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Post by ocarina on Aug 7, 2018 17:23:34 GMT
I am posting here as I am no longer quite sure where I fit in the attachment scheme - FA when majorly triggered but somewhere amongst the Ds when I am single or in a secure relationship.
I found these boards some while ago after a lengthy relationship with someone even more avoidant than me - which brought in it's painful wake, a great deal of self realisation and healing and was actually a real blessing.
I ended the relationship because I had grown to believe that relationships could bring real intimacy and freedom at the same time - whilst he believed his long term fear of commitment was founded and I found myself walking on eggshells to appease and feeling increasingly unhappy - never a good look.
Any way fast forward 18 months and after really really experiencing and being brave with the pain - for the first time ever, I now feel good - am forging new connections, living authentically, living with passion - happily single. We see each other in passing as we have the same hobbies and live close by and whilst this wasn't easy for me for a while, now it's really ok and I feel a real sense of peace.
Both being avoidant there wasn't much contact post breakup - I didn't ask to break up but told him that the relationship wasn't working for me and that I needed his help - he disappeared and basically I left it there and limped forward - well limped then jogged and now skipping!
He has been in touch today - and been maybe for the first time ever, completely open with me - said he'd been living in denial, that he really missed me.
I don't want to go through the dance we endured for so long again. I don't want to sign up for more pain and hurt - even though I don't blame him for the pain since I chose to stay. There's nothing in his communication that warrants a reply and I think the fact that I don't feel the need to give one is a sign of my healing. I can't really imagine ever being with anyone else - but am also quite happy not being with him either. The thing I see in his communication is that it's really all about him - he's missing me, he feels lonely, he was in denial. Not sure if I am doing too much interpretation here, but I find myself thinking that yes he probably does - I am an OK person - and I did my best - but it didn't work for me and all his missing and feeling lonely isn't going to make a difference to the dynamic in the long term. It's the stuff fairy tales are made of but sadly call me a cynical unromantic, I don't seem to believe them any more.
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Post by rubyred on Aug 7, 2018 21:08:39 GMT
It sounds as though you've done your own work to be and accept you are. You are at peace with your life and with being without him. I strive to also be in this place! I want to get to the part where I feel relief about not being entangled in the push/pull dance. I've been discouraged, pushed away, and always feeling like I was on the outside looking in. That's no way to live a life. Better to be free, single and owning your own shit -- and knowing the difference between theirs and yours.
Congrats to you and your 18 months of pain and recovery. Sounds like you are doing good!
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 7, 2018 21:58:41 GMT
Any way fast forward 18 months and after really really experiencing and being brave with the pain - for the first time ever, I now feel good - am forging new connections, living authentically, living with passion - happily single. We see each other in passing as we have the same hobbies and live close by and whilst this wasn't easy for me for a while, now it's really ok and I feel a real sense of peace. Both being avoidant there wasn't much contact post breakup - I didn't ask to break up but told him that the relationship wasn't working for me and that I needed his help - he disappeared and basically I left it there and limped forward - well limped then jogged and now skipping! He has been in touch today - and been maybe for the first time ever, completely open with me - said he'd been living in denial, that he really missed me. I don't want to go through the dance we endured for so long again. I don't want to sign up for more pain and hurt - even though I don't blame him for the pain since I chose to stay. There's nothing in his communication that warrants a reply and I think the fact that I don't feel the need to give one is a sign of my healing. I can't really imagine ever being with anyone else - but am also quite happy not being with him either. The thing I see in his communication is that it's really all about him - he's missing me, he feels lonely, he was in denial. Not sure if I am doing too much interpretation here, but I find myself thinking that yes he probably does - I am an OK person - and I did my best - but it didn't work for me and all his missing and feeling lonely isn't going to make a difference to the dynamic in the long term. It's the stuff fairy tales are made of but sadly call me a cynical unromantic, I don't seem to believe them any more.
It sounds like you have been thriving and becoming more happy and he now wants to share in your joy. To what extent has he worked on himself in this time? Is he able to offer the help required to make the relationship work?
