Katherine Woodward Thomas is the creator of the Conscious Uncoupling Process, made famous by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who used her now infamous term to announce their own divorce.
Most of us know that breakups are often filled with hostility and festering hurts that can take months if not years to fully heal. In the midst of a breakup, it's easy to behave in unconscious and antagonist ways, even for the most conscious and caring of us.
Yet none of us want to break up in ways that will do irreparable damage to ourselves, each other and our children if we have them.
Conscious Uncoupling is the first program of its kind, and provides a 5-step blueprint for how to breakup better!
5 Steps To Conscious Uncoupling » Step 1: Find Emotional Freedom. »Step 2: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life. »Step 3: Break the Pattern, Heal Your Heart. »Step 4: Become a Love Alchemist. »Step 5: Create Your Happy Even After Life.
1) Put your belly to the ground 2) Curl onto your side and slowly rock: add long exhales using the sound “shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” 3) Roll to your back, knees up, feet on the floor, to reset your nervous system
I recently saw Call Me By Your Name, and like so many others, I left the cinema deeply moved by one of the award-winning film's now most famous scenes, the father's acceptance of the probably hardest thing in life: embracing the pain.
"Right now you do not want to feel anything," says the father of his son, Elio, who is emotionally completely on his knees after being abandoned by his beloved.
“Maybe you never want to feel anything again. And - maybe it's not up to me to want to talk about these things. But you obviously felt something. Listen, you had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. ”
In the book on which the manuscript is based, the father further adds: “If there is pain where you are right now, take care of it. And if there is a flame, do not suffocate it. Do not be brutal towards what you feel. (Emotional) abstinences can be a terrible thing when they keep us awake at night. And watching others forget us faster than we want to be forgotten is not easier. ”
What a waste Both the movie and the book continue: “We peel so much out of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should, that we are bankrupt when we reach 30 - and have less to offer every time we start all over again with a new. But to avoid feeling not to feel anything at all - what a waste! …
How you live your life is your business. But remember our hearts… are only given to us once. And before you know it, it's worn out… Right now there's grief - pain. Do not kill it - and with the joy you felt. "
The father can embrace the son's pain precisely because he has embraced his own. Because he has acknowledged that his own reluctance to feel the pain kept this longing encounter at a safe distance in his own life:
“I have been close ... but I have never experienced what you two shared. Something always held me back. Or stood in the way. ”
His father's humble realization shows Elio that the pain also carries beauty. A beauty that, if we dare, will facilitate a much deeper encounter within ourselves with ourselves. Insisting on security in love easily becomes a way out of this encounter. In the wake of avoidance follows a much deeper pain: the pain of never really daring to indulge completely in life and thus love.
And before we know it, what we long for most is entrenched behind the boundaries of love: security and predictability - solely because we, as Elio's father, do not dare to stand by ourselves in the face of love. But avoiding pain nourishes pain. To heal it, you have to feel it. The greatest security in the encounter with love is the willingness to stand by ourselves.
Love demands that we risk ourselves. That we stand by ourselves. Even when it forces us to our knees. The challenges that must demand our own creation always come from others - and usually from the one we love the most. To learn the secrets of the heart “and by this knowledge become a part of the heart of life” (Kahlil Gibran), we must risk standing with an open, vulnerable heart in painful moments. Only then can what has hardened in us be softened. Only then, can we accommodate the full encounter of love with ourselves and each other.
Do not get smaller The father's humble and longing realization of his own life-cowardice is life wisdom in its most beautiful form. And one of the most beautiful gifts a parent can pass on to their child.
In his now famous monologue, the father does not just open Elio up to the potential transforming power of pain. He gives him the courage to dare to strive for a larger version of himself in a situation where it is most tempting to hide away in a smaller one.
The movies ending scene, in which Elio lets the pain dance over his face, is refreshing to witness, I think, because he dares to embrace the fragility most of us hope and long for, that another will embrace for us.
