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Post by ocarina on Aug 15, 2018 21:29:10 GMT
Until now I have always been incredibly passive in relationships - I think possibly as a result of extreme self preservation - or else, in the worst relationships, just plain lack of interest.
So - my returned partner is seeking contact more often than I am used to - this is a good thing and very different from our previous dynamic. I would like to do the same - I don't want to play games here by playing hard to get, playing by the rules, letting him chase. If our relationship is to be a sustainable one, it requires much deeper trust than that and I think my passivity in the past has gone some way towards fuelling a push pull dynamic.
It doesn't feel natural for me to keep in touch - but I am hoping that the habit will develop and it's kind of nice to say something caring to a partner at the end of the day. He has been brave, honest and open and I would like to be the same - but is just doesn't feel familiar yet.
Thoughts anyone?
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 15, 2018 22:03:10 GMT
I recognise so much of me in this!
My last boyfriend said I was a sweet and great girlfriend, but that he really did not like always having to initiate all the things. He was raised very traditionally with old fashioned etiquette so he knew how to pursue, but that does not make in enjoyable to always have to.
So I did set an intention that next relationship, I would come up with every third date. My idea was that some polarity would still be in place, which I do value because it turns me on when a man is a man, yet there would not be so much occasion for a man to doubt my affections. Bonus is that we get to do some things that spring from my imagination, which is refreshing.
With friends, I am now quite good at keeping in touch and it becomes more and more natural for me to initiate social events. That said, with a love interest, the proces includes and additional step where I wonder "Is this awkward/too forward/will I be leading him on?" That is inhibiting me a bit.
I had the same with random touch, but am overcoming that by sitting with the feelings and touching before the thought of awkward can fully form. Maybe it would also work with sending a text...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2018 22:04:10 GMT
i was just reflecting on this this morning i think it was, because of something i read here about contact and communication. My thought about it was, hmm- i don't do premeditated communication. what i mean is, i don't strategize at all in terms of waiting to reply, or giving much thought to if i should or shouldn't intitiate. If i do consider something before i pick up the phone, it's along the lines of thinking i might bless him with a little smile even if i don't have much else to say, etc. So, i don't have a real plan around communication other than to just be real, just be me, just be autonomous, and make sure he knows i'm thinking of him. So sometimes that means it's not necessarily what i am used to and i don't have time for a convo, but i'll ping him anyway just to give him a smile. If i don't initiate he certainly does, and i take note that it's important to him to keep an awareness between us, of the other. it's just a kindness, just an acknowledgement that we both take comfort in. kind of like that principle of avoidants wanting your presence, but not always in the same room? haha- i can feeel very connected with him just from getting a "good morning  " or a "Good night, i hope you sleep well " . So i recopricate. And truthfully, i think of him quite a lot so make sure to reach out during the day a time or two to let him know, or ask him about his day, or remind him to eat his lunch. Lol. It's just two people being present and kind to each other. My take can be sung to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It" 😬 If you're happy and you know it let him know 😄 If you love him and you know it let it show 😍 if you're happy and you know it then your voice will surely show it , if you love him and you know it let it show 😜 it's relaxing to just express simple kindness and regard, affection, concern, whatever's on your mind or on your heart, it's nice to share. communication, if not quite natural to you, can be your gift of generosity for someone who will be blessed by it. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 16, 2018 16:39:14 GMT
The simplest of texts make me feel connected - and I love it that he's sending them - and thinking of them. In all honesty, I don't want to encourage someone fearful to come forward just because I am taking a step back if that makes sense - it's not authentic - I want a relationship that is about two people being there, being honest and open with their feelings and if I want that - then I need to do my bit and forget all the background thoughts about what women should do. We are old friends and know each other like the back of our hands and that's how I want our communication to be.
It just makes me feel shy! But Juniper you're right - it is relaxing and a gift.
Goldilocks - I guess in a new dating situation it's a little different and probably very wise to stay on your side of the fence until the person you're communicating with has shown you some of themselves and you can trust their intention is good.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 16:57:47 GMT
i wonder, of this is where the difference between FA and DA come in?
both of you have a little more disorganized percentage , im a bit more dismissive- i am very direct and forward.
the hesitance- is it kind of an anxiety of the FA internal conflict?
just kicking it around, it makes my head break to try to figure it all out.
but yeah- just relax and be natural. who cares about should and ought not. if you're thinking of him and it makes you smile...