If you would date him only if nothing better came along, it would be a scarcity mentality. If all he is bringing to the table is his needs and loneliness, that is not enough to base a relationship on. It would be more attractive if he was looking to express kindness and love, sharing joy with you, helping you out.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 0:44:06 GMT
I am posting here as I am no longer quite sure where I fit in the attachment scheme - FA when majorly triggered but somewhere amongst the Ds when I am single or in a secure relationship. I found these boards some while ago after a lengthy relationship with someone even more avoidant than me - which brought in it's painful wake, a great deal of self realisation and healing and was actually a real blessing. I ended the relationship because I had grown to believe that relationships could bring real intimacy and freedom at the same time - whilst he believed his long term fear of commitment was founded and I found myself walking on eggshells to appease and feeling increasingly unhappy - never a good look. Any way fast forward 18 months and after really really experiencing and being brave with the pain - for the first time ever, I now feel good - am forging new connections, living authentically, living with passion - happily single. We see each other in passing as we have the same hobbies and live close by and whilst this wasn't easy for me for a while, now it's really ok and I feel a real sense of peace. Both being avoidant there wasn't much contact post breakup - I didn't ask to break up but told him that the relationship wasn't working for me and that I needed his help - he disappeared and basically I left it there and limped forward - well limped then jogged and now skipping! He has been in touch today - and been maybe for the first time ever, completely open with me - said he'd been living in denial, that he really missed me. I don't want to go through the dance we endured for so long again. I don't want to sign up for more pain and hurt - even though I don't blame him for the pain since I chose to stay. There's nothing in his communication that warrants a reply and I think the fact that I don't feel the need to give one is a sign of my healing. I can't really imagine ever being with anyone else - but am also quite happy not being with him either. The thing I see in his communication is that it's really all about him - he's missing me, he feels lonely, he was in denial. Not sure if I am doing too much interpretation here, but I find myself thinking that yes he probably does - I am an OK person - and I did my best - but it didn't work for me and all his missing and feeling lonely isn't going to make a difference to the dynamic in the long term. It's the stuff fairy tales are made of but sadly call me a cynical unromantic, I don't seem to believe them any more. you sound wise, and strong. if there is nothing in his expression that inspires you, it's good that you recognize that! great insight! If it becomes worth a second look, you'll know. until then, nothing changes, onward. I believe the most important thing is to remain very aware and accepting of ANYTHING it brings up for you, take care of all of that in yourself gently and with courage. Maybe it will bring disappointment, trigger past pain, trigger hope that is unsupported by what you witness in reality. Whatever it brings up, be present to that. The process is not over, he is here to show you more about yourself, only you can discover what that is. It may be frustrating, or very encouraging, what you encounter in yourself when a past lover comes back around. The journey is the destination. hugs! |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 8, 2018 5:35:46 GMT
You have both hit the nail on the head - it does feel as though he wants to parastitise my healing. I always felt a pressure to make him feel good in our relationship - it was a pressure that was totally unrealistic, as though I must always be on form and he never wanted to support the less than moments. It's reflective of my mother's behaviour - who loves to hear of success and feel pride in our association but totaally distances herself from lifes inevitable struggle.
There is nothing to inspire me at the moment - as far as I know this is a pure expression of his own unhappiness, I don't think he has done any work on himself - he drinks to an extent that I feel uncomfortable with, apparently as a way of not feeling and as far as I am aware this has continued certainly until recently. Healing does not happen over night, without effort or at the hands of another person. There is something flattering about feeling i was the source of his previous growth - he and others would often say that he had changed so much for the better when we were together, but underneath that statement there's a pressure to be some kind of guru, or that perfect loving partner that didn't allow my humanity space to grow.
Becoming whole in order to share your wholeness with another and allow the same in them, seems to be the key to balanced relationships.
I do really wish him very well and I am sure that recognising he's denying feelings in all parts of life is I am sure the beginning of his own journey but I don't feel inspired to reconnect with anything other than friendship. I will continue to monitor everything that this brings up and to connect with my close friends and family, to practice the vulnerability that I am gradually learning. I certainly don't feel the scarcity mindset driving me in any way - infact I never feel this, maybe this is the avoidant in me, but better no relationship than a bad one.
Thank you my dear friends - being vulnerable on here and being supported has been a big part of the journey for me so far.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 8, 2018 5:42:58 GMT
In terms of his own work - during our last conversation pre break up we discussed healing and the possibility of some kind of therapy - I have been seeing a counsellor for some time, he told me he couldn't see that it would make any difference to him - as though he was just fine and the pressure to grow was purely on me. That was the final straw from my side revealing a lack of responsibility for his own part in our relationship.
It very much takes two aware beings to have a chance of navigating relationships tricky roads and a desire to do so. He has a history of multiple short term alliances without commitment on his part for anything but seeking pleasure from his partners and discarding them (usually by emotionally and physically checking out) when the going gets tough. When we separated he told me he thought long term relationships were dull and too much like hard work - but the emphasis was on the fact that his partner had the responsibility for making him feel good and his own part in the creation of the dynamic was null and void.
Anyway - back to my own corner now - this is a ripple on the surface.
