Post by andy on Aug 10, 2018 7:47:37 GMT
Hi everyone! I really admire the compassion for people of all attachment styles shown in this forum, and the emphasis on working on and caring for oneself first. I hope those values can frame the discussion of my situation. I know I need to make my own decisions, but I'm looking for ideas about the questions I should be asking myself as I figure out how to handle an emotionally tricky friendship with my ex. Thanks in advance for any insights.
The situation is this (forgive the lengthiness!):
I've re-established a friendship with an ex who broke up with me a couple of years ago in what seems like a very DA or maybe FA way. Looking back, I also understand that the relationship brought out a hyper-vigilant, insecure, and reassurance-craving AP side of me. To give you an idea of the romantic relationship, which lasted 5 months:
-Signals of romantic interest from the ex: saying intense things like "I've found what I'm looking for" and "I floated most of the way home," asking how she should introduce me to others to show that I was her "very-important-person"/asking if she could call me her boyfriend, exchanging goofy texts with me for hours on end at times
-...Which alternated with periods of not texting me back for up to five days, especially after a date that seemed to go well (and so I became miserably obsessed with checking my phone for her texts, in true AP fashion), suggesting days for meeting up that seemed to me to be absurdly far in the future when I tried to make plans, occasionally responding to texts in a terse or minimal way
-Eventually I worked up the courage to talk to her about how often she wanted to see me, and she agreed without hesitation to meet weekly and seemed really appreciative that I had initiated the conversation. I confessed that I hadn't invited her to a recent event that I knew she was interested in because I was worried it would seem excessive to her. She said, "Oh no! I think you're awesome" and "You're so wonderful! How do you make this even more wonderful?!" and kissed me. We had what felt to me like a magical night, and I felt closer to her than ever. I thought then that I could leave behind all my confusion and insecurity since we had talked things out.
-After she agreed to meet once a week, I didn't hold back in trying to initiate dates with her on that schedule, whereas before we had that conversation I had tried to roughly mirror her frequency of contacting me (as hard as that was for me).
-The conversation that seemed so magical to me was the turning point after which everything started going downhill. She pulled away more dramatically. Things came to a head when she didn't update me that she was going to be going out of town and wouldn't be able to see me as planned - though we hadn't set a particular date, we had talked about seeing each other that week. I wasn't at all upset that she would have to miss seeing me because of her trip, but I felt hurt and angry that she hadn't at least updated me (until I had contacted her to try to firm up our plans... after waiting and waiting for her to take her turn to do it, and feeling insecure and hurt wondering why she wasn't). I texted her and asked to talk, and we had a long and emotional Skype conversation. I could tell she was completely freaked out - it wasn't just a low-key clarifying chat to her. She apologized to me for setting us up to fail by agreeing to meet weekly when she really couldn't. She told me she had trust and commitment issues due to her trauma history, and that a similar conflict had come up in another relationship of hers too. At the time, I don't think I realize what a big deal it must have been for her to explain this all to me and how hard she must have been working to stay in the conversation. I listened and empathized as much as I could (still feeling really hurt myself), but my focus was on asserting myself, as I had been suppressing my true needs and feelings for a while.
-We met and talked some more the next day, and she gave me a random little gift that she had bought for me a week or so earlier. I explained that I was feeling better now that I'd had time to process our conversation, and that I was okay with meeting less often as I wanted to be in a relationship with a real human being. And that was true - I really did feel much better after she opened up to me and I could tell the issue wasn't that I wasn't good enough (yes, I did take things really personally for a while). Though it felt like a bit of a sacrifice to agree to see her less often, the sacrifice seemed worth it to me. But I could tell she was still really stressed. She asked, "Am I not allowed to have any needs?" and I remember wondering where on earth that question was coming from, as I thought I had always shown care and consideration for her needs. Now I have a pretty good idea that it came from her childhood experiences. Later that day she texted me to thank me for the conversation and told me she was feeling better and better, and she included a sweet emoji.
-AND the next time I saw her... she broke up with me! She told me she'd been having panic attacks since our last conversation and that she couldn't date anyone because the time commitment involved in a relationship was harmful to her health.
-Almost three weeks later, I sent her a long email to make sure she understood that I was okay with working with a schedule that felt sustainable and healthy to her. About three weeks after that, she sent an extremely short reply that was neither unkind nor especially warm. She said she did want to be friends eventually.