"hi! was just thinking of you and it made me smile!"
radical truthtelling.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 17, 2018 12:52:57 GMT
i wonder, of this is where the difference between FA and DA come in? both of you have a little more disorganized percentage , im a bit more dismissive- i am very direct and forward. the hesitance- is it kind of an anxiety of the FA internal conflict? just kicking it around, it makes my head break to try to figure it all out. but yeah- just relax and be natural. who cares about should and ought not. if you're thinking of him and it makes you smile... "hi! was just thinking of you and it made me smile!" radical truthtelling. In my case you're probably right - and I want to "do it right" too - but have some confidence now since we have been more open with each other - that there's not a right or wrong here. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 13:19:33 GMT
for me the only wrong is hiding and i have discovered that in layers. the radical truthtelling has fostered radical openness to his truth as well. it's like there is an energy that two willing people can generate together, that pulls authenticity from the center of each. i am beginning to understand this as what people call intimacy. i am understanding it experientially, now, which is somewhat overwhelming but also, unstoppable now that it is established in me. that is, my commitment to revealing myself is much stronger than my commitment to hiding and there is no turning back. It so happens that i am overcome by something i shared with my SO yesterday, which i will be sharing shortly. it is a matter of grace arising from harm, i will explain that later. i am not without fear, and so while i am plunging headfirst into my deep commitment to him and there is no doubt it is sustainable and irrevocable, i feel so much i can't handle it alone and i need your help. i will be sharing more soon goldilocks and ocarina. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 17, 2018 18:45:35 GMT
In all honesty, I don't want to encourage someone fearful to come forward just because I am taking a step back if that makes sense - it's not authentic - I want a relationship that is about two people being there, being honest and open with their feelings This is beautiful, and you are showing compassion with his fearful side. Not playing his fears to control him and be sure of his attention, but allowing him the freedom to act out of love rather than fear. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 17, 2018 18:55:04 GMT
i wonder, of this is where the difference between FA and DA come in? both of you have a little more disorganized percentage , im a bit more dismissive- i am very direct and forward. the hesitance- is it kind of an anxiety of the FA internal conflict? I used to be more DA, maybe 30% DA and 15% FA and 50% Secure. After the work I have done over the time I have been here, I have become more secure, but also more emotional. Looking deeper into my own process I also recognize the fears in there that in the past were immediately followed by a put off feeling. Hesitance for me happens due to overthinking and fear. This is something I mostly have with people I don´t know too well, or if the relationship is not yet established. If I am sitting home, relaxing on friday night, like now and am thinking of calling or texting, I do wonder if maybe he is out with another woman, or over at his parents or whatever. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 19:21:59 GMT
i wonder, of this is where the difference between FA and DA come in? both of you have a little more disorganized percentage , im a bit more dismissive- i am very direct and forward. the hesitance- is it kind of an anxiety of the FA internal conflict? I used to be more DA, maybe 30% DA and 15% FA and 50% Secure. After the work I have done over the time I have been here, I have become more secure, but also more emotional. Looking deeper into my own process I also recognize the fears in there that in the past were immediately followed by a put off feeling. Hesitance for me happens due to overthinking and fear. This is something I mostly have with people I don´t know too well, or if the relationship is not yet established. If I am sitting home, relaxing on friday night, like now and am thinking of calling or texting, I do wonder if maybe he is out with another woman, or over at his parents or whatever. this is interesting! i need to pay attention to see if i am doing any thinking i am not aware of! hahahaha! maybe i should start thinking. this is complicated. lol. i feel i'm quite impulsive and just do what i want , and let things sort out, and perhaps that's not always best, i really don't know for sure. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 17, 2018 19:45:21 GMT
I think thinker-deliberate vs doer-impulsive is also a personality difference aside from attachment style.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 20:44:30 GMT
I think thinker-deliberate vs doer-impulsive is also a personality difference aside from attachment style. this is a good point! it is definitely my personality. that's about all the thought i can give to that, much appreciated! 😂 |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 17, 2018 21:05:35 GMT
