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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 21:07:06 GMT
juniper and of course you seem to be lovely too! So impressive that you have got so far with your healing! How did you get to know about attachment style? i tried to break up with him early on when we were supposed to be just "casual" and got confused because i never cared about breaking up before but this time i felt a bunch of stuff differently. I didn't want to break up. i was very conflicted. So i googled breakups about how people do breakups and what it's like. (Before, i only just left horrible situations and didn't think about it much more except for having to deal with exes about kids or property or whatever. ) So i read about breakups and recognized myself from PREVIOUS breakups , being very avoidant. then i saw my whole life typed out in sections about dismissive avoidant. so- i read a lot about attachment styles and took a test. more DA than i am now. that was only a couple years or so ago? Then i recognized he is dismissive also, and we started talking a little bit not about attachment theory but about how we are and what's important to us in relationships or lifestyle. i got an attachment therapist right away but didn't continue due to scheduling and other major issues in my life that didn't leave me with time or money to keep going. So goldilocks is my confidante who helps me sort through myself and this forum is a way to stay engaged with it... along with self help reading. doing inner child work has been the most helpful once i gained awareness. The other stuff is just kind of validating and informative and helps me recognize things that are just normal to me but manifestations of dismissive avoidant lifestyle and perspective. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 21:22:30 GMT
i should add tho that i did many many years of work to become sober (25 year sobriety! ) and work through trauma and self awareness, before i learned about attachment theory.
i guess it was time and i was ready.
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 9, 2018 21:22:33 GMT
When I've pulled away it's because my brain (the amygdala to be precise, a great word as well) has sensed something is wrong, has perceived a "threat". That threat isn't physical but emotional, the sense that getting too close to this girl is a bad idea, that it will end in tears and abandonment, that the love between you will end in pain for one or both of you, that you have experienced this pain before, hidden away in your psyche, subconscious memories of childhood, and that to bring this person closer and into your life will be potentially life threatening.
So you pull away
And that person eventually has enough
And you are abandoned
And you feel the searing pain engulf your senses
And you realise the bloody amygdala was right all along.
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 21:29:14 GMT
juniper and of course you seem to be lovely too! So impressive that you have got so far with your healing! How did you get to know about attachment style? i tried to break up with him early on when we were supposed to be just "casual" and got confused because i never cared about breaking up before but this time i felt a bunch of stuff differently. I didn't want to break up. i was very conflicted. So i googled breakups about how people do breakups and what it's like. (Before, i only just left horrible situations and didn't think about it much more except for having to deal with exes about kids or property or whatever. ) So i read about breakups and recognized myself from PREVIOUS breakups , being very avoidant. then i saw my whole life typed out in sections about dismissive avoidant. so- i read a lot about attachment styles and took a test. more DA than i am now. that was only a couple years or so ago? Then i recognized he is dismissive also, and we started talking a little bit not about attachment theory but about how we are and what's important to us in relationships or lifestyle. i got an attachment therapist right away but didn't continue due to scheduling and other major issues in my life that didn't leave me with time or money to keep going. So goldilocks is my confidante who helps me sort through myself and this forum is a way to stay engaged with it... along with self help reading. doing inner child work has been the most helpful once i gained awareness. The other stuff is just kind of validating and informative and helps me recognize things that are just normal to me but manifestations of dismissive avoidant lifestyle and perspective. I’m sorry about the break up pain you experienced but I am glad you got to know about attachment style so you could work on yourself and get more secure under this time. [br |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 21:29:28 GMT
When I've pulled away it's because my brain (the amygdala to be precise, a great word as well) has sensed something is wrong, has perceived a "threat". That threat isn't physical but emotional, the sense that getting too close to this girl is a bad idea, that it will end in tears and abandonment, that the love between you will end in pain for one or both of you, that you have experienced this pain before, hidden away in your psyche, subconscious memories of childhood, and that to bring this person closer and into your life will be potentially life threatening. So you pull away And that person eventually has enough And you are abandoned And you feel the searing pain engulf your senses And you realise the bloody amygdala was right all along. i'm sorry, Mr. Biscuit. you hurt like that. I understand. 😢 man i'm emotional today |
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 9, 2018 21:40:19 GMT
When I've pulled away it's because my brain (the amygdala to be precise, a great word as well) has sensed something is wrong, has perceived a "threat". That threat isn't physical but emotional, the sense that getting too close to this girl is a bad idea, that it will end in tears and abandonment, that the love between you will end in pain for one or both of you, that you have experienced this pain before, hidden away in your psyche, subconscious memories of childhood, and that to bring this person closer and into your life will be potentially life threatening. So you pull away And that person eventually has enough And you are abandoned And you feel the searing pain engulf your senses And you realise the bloody amygdala was right all along. It hurts to read this. I feel sorry about your pain and I feel sorry for the girl too. I have been on her shoes and yeah it would be so much easier if his subconscious could let him believe that I am not here to hurt him, I don’t want to choose to leave I want to choose to love ❤️ We all deserv to love and feel loved! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 9, 2018 23:41:21 GMT
I think sometimes it's about expectation-- things are good = certain things are expected of me (ex: a certain degree of intimacy and emotional expression) ----> pulling away so as to resist that sense of expectation. And I don't think it's always even necessarily the other person creating a sense of expectation as it is either one's own inner voice or a sense of cultural norms. It may also have to do with feeling a sense of control over the situation.
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Post by stayhappy on Aug 13, 2019 15:31:21 GMT
Sometimes I read this post again because It helped and still help me a lot to understand my partners need of space and problems with being vulnerable!
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