|
|
Post by goldilocks on Aug 7, 2018 20:11:54 GMT
Thanks for sharing - I am that person - right up for intimacy but in a separate room or co habiting next door neighbours - that would be a joy. Would also love that. Neighbours; apartments in a shared house, separate bedrooms or hobby rooms.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 20:13:24 GMT
this article has prompted a comforting conversation with my two youngest kids, ages 13-15. The insight into the "other room" phenomenon made me reflect on my children's experience, with me. First, i will say that my first experience of love vulnerability that was excruciatingly poignant was when i held my first born , for the first time. This was the first time i felt raw, open, and desperately in love but without skin, or ribs to protect me from what- from loss. i knew i could never be the same again, withhout her. However, i was also brave, and i did not know what i was feeling at the time in terms of the vulnerability but i vowed to give my all even though i had a sharp pain of  that was enormous and difficult to bear at that moment or to understand. i remember thinking, so this is love! don't get me wrong, it was sweet! it was me, enamored and in full mother mode. i talked to her and made promises that i have done my best to keep and failed sometimes , as we all do as parents. but, my kids are my real reasons for fighting for my own life and heart. i promised to do my very best to love her and keep her safe. Ah, the overwhelm of a mothers love for her baby! anyway, i hadnt questioned this before, i had to look at it- do my children experience me in the same room, intentionally, engaging? i asked them when we were driving and they were like "huh?" i know i am intentional with them, do they know it? Resounding yes, they thought it was a silly question. I remember feeling the house was empty except for me and my siblings, when i was young. i didn't realize exactly how that felt to me until the article mentioned it. i remembered that feeling. I wish my mom would have been able to greet me when i came home from school and see how i was. i don't mind being independent but i would have loved a mom who would make me toast and ask me how i was. I guess, without realizing it, this is why i have been so careful to honor the transition between home and school and school and home for my kids. even when they walk in the door from being outside to play,or come back from their dad's... it's an Important Thing to Come Home. I never consciously made the connection but i am glad my mom-heart remembered my kid-heart and patched that up. i was lonely when i was a child. my kids don't feel lonely and i feel good about that. |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Aug 7, 2018 20:15:37 GMT
I actually prefer to consciously get together and also seperate into our own fresh energy cyclically. I find a partner more attractive when he has recently been away, doing his own thing and is coming back with new stories, new experiences and new ideas. Then we have something to share, something that is different from my own experience. Having my own room would be nice, but it could also be in terms of time; a certain day of the week being my alone time. Even based on activities; some hobbies and tasks can be shared, others are mine or his. I am not very rigid about how we keep freshness, as long as we do. yes! and you know, in the US separate master bedrooms was a popular thing in homes built in the 80's. Cool! If we can both sleep well in one room, that would be fine for me, but if we sleep better apart, why not?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 20:20:04 GMT
It’s really a good article. I have read it before once when I found out about attachment style and was wondering about the way avoidant show they like someone as I was “dating” a DA and it could be a little confusing sometimes. I never saw my “ex” DA as someone without empathy, he never distanced himself when we had some “argument” it was actually only efter some very good and intense moments. It took some time to find an way to make things ok. I remember asked him whitch were his boundaries and he said we could not sleep together anymore than I said I can not buy because I like the warm feelings I get by sleeping next to someone. Than I suggest but what if we sleep together one night and the other not? And he said yes. I also told him my boundaries and for me the most important thing was that he could tell me when he needed space instead for disappearing or nothing answered when I asked to meet him and he accepted this. The funny thing is that efter not so long time we put those roles he was the one who wanted to “break” his rules and wanted to sleep together, did not needed so much space anymore until unfortunately one day he pulled me away instead of communicating that he needed some space. I got sad because I thought we were getting somewhere. I did not fight because deep inside I knew he did not do that to hurt me but I felt like I had to finish the relationship because I can not really give what he needs either can him give what it’s important for me. He did tried to get together some days ago and I did my best to finish things in a friendly way because I really do not want to hurt him. It was hard to break up because I enjoyed our time together but maybe it was the best thing for both of us. I hope he is doing it well. i have enjoyed that you have balance and warmth in your posts regarding your former partner. it shows a largeness of heart and it truly is a nice thing to encounter, from someone who has experienced disappointment but does not hate or vilify the one they claimed to love. that, is love and acceptance. I'm sorry it did not culminate the way you wished. But good for you for knowing how to take care of your heart! |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Aug 7, 2018 20:30:53 GMT
