anon
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Post by anon on Aug 15, 2018 23:57:07 GMT
Hey, looking for some advice on how to handle a situation with an ex I believe to be DA. We dated for two years, classic story really. Started out as very keen, always wanted to spend time together, very sweet, forward and open about feelings. I went into the relationship as a secure, which I have historically been. As time went on, he withdrew progressively, specifically in the last six months. Seemed to want to spend time with everyone except me, wouldn't open up about his feelings, still said he loved me and wanted to be with me but spending time together was 'too much'. I became more and more anxious, seeking reassurance and asking questions about what was going on. We began to argue every couple of weeks or so, and he would often become verbally and emotionally abusive towards me - stonewalling and ghosting. He never really owned any of the causes of our issues and I shouldered most of the blame for being too needy. It ended up that we decided to have a time out, during which it was supposed to be zero contact. However, every few days he would message me and be as he was at the start of the relationship - missing me, keen to spend time together, loving. I respected the zero contact rule and never messaged him.
In the end, I said it was too much and I couldn't deal with it anymore, that it was a rollercoaster. He said that he is incapable of being in a relationship, but said he still wants me in his life as a friend - a best friend. Said I'm the only person he's ever been able to open up to even a little, that he's never had someone treat him as well as I have, etc. I said I didn't think that I could be friends, because I do still have feelings for him and all of the reasons we initially fell for each other are still there. A week ago, I requested zero contact for a couple of months, whilst I take time to figure out if I can be friends or if I just need to exit his life completely. Since then, he has liked every single one of my instagram posts, and continues to message me randomly about things that I assume he thinks I will find interesting. I haven't replied. The week so far has really cemented for me that I don't want him in my life, even though I continue to care for him and wish I could be there as the friend I think he desperately needs. How do I handle this?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 0:03:55 GMT
what makes you think this partner is dismissive avoidant?
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anon
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Post by anon on Aug 16, 2018 0:16:48 GMT
what makes you think this partner is dismissive avoidant? I'm definitely not an expert in this, I've only really had cause to look into it in the past month or so as things have gone so horribly wrong. But when I've read up on attachment types, he ticks a lot of the boxes. I don't know what else it could be. He seemed initially to want a relationship, pursued me relentlessly in the beginning, but then as time went on needed more and more space. It was a push-pull thing a lot of the time - I'd respect his need for space and then he'd be overly attentive again, keen to spend lots of time alone together. It didn't really bother me too much initially, but when we'd been together a while I grew tired of the inconsistency. He would make plans with me but then if something else came up, wouldn't hesitate to drop me and go do something else, often only letting me know at the last minute. He has a similar history with exes - would date for a year or so and then end the relationship because of feeling stifled. I was his longest relationship. He doesn't have any particularly close relationships with family or friends - sees family when he has to kind of thing. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 0:21:37 GMT
this sounds like a Fearful Avoidant pattern rather than dismissive.
if you look into that dynamic you may gain more insight .
it doesn't fit the dismissive avoidant dynamic.
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anon
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Post by anon on Aug 16, 2018 0:31:08 GMT
this sounds like a Fearful Avoidant pattern rather than dismissive. if you look into that dynamic you may gain more insight . it doesn't fit the dismissive avoidant dynamic. Hmm, I've just had a quick read and I'm not sure. He is anything but dependent, and has a LOT of confidence. When I first met him (we were friends for around six months before it became more), he was still sleeping with a number of his exes. He says he would be quite happy not having a romantic relationship and being alone in the long-term with only casual partners. He's also never once said that our problems were even partially his fault - he becomes verbally aggressive when I try to explain how some of his behaviours (such as cancelling a date with 10 minutes notice) make me feel. Regardless, I've accepted we aren't a good fit and that the relationship is over. I don't want to be friends with him as I feel that he is conflicted about what he wants from a friendship with me. I don't want to be horrible but I need to move on. How do I handle the current situation, which is that we have agreed to zero contact but he continues to message me etc? |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 0:39:34 GMT
ok; but this is not a dismissive pattern, with heavy pursuit, lots of time spent, retreat, pursuit, the roller coaster.
it's more FA.
that's neither here nor there to me-
if you want the contact to stop and a mutual agreement is not being respected, i would suggest blocking all electronic forms of communication.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 16, 2018 1:08:56 GMT
What worked for me in a similar situation was to convince him that if he'd stop talking to me then he'd be doing me a favor because I really needed the space. He twisted it into a show of how much he cared for me, and then I blocked him and it stuck on both sides. Then you can decide at a later time if you want to open contact back up and try to be friends. If he's still kind of idealizing you / pursuing you (as a friend) when you exit the situation and you're being kind, he should be relieved not angry if you ever return to him. Sounds like he likes to keep exes around anyway.
But don't stick around just because you think he "needs" a friend if it's having a negative impact on you. He actually needs to take a good look at himself and not lean on you to the extent he is attempting to do so.