The moment Elio stands by himself and his pain, he takes ownership of love. It's just. Completely independent of Oliver's stay or disappearance.
For reflection In therapy, much development in relationships strands on unwillingness to remain fragile and open when the partner's reproaches activate inner unresolved pain in one.
This is the most difficult challenge for the vast majority of us.
Have you thought about the way you deal with pain?
Or the way you instinctively protect yourself from pain?
Why do you do that and what price do you basically end up paying for this usually completely unconscious choice?
Just knowing this about oneself can advance the therapeutic process exponentially. But willingness to move from “insight into” to “experience of” the painful is the biggest and most important step one takes at all in the therapeutic process.
A couples therapist, researcher, "Why you will never fall in love with the wrong person"
This is how I felt, and this is how many of my clients feel too ... 😢 It's so frustrating when you can see the sense in a break without being able to act on it, because the heart is panicking ... So what is the solution to that? How do you get heart and mind to work together? What does it take? And isn't it really your heart that says stop at all, even if it feels that way? Is there one thing I have learned through both my own self-loving process, and by helping others with theirs, then it is that the solution often does not start where we think it starts. For many, the perception is that the sensible solution to their heartache starts with a breakup, but now that it is so difficult to implement this breakup, I have learned that this is not exactly where the solution starts. It starts somewhere else. For what I know is that you will always be able to act on your next step. So when the step with a fracture feels impossible, then there is at least one or more steps that come before this big step.
In fact, it is not your heart that says stop. It is not love that prevents you from saying stop to the relationship. No .... that's your fear. The fear that you will not feel missed The fear of losing an opportunity or a dream The fear of feeling your grief The fear that it was your own fault it did not work The fear of being able to fend for yourself (perhaps for the first time in your adult life) The fear of feeling alone and lonely The fear of never being able to find a partner who can love you again The fear of never experiencing such intense and satisfying sex again The fear of not being able to accommodate your feelings and your pain over the loss
And fear is just a far stronger feeling than Logic and reason ..... And therefore you can not take the big step. It will simply send you too far out of your comfort zone. All the way to the panic zone. And this stops your development and your growth.
So the solution is to start somewhere else. A safer place that still challenges you, but is more comfortable. Instead of focusing on a breakup, focus on your Self-love and your self-esteem. Start growing by setting a few more boundaries, saying no and learning how to communicate without losing yourself. Show yourself that you can count on yourself. Learn to deal with the emotions that arise when you take a small step out of your comfort zone by setting boundaries you do not normally stick to ....
However, do not dare to start a huge inner revolution, by storming out into a big break with your reason as motivation, but simply dare one small step at a time towards your freedom, your self-love. It is enough. It's taking responsibility, and it's setting a wave in motion. For even the longest journey starts with the first step, and then the next and the next and the next and ......
With good help from time and by putting one foot in front of the other with small selfish steps, you will quietly become so strong inside that you can make your heart cooperate with your reason so that you are able to curb fear and deal with it. And when you are ready, the break comes by itself ... (Unless, of course, your process has boosted your partner's process, and things actually worked out. It's been seen before that when one changes his pattern, the other follows.)
If you do not think you are worth loving anymore, then get some professional help.
In Japan, it has been found that grief can change the shape of the heart, as the heart actually collapses physically. It is called the vase heart. It looks like a vase and looks like a drop falling down. Narrow at the top and thicker at the bottom. This has been proven on the X-ray images of people who were affected by deep grief.
The change of the heart is called takotsubo, the name comes from the Chinese jar/vase which the heart resembles when it gets this “disease” which is often triggered by deep heartache.
What is Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is a temporary heart condition that develops in response to an intense emotional or physical experience. It’s also known as stress cardiomyopathy or broken heart syndrome. In this condition, the heart’s main pumping chamber changes shape, affecting the heart’s ability to pump blood effectively. The heart’s chamber looks similar to a Tako -Tsubo pot, which is a Japanese fishing pot used to catch octopus.
