Best way to respond to a FA's lack of contact?

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I understand, Mr Biscuit. I used to really like this guy because when I was a little girl he was super caring, nice and sweet to me. We all carry dark traits but oh my. I guess that's what an extreme BPD person does. It's black/white thinking.


We all have anxious and avoidant traits in ourselves, as much as narcisism, low self-esteem, fears etc. We all have the capacity of acting/thinking in many ways. The thing is, if you have been acting in a way that's affecting your overall life in a long-term span, you may have a real problem (a disorder).


We often tend to adopt a different role that complements the one we're with. If acting avoidant has never been a problem for you, and you now feel out of control with this one girl, you may have fallen for an abuser. I think everyone, at some low point in their lives, can fall for one (much more if you have something to resolve from your mother's relationship with you). And it is really hard to break away from them. I recommend you to read 'Why does he do that'. It's focused on woman being abused but Lundy (the writer) says sexes can be 'changed'. Maybe it helps you to understand. It helped me a lot. I'm very healed from that  




Hahaha go to beautiful Scotland! It must be amazing. My guy's from UK and I'd love to do an England/Scotland/Ireland vacation soon
with him  

Thank you both! This is helpful and doing no chasing while enjoying one's life feels like the best way to prevent worrying too much about the FA and if they'll reappear as well. By "waiting" I just meant not contacting them, not sitting around checking my phone obsessing over if they'll text.

I think to catch a stray cat you give it treats. Those videos sound like a giant trap and any cat, regardless of attachment style, would be wise to avoid it. 



Oh and to anyone here apologizing about derailing the thread, I don't mind one bit. Someone close to me has BPD and it's a good conversation.

it may not matter to you.
it matters to some.
the reason, is that cluster b can manifest as end of spectrum attachment , and the AP/DA dynamic can still impact ones own attachment style.

I have made it clear in my posting that my mother was not simply AP and i will continue to correlate her anxious style with a dynamic in my life as a dismissive.
So, i'm all for people making that distinction, and still taking into account attachment style.
I am not for calling a narc a DA or a BPD, an AP.
Clarity is important, if it is known.
So; i will continue to make distinctions as it fits into my point.
It can matter a lot to understand- what happened.
Cluster Bs like Jeb said in his article , are like end -of-spectrum attachment styles. Yes there is a difference, as i have said over and over again.

There is a particular poster here that has explored the possibility that her ex that she is still involved with, is a narcissist or some other pathology. Every time she posts, (which is just occasionally ) it seems, someone suggests that this is outside of typical range of attachment style behaviors. She admits it, says he seems like a narc. Yet every time she posts here for insight into his behavior, she refers to him as either FA or DA, or posts in those forums, no mention of any pathology.
That's the kind of posting that is misleading, and not clear.
She can post what she wants, but she seems to know very well she is asking about a narc when she posts in the avoidant section. She says she does it because this is a forum on attachment style not personality disorder. Still, she could make a distinction and doesn't. That's stuff that is confusing. Directly saying there is a comorbid condition, isn't confusing. There's a comoebid condition in addition to an attachment style. It's not hard.

I haven't conflated the two. Others do, knowingly, Others do, unknowingly. but if a distinction is known and made clear, it can be relevant.

Anyway; we can agree to disagree. My mother's anxious attachment style did play into her dynamic with me, and the different attachment styles between her and i were relevant. She impacted me in a way that would be different from a dismissive narc. Her pathology made the dynamic way beyond typical. But it still was a dynamic.

The reason i brought it up in this thread was to make a distinction between "typical" and a cluster B- because behaviors can over lap, and certainly the behavior was extreme.

It's a matter of communication, is all. that's my take but we don't have to agree. The other forum is empty from what i can see. I'm sure plenty of posters would like to continue here with familiar posters. we shall see?

broken biscuit

I was in a relationship that, when I became seriously ill, he turned more and more narcissistic and abusive as he gained more power over me.
That caused immense damage to me and I subsequently had a series of a few shorter relationships with different variations of Dismissive plus a probable BPD. They were all terribly destructive to myself as well as to my health, which I was trying to recover over many years, plus I was also subject to quite a bit of bullying inside and outside of romantic relationships as a result of the subsequent fragility.

Having had a bit of time away from romances, alongside continually working on myself during / between those that I did have, I managed to restore and improve my self to a much more improved version.

So - the effects of the Dismissives had a huge negative effect on me, as well as the BPD (where I seriously questioned my sanity at one point)(plus, clearly, the narc) whilst I was particularly vulnerable with physical illness.  

Having time out to process and reflect is the best option.
Looking back after I did showed me just how destructive ALL of those relationships had been to me.
The most recent relationship highlighted just how much I have learnt and improved and returned to a stronger version now of who I was before any of them.

i have an ex i have referred to on here as AP comorbid with some pathology.
here is the deal on that:
his behavior was textbook AP.
His attachment style, most likely insecure, most likely AP..
To the list of common AP protest behaviors, add what Jeb has referred to as an "impotent rage"
A rage culminating in violence.
This man was evaluated by a clinical psychologist and team of mental health professionals as well as child advocates during our custody evaluation, over the course of one entire year.
He was evaluated also using specific test like the MMPI 2.
I was evaluated using all the same protocols as i was a party to this custody case.
The clinical psychologist was unable to diagnose him with a specific personality disorder.
So, i don't refer to one. But out of respect for the fact that i recognize that violence is end of spectrum behavior and not common to all or even most Anxious Preoccupied people, i mention that there is a comorbid pathology.
The emphasis here is the Anxious Preoccupied/Dismissive dynamic and i have not nor will i "normalize " it as typical AP.

Most people here have no clue about a solid diagnosis. Behaviors do overlap as just mentioned by a poster in another thread who says she displays BPD- like behaviors when severely triggered by a BPD.

Does that mean she has BPD? no! at some point, clarifying the distinction between "typical" and "extreme " as it is undestood , must be sufficient to get back to the main point- a dysfunctional dynamic with insecure attachment , either anxious or avoidant, as the reason we are posting.
(hopefully focusing on our own dynamic in relation to another person's insecure attachment style and resultant behaviors, extreme or not)