I contacted her 7 months later to re-establish our friendship. Since we've reconnected, about a year ago now, she has become a totally equal participant in staying in contact with me and setting up plans to see me. And she has even done a few things that have made me wonder whether she has feelings for me. Shortly after we reconnected, she asked me to give feedback on a school project, which I did, and then she wanted to have a follow-up conversation about it, which I thought would be about word choice and sentence structure. Instead, it was the most emotionally intimate conversation we'd ever had, other than the one that precipitated our breakup. Another time when we met for dinner she seemed really dressed-up and made-up... which could just be because she's a creative type and likes to experiment with fashion, but I did wonder whether it was for my benefit. She was also one of only a handful of my friends who came to my choir performance. I sent her a mass invitation via Facebook and she followed up with me about it a week before the performance and ended up coming. I totally hold out hope for us in classic/maybe-kinda-hopeless AP style, and part of me really wants to talk to her about my feelings, BUT....
The thing is, I feel I've entered into an unspoken pact with her NEVER to talk about our feelings. Why? After our first day of hanging out as friends, I sent her an email where I asked her how she was feeling about reconnecting and what her vision was for the format and parameters of our friendship. I acknowledged that there would be some challenging feelings involved for me but explained that I had had another very successful experience transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship, even if it seemed awkward at first, so I knew that it was feasible. Her reply was suuuuuper short and pointedly formal (she signed off "sincerely"!!!), and she didn't acknowledge any feelings. I felt totally slapped down and embarrassed. I took her email to mean, "Don't ask me about my feelings about us ever again." But we've had more than a year of solid friendship since then....
I would rather be friends with her than not be connected at all, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling some confusion and longing in our friendship. I think she's a really fantastic and beautiful human being - even more so because I know a bit about attachment injuries now and can see that she did make an effort to stay in communication with me even when she was obviously triggered. I definitely have feelings for her.
I guess my options are:
1) Keep going as friends without saying anything and try to get over her eventually by meeting someone new. Keep enjoying the mystery and tension of it all, in a kind of twisted and angsty yet not miserable way.
2) Talk openly about my feelings and run a significant risk of being slapped down and feeling embarrassed AGAIN, and a not-negligible risk of losing the connection altogether.
3) Step away from the friendship, either by explaining honestly why I'm doing it, or by gradually reducing contact without an explanation. Doubt I would go with this option, but let me know if you think I should consider it.
4) Something else I haven't considered, or some combination of these?!
What factors should I be keeping in mind here? Any DA types want to venture a guess as to what might feel best to her?
Thanks so much for reading this all!
The situation is this (forgive the lengthiness!):
I've re-established a friendship with an ex who broke up with me a couple of years ago in what seems like a very DA or maybe FA way. Looking back, I also understand that the relationship brought out a hyper-vigilant, insecure, and reassurance-craving AP side of me. To give you an idea of the romantic relationship, which lasted 5 months:
-Signals of romantic interest from the ex: saying intense things like "I've found what I'm looking for" and "I floated most of the way home," asking how she should introduce me to others to show that I was her "very-important-person"/asking if she could call me her boyfriend, exchanging goofy texts with me for hours on end at times
-...Which alternated with periods of not texting me back for up to five days, especially after a date that seemed to go well (and so I became miserably obsessed with checking my phone for her texts, in true AP fashion), suggesting days for meeting up that seemed to me to be absurdly far in the future when I tried to make plans, occasionally responding to texts in a terse or minimal way
-Eventually I worked up the courage to talk to her about how often she wanted to see me, and she agreed without hesitation to meet weekly and seemed really appreciative that I had initiated the conversation. I confessed that I hadn't invited her to a recent event that I knew she was interested in because I was worried it would seem excessive to her. She said, "Oh no! I think you're awesome" and "You're so wonderful! How do you make this even more wonderful?!" and kissed me. We had what felt to me like a magical night, and I felt closer to her than ever. I thought then that I could leave behind all my confusion and insecurity since we had talked things out.
-After she agreed to meet once a week, I didn't hold back in trying to initiate dates with her on that schedule, whereas before we had that conversation I had tried to roughly mirror her frequency of contacting me (as hard as that was for me).