First, i will say that my first experience of love vulnerability that was excruciatingly poignant was when i held my first born , for the first time. This was the first time i felt raw, open, and desperately in love but without skin, or ribs to protect me from what- from loss. i knew i could never be the same again, withhout her. However, i was also brave, and i did not know what i was feeling at the time in terms of the vulnerability but i vowed to give my all even though i had a sharp pain of that was enormous and difficult to bear at that moment or to understand. i remember thinking, so this is love! don't get me wrong, it was sweet! it was me, enamored and in full mother mode. i talked to her and made promises that i have done my best to keep and failed sometimes , as we all do as parents. but, my kids are my real reasons for fighting for my own life and heart. i promised to do my very best to love her and keep her safe. Ah, the overwhelm of a mothers love for her baby! Beautiful! Your children are loved and have awakened the love that lies sleeping in your heart. anyway, i hadnt questioned this before, i had to look at it- do my children experience me in the same room, intentionally, engaging? i asked them when we were driving and they were like "huh?" i know i am intentional with them, do they know it? Resounding yes, they thought it was a silly question. I remember feeling the house was empty except for me and my siblings, when i was young. i didn't realize exactly how that felt to me until the article mentioned it. i remembered that feeling. I wish my mom would have been able to greet me when i came home from school and see how i was. i don't mind being independent but i would have loved a mom who would make me toast and ask me how i was. I guess, without realizing it, this is why i have been so careful to honor the transition between home and school and school and home for my kids. even when they walk in the door from being outside to play,or come back from their dad's... it's an Important Thing to Come Home. I never consciously made the connection but i am glad my mom-heart remembered my kid-heart and patched that up. i was lonely when i was a child. my kids don't feel lonely and i feel good about that. Ah the topic of intentional engagement. I think honoring the presence of another and connecting with full focus is what fills our heart and then enables us to go seperate ways with a full heart; We trust that we are safe to love fully and feel how loved we are. We feel fulfilled.
This is also what I mean with coming together after being apart. We come in with new experiences and fresh vies, we touch base over a snack and ask about each other's day.
|
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Aug 7, 2018 20:38:21 GMT
It was hard to break up because I enjoyed our time together but maybe it was the best thing for both of us. I hope he is doing it well. The foundation of love is to wish one another well. If the relationship is an impediment to both of your happiness, releasing each other is an act of love. |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Aug 7, 2018 20:56:06 GMT
I can also feel quite at ease when in one room with a partner, but each of us are focussed on something else. For example, each of us reading a book en being wrapped up in it.
What I least like is when someone's energy is split between me and another task. Like a guy who is reading, but paying close attention to me every 5 minutes or watching TV while talking to me. It really tires me and puts me off.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 21:00:43 GMT
I've said for a long time that I would like a relationship with adjoining houses (some couples do live like that).
But I am not DA by any means.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 22:48:26 GMT
Thank you for your kind words  I completely understand how others have difficulty understanding dismissives. This board has illuminated me to just how deep the misunderstanding is. As a dismissive, i of course , in the past, could not get my head around others- i really have felt alien and also baffled by other people , and have had a hard time understanding why he disconnect, prior to awareness. Even still, i am reminded how my viewpoint is so vastly different from that of others, and i feel surprised sometimes about the responses from people who had not been able to see things from my vantage point, until i shared. We all come from, where we come from. It's important to develop the capacity to be able or at least willing to try to see things through another's eyes. So participating here, i focus on the similarity of insecure attachment (prior to awareness) the inability to give and receive love in a way that is nourishing to the self, and to others. This is a sad problem. The solution for each of us lies within our own hearts and minds. so i focus on that. Of course, i am interacting with other insecure people here and so i try to share person-to person about how to recognize and deliver oneself from one's own attachment wounding. I am not concerned about a partner who is not here trying to heal and do not interact much about that except to provide some insight into another perspective than the one being presented by posters here with other attachment styles. I am attempting to walk side by side with people of all styles healing attachment wounds. So i thank you for your kindness. I am sorry that your relationship did not survive. (am i correct in this understanding?) My dismissove partner and i are no longer romantically involved either, for reasons that are outside of our compatibilty- but it is sad nonetheless and requires acceptance, which i have been able to attain. I am glad that you can look at your ex partner with some understanding and compassion, this is kindness and generosity of sprit, as goldi has reminded us. And, it will assist you in your own healing, to have a warm heart to the extent that you are able to. i wish you the best in your process of healing from that and discovering your true self as well, regardless of our attachment styles that is a lifelong endeavor. 