|
|
Post by ocarina on Aug 14, 2018 22:31:05 GMT
I am noticing in myself that I don't know what to do with this! It doesn't frighten me as such - but I just don't know how to react - except by trying again and again to be open to whatever comes and allow the feelings to sit without labels or expectations - and reciprocating with as much loving open heartedness as I am able. This is what I try to do with the guy I like now :-) Just be in the moment, feel as I feel. Allow contact to flow as it will. That sounds very zen Goldilocks - and is where I am trying to be also. I am navigating being open to giving and receiving love - and the receiving is definitely more of a challenge - but one I am enjoying! Enjoy your time too Goldilocks. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 22:48:08 GMT
The funny thing now (and I literally mean funny - it's making me smile) is that I am getting contact from him every day - the kind of sweet loving messages you'd expect in - well, in a normal relationship! This is a first - he never ever ever did this in our past relationship, even in the early days he was super detached and we had many days between contacts. I am noticing in myself that I don't know what to do with this! It doesn't frighten me as such - but I just don't know how to react - except by trying again and again to be open to whatever comes and allow the feelings to sit without labels or expectations - and reciprocating with as much loving open heartedness as I am able. haha, just relax. tomorrow, you may die. today, just enjoy him. in my situation, we are in contact every day also, and it's a comfort. our lives and our loves both come to us only one day at a time. |
|
maryt
New Member
Posts: 24 
|
Post by maryt on Aug 18, 2018 2:56:18 GMT
The funny thing now (and I literally mean funny - it's making me smile) is that I am getting contact from him every day - the kind of sweet loving messages you'd expect in - well, in a normal relationship! This is a first - he never ever ever did this in our past relationship, even in the early days he was super detached and we had many days between contacts. I am noticing in myself that I don't know what to do with this! It doesn't frighten me as such - but I just don't know how to react - except by trying again and again to be open to whatever comes and allow the feelings to sit without labels or expectations - and reciprocating with as much loving open heartedness as I am able. haha, just relax. tomorrow, you may die. today, just enjoy him. in my situation, we are in contact every day also, and it's a comfort. our lives and our loves both come to us only one day at a time. That last sentence is amazing! Thank you to all of you on this thread. It’s exactly what I needed tonight. I haven’t been on this site in a while because things have been going pretty well with my DA boyfriend. But he seems to be distancing quite a bit the past week or so. I know he needs this space sometimes and have gotten pretty good at leaving him be when he does — he always come back just as kind and loving. But old habits die hard and at times it still ends up with me getting in my head too much (I of course tend to swing AP but have been doing my own work on getting closer to secure). For me lately it’s getting caught up in looking more for the verbal commitment or wanting to know specifics about the future when I know it’s difficult or even impossible for him to verbalize it. Getting caught up in that, instead of just enjoying what we have right now. That’s why your last sentence really spoke to me and is a perfect, timely reminder. Good stuff. 😊 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2018 3:09:25 GMT
haha, just relax. tomorrow, you may die. today, just enjoy him. in my situation, we are in contact every day also, and it's a comfort. our lives and our loves both come to us only one day at a time. That last sentence is amazing! Thank you to all of you on this thread. It’s exactly what I needed tonight. I haven’t been on this site in a while because things have been going pretty well with my DA boyfriend. But he seems to be distancing quite a bit the past week or so. I know he needs this space sometimes and have gotten pretty good at leaving him be when he does — he always come back just as kind and loving. But old habits die hard and at times it still ends up with me getting in my head too much (I of course tend to swing AP but have been doing my own work on getting closer to secure). For me lately it’s getting caught up in looking more for the verbal commitment or wanting to know specifics about the future when I know it’s difficult or even impossible for him to verbalize it. Getting caught up in that, instead of just enjoying what we have right now. That’s why your last sentence really spoke to me and is a perfect, timely reminder. Good stuff. 😊 this blessed me a lot. thank you. no, he must hold on to now. it's the only safe place. maybe he knows it. maybe he doesn't know it. but it's truly the only safe place and if you can inhabit it fully without fear much good can come. sometimes a failure to plan is an opportunity to unfold, organically. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2018 3:10:42 GMT
That last sentence is amazing! Thank you to all of you on this thread. It’s exactly what I needed tonight. I haven’t been on this site in a while because things have been going pretty well with my DA boyfriend. But he seems to be distancing quite a bit the past week or so. I know he needs this space sometimes and have gotten pretty good at leaving him be when he does — he always come back just as kind and loving. But old habits die hard and at times it still ends up with me getting in my head too much (I of course tend to swing AP but have been doing my own work on getting closer to secure). For me lately it’s getting caught up in looking more for the verbal commitment or wanting to know specifics about the future when I know it’s difficult or even impossible for him to verbalize it. Getting caught up in that, instead of just enjoying what we have right now. That’s why your last sentence really spoke to me and is a perfect, timely reminder. Good stuff. 😊 this blessed me a lot. thank you. no, he must hold on to now. it's the only safe place. maybe he knows it. maybe he doesn't know it. but it's truly the only safe place and if you can inhabit it fully without fear much good can come. sometimes a failure to plan is an opportunity to unfold, organically. most of us need that, the most. |