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 8, 2018 6:47:48 GMT
I need to go to work,but sending you some love and support! You are doing very well! Awesome :-)
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Post by ocarina on Aug 8, 2018 18:53:33 GMT
I need to go to work,but sending you some love and support! You are doing very well! Awesome :-) Thanks Goldilocks - he has now asked if we could meet - I have sat with the thought for a while and decided that whilst my usual modus operandi is to avoid - I am trying to do things differently, to find my brave voice and be honest an authentic and for this reason I have agreed. I have no desire for all that hurt me before - and I genuinely don't have a glimmer of hope pulling me in, since I am well aware that this kind of healing work takes time and great effort. I do think he deserves to be heard with an open an honest heart and I will endeavour to do this as well as being open myself. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 9, 2018 19:29:02 GMT
I am posting here as I am no longer quite sure where I fit in the attachment scheme - FA when majorly triggered but somewhere amongst the Ds when I am single or in a secure relationship. I found these boards some while ago after a lengthy relationship with someone even more avoidant than me - which brought in it's painful wake, a great deal of self realisation and healing and was actually a real blessing. I ended the relationship because I had grown to believe that relationships could bring real intimacy and freedom at the same time - whilst he believed his long term fear of commitment was founded and I found myself walking on eggshells to appease and feeling increasingly unhappy - never a good look. Any way fast forward 18 months and after really really experiencing and being brave with the pain - for the first time ever, I now feel good - am forging new connections, living authentically, living with passion - happily single. We see each other in passing as we have the same hobbies and live close by and whilst this wasn't easy for me for a while, now it's really ok and I feel a real sense of peace. Both being avoidant there wasn't much contact post breakup - I didn't ask to break up but told him that the relationship wasn't working for me and that I needed his help - he disappeared and basically I left it there and limped forward - well limped then jogged and now skipping! He has been in touch today - and been maybe for the first time ever, completely open with me - said he'd been living in denial, that he really missed me. I don't want to go through the dance we endured for so long again. I don't want to sign up for more pain and hurt - even though I don't blame him for the pain since I chose to stay. There's nothing in his communication that warrants a reply and I think the fact that I don't feel the need to give one is a sign of my healing. I can't really imagine ever being with anyone else - but am also quite happy not being with him either. The thing I see in his communication is that it's really all about him - he's missing me, he feels lonely, he was in denial. Not sure if I am doing too much interpretation here, but I find myself thinking that yes he probably does - I am an OK person - and I did my best - but it didn't work for me and all his missing and feeling lonely isn't going to make a difference to the dynamic in the long term. It's the stuff fairy tales are made of but sadly call me a cynical unromantic, I don't seem to believe them any more. you sound wise, and strong. if there is nothing in his expression that inspires you, it's good that you recognize that! great insight! If it becomes worth a second look, you'll know. until then, nothing changes, onward. I believe the most important thing is to remain very aware and accepting of ANYTHING it brings up for you, take care of all of that in yourself gently and with courage. Maybe it will bring disappointment, trigger past pain, trigger hope that is unsupported by what you witness in reality. Whatever it brings up, be present to that. The process is not over, he is here to show you more about yourself, only you can discover what that is. It may be frustrating, or very encouraging, what you encounter in yourself when a past lover comes back around. The journey is the destination. hugs! This is really helpful at the moment - because I am noticing that I am finding it difficult to be present with what is - something that before our recent communication I had become very adept at. I have noticed an increased need to distract, to keep busy, to not quite be there. Maybe it's the uncertainty or the stirrings of old hurts I am unwilling to face. At the moment I am noticing the distraction and trying not to engage with it. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 19:35:51 GMT
you sound wise, and strong. if there is nothing in his expression that inspires you, it's good that you recognize that! great insight! If it becomes worth a second look, you'll know. until then, nothing changes, onward. I believe the most important thing is to remain very aware and accepting of ANYTHING it brings up for you, take care of all of that in yourself gently and with courage. Maybe it will bring disappointment, trigger past pain, trigger hope that is unsupported by what you witness in reality. Whatever it brings up, be present to that. The process is not over, he is here to show you more about yourself, only you can discover what that is. It may be frustrating, or very encouraging, what you encounter in yourself when a past lover comes back around. The journey is the destination. hugs! This is really helpful at the moment - because I am noticing that I am finding it difficult to be present with what is - something that before our recent communication I had become very adept at. I have noticed an increased need to distract, to keep busy, to not quite be there. Maybe it's the uncertainty or the stirrings of old hurts I am unwilling to face. At the moment I am noticing the distraction and trying not to engage with it. i know this well. so, you know what to do. that vague feeling chasing away your attention... turn around and welcome it "hello my friend. we have met before. tell me, what is troubling you? I'm listening, i haven't been so good at that but i am ready now. " sure as shit you will get a clear answer, and you will know what to do. don't fear it, it's just you. just feelings you need to know about and help out. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 20:08:19 GMT
oh and also ocarina - you are going to be just fine, more will be revealed and this process takes you to truth. try to find joy in your moment also, dance to a song that moves you, feel feel feel, celebrate your life and let the things you are running from find you ♥️ |
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 9, 2018 23:38:29 GMT
I hope your meeting goes well (in whatever that means to you). I'd love to hear how it goes if you decide you want to share.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 9, 2018 23:53:53 GMT
Sounds to me like you should listen to your gut -- which is saying you've seen no proof of change yet and are doubtful of what he has to offer you. I think your instinct to avoid and self-preserve was from a healthy place, but meeting up to hear him out and get more information is the fairest way to check yourself. It's also nice of you, so I'm sure you care about him.
