about what you think he should do, at least not now.
You don't want to make it easy on him because he isn't making it easy on you?
My perspective is, you're making this super hard for yourself by railing against a man who would leave you alone if you left him alone. That triggers you, but so would him telling you that he is done, right?
I mean, you're putting all the onus on him for your emotional well being, aren't you? That's never going to help you. He's shown you exactly what he is willing to do for and with you. And, nothing he does is really going to take care of your triggers, is it?
Who is going to make the decisions that need to be made , in your best interest, so that you can stop throwing your dignity in the gutter and chasing him down for closure?
He won't. Clearly. At least not on your timeline.
I just want to encourage you to pay attention to what he is showing you (he is not continuing with you- either in a relationship or in the closure you want) and accept the reality of that so you can focus on finding ways to deal with your triggers since you have to work with him.
it takes two to make a relationship good or bad- but when it comes to breakups the deal is off and you have to fend for yourself to do what's best for you.
I don't know if he is DA, FA, or what.
It's clear, as you say, that you are a really activated AP.
What i notice throughout your posting is that it seems that you are really dependent on him to choose a direction for the relationship. If he says it's on, it's on, right? If he says it's off, it's off? Even though you've been miserable in the relationship, he still needs to decide if it's on now and let you know? Or let you know if it's off? What's he showing you? This is not really just a "him" problem, you probably know.
when you were together, you asked him to make adjustments to meet your needs, there was a misunderstanding, you had a major reaction and blew up.
If i understand it correctly, he stopped reaching out or "coming back" after that, but would respond to your attempts at contact. I know you think he is confusing, but another perspective might be, that you are confusing.
He might not really know what to do with your repeated contact.
I've always thought that it's really unrealistic for one insecurely attached person in a relationship to have a bunch of rigid expectations of proper behavior for their insecurely attached partner , and get so indignant about it. it just doesn't seem reasonable.
It seems you keep reaching out to get him to express something verbally to you about his interest in continuing with you or not, because things haven't been clear to you since you went off on him. And, you didn't appreciate the way he responded to your sincere apology (caution: your friend's take on that is merely her guessing opinion and should be viewed as such unless she really can read minds).
i know it's frustrating that he is not responding in the way that you would like, to either reciprocate your interest or tell you flatly that he is done.
It stands out to me that he expressed to you, that you always want something different from him (i think this is what it means if you "always have a problem with him") . Apparently, he is not going to give it to you.
Together, or apart, you are really trying to get him to do things you think he should do. He doesn't seem to be concerned about what you think he should do, at least not now.
You don't want to make it easy on him because he isn't making it easy on you?
My perspective is, you're making this super hard for yourself by railing against a man who would leave you alone if you left him alone. That triggers you, but so would him telling you that he is done, right?
I mean, you're putting all the onus on him for your emotional well being, aren't you? That's never going to help you. He's shown you exactly what he is willing to do for and with you. And, nothing he does is really going to take care of your triggers, is it?
Who is going to make the decisions that need to be made , in your best interest, so that you can stop throwing your dignity in the gutter and chasing him down for closure?
He won't. Clearly. At least not on your timeline.
I just want to encourage you to pay attention to what he is showing you (he is not continuing with you- either in a relationship or in the closure you want) and accept the reality of that so you can focus on finding ways to deal with your triggers since you have to work with him.
it takes two to make a relationship good or bad- but when it comes to breakups the deal is off and you have to fend for yourself to do what's best for you.