What are the causes of Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is brought on by an extremely stressful physical or emotional event. Common triggers can include the death of a loved one, a serious accident, a fierce argument, an unexpected loss or a sudden illness. These triggers are the reason for the condition’s nickname, broken heart syndrome. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy can occur at any age in both men and women, but it mostly affects older women.
What are the signs and symptoms of Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? The main symptoms are sudden chest pain, shortness of breath or fainting - usually after feeling severe stress. These symptoms are similar to those of a heart attack, so if you experience these symptoms, call an ambulance straight away (dial 000 if in Australia).
What are the possible tests to diagnose Takotsubo What are the possible tests to diagnose Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? Your doctor will perform several tests to rule out a heart attack and confirm your diagnosis. You may need one or more of the following tests to determine the cause of your symptoms:
ECG – an electrical recording of your heart’s action Blood test – to check for enzymes that indicate damage to the heart muscle Echocardiogram – an ultrasound of your heart which studies the heart’s shape and detects any abnormal movements of the main pumping chamber Coronary angiogram - to check the blood flow through your heart’s blood vessels (coronary arteries). People with Takotsubo cardiomyopathy don’t have a blockage in their coronary arteries, whereas in heart attacks there is a blockage. What are the possible treatments for Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? Medication is the most common treatment. Medication will reduce the stress on your heart and help your heart muscle recover, and most people only need to take it for a short time. Still, it’s important to follow the treatment and medication plan your doctor has given you.
If you’re unsure about your treatment plan or have any questions, speak to your doctor.
What is the plan if you have Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? The good news is that the heart muscle usually heals within 2-4 weeks, and most people fully recover within two months. You may need regular follow-ups with echocardiograms to check your heart’s recovery.
It is important to manage any physical or emotional stress that may have triggered your condition. Speak to your doctor or cardiac rehabilitation team, as they are the best people to help you.
Cardiac rehabilitation teaches you how to stay healthy, feel more confident managing your condition and reduce the chance of getting sick again.
Demonstration with a real heart from institute of human atonemy
Its supposed to affect females and post menoposal females more than males
00:34 - 00:55 Why Name It Takotsubo? 00:56 - 03:05 Heart Tour 03:06 - 04:21 Cause of Broken Heart Syndrome 04:22 - 05:10 What's Happening to the Heart? 05:11 - 05:35 Diagnosing Broken Heart Syndrome 05:36 - 05:57 Why Does It Affect Females More? 05:58 - 06:35 The Good News 06:36 - 06:55 Shameless Plugs
Are you walking around with old grief in the body? Many of us have taught us to be strong, not to cry. No one should see our feelings, we must be strong for others and we put ourselves together and we tuffen up.
Old grief in the body may be from the loss of a dear person in the family, a friend ect.
Grief in the body may have other causes: A divorce can be sad and experienced as a loss. If we have lost a job or home, it can be a big loss. Having felt unwanted by parents If you are a healer, you may have taken on someone else's grief. There may be things that didn't stay the way you wanted.
How to recognize grief in the body: Don't be surprised if there is heaviness, sadness, melancholy, sense of loneliness, Physical pain, sinus problems, overweight are all about old grief you haven't processed and released.
Grief can sit in many places in the body. Primary symptoms of Grief can be a tense chest, overwhelmed, aching upper arm muscles as well as Tightened thighs. There may be locks on the spine. Behind all the anger or fear we are walking around with, there is usually a sadness behind. When grief has not been redeemed, it is stored in our body and in our cells. We release grief through tears and crying. Have you seen someone crying, you may have noticed that it seems to come deep down from the body, and it makes sense, because grief is associated with the lungs giving us life. The deep cavities helps the body to release the grief. But many have never learned or allowed themselves to mourn.
