Navigating friendship with self-aware DA ex

oh and also i do find that my action advice can be off for someone who is more toward anxious- or it can be spot on, according to the feedback- but the intention-advice is always to honor the self first and foremost- then turn that skill to honoring others from a place of authenticity.

it's a process for all of us- sometimes by pushing back on my advice you might see that something else really is best for you- i am supportive of you finding your compass .

Thanks, leavethelighton! Yes, that's more what I was thinking before I posted, and it is definitely what my friends think. juniper's advice made a lot of sense given that suppression of my feelings/playing it cool was my dysfunctional MO in the relationship, so it would seem important to try to break out of that. But outside of the very specific context of trying to preserve a treasured yet shakey/not ideal relationship, I don't think I'm usually inauthentic or secretive about my feelings. Once it was clear that the relationship was really over, I felt I had nothing to lose anymore so I sent the honest and vulnerable email as soon as we reconnected as friends. I was only keeping my feelings quiet before that because I had the feeling I might lose the relationship (or chance at getting back with her) if I told her how I really felt, and I guess I was correct in that assumption. I kind of agree with leavethelighton that I've already taken the leap of authenticity and vulnerability, and the result wasn't awesome, so I don't need to keep repeating it.

As for finding someone else, I am hopeful about my ability to get all crushed out on a new person if I find the right match. I actually got quite into someone I went on a single date with, and in that brief moment, my ex didn't hold the same appeal for me. Unfortunately this new person wasn't interested (I assume), and the good news is I got over it in like a week or two and now never think of her (but am absolutely stuck on the ex again). It is frustrating looking for someone, as I tend to be quite particular, and I do notice that historically I only ever get over people fully by replacing them with a new crush. I can't remember who it was in another thread who said this could be a sign of looking to others to complete you. Food for thought, definitely. Thanks again for your support and insights, all.

I just went through this after inviting my DA to talk with me, so let me share my perspective.

My advice is to go into this with full understanding and acceptance of her reality. Base your expectations on who she has shown you she is and what she has said she wants. And, be clear on what outcomes you seek/may get--and whether they will be sufficient--before you decide to have the conversation. There is more than one possibility that can be good for you, depending on how you think about this. If she says she wants to get back together with you as you want, that's the best outcome. But if you get clarity, could that be a good outcome? If the friendship ends, could that also be a good outcome? I am not saying it is, just posing different ways to frame this. Ultimately, I think, the ideal is that that whatever happens, you can feel good, free and at peace afterwards.

Very wise, boomerang! If I open up a conversation, I need to frame it based on what she has told and shown me, which is that she wants to be friends and is comfortable being friends. In our romantic relationship, her actions and words often didn't quite line up. But she has completely followed through on her stated intention to be friends, and it seems likely that that's what works best for her, even IF she does have other feelings mixed in. So if I talk to her, I should take that as my starting place and show that I'm listening to her and not second-guessing what she has told me, though I would also be honest about the trickiness of the friendship configuration for me. And I should be open-minded about the possible benefits of all the different outcomes and challenge my assumptions about what counts as a good outcome.

Also, juniper, you're right that I'm not nothing to her. I never doubt that she values me now. When we were dating and she said I was a very important person in her life, I was like, Huh? I wouldn't have guessed it. Because she had a totally different way of relating with me than the way I would relate with a partner or friend who's really important to me, and often I took her behaviour to mean that I wasn't all that important to her. But now that we are friends, I can tell that I matter to her. That's a beautiful thing, even if there's nothing more to it than that. I hope our connection is robust enough now that it could survive my rocking the boat a bit, if I decide to open up the conversation. I'm still thinking it over, not sure yet what I want to do. I guess one consideration holding me back is the worry that she would feel I am not respecting her boundaries, as this would be the third time I've opened up a conversation with an "are you sure you don't want to date me?!" explicit content or subtext (the fourth time if you count the conversation where she actually broke up with me). I mean, when does a person take a hint!? I know about the barriers in communication and emotional risk-taking for a person with DA attachment, but I feel there's also something to be said for taking her at her word and accepting that she just doesn't want to date me and that it's up to me how to make my peace with that.    

Really blown away by the supportiveness of everyone on the boards. Thanks again. 

Hey, this book ocarina recommended came in at the library for me! So quick. I'm excited to read it and will probably post some reflections afterwards. I won't be back on the boards until then because I'm trying to keep a handle on my internet usage and level of absorption in this topic. I'm just announcing my intention publicly to motivate myself a little extra to stick to it, to keep people from being like, "Hey, what is that andy person doing online again?!" 😉

I've found my first bit of time on the boards wonderful for my learning, so big thanks to all. It is such a deep-thinking and deep-caring community, and I have already witnessed some transformation here, in myself and others. I'm looking forward to the next installment a little later.