-The conversation that seemed so magical to me was the turning point after which everything started going downhill. She pulled away more dramatically. Things came to a head when she didn't update me that she was going to be going out of town and wouldn't be able to see me as planned - though we hadn't set a particular date, we had talked about seeing each other that week. I wasn't at all upset that she would have to miss seeing me because of her trip, but I felt hurt and angry that she hadn't at least updated me (until I had contacted her to try to firm up our plans... after waiting and waiting for her to take her turn to do it, and feeling insecure and hurt wondering why she wasn't). I texted her and asked to talk, and we had a long and emotional Skype conversation. I could tell she was completely freaked out - it wasn't just a low-key clarifying chat to her. She apologized to me for setting us up to fail by agreeing to meet weekly when she really couldn't. She told me she had trust and commitment issues due to her trauma history, and that a similar conflict had come up in another relationship of hers too. At the time, I don't think I realize what a big deal it must have been for her to explain this all to me and how hard she must have been working to stay in the conversation. I listened and empathized as much as I could (still feeling really hurt myself), but my focus was on asserting myself, as I had been suppressing my true needs and feelings for a while.
-We met and talked some more the next day, and she gave me a random little gift that she had bought for me a week or so earlier. I explained that I was feeling better now that I'd had time to process our conversation, and that I was okay with meeting less often as I wanted to be in a relationship with a real human being. And that was true - I really did feel much better after she opened up to me and I could tell the issue wasn't that I wasn't good enough (yes, I did take things really personally for a while). Though it felt like a bit of a sacrifice to agree to see her less often, the sacrifice seemed worth it to me. But I could tell she was still really stressed. She asked, "Am I not allowed to have any needs?" and I remember wondering where on earth that question was coming from, as I thought I had always shown care and consideration for her needs. Now I have a pretty good idea that it came from her childhood experiences. Later that day she texted me to thank me for the conversation and told me she was feeling better and better, and she included a sweet emoji.
-AND the next time I saw her... she broke up with me! She told me she'd been having panic attacks since our last conversation and that she couldn't date anyone because the time commitment involved in a relationship was harmful to her health.
-Almost three weeks later, I sent her a long email to make sure she understood that I was okay with working with a schedule that felt sustainable and healthy to her. About three weeks after that, she sent an extremely short reply that was neither unkind nor especially warm. She said she did want to be friends eventually.
I contacted her 7 months later to re-establish our friendship. Since we've reconnected, about a year ago now, she has become a totally equal participant in staying in contact with me and setting up plans to see me. And she has even done a few things that have made me wonder whether she has feelings for me. Shortly after we reconnected, she asked me to give feedback on a school project, which I did, and then she wanted to have a follow-up conversation about it, which I thought would be about word choice and sentence structure. Instead, it was the most emotionally intimate conversation we'd ever had, other than the one that precipitated our breakup. Another time when we met for dinner she seemed really dressed-up and made-up... which could just be because she's a creative type and likes to experiment with fashion, but I did wonder whether it was for my benefit. She was also one of only a handful of my friends who came to my choir performance. I sent her a mass invitation via Facebook and she followed up with me about it a week before the performance and ended up coming. I totally hold out hope for us in classic/maybe-kinda-hopeless AP style, and part of me really wants to talk to her about my feelings, BUT....
The thing is, I feel I've entered into an unspoken pact with her NEVER to talk about our feelings. Why? After our first day of hanging out as friends, I sent her an email where I asked her how she was feeling about reconnecting and what her vision was for the format and parameters of our friendship. I acknowledged that there would be some challenging feelings involved for me but explained that I had had another very successful experience transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship, even if it seemed awkward at first, so I knew that it was feasible. Her reply was suuuuuper short and pointedly formal (she signed off "sincerely"!!!), and she didn't acknowledge any feelings. I felt totally slapped down and embarrassed. I took her email to mean, "Don't ask me about my feelings about us ever again." But we've had more than a year of solid friendship since then....
I would rather be friends with her than not be connected at all, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling some confusion and longing in our friendship. I think she's a really fantastic and beautiful human being - even more so because I know a bit about attachment injuries now and can see that she did make an effort to stay in communication with me even when she was obviously triggered. I definitely have feelings for her.
I guess my options are:
1) Keep going as friends without saying anything and try to get over her eventually by meeting someone new. Keep enjoying the mystery and tension of it all, in a kind of twisted and angsty yet not miserable way.
2) Talk openly about my feelings and run a significant risk of being slapped down and feeling embarrassed AGAIN, and a not-negligible risk of losing the connection altogether.
3) Step away from the friendship, either by explaining honestly why I'm doing it, or by gradually reducing contact without an explanation. Doubt I would go with this option, but let me know if you think I should consider it.
4) Something else I haven't considered, or some combination of these?!
What factors should I be keeping in mind here? Any DA types want to venture a guess as to what might feel best to her?
Thanks so much for reading this all!