Mourning the loss of a loved one isn’t efficient, compact or logical, and it changes
The inner child we are going to take a closer look at is a sensitive inner child. It is a child in you who has a feeling of being abandoned. There can be a lot of emotions lying here and the emotions can be hard to accommodate. Emotional storm causes confusion. Situations and relationships often become difficult to navigate and difficult to accommodate. Therefore, when this inner child sets the agenda and controls our lives, we experience precisely that confusion and the search for something we cannot fully define. We may have a hard time keeping focus and completing the things we have set ourselves. It is the sensation of a small child who misses and longs for the close connection it had with its mother. The inner child spends a lot of energy following his longing and often ignores his own needs to make sure it is not abandoned. As an adult, you will often become dependent on the relationships you are in. For many, there will be a deep longing to be independent and self-sufficient.
If you had to do 3 good things for yourself over the next week then what would you do? You can now decide to bring it to life .. What do you need to make it a reality? If you were to think along the way, I can not do this, I can not, or it is not that important, there are other things that are more important right now. Then try to contact your Inner Child and repeat the affirmation.
The child's detachment with the mother. And the first grief.
Grief - how it is expressed, how the therapist relates to the grief and its relation to ‘The Dragon’ and ‘The Whale’s Stomach’ in the heroes journey. How the preconditions for grief can be managed so that it can be lived through.
The baby experience, that I'm not my mother and my mother is not me The child is in symbiotic relationship with its mother It is a grief to find out for the child and it creates a longing
Betrayal: - to lose - to lose ourselves and lose ourselves - we can choose some paths in life where we leave ourselves and where we are getting further and further away from ourselves - we compromise and go with others instead of standing by ourselves
The doctrine: - to lose - to deal with grief
Exambles: The colic child - the parents can distance themselves from the child because they are exhausted The parents put the child into its own room and leave it by itself The parents let the baby lie down and scream itself to sleep To save their relationship, the parents can put the child into its own room
The parents think the above works, because the baby stops crying, but that's because the baby have given up
When we losoe, we can be extra thin-skinned and then we need extra care from other people
We get in contact with how we lost our mother, when we experience new losses in life
Bodyposture: We loose the force in our arms when we reach out, and we are getting rejected We loose some muscles in our neck We collaps in our mid chect area Our shoulders moves forward The diagphram can be damaged/contracted and it can be difficult to breath We feel pain in our chest, when we loose people
We can not fix grief, we have to sit and wait and sit with the pain and the grief. Like Jonah in the belly of the whale. The only the thing he knows is, that he has to sit and wait until the whale will spit him out. We have to surrender to the grief. You can not set an out. Even if your sourroundings whants you to set an out.
In Harry Potter and the plants - the more you relax, the easier it is for the plant to let go youtu.be/x99RIkwttTE
We can not reach out ourselves, when we are grieving. We need other people to meet us and to support us in our grief.
We can get a feeling that we are wrong, when we are grieving.
The best thing we can do when people are grieving, is to help with practical tings when people are grieving. A child at this stage do not have a language. Therefore we just have to try to be precent with the person. As a friend you just have follow the person who is grieving. Theres 5 stages in grief.
When we look into a persons eyes when they are dying, their eyes can get very clear. Its the soul shining through. It is as it is.
When we feel grief there is a contraction in the body..all our feelings helps us ..... laughter and grief are closely related. If we go into the grief, and we try to cry as if we are grieving and laughing at the same time. You can try to do the posture yourself to get into a grieving position.
Grief sits in the lungs and in the colon.
Betrayal: - to lose - to lose ourselves and to loose ourselves in others - we can choose some paths in life, where we leave ourselves and where we are getting further and further away from ourselves - we compromise and go with others instead of standing by ourselves
The doctrine: - to lose - to deal with grief
When we lose, we can be extra thin-skinned and then we need extra care from other people
We get in contact how we lost our mother, when we experience new losses in life
Enagram type 2
To feel a need and to ask for it, will make us feel our fear of abandoment.