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Post by lilyg on Aug 16, 2018 7:49:13 GMT
Honestly, I'd be wary if he has a habit of being'friends' with his exes and sleep with them. He'll try to do the same with you at some point. He doesn't need a friend, but to see why he is unable to have a relationship with 'the only person he's ever connected this much and is my best friend'. I tell you this because you seem like a nice and honest girl who knows that it'll be best if you went on with your life without this complication: you've stated you still have feelings for him, which I totally understand. It's a very reasonable thing to feel and say and I'll just stick to my guns in this one. Maybe later down the line you can reconnect, if you feel like it. Take care! It seems that you're handling this very well  |
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anon
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Post by anon on Aug 16, 2018 13:44:44 GMT
Thank you all. I think because I do care for him I don't want to hurt him by blocking him or cutting him off completely. I've left his messages unread and stopped posting on social media in the last few days, but haven't gone so far as to block him. Sometimes he is very cold and uncaring, telling me he doesn't love me anymore and watches porn rather than be with me, and then when I retreat (because that hurts), he begins the chase again and says that he thinks I'm awesome, the best and most supportive person he knows, and he's so lucky to have me in his life. Whilst he owns the fact that he isn't suited to long term relationships, he doesn't really seem to desire change and thinks it's acceptable to call me names when he is angry because I 'push him to it'. I don't know what avoidant pattern that is  I do think that for my own sanity I need to block him, but I don't think that's what is best for him - I truly believe that somewhere inside he doesn't want to be the way he is, and that maybe with the support of a 'best friend' he could change, by having that constant support in his life that he's never had before. And that's why I have the dilemma. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 16, 2018 16:28:55 GMT
You can't change him. He's got to want it, enough to take action. It doesn't matter that you can tell he's unhappy deep down. That's not the same as being motivated to ever do something about it. Thinking if you show up he will change doesn't work. He will only change if his coping methods are not working for him anymore and causing him enough pain that he has to try doing something different. It's enabling to think otherwise... do what's best for yourself here, but leave him with respect and care.
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 22, 2018 0:04:38 GMT
His inability to recognize any of his own fault in the dynamic sounds a bit narcissistic (which you shouldn't conflate with avoidant). Maybe reading about that would give you some insights?
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Post by kelvain on Aug 22, 2018 3:01:30 GMT
Hey, looking for some advice on how to handle a situation with an ex I believe to be DA. We dated for two years, classic story really. Started out as very keen, always wanted to spend time together, very sweet, forward and open about feelings. I went into the relationship as a secure, which I have historically been. As time went on, he withdrew progressively, specifically in the last six months. Seemed to want to spend time with everyone except me, wouldn't open up about his feelings, still said he loved me and wanted to be with me but spending time together was 'too much'. I became more and more anxious, seeking reassurance and asking questions about what was going on. We began to argue every couple of weeks or so, and he would often become verbally and emotionally abusive towards me - stonewalling and ghosting. He never really owned any of the causes of our issues and I shouldered most of the blame for being too needy. It ended up that we decided to have a time out, during which it was supposed to be zero contact. However, every few days he would message me and be as he was at the start of the relationship - missing me, keen to spend time together, loving. I respected the zero contact rule and never messaged him. In the end, I said it was too much and I couldn't deal with it anymore, that it was a rollercoaster. He said that he is incapable of being in a relationship, but said he still wants me in his life as a friend - a best friend. Said I'm the only person he's ever been able to open up to even a little, that he's never had someone treat him as well as I have, etc. I said I didn't think that I could be friends, because I do still have feelings for him and all of the reasons we initially fell for each other are still there. A week ago, I requested zero contact for a couple of months, whilst I take time to figure out if I can be friends or if I just need to exit his life completely. Since then, he has liked every single one of my instagram posts, and continues to message me randomly about things that I assume he thinks I will find interesting. I haven't replied. The week so far has really cemented for me that I don't want him in my life, even though I continue to care for him and wish I could be there as the friend I think he desperately needs. How do I handle this? If that is really true then end it and move on. Wanting to be there for him sounds more to me like you are actually doing it for yourself...you want to keep the door open because you think/hope there is a chance. It's a self-serving move that can allow one's self believe they are acting in a selfless and righteous way. Do yourself a favor and start caring about yourself rather than wasting your time in someone who doesn't hold you in an equally high regard as you hold them. Love yourself first. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 22, 2018 8:56:16 GMT
Thank you all. I think because I do care for him I don't want to hurt him by blocking him or cutting him off completely. I've left his messages unread and stopped posting on social media in the last few days, but haven't gone so far as to block him. Sometimes he is very cold and uncaring, telling me he doesn't love me anymore and watches porn rather than be with me, and then when I retreat (because that hurts), he begins the chase again and says that he thinks I'm awesome, the best and most supportive person he knows, and he's so lucky to have me in his life. Whilst he owns the fact that he isn't suited to long term relationships, he doesn't really seem to desire change and thinks it's acceptable to call me names when he is angry because I 'push him to it'. I don't know what avoidant pattern that is I do think that for my own sanity I need to block him, but I don't think that's what is best for him - I truly believe that somewhere inside he doesn't want to be the way he is, and that maybe with the support of a 'best friend' he could change, by having that constant support in his life that he's never had before. And that's why I have the dilemma. It is not an avoidant pattern, he is being abusive, and these things don't go better. I can see things already that can escalate (telling you something as hurtful as he prefering to watch porn than being with you and calling you names because 'you deserve it' are two very red flags). Even if he's avoidant, he's a jerk. I used to date a guy who 'loved' me so much, who 'cared' a lot about be, who wanted me to be a part of his life in such a big way I felt very happy. He always told me I was his best friend, how hot I was, how intelligent and mature I was. Apparently, I was the best girlfriend he ever had. Until he started to get super angry when he didn't get his way and called me names and screamed at me when I 'pushed him with my attitude' and it all ended when he started to shove me and physically trying to restrain me to take me somewhere I didn't want to go. If I had stayed, I'm pretty sure he would have ended hitting me (I later discovered that he went to court because he knocked out some girl's teeth). I was really young and vulnerable and oh my, I now laugh at everything but I should've left the first time he told me something offensive. Be careful! Seriously. These guys usually tell you it's your fault and make you feel guilty, but they're being very manipulative. I recommend you to read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's eye-opening. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2018 12:05:17 GMT
this would be a good opportunity to point toward exploring the pitfalls of your own attachment style, which may lead you to retain contact with a harmful partner in an attempt to meet some emotional needs of your own.
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