Good luck, and don't let him convince you superficial changes are deeper than they are! Hopefully he's grown significantly since you last spoke, but I think your gut will guide you well about what's next.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 10, 2018 6:32:23 GMT
Thank you all.
Juniper of course you're right and I needed a reminder - some meditation yesterday evening served me very well and it was a joy to be able to open to myself and just allow with kindness. It made the restlessness have a purpose if you see what I mean! Funny - but I tried very hard to find a message in the feelings - but trying very hard and meditation don't go together do they so instead will just continue to trust the process.
I think I have put this relationship and all its complexity in a box - and that after considerable hurt and mourning, this was a wise thing to do. However things in boxes have a way of leaping out and this is all for the good. I have no evidence of anything at the moment - what I think it disturbing me is not anything to do we what he is or has been up to, but rather the discomfort of the conscious decision on my side to actually approach rather than avoid the situation.
In relationships whilst we did experience real intimacy and sharing in many ways, we are both avoidant when it comes to discussing relational issues - ie the difficult bits, the conflict the needs etc. I believe that there were elephants in the room on both sides and this is a chance for me to speak and listen honestly without trying to manipulate the outcome in any way. That is challenging and if I am honest frightening - not because I have any attachment to the outcome as far as I am aware, but because it is something I have never done - being an expert at being passive and keeping the peace. It's just occurred to me that actually it might be quite fun to come from a place of openness and authenticity and without expectation. I think this turn of events has come at the right time in my journey - I want to make sure I am up to the challenge!
I am more than happy to share Compassionateavoid - it helps me to put things in words.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2018 6:41:54 GMT
Thank you all. Juniper of course you're right and I needed a reminder - some meditation yesterday evening served me very well and it was a joy to be able to open to myself and just allow with kindness. It made the restlessness have a purpose if you see what I mean! Funny - but I tried very hard to find a message in the feelings - but trying very hard and meditation don't go together do they so instead will just continue to trust the process. I think I have put this relationship and all its complexity in a box - and that after considerable hurt and mourning, this was a wise thing to do. However things in boxes have a way of leaping out and this is all for the good. I have no evidence of anything at the moment - what I think it disturbing me is not anything to do we what he is or has been up to, but rather the discomfort of the conscious decision on my side to actually approach rather than avoid the situation. In relationships whilst we did experience real intimacy and sharing in many ways, we are both avoidant when it comes to discussing relational issues - ie the difficult bits, the conflict the needs etc. I believe that there were elephants in the room on both sides and this is a chance for me to speak and listen honestly without trying to manipulate the outcome in any way. That is challenging and if I am honest frightening - not because I have any attachment to the outcome as far as I am aware, but because it is something I have never done - being an expert at being passive and keeping the peace. It's just occurred to me that actually it might be quite fun to come from a place of openness and authenticity and without expectation. I think this turn of events has come at the right time in my journey - I want to make sure I am up to the challenge! I am more than happy to share Compassionateavoid - it helps me to put things in words. i get it!  blurt it out. when i started being authentic with my avoidant partner i felt very awkward and like a PEZ dispenser of my Inner Truth. it was so liberating and refreshing! Scary, yes, my palms would sweat. But i just made a promise to myself to BE TRUE TO MYSELF. and, that made me TRUE TO HIM. its not about an outcome. its about honoring both people, with your authencity! the real you! of course there are elephants in the living room when two people don't know how to allow themselves to be seen. Once you start being authentic and honoring yourself and the other it will become your New Beautiful Normal and the old way will be weird. |
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