Hey there, new here. Apologies if wrong section, move if needs be
Bit of background and then a question to you lovely AP's if I may.
Background:
I'm 39, male, divorced with a kid and I am a textbook FA. My attachment behaviour is only something I have discovered in recent months following the breakup of my most recent relationship with my gf of three years. After attending therapy, self reflecting, being honest with myself in a way I have never done before, and googling like hell it appears I tick all the boxes of a classic FA, from the push pull dynamic of my most recent relationship, to the absolute anxiety and utter desolation and heartbreak I feel when a partner makes my self fulfilling prophecy come true and eventually is brave enough to finish with me.
My ex gf (36) is a stone cold AP. Her relationship prior to me was with a rather nasty narcisstic character which ended with a restraining order against him. She is a beacon for bad people, and yes, avoidants like me. As much as I hate to characterise myself as bad, my behaviour towards her in our time together could be classified as that and I have to accept and own that.
We met online. Got on wonderfully. We made each other laugh, were comfortable with each other , would open up with each other in ways we hadn't in our previous relatiobships, shared interests and music, and the sex was quite frankly insane.. Like an energy. She fell for me, and I fell for her. Hard. But anytime she tried to cement our relationship it was met with me being elusive, be it her giving me a key to her home, to meeting her family, to asking to meet mine, to talking about future plans... All of these things made me run. And it hurt her.
I loved her, and I know she loved me. I care for her so so deeply, even now, and feel very protective of her and her daughter, but when we wee together I was not a great bf much of the time. Often I would give her a glimpse of security and intimacy, and she would be so happy, but would then be followed by me pulling the rug from under her feet as I eluded things, broke promises, hid myself away. Horrible of me. I regret so much how I treated her. But still her love for me perservered. Our rollercoaster relationship continued with wonderful highs and some heavy lows, all the while staying attached and besotted with each other in the typical AP/FA, toxic dance manner, each scratching our unresolved childhood issues whilst not providing any resolution. Were we happy together? Often yes, but also often not. Were we addicted to each other? Definitely. Could we have been happy together long term? If I had known then what I know now about myself, then maybe.
At the time I had no idea why I would keep pushing her away despite being quite obsessed with her and feeling nothing but love for her. I tried not to think about it too much, convincing myself that maybe she wasn't "the one" for all manner of stupid trivial reasons. Well, It seems events that happened to me in childhood (my dad left when I was little which led to my mother's attempted suicide... I found her when she had taken an overdose... And then years of my mother being sectioned and dosed up on meds whilst heavily depressed throughout my entire childhood) have obviously impacted me and how I handle my adult relationships. My therapist was stunned I had not confronted these issues at any point in my life. Couple that with my ex wife divorcing me, plus a couple of other pretty heavy adult relationship incidents, things have manifested themselves in me as being afraid to get hurt again. I want love, I desire it, but I'm terrified of it. I don't want to be hurt again. The feeling is intense. One side of my brain says "mmmm love, this is so nice, I want more and I want to give it back" and the other side of my brain says "whoah, be careful, remember what happened last time?" and my FA tendencies get activated. It's only now I am coming to terms with these feelings after my recent breakup with my gf, as I had no idea why I would push away someone I wanted to be with so much. That's when I learnt about attachment theory and everything seemed to suddenly make sense. It was like a revelation.
Recent break up:
So, like I said, my ex gf is an AP, to the point that any of my avoidant actions could lead to her having a full blown anxiety attack. She is full of love and empathy and kindness, but she also has low self esteem and feelings of low self worth. She is guided and influenced by her partner, whoever that may be at the tine. She is poor at making boundaries for herself. She throws herself into a relationship and gives it absolutely everything. It shapes her and makes her who she is. A lot of this I believe stems from a fraught relationship she has with her mother who isn't a great person it seems, and an incident when she was younger when she was abused.
After a long time of us doing the push pull dance, blocking and unblocking each other, tears and anger, confusion and anxiety on both sides, she finally ended things. This isn't something she did lightly, it caused her great pain to do so. But she did it, and in ending things with me I know she was taking a big step in the right direction towards being a more secure and braver person for the benefit of her sanity and future happiness. Despite my heartache, I am weirdly proud of her as well. Very conflicting emotions for me to feel.
During this period after the split, I, heartbroken and in pain and mourning, took time to go to therapy and self reflect to find out why I had acted and finally pushed into doing the one thing that I didn't want to happen. That's when I learnt I am an FA.
It's going to take a long long time for me to resolve the issues I have, but I have to do this. For myself, for my future happiness and so as to not torment any other person I may have a relationship with. It's a long long road ahead, and it's communities like this that may prove helpful to me on those days when I feel low, or don't have anyone to talk to about the pain I feel, and how I can improve and learn to trust and reciprocate love again, with a partner and most importantly with myself.
Question time:
My question is, now that I realise why I act how I act, now I understand the dynamics of the relationship I had with my ex gf, and if I am ever able to push myself towards a more secure attachment style and stable thought process , is there any hope with me and my ex gf eventually reconciling? Is it selfish for me to think like this and I should just leave the poor girl alone? I love her so much and feel distraught she may be out of my life forever, and I know she loved me so very much too. I want to change, to heal, first and foremost for me, but I can't help but think much further down the road we could try again when both of us are in a much better place. I know it's wrong to think like this and for now I just need to focus on self recovery and being secure in myself, to trust others and receive their love without running, to not be in fear anymore. But what do you guys think? If an FA or other avoidant came back to you and you were sure he/she had changed for the better, would you ever want them back? Or would it be a case of "thanks but no thanks, I can't risk my sanity again"? Interested to hear your honest thoughts, although I am expecting some answers I may not want to hear. Thanks! And big love to you all
