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Post by ocarina on Aug 11, 2018 21:58:18 GMT
Would anyone be able to explain what deactivation behaviours are? Deactivation in general? Deactivation thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2018 22:26:48 GMT
Would anyone be able to explain what deactivation behaviours are? Deactivation in general? Deactivation thoughts? omg i can go on and on about this. there are lots of lists on the web but keep in mind whoever wrote them must not be avoidant because they are kind of skewed as far as what it's really like. anything at all that says or shows "i don't need you" or- "aha- i knew it was a mistake to put myself out there." reflect on that. anything that pulls you away from interdependence with a partner you care about is deactivation. if it is a partner you haven't established enough trust with, it's probably happening every other interaction at least lol. as you develop authenticity, you will notice the opportunities to stay connected and grounded and keep the camouflage off. it will be unique to you. any time you feel like hiding there is something you will do to take cover. oh, the list is long. see if this helps. i have several deactivation thoughts in a day but they are blips. i can go into it later, must lie in the sun, eyes closed, like a lizard ❤️ |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2018 22:34:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2018 2:50:27 GMT
times when it can happen, for me:
when i am sincerely trying my hardest for someone , and they become angry or annoyed with me, especially if i feel misunderstood or that my effort isn't recognized as sincere, it hurts my feelings and deactivation feels automatic, it's about being hurt.
i would guess that this is connected to child-me. the young me, trying and loving and not being seen.
another time it can happen- like in the example i gave, when i was embracing my partner as big spoon while he dozed on and off in the morning. This was a time of intimacy and deep feeling. My habit was to rub his head, neck, forehead and brows, in silence, listening to birds.
In the example i shared in the other thread, i was able to stay with him and with myself. But that is a time that i might deactivate and need to turn away, maybe still touch but back to back, or maybe, i might need to get a drink of water.
in actuality, deactivating from intimacy only happened in my relationship with my partner because i let myself be tender with him in the first place, which took a lot of vulnerability.
i have no idea why this happens - i mean i know all my thoughts and that it us my conditioned nature to avoid being too close, rather than allow closeness and then inevitable pain. I can read on a page why that is and it makes sense to me, given the nature of my caregivers and environment. But i cannot imagine a certain scenario that shaped it...i don't have a particular memory of trying to feel connected to my parents and being disappointed. it's a big blank and i don't know what i thought as a child. it was just this way, i felt alone and didn't know what belonging felt like.
Maybe at some time i got hurt trying to be close to someone. ok duh as i type this out i am sure i got hurt trying to be close to my parents. i can see that looking back, any child would approach their parents and want to connect, and feel hurt and lonely if they weren't received well. i guess that's probably the truth of it.
i'm not always able to connect with that , it's more of just an idea that makes sense sometimes. sometimes i look back and see a sad and lonely me. sometimes i look back and see a content, isolated but content , me. both are true and real. so anyway that's a strong sticking point for me, feeling close and feeling it's going to hurt like hell- abort.
deactivation can also happen in me when i have serious challenges i need to address or problems to solve. things having to do with safety and security of my family, or our emotional well being. when i am in protector mode i can deactivate and feel very far away from the relationship.
like it's a memory.
this is likely related to fending for myself in some ways or being neglected and somehow aware that something wasn't right. i didn't feel like i could ask for much help. i wonder if i stopped asking completely. i am not clear. Like, when my parents would fight violently and i needed safety. I couldn't ask for help. they were what made me unsafe.