🌸 Thank you for your reply Actually we're together again (sorry, maybe it's my english as I'm not native haha). We've discussed a lot about attachment styles (I stopped talking to him in order to move on and he read a lot before getting in contact again and asking me to reunite) and about his problems, his fears, my fears, about how we felt about each other and how are we willing to open up, work on ourselves together, talk openly if we feel something is not right and overall it's being a very good and kind relationship (I haven't posted that much about this because I don't want to talk about his things in a public forum... but I can share my own things, I guess!). It just feels... right. He has opened a lot to me. I'm still a bit scared about us not working out in a future but well, it could happen with any other partner! Him being avoidant and me being secure (after working a lot after my own trauma for some time)... I think that if we keep on that good communication maybe we'll be ok for a very long time. If this does not work out, I'm proud to say this man has helped me become a better communicator and partner. I still have a long way to go but I'm much more aware today. Yes, although I have never been an avoidant per se, I've been very unavailable some years ago and I understand heartbreak very well, so I guess I 'get it' in a way. I'm trying to find 'the middle point' between meeting his needs and challenging him in a good way without judging him (as I believe all partners should do with each other, we cannot be in a relationship without growing). I guess it's about trying to see things in each other viewpoint while still thinking about our needs as individuals. He's one of the best guys I've ever met. Thank you so much and I wish you the best too, either with your ex or with somebody else. I can see you will be great for the right person. You seem to be leading a beautiful personal journey. Thanks for sharing it! this is awesome! avoidant partners can do well in a relationship with an empathetic secure. i have more to say but am on a quick break at work. 🌸 |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Aug 7, 2018 22:58:21 GMT
lilyg I think perhaps we are experiencing something similar. It's hard for an open-hearted person to understand the barriers set in place for the Avoidant. When you live a life where love flows freely, and you're willing to move through whatever emotional difficulties to meet your lover with LOVE, it is mind-baffling to try to understand the avoidant's walls. Right now, my boyfriend (who I am breaking up with) sees my perspective as unreasonable. I guess I will have to accept that. I kind of regret sharing my heart, my emotional self with him, because it's only used to weaponize the interaction. Perhaps I should have just said: I'm done. I understand and I hope that reading these kind of things posted here help you understand their walls it was hard for me because it felt counter-intuitive, but try to think that our needs may be counter-intuitive for our partners. I know it hurts a lot, it's hard if both partners are not aware of themselves and willing to work on things, of course. You have to think on your own healing and self-love. I wont say any more here, I'm not an expert at all, but if you need to talk feel free to write me! I wish you the best! |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Aug 7, 2018 23:07:02 GMT
Thank you for your reply Actually we're together again (sorry, maybe it's my english as I'm not native haha). We've discussed a lot about attachment styles (I stopped talking to him in order to move on and he read a lot before getting in contact again and asking me to reunite) and about his problems, his fears, my fears, about how we felt about each other and how are we willing to open up, work on ourselves together, talk openly if we feel something is not right and overall it's being a very good and kind relationship (I haven't posted that much about this because I don't want to talk about his things in a public forum... but I can share my own things, I guess!). It just feels... right. He has opened a lot to me. I'm still a bit scared about us not working out in a future but well, it could happen with any other partner! Him being avoidant and me being secure (after working a lot after my own trauma for some time)... I think that if we keep on that good communication maybe we'll be ok for a very long time. If this does not work out, I'm proud to say this man has helped me become a better communicator and partner. I still have a long way to go but I'm much more aware today. Yes, although I have never been an avoidant per se, I've been very unavailable some years ago and I understand heartbreak very well, so I guess I 'get it' in a way. I'm trying to find 'the middle point' between meeting his needs and challenging him in a good way without judging him (as I believe all partners should do with each other, we cannot be in a relationship without growing). I guess it's about trying to see things in each other viewpoint while still thinking about our needs as individuals. He's one of the best guys I've ever met. Thank you so much and I wish you the best too, either with your ex or with somebody else. I can see you will be great for the right person. You seem to be leading a beautiful personal journey. Thanks for sharing it! this is awesome! avoidant partners can do well in a relationship with an empathetic secure. i have more to say but am on a quick break at work. 🌸 No problem, take your time that's great, I hope we can do well for a really long time! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 0:34:06 GMT
Thank you for your kind words I completely understand how others have difficulty understanding dismissives. This board has illuminated me to just how deep the misunderstanding is. As a dismissive, i of course , in the past, could not get my head around others- i really have felt alien and also baffled by other people , and have had a hard time understanding why he disconnect, prior to awareness. Even still, i am reminded how my viewpoint is so vastly different from that of others, and i feel surprised sometimes about the responses from people who had not been able to see things from my vantage point, until i shared. We all come from, where we come from. It's important to develop the capacity to be able or at least willing to try to see things through another's eyes. So participating here, i focus on the similarity of insecure attachment (prior to awareness) the inability to give and receive love in a way that is nourishing to the self, and to others. This is a sad problem. The solution for each of us lies within our own hearts and minds. so i focus on that. Of course, i am interacting with other insecure people here and so i try to share person-to person about how to recognize and deliver oneself from one's own attachment wounding. I am not concerned about a partner who is not here trying to heal and do not interact much about that except to provide some insight into another perspective than the one being presented by posters here with other attachment styles. I am attempting to walk side by side with people of all styles healing attachment wounds. So i thank you for your kindness. I am sorry that your relationship did not survive. (am i correct in this understanding?) My dismissove partner and i are no longer romantically involved either, for reasons that are outside of our compatibilty- but it is sad nonetheless and requires acceptance, which i have been able to attain. I am glad that you can look at your ex partner with some understanding and compassion, this is kindness and generosity of sprit, as goldi has reminded us. And, it will assist you in your own healing, to have a warm heart to the extent that you are able to. i wish you the best in your process of healing from that and discovering your true self as well, regardless of our attachment styles that is a lifelong endeavor. 