Post by drxreth on Aug 14, 2018 15:28:12 GMT
Hi Everyone,
I broke up with my ex of 4 years about 6 months ago now. After reading almost every post on this forum (and my head exploding from all the things I've learnt), I've come to understand that he was a DA. The past 6 months of the relationship were fairly textbook behaviors and actions, displayed by both him and I (being an AP), the distancing mixed with my anxiousness, the unwillingness to talk through our issues and my protest behavior from it. I could see it all falling apart before my eyes, but I was somewhat determined to watch it all burn up in flames, I held the match.
I'm still reeling from it all as I try to come to terms with it. I'm mad at myself for pleading with him and asking for my needs to be met over and over. I'm also mad at some of the things he did, and when I broke up with him, he stormed out of the house and didn't return or talk to me.
I reached out a month later, asking why he never 'fought' for me or why he constantly left me to deal with our (my) issues, and I realize now that it's a silly thing to say, but he told me that his way of coldness and disappearance over issues prior to the breakup was him fighting for me in a way. I thanked him for his honesty and left it at that.
Alot has been going on with my work lately, I got a promotion, but also some other not so good things have happened and I reached out to him last week to have a chat. He was in bed for two days he mentioned, not well, so I offered to go to his house as I was busy during the week and this would be the only time. He agreed and the first thing I said when I sat down was that I wanted to apologize for everything I did, but also thank him, for everything he did.
We talked for awhile, we both admitted our mistakes, laughed, caught up on each others lives and family, it was nice. He mentioned that he is a stubborn person, most of his bitterness towards me were over petty things, he's had some time to think. I cried a few times silently, I just genuinely thought he didn't love me towards the end and I didn't know what else to do, so I broke up with him. The last 6 months of our relationship were the hardest. We hardly spoke, I slept in another room. He would come home late, I would go out on the weekend out of spite and deliberately waste it with the ensuing hangover the next day. I threatened to leave before, which resulted in him leaving to stay at a friends house for a week. The last time we fought, I begged him everyday to come home and talk. We met at a bar a few days later, promising to change the gripes we had about each other, but we both didn't honor it. I asked him if he loved me when that was happening, he said yes. He also said that he never thought I would leave. Hmm.. I had a laugh at that moment, I said "we both screwed it up, didn't we".
I managed to weasel my onto his lap at this point *face palm* and kissed his forehead a few times, then told him I might have to go because, well, feelings, he said the same. We hugged and then the next thing you know, we are kissing, I'm up against his freshly painted walls and he's telling me not to be so good looking.
Anyway, before we, well, you know, he said 'we are going to complicate this, aren't we'. I asked why it would complicate it? he never answered. and we kept going.
After the rendezvous, I reassembled my clothes, gave him his and told him not to be a stranger. He told me I was always welcome. He stood at the door and watched me leave.
And this is where I'm at. One week later and confused from my own self-infliction. So I just want to know:
1. He said that this would complicate things.... In my eyes, this whole thing was my closure. He hadn't reached out to me aside from asking me a few months ago about my mail that keeps coming to the house.. What does a DA mean by this?
2. I know I'm entertaining this idea purely for myself now, but if this happened to you as a DA, how would you feel? Would you make contact again?
Ugh. I should let it all go to the wind. I'm trying. It's just hard when the memories pop up, the amount of love and adoration I gave and the balance between my needs vs. his that I desperately hoped would be met, wasted.
At the end of the day, I'm glad he opened up. That was wonderful of him. He gave me a little push into moving on, without even realizing.
I broke up with my ex of 4 years about 6 months ago now. After reading almost every post on this forum (and my head exploding from all the things I've learnt), I've come to understand that he was a DA. The past 6 months of the relationship were fairly textbook behaviors and actions, displayed by both him and I (being an AP), the distancing mixed with my anxiousness, the unwillingness to talk through our issues and my protest behavior from it. I could see it all falling apart before my eyes, but I was somewhat determined to watch it all burn up in flames, I held the match.
I'm still reeling from it all as I try to come to terms with it. I'm mad at myself for pleading with him and asking for my needs to be met over and over. I'm also mad at some of the things he did, and when I broke up with him, he stormed out of the house and didn't return or talk to me.
I reached out a month later, asking why he never 'fought' for me or why he constantly left me to deal with our (my) issues, and I realize now that it's a silly thing to say, but he told me that his way of coldness and disappearance over issues prior to the breakup was him fighting for me in a way. I thanked him for his honesty and left it at that.
Alot has been going on with my work lately, I got a promotion, but also some other not so good things have happened and I reached out to him last week to have a chat. He was in bed for two days he mentioned, not well, so I offered to go to his house as I was busy during the week and this would be the only time. He agreed and the first thing I said when I sat down was that I wanted to apologize for everything I did, but also thank him, for everything he did.
We talked for awhile, we both admitted our mistakes, laughed, caught up on each others lives and family, it was nice. He mentioned that he is a stubborn person, most of his bitterness towards me were over petty things, he's had some time to think. I cried a few times silently, I just genuinely thought he didn't love me towards the end and I didn't know what else to do, so I broke up with him. The last 6 months of our relationship were the hardest. We hardly spoke, I slept in another room. He would come home late, I would go out on the weekend out of spite and deliberately waste it with the ensuing hangover the next day. I threatened to leave before, which resulted in him leaving to stay at a friends house for a week. The last time we fought, I begged him everyday to come home and talk. We met at a bar a few days later, promising to change the gripes we had about each other, but we both didn't honor it. I asked him if he loved me when that was happening, he said yes. He also said that he never thought I would leave. Hmm.. I had a laugh at that moment, I said "we both screwed it up, didn't we".
I managed to weasel my onto his lap at this point *face palm* and kissed his forehead a few times, then told him I might have to go because, well, feelings, he said the same. We hugged and then the next thing you know, we are kissing, I'm up against his freshly painted walls and he's telling me not to be so good looking.
Anyway, before we, well, you know, he said 'we are going to complicate this, aren't we'. I asked why it would complicate it? he never answered. and we kept going.
After the rendezvous, I reassembled my clothes, gave him his and told him not to be a stranger. He told me I was always welcome. He stood at the door and watched me leave.
And this is where I'm at. One week later and confused from my own self-infliction. So I just want to know:
1. He said that this would complicate things.... In my eyes, this whole thing was my closure. He hadn't reached out to me aside from asking me a few months ago about my mail that keeps coming to the house.. What does a DA mean by this?
2. I know I'm entertaining this idea purely for myself now, but if this happened to you as a DA, how would you feel? Would you make contact again?
Ugh. I should let it all go to the wind. I'm trying. It's just hard when the memories pop up, the amount of love and adoration I gave and the balance between my needs vs. his that I desperately hoped would be met, wasted.
At the end of the day, I'm glad he opened up. That was wonderful of him. He gave me a little push into moving on, without even realizing.