Or more mundane things, also. i'm sure i tried to take care of a lot of feelings by myself.
if i don't deactivate with that difficult and distinct emotional feeling during stressors, there is still a good chance i am not talking about it to my partner. maybe that's a mild deactivation right there. However, i have made it a point to change that and started telling my partner about my troubles even though i don't need help or solutions from him.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2018 3:54:29 GMT
coming out of deactivation:
hours to days. if left alone without addressing it, it resolves easier and spontaneously, i just keep on keeping on and then don't feel deactivated any more.
i've read that for an avoidant, changing activities, say from working on a project to engaging, is like coming up from under water, gradually surfacing. I'd say that's accurate for changing activities and also for coming out of deactivation.
i used to fight with my partner about what it was that i felt deactivated about. so, kicked it away hard and fast. say my feelings felt hurt, maybe he was rude or snappy. Deactivation, confrontation, distance.... no desire to resolve. he didn't chase because he also is avoidant. this actually helped us, in some ways. when one of us deactivated, the other did too it seems and it resolved easier. It takes time to let it be. after deactivation resovles on the visceral level i can try to resolve the conflict more reasonably with grace.
i could fight about intimacy too. get super sweet and close, deactivate viscerally and have a sudden flash of insight that i have this all wrong, it's not real, i let myself get carried away. That would seem very real to me and i felt betrayed by him, leading me on and messing with me. Boy would that throw a wrench in things. but ultimately i would resurface and he would forgive me. it did take patience and forgiveness on both sides. I'm only talking about my deactivation here. his wasn't any prettier. and like i said, ironically, being dual avoidant helped because the conflict flared hot and then got resolved and forgotten. distance was had by both, both would resurface, progress was made.
Also, an important point that occurs to me. Avoidants are not talkers when it comes to tasks and challenges and unpleasant things, they are doers. At least that's true for me, my partner also. we can talk about an issue but neither of us need to say or hear much more than the basic details when it comes to conflict.
" when you do this, i feel this, here's what i need and why."
between us, there was and is the mutual understanding that this is either going to be good or not at all. it's a basic condition. too much time fighting or disagreeing tips the scale hard and fast. either we get along or we don't, what's it gonna be? if agreement is had about what to change, that's the end of it and an apology is made and the proof is in the pudding going forward. if it comes up again, more conflict and more trying to do better and over time things got a lot easier.
so- we tended to talk about issues briefly and only once. that helps us handle it in a way that is natural for both.
my favorite way to handle a problem is in bullet points, not pages. and only once. that's my favorite way but not always doable. i'm not saying it's the best and only way- just my favorite. my partner was the same.
i don't fight any more. the fighting was the reason i worked hard to change. it's so destructive and dishonest. not intentionally dishonest, but defensively dishonest because when you feel like you have to protect yourself, you've got the other person in a bad role and that's not always accurate. So, the first part of becoming authentic was, i guess, to learn how to not be defensive and ready to fight rather than be vulnerable. it's a complicated process that involves breathing, calming, listening to my pain, resolving it a bit, and having "generosity of spirit" to my partner to see him in a positive light even if i am hurting.
sometimes i could deactivate and resurface without my partner picking up on it. that's an improvement. handle it.
anyway, i said i could go on and on about deactivation and i can because i have spent the last couple years being aware of it and therefore suffering a lot from it, causing a lot of suffering with it, therefore working hard to heal it, and i have made a lot of progress.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 12, 2018 7:47:47 GMT
That's super helpful - I had done some online delving but as you say, there's alot of different material out there and it was confusing.
I deactivate around conflict - but in such a way that as soon as something hurts or triggers I withdraw and instead of processing, it simmers in the background and I return appearing normal but actually with a small weight in my mind which builds with future triggers. Someone on another thread mentioned this in relation to a previous partner and I talked about the Beginning Again book - I must re read and put into practice. Again it's forming this habit rather than letting things slide that is my path for the moment.
My mother (oh mothers....) was intermittently emotionally absent, abusive, unreliable, told me repeatedly she didn't love me - so no surprise that I find trusting others deeply quite challenging. My dealing with her left me resilient, solitary and strong - but also deeply wary of interdependence and with a vague anxiety in intimate relationships - maybe not anxiety but a feeling of not being really loved despite my partners best efforts. This too is my work and I have been going there recently.
Expecting a partner to fill the hole is obviously faulty thinking - and I have gone a long way towards filling it myself but it's an ongoing journey.
I hear my head making up stories, interpreting behaviour, putting labels on things and I know it's trying to protect me from harm - but in the end the opposite is the result - I run and become uncommunicative. That doesn't help it just harms both of us.
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