Physical movement: If we are pressured enough, our body will show where we have been most pressured/stressed as a child.
To follow your bliss can be difficult - you can see that other people can follow their bliss, but you cant feel it yourself
Enagram 2 or 7
Wounded children can make narratives
- sit on a chair. Feel the chair supporting you. - notise where in your body you feel lack of support - where is difficult for you to hold your own body ? - meet and greet your inner child - look into the childs eyes, what is the childs eyecolor, what does the child wear ? - co create a loving connection to the child that was abandened - like picking the child up and comfort the child and give the child a hug - imagine the child around 1 years old. Not able to walk in a Secure Way yet but it can crawl. - look into the child’s eyes - what color are they ? - say to the child “oh there you are. I have been waiting for you and I am so happy to see you” - then Pick the child up, comfort the child, and give the child a hug
- nurturing yourself, making yourself feel comftable is important. You cant nurture yourself enough at this age, so be generous
. what are my needs today - what are my values - how do i meet myself in order not to be abanded - what are my needs - what do i notise, what do i sence, what do i feel - what do i have to give up to be loved - i am allowed to have needs- i am loved with all my needs - i am able to meet my own needs
Developmental stages take place in waves. Up to 2 years we learn to be attached to another human being. Primarily our mother. We can get to know our sirens where we are trying to soothe our needs. We learn to be in symbiosis with our mother and to be separated from our mother. We learn how to feel if we are hungry ect.
Grief is a theme at this stage of our development. Once we have been in symbiosis with our mother, being divorced or fragmented from ourselves can feel uncomfortable.
The healthy child is mirrored in its need. That the mother mirrors us. Our mother "chats" with us ect. We experience that when we cry in different ways we get different needs met.
If we are not met in our needs, we disappear into ourselves.
We may find it difficult to set boundaries as our sensory system is fluid. Others may do very cross-border things towards us, but we do not register this. The inner feeling may also be that we have set a limit, perhaps with a glance, but others do not register this.
We do terrible things to soothe our needs where we can not take responsibility for our needs
The signs when setting boundaries can be very subtle.
When you are pressured on your own needs, you blend with others. My existence is conditioned by how others feel (family, work, friends, partner) I meet the needs of others at the expense of my own needs.
Love will be conditional. You want to give, and give, and give without the feeling that you get something back.
When this condition was created in the nervous system of being injured and not being mirrored. This sensation can be so intense that you cannot accommodate it in your nervous system.
One begins to soothe. one self One start to become addicted to work, drugs, alcohol, use sex, eat sugar ect.
There is an intensity over this. Everything else is ignored. You forget yourself. The body must discharge and must be confirmed externally. When the need is met, you come back again for more.
The chance of being rejected is recognizable. And can be what feels safe. Therefore, one can get caught in a spiral
That one does not have the strength to reach out can be connected to the feminine.
Sirens: To accept the feminine and to accept mother. The women sang so beautifully that the fishermen sailed into the fog
When we want to move and create something new, the sirens can hold us back. - Wine, chocolate, yoga, meditation can become a to do duty.
We can inflict guilt and shame on ourselves.
We tell ourselves that we are lazy, that we got no reaction, are paralyzed, our inner judge/our inner critic emerges
Even if you already have a good relationship, you may have a need to be filled up from the outside.
When we are stomping and we stand still and feel that we cannot bear it, it is a connection to the feminine.
Questions you can ask Can I feel my own needs? Do I have the right to have my own needs? Where do I leave myself when I do not want to be left by others? What do I sacrifice to be allowed to express my needs? Do I look away when it gets sad?
Exercise to heal the second Inner Child If you are carrying an injured or traumatized second Inner Child, it may give rise to a perception that you do not have the right to feel the need. Your Own needs do not exist because they are not justified. A good place to start is therefore to start looking at your own needs. It can start with the very small choices you make through a day. Ask the question: is this something I do because it is my need or because it covers the needs of others?