|
maryt
New Member
Posts: 24
|
Post by maryt on Aug 18, 2018 3:14:23 GMT
That is exactly it and very eloquently described tnr9. Commitment remains important but rather than being this goal to aim for, it's an ongoing process to commit to the relationship and each others well being. The cool thing isCommitment remains important but rather than being this goal to aim for, it's an ongoing process to commit to the relationship and each others well being. that I can now recognise how this dedication of presence and compassion actually releases the potential to lead into true, happy and lasting connection. Whilst the full on romantic love with its expectation and vows, unless it's partnered with this loving presence, actually sets one up to fail spectacularly when the partner by default, doesn't meet the set criteria. The Disneyesque story we're all sold on is a dangerous one and gets in the way of actually developing real open and spacious love IMO. very well said! “Commitment remains important but rather than being this goal to aim for, it's an ongoing process to commit to the relationship and each others well being.” Thank you for this! Lately, I’ve been so focused on wanting to hear specific words about commitment knowing it’s still the most difficult thing for my DA boyfriend. I realize this evening it’s probably more about me falling into my old AP patterns. We’ve done so well just being committed to learning and growing and loving together (4 yrs of working thru the the DA/AP dance) but sometimes I still get stuck in my head too much, esp when he’s needing a little space to take care of himself. This thread has been full of wonderful insight from everyone and has helped tremendously tonight. Wishing everyone the very best as we all continue on our journeys. Thank you for sharing! ❤️ |
|
maryt
New Member
Posts: 24
|
Post by maryt on Aug 18, 2018 3:24:41 GMT
this blessed me a lot. thank you. no, he must hold on to now. it's the only safe place. maybe he knows it. maybe he doesn't know it. but it's truly the only safe place and if you can inhabit it fully without fear much good can come. sometimes a failure to plan is an opportunity to unfold, organically. most of us need that, the most. Your insight and reminder is invaluable. He does best with the now....I know so and so does he. Can’t tell you how many times over the past 4+ years he’s said the exact words about letting things unfold organically. At times my AP ways still gets the best of me. So glad you’re willing to share. TY |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2018 3:54:27 GMT
maryt, i think it's really helpful to remember that we avoidants are also trying to do our best, to find out how to be here, now, and we have to take that as it comes. if we are trying to connect and maintain a stable connection, we are going against some pretty deep conditioning. in order to keep going i myself have to chunk it small and focus on what's good, and real, right now. many of us anticipate loss- and planning hard for a future in something we are afraid of can seem like consenting to the inevitable- loss. it may not make sense to a lot of people, but my near and dear dismissives understand this completely. we share this painful perspective. as soon as i fully experience deep connection and resultant joy with my SO, a reflexive fear of loss comes in equal proportion. not all the time- but when it does, it's very sad. it's best if i can just stay present so i don't sabotage it and try to insulate myself from all the powerful feelings. i had a conversation today with a felllow dismissive who said that she sometimes settles for something less than what she wants just because it won't hurt so bad if she loses it. this is exactly what i have done my entire life. insulated myself from disappointment, pain. changing that, allowing myself to desire intimacy and relationship, actually stepping into them with my whole self, has been sweet, raw, frightening, and rewarding. still i fear loss. but i just keep going. it takes a lot of courage but it's worth it to me. i can only do it a day at a time.
|
|
maryt
New Member
Posts: 24
|
Post by maryt on Aug 18, 2018 5:51:05 GMT
I understand juniper. I believe the same is very true for him. It’s usually after we’ve had an especially intimate time together and our connection is even stronger that he needs to distance for a bit. It’s taken time and much frustration but I’ve learned to understand and accept this. I realize that the same way those times make me want to get even closer, he needs a breather. Over time I’ve also learned that as an AP, the anxiety and fear I’ll feel when he distances is probably very similar to the anxiety/fear he begins to feel when we get close. I constantly need to remind myself of this. That knowledge allows me to back off without setting off my AP triggers....most of the time. 😉 Ive only learned about all of this the past couple years so the first couple of this relationship had some very trying times, including him getting overwhelmed and ghosting for five months a year into it. It’s taken a lot of patience, understanding, forgiveness and learning to be very mindful, but the growth on both our parts so far has been worth it. I’ve only recently started to share info on attachment theory with him and he’s open to learning. He’s shared that I’m the first person in his life who hasn’t given up on him. I guess I knew I brought my own baggage with me so how could I fault him for having some of his own? The same way he has to allow himself to enjoy intimacy and relationship, I’ve had to learn to relax and enjoy what we have today without worrying about what tomorrow brings or to be triggered by any slight change in his behavior. The insights you and other dismissives share have been a vital part of my learning, so I’m always very grateful. |
|
