The pain of dismissive attachment

i know why i am so sad. and i have been deactivating around it.
but it doesn't work and i don't want it to.

i have a close relationship with a woman who is about the age of a mom to me.
we see each other every day at our gym.
It's intentional, that we go at the same time, so we can visit and talk about life as we exercise, we have a good relationship and i do love her.
she is able to talk to me about things that my mother never would, and she is very encouraging and truly has my best interest at heart.
She doesn't have a daughter, and we smile about being able to fill that space for each other.
A few months ago, i told her, after we went to lunch, i would like to take care of her when her time comes, as she gets older i wanted to make a commitment to help her in any way she needs.
She has a son here, but he is an only child, and i offered this to both of them, out of respect and appreciation for our relationship and what she has added to my life.

Well, we all agreed that would be great and assumed that her time wouldn't come for at least a decade- she is just so healthy and strong and unstoppable.

Well, it turns out, pancreatic cancer will stop her in six months or less, we just found out in the last couple weeks.

So, yes, i'm grieving. and i'm taking care of her to he extend she needs at this time. it will become more as time passes.
She has a lot of emotions to sort through, and pain- and i swear she is as dismissive as they come. ha. But we do talk, on her intiative. I let her lead, i follow her flow.

She is the strongest woman, and more independent than i have ever seen. It's so hard for her to let me help her, but i am glad that she is allowing me, a little at a time.

She is a collection of many forces that i admire- determination, resilience, optimism, and courage in the face of adversity.
She is also becoming more vulnerable with me, that has come in stages as we have gotten to know each other over time.

So, i am facing the pain of my heart swelling and the piercing. And it's so real, and i am very willing to allow it and let it go, because it does pass and it's not real to me any more so much as it is a protective reflex.


I am headed out for a walk in the woods and over to her house this evening to sit with her.

Sometimes, i use sitting with someone i love, as a meditation , to concentrate on what it feels like to be in their presence, what is happening between us right here and now. that makes even the most difficult situations enjoyable, and meaningful.

so anyway, it does take courage to love there is no doubt about that, and i am really thankful for all that my life has taught me even though it's been pretty rough at times.

Wow, that is beautiful juniper !

You should be proud to be such a caring and courageous and committed person. I wish I could say I had that strength and clarity!

In terms of the age gap and mother-figure, I think that may be part of what the avoidant seeks in a relationship (if he is a man), a woman that could give them qualities (peace and calm and love and openness) that their mother for whatever reason could not.

thank you so much lilyg.... yes i cherish this time with her.
my mother just passed two months ago, after a battle with cancer.
i took care of her during her demise and the grief was complicated of course, by the reality of her personality.
But, i was able to be the daughter i wanted to be, and we were both ourselves to the end, it was the last chapter in a tragic book actually. But i have peace.

I will miss my dear mom-friend, and this is an instance where i walk through this part of life where we part but never say goodbye. it's sad but also, the best life ever because it's real and i'm here for it.

I will see her everywhere in things that reflect her nature.
but i will miss her.