for me the only wrong is hiding and i have discovered that in layers. the radical truthtelling has fostered radical openness to his truth as well. it's like there is an energy that two willing people can generate together, that pulls authenticity from the center of each. i am beginning to understand this as what people call intimacy. i am understanding it experientially, now, which is somewhat overwhelming but also, unstoppable now that it is established in me. that is, my commitment to revealing myself is much stronger than my commitment to hiding and there is no turning back. It so happens that i am overcome by something i shared with my SO yesterday, which i will be sharing shortly. it is a matter of grace arising from harm, i will explain that later. i am not without fear, and so while i am plunging headfirst into my deep commitment to him and there is no doubt it is sustainable and irrevocable, i feel so much i can't handle it alone and i need your help. i will be sharing more soon goldilocks and ocarina . Juniper - I hope all is well with you - along with many others here you've been a great companion along my journey - if you need a steady hand alongside yours please let me know. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2018 3:02:42 GMT
thank you ocarina! thank you for your kind words. i've had a very intense but fruitful series of events that truly became an opportunity to understand myself more, and make some bold moves in expressing my genuine self, in humility, to accept grace for some missteps with my self and my SO. i am ever delighted but never surprised but the serendipitous unfolding of events. it seems that once we make a commitment to honoring our deepest, truest, most beautiful selves, life unfolds in such a way to bring awareness to what binds us , blinds us, and holds us down. there is a concept, i heard from a teacher, about the nature of our karma, of cause and effect. In any situation that exposes our shadow, we have an opportunity to change our direction, to provide a condition to change the circumstance from harmful to beneficial, or from beneficial, to harmful. the idea is that in any circumstance that challenges, confounds, or causes pain, we have an opportunity to use our wisdom and intention to take progressive action, action that takes us forward in our path to awakening and healing... to bring grace from harm. Harm itself becomes our benefactor when we know how to respond to it in a way that advances our growth. In the opposite direction, we have an opportunity to respond to challenges, confusion, or pain with regressive action- action that duplicates what we know doesn't help us or others, and takes us further into the bondage of our past- we perpetuate bondage in the present. in this way, we can actually bring harm from benefit- we transform a potentially beneficial situation into one that harms ourselves and others. i am pleased to say, that i have experieced grace from harm, because of progressive action in intention, thought. and action, taken by both my SO and i. at the same time, the depth of emotion triggers some of my deepest, saddest fears- and i have had some crying to do, i feel a lot of gratitude for this whole journey. i am astounded by the genius of life. i also feel deep tenderness for how i hurt, how everybody hurts. we cannot escape our fear completely, we cannot escape endings. we cannot escape loss. we can't. we can only choose each day to face these inevitable parts of life, with courage and the determination to show up; be there; be real, and find peace in what we have. how can we be so strong, and so frail at the same time? how can we do it, and how do we survive? how do we really live? by interdependence only. but not only with one person- with everyone, everything. to know that i can give myself fully to someone, or to something, and never lose myself at all, even with the loss of that someone, or something, is pretty profound. and that said, i've lost nothing and no one in this situation - just contemplated and faced the fear of loss instead of hiding and running. i feel peaceful. maybe i made sense, maybe i didn't. just rambling. 🌸 thank you guys for being here. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 18, 2018 7:31:13 GMT
In any situation that exposes our shadow, we have an opportunity to change our direction, to provide a condition to change the circumstance from harmful to beneficial, or from beneficial, to harmful. the idea is that in any circumstance that challenges, confounds, or causes pain, we have an opportunity to use our wisdom and intention to take progressive action, action that takes us forward in our path to awakening and healing... to bring grace from harm. Harm itself becomes our benefactor when we know how to respond to it in a way that advances our growth. I think of this like being a windmill, no matter what direction the wind is blowing from, the mill can use that energy to grind down grain and provide nutrition for the village. |
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" or a "Good night, i hope you sleep well " . So i recopricate. And truthfully, i think of him quite a lot so make sure to reach out during the day a time or two to let him know, or ask him about his day, or remind him to eat his lunch. Lol. It's just two people being present and kind to each other.