🌸 Thank you for your reply Actually we're together again (sorry, maybe it's my english as I'm not native haha). We've discussed a lot about attachment styles (I stopped talking to him in order to move on and he read a lot before getting in contact again and asking me to reunite) and about his problems, his fears, my fears, about how we felt about each other and how are we willing to open up, work on ourselves together, talk openly if we feel something is not right and overall it's being a very good and kind relationship (I haven't posted that much about this because I don't want to talk about his things in a public forum... but I can share my own things, I guess!). It just feels... right. He has opened a lot to me. I'm still a bit scared about us not working out in a future but well, it could happen with any other partner! Him being avoidant and me being secure (after working a lot after my own trauma for some time)... I think that if we keep on that good communication maybe we'll be ok for a very long time. If this does not work out, I'm proud to say this man has helped me become a better communicator and partner. I still have a long way to go but I'm much more aware today. Yes, although I have never been an avoidant per se, I've been very unavailable some years ago and I understand heartbreak very well, so I guess I 'get it' in a way. I'm trying to find 'the middle point' between meeting his needs and challenging him in a good way without judging him (as I believe all partners should do with each other, we cannot be in a relationship without growing). I guess it's about trying to see things in each other viewpoint while still thinking about our needs as individuals. He's one of the best guys I've ever met. Thank you so much and I wish you the best too, either with your ex or with somebody else. I can see you will be great for the right person. You seem to be leading a beautiful personal journey. Thanks for sharing it! a lot of what you wrote resonates with me. i think it's really special that your partner had begun to become aware and re-approached you with emotional vulnerability. It sounds as though you are truly building emotional intimacy. this has been a very rewarding and emotionally MOVING experience for me and my previous partner. And, i respect and appreciate your statement that you have become a better partner through partnering with him! I just recently had a conversation with my previous partner, and told him that i have become a better person through loving him enough to find out how i could love him WELL. That will never change , it is a permanent part of me, that blossomed , in reality, because he allowed me to blossom with him. He could have cut me off. he could have run away, he could have shut me down, but he honored my authenticity by embracing it as i found it and revealed it to him. I also told him, part of my deep respect for him lies in who i am able to be, with him. He has welcomed me, and grown with me. He inspires me to be the best version of myself. I truly wish you peace as you navigate this with him, i understand the fear, and as always , encourage you to open to any further healing you need inside in order to identify and release anything that impinges you in your own journey toward enduring love! 🌸 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 1:41:27 GMT
First, i will say that my first experience of love vulnerability that was excruciatingly poignant was when i held my first born , for the first time. This was the first time i felt raw, open, and desperately in love but without skin, or ribs to protect me from what- from loss. i knew i could never be the same again, withhout her. However, i was also brave, and i did not know what i was feeling at the time in terms of the vulnerability but i vowed to give my all even though i had a sharp pain of that was enormous and difficult to bear at that moment or to understand. i remember thinking, so this is love! don't get me wrong, it was sweet! it was me, enamored and in full mother mode. i talked to her and made promises that i have done my best to keep and failed sometimes , as we all do as parents. but, my kids are my real reasons for fighting for my own life and heart. i promised to do my very best to love her and keep her safe. Ah, the overwhelm of a mothers love for her baby! Beautiful! Your children are loved and have awakened the love that lies sleeping in your heart. anyway, i hadnt questioned this before, i had to look at it- do my children experience me in the same room, intentionally, engaging? i asked them when we were driving and they were like "huh?" i know i am intentional with them, do they know it? Resounding yes, they thought it was a silly question. I remember feeling the house was empty except for me and my siblings, when i was young. i didn't realize exactly how that felt to me until the article mentioned it. i remembered that feeling. I wish my mom would have been able to greet me when i came home from school and see how i was. i don't mind being independent but i would have loved a mom who would make me toast and ask me how i was. I guess, without realizing it, this is why i have been so careful to honor the transition between home and school and school and home for my kids. even when they walk in the door from being outside to play,or come back from their dad's... it's an Important Thing to Come Home. I never consciously made the connection but i am glad my mom-heart remembered my kid-heart and patched that up. i was lonely when i was a child. my kids don't feel lonely and i feel good about that. Ah the topic of intentional engagement. I think honoring the presence of another and connecting with full focus is what fills our heart and then enables us to go seperate ways with a full heart; We trust that we are safe to love fully and feel how loved we are. We feel fulfilled.
