Earned secure(?), early warning signs of DA?

Would you be brave enough to ask?

trying2learn - yes, I've had much of this too. The last one blew me away, so subtly, gradually and 'nicely' that I didn't see it coming (having learnt from the full-ons, which I can now spot). Then a similar thing happened with the 180, but in a really dramatic and traumatic way (leaving me quite ill) We're (just) 'friends' now (but apparently were 'friends' then too, but 'close') after me going NC, because of his (again) subtle efforts to reconnect.
I've had the 180 with others before, which was shocking each time, left me reeling and in so much pain and I too thought I had learnt. It felt like this one got under the radar somehow.  Plus the girl before is still affected by whatever happened with them while he moves onto the next one (we're all loose friends) very subtly yet in front of us.

What I think the answer is, to go by that 'feel' thing:
- if it feels too good to be true, it probably is.
- if it starts to feel like it's making you not feel so good, something is probably up.
- if it feels quite good but not amazing, it's probably alright.

Maybe it's because i'm DA and don't have the anxious aspect , but i find it pretty easy to detect other insecure attachment types.

And, as DA i would find it hard to believe i am hard to detect even tho i am earned secure. It's got to be obvious. especially if you see my dating profile online.

i could see more confusion about FA initially, for an AP, who may sense availability because of the more engaged dating/connecting before fear /engulfment sets in? (i dont know if i said that exactly right, referring to what triggers the switch for FA, i am still trying to understand that. )

I think it can be a little hard to see the signs in the very beginning. I remember the first time my “ex” DA pulled me away. I invited him to come over and eat dinner at my place for the first time and he did not answer for three days and of course he could not come. I thought of course it was a little bit strange that he couldn’t say no earlier. Before I invited him over I remember we had a very good night together and now that I know about attachment theory I guess it was the first time he got afraid of closeness. At that time I thought he is not interested anymore, time to move on. Maybe he expected me to chase efter him but I didn’t. A week later he contacted me and I answered that he makes me confuse, he said once that he was tired of being singel and looking for love. I asked if he said that for hinting something if no what he wanted from us. He said he needed somedays to figure it out and when he answered he said he wasn’t ready for a commiting in a serious relationship but if I also wanted we could continue seeing eachother . At that time I was not looking for neither something serious or friends with benefits. I was more like what happens happens so I agreed to continue seeing him.

I think I have learned a little bit about how to recognize signs of DA.

*Taking unnecessary time to answer texts. Well I don’t feel the same anxiety like APs but I think that’s rude. You don’t have to know if you will be free next wednesday but what about saying “I don’t know yet, can I tell you later tonight/tomorrow...”

*Pulling away when things are good. Next time I am looking for a serious relationship and dating someone, if it happens that the guy pulls me away without any good explanation he does not need to come back.

* Showing with actions that he may likes me but wanting to let things casual. I don’t have time to those things if I am looking for something serious.

It's so easy to spot AP profiles on dating sites. They usually have loads of smiley emoticons and talk about "love" and "finding prince charming" and all that. Narcs must have a field day!

As an aside, I find a good question to ask during online dating is "what one thing have you learnt from your last proper relationship?". If they answer truthfully then it can tell a lot about them I think

Texting behaviour is not so cut and dry to me because every secure I know can sometimes take ages to reply to texts. Sometimes they totally forget about texts and it was nothing malicious. I say they are secures because either they've taken a test and told me about it, or their lives just scream secure, like they have been happily married for ages and have lots of close friends that they've known for ages, and even I as an AP feel totally secure with them. Is your experience different, that secures always text back promptly? The heaviest texters with the fastest response times I personally know are the most extreme APs I know.