|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 16, 2018 14:59:18 GMT
Hey all,
Reading about avoidant attachment and it's origins, it seems like it comes (in part) from either emotional abandonment as a child (not getting needs met), or emotional enmeshment, which I read as too much support and interference.
While I can sort of of see this in my own life and upbringing, the issue is that these feel a little contradictory to me. (ie. how can your parents be both too distant AND too supportive at the same time?)
What is your understanding/experience of this?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 15:05:55 GMT
i get the confusion.
i couldn't figure this out until someone helped me understand it.
i was both neglected physically and emotionally by both parents and assailed by intrusive emotional abuse as the scapegoat of the family, with a pathologically cruel mother.
it wasn't support she intruded with.
it was projection, shame, blame, criticism.
"you're on your own, and it's because you're a very difficult person that causes a lot of problems. need a list of what you're guilty of so you understand it full well? here you go. here's 13 pages. "
best of both worlds eh?
i'm ok now. 😬😉
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 15:18:17 GMT
so it my case it was emotional intrusion.
she continually denied my truth and replaced it with her projections.
she claimed to know my innermost thoughts better than i did myself. it was enmeshment of another kind and very overwhelming.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 17:30:16 GMT
it's interesting , too-
in my baby book, she recorded the first two phrases i spoke.
"shut the door!"
and
"go away!"
written there in the pages next to my little curls she saved as a memento from my first hair cut.
i have looked at that book over the years- but look at it differently after i learned about attachment theory.
i don't know if i was repeating what i heard a lot, or if those were my own words. but they are kind of impactful as i read them understanding what was going on around me, looking back.
i'm sad those were the first things i learned to say but there you go.
i've come a long way. 😢
|
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Aug 18, 2018 20:18:08 GMT
I don't think enmeshment is necessarily too much intrusion or "support" (put that in quotes because it's really the opposite of support).
I think enmeshment can also be parents who expect their child to be a certain way and who can't deal if the child isn't, which could manifest as abandonment or neglect (physical or emotional). In any case, I don't think both abandonment and enmeshment would have to occur-- one or the other in some cases. And in other cases, who knows. I think reality can be more complicated. Like my prevailing emotional reality is more AP, but in my marriage I'm more DA. I have no idea why for ANY of it. My parents were pretty decent-- maybe a little distant, perhaps reinforced by my having a highly independent personality type that allowed them to be, but I really can't trace it to particulars of my parents. I have very little memory of my youthful days before age 6 or 7. I spent my first month in a NICU.... Other than that, I have no idea. The "why" isn't always very clear. |
|