This is also what I mean with coming together after being apart. We come in with new experiences and fresh vies, we touch base over a snack and ask about each other's day.
i love how you express it all. |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Aug 8, 2018 7:53:59 GMT
Thank you for your reply Actually we're together again (sorry, maybe it's my english as I'm not native haha). We've discussed a lot about attachment styles (I stopped talking to him in order to move on and he read a lot before getting in contact again and asking me to reunite) and about his problems, his fears, my fears, about how we felt about each other and how are we willing to open up, work on ourselves together, talk openly if we feel something is not right and overall it's being a very good and kind relationship (I haven't posted that much about this because I don't want to talk about his things in a public forum... but I can share my own things, I guess!). It just feels... right. He has opened a lot to me. I'm still a bit scared about us not working out in a future but well, it could happen with any other partner! Him being avoidant and me being secure (after working a lot after my own trauma for some time)... I think that if we keep on that good communication maybe we'll be ok for a very long time. If this does not work out, I'm proud to say this man has helped me become a better communicator and partner. I still have a long way to go but I'm much more aware today. Yes, although I have never been an avoidant per se, I've been very unavailable some years ago and I understand heartbreak very well, so I guess I 'get it' in a way. I'm trying to find 'the middle point' between meeting his needs and challenging him in a good way without judging him (as I believe all partners should do with each other, we cannot be in a relationship without growing). I guess it's about trying to see things in each other viewpoint while still thinking about our needs as individuals. He's one of the best guys I've ever met. Thank you so much and I wish you the best too, either with your ex or with somebody else. I can see you will be great for the right person. You seem to be leading a beautiful personal journey. Thanks for sharing it! a lot of what you wrote resonates with me. i think it's really special that your partner had begun to become aware and re-approached you with emotional vulnerability. It sounds as though you are truly building emotional intimacy. this has been a very rewarding and emotionally MOVING experience for me and my previous partner. And, i respect and appreciate your statement that you have become a better partner through partnering with him! I just recently had a conversation with my previous partner, and told him that i have become a better person through loving him enough to find out how i could love him WELL. That will never change , it is a permanent part of me, that blossomed , in reality, because he allowed me to blossom with him. He could have cut me off. he could have run away, he could have shut me down, but he honored my authenticity by embracing it as i found it and revealed it to him. I also told him, part of my deep respect for him lies in who i am able to be, with him. He has welcomed me, and grown with me. He inspires me to be the best version of myself. I truly wish you peace as you navigate this with him, i understand the fear, and as always , encourage you to open to any further healing you need inside in order to identify and release anything that impinges you in your own journey toward enduring love! 🌸 Thank you, I guess we understand this feeling then He has teached me so much about myself. That's why I'm still here, I'm trying to open up and be strong. This is amazing as I'm also helping two close friends with what I'm learning here, and it's a very interesting process to share. I wish everything goes well for you too! |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 8, 2018 16:51:11 GMT
"Often Avoidants don’t recognize they need their partners until the partner actually leaves, through divorce, death, separation, illness, or something else. Then, when they realize nobody is in the house, that’s when the crisis hits. It’s then that a very deep depression can happen, because they actually want connection like anybody else. It’s their adaptation, which seems like they don’t want connection. "
This resonated quite a bit with me!
|
|
