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Post by goldilocks on Aug 19, 2018 15:18:41 GMT
Same here!
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2018 15:40:46 GMT
I think DA attribute the pain to the unloyal partner and get rid of him. AP would attribute the pain to losing the battle over the fickle partner and want to win the next battle. juniper tnr9 Is that how you see it too? Obviously I can only speak for myself...and there is a history in my past of my dad cheating on my mom...so not sure whether that impacts and influences how I view things as I seem to be typical AP in some ways but I think my tendency to self blame is a bit atypical. Both partners who cheated were Narcs so there was a lot more going on other then cheating....but I do believe as a result...I do want to win my partner...if that is what you mean by winning the next battle. It really stinks when every woman becomes a threat and you think of yourself so poorly that a guy could just up and leave you for someone else. Lots of deep abandonment issues in that mindset. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 19, 2018 15:43:07 GMT
awww...
If you would ever win the man from the other woman, and then find out the relationship was not all that. Would that change anything?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2018 15:52:21 GMT
awww... If you would ever win the man from the other woman, and then find out the relationship was not all that. Would that change anything? Well..my last partner B never cheated on me...and that was a huge thing...it really was...but the thoughts that he could just leave me at any time kept tormenting me and I will admit...I made up all these connections that were not even true but felt so. I feel really ashamed about that to be honest. So much time wasted in worry and conspiracies and jealousy...and I could not speak to any of that because I knew it was all in my head..I did try to talk to myself in a caring and rational way...but I could not completely shake the thoughts. I am not sure if that even addresses your question. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 19, 2018 16:18:48 GMT
Do you see yourself as the betrayed woman?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2018 16:48:19 GMT
Do you see yourself as the betrayed woman? No...I don't...i actually went into an 8 week recovery group after the last Narc and I understand it wasn't personal. It is interesting though...my mom definately sees herself as betrayed by my dad and even still, I don't think she has released that. During the divorce, there was a custody battle for me and I was asked a slew of questions trying to gauge where I should live...I remember not wanting to choose...choosing meant making one parent the bad guy and I could not do that. I don't know why that came up..because it really does not tie into your question. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 19, 2018 17:43:00 GMT
Do you see yourself as the betrayed woman? No...I don't...i actually went into an 8 week recovery group after the last Narc and I understand it wasn't personal. It is interesting though...my mom definately sees herself as betrayed by my dad and even still, I don't think she has released that. During the divorce, there was a custody battle for me and I was asked a slew of questions trying to gauge where I should live...I remember not wanting to choose...choosing meant making one parent the bad guy and I could not do that. I don't know why that came up..because it really does not tie into your question. Did you feel like judging what happened between your parents makes it harder to connect to both parents? |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2018 17:55:04 GMT
No...I don't...i actually went into an 8 week recovery group after the last Narc and I understand it wasn't personal. It is interesting though...my mom definately sees herself as betrayed by my dad and even still, I don't think she has released that. During the divorce, there was a custody battle for me and I was asked a slew of questions trying to gauge where I should live...I remember not wanting to choose...choosing meant making one parent the bad guy and I could not do that. I don't know why that came up..because it really does not tie into your question. Did you feel like judging what happened between your parents makes it harder to connect to both parents? Yes...I don't have a relationship with my dad..it was his choice in the end. He would see us when it was convenient for him to see us and he was not an active part of any of our lives. He has recently tried to connect to us (because he was diagnosed with Parkinson's and really he has no friends other than his wife (who is number 4)) but it is hard to go from perceiving your dad as a sperm donor to actually having a relationship. My mom and I are just very different...and I know she loves me but we aren't close and it feels like work when we spend time together. There was not a lot of joy growing up...there was an overwhelming feeling of not enough...time,love, money etc and everything was so serious...with both parents. I don't have a single fun memory from my childhood....and that is from what I can remember. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 19, 2018 21:00:46 GMT
Jealousy - something I very rarely experience.
If I feel insecure with a partner, there's almost always a very good reason for this - in my last relationship with an extremely avoidant partner I did sometimes feel jealous - and largely because I was - and he admitted this, neglected. So rather than feel jealous of a certain person, it was generally a kind of jealousy of whatever he had intense focus on since I felt starved of this. There were times when I felt less than someone or something - and it was a particularly unpleasant and unsettling time - and one that I wouldn't sign up to again!
If I feel jealous of another woman, quite honestly, I tend to rationalise and get over it - I wouldn't tolerate a partner who was overly flirty or unfaithful - it just doesn't float my boat. I also feel that if he chooses her over me then that's fine - his loss.
At the moment since my partner and I have reunited and are experiencing an unrivalled degree of openness, love and honesty, I can't imagine feeling jealous - I feel perfectly secure.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 0:29:45 GMT
Jealousy - something I very rarely experience. If I feel insecure with a partner, there's almost always a very good reason for this - in my last relationship with an extremely avoidant partner I did sometimes feel jealous - and largely because I was - and he admitted this, neglected. So rather than feel jealous of a certain person, it was generally a kind of jealousy of whatever he had intense focus on since I felt starved of this. There were times when I felt less than someone or something - and it was a particularly unpleasant and unsettling time - and one that I wouldn't sign up to again! If I feel jealous of another woman, quite honestly, I tend to rationalise and get over it - I wouldn't tolerate a partner who was overly flirty or unfaithful - it just doesn't float my boat. I also feel that if he chooses her over me then that's fine - his loss. At the moment since my partner and I have reunited and are experiencing an unrivalled degree of openness, love and honesty, I can't imagine feeling jealous - I feel perfectly secure. ditto, all points. glad you're in such a good place, ocarina! you deserve it!!! |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 5:36:02 GMT
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31586/Are you feeling angst/anxiety or jealousy ? Then it is not recommended to sit with the angst or jealousy (the paradoxical change method). Depending on how strong the feeling is of course. According to a SE attatchment therapist this can be a sign that some trauma energy has been activated. Then it is better to use pendulation (a SE technique) Otherwise there is a change that the anxiety/angst and jealousy can create more dysregulation in your nerveussystem and you have to go all the way through the trauma whirlwind.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 5:51:27 GMT
Infidelity and jealousy are in direct contact with the subconscious.
Jealousy:
When I get jealous at someone, it's because I feel threatened by the other. I think the other can do something that does not exist in me. That the other has freer access to something I do not have access to in myself.
Ask yourself:
What are you going to do about this ?
Why am I blocked ?
Examine it further instead of getting jealous.
Infidelity:
When there is someone who is unfaithful, it is because they have met something or go out and look for something, that no longer exists in the relationship.
If you are attracted to someone else, tell your partner.
"Look, I have experienced that I am attracted to xxxx. There is something I do not experience in our relationship that attracts me to the other person. The two of us have to talk about what is missing in our relationship. Do you want to help investigate this with me, so that we can develop our relationship together? "
The other person you are interested in represents something that you are not in enough contact with or something that is not allowed to happen in the the relationship.
Jealousy and the desire for infidelity is the chance to become curious and investigate further in your own relationship. ̈́
It requires that you both have the desire to develop as individuals and as a couple.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 5:57:18 GMT
More about infidility/jealousi ect:
Tips on how to prevent jealousy, infedelety, affairs ect. in your relationship, expecially around Christmas time ect:
If we are stressed, then we become less tolerant of our partner. When we are constantly in stress, we are up in our head, and then we may not feel our desire for our partner.
Can you say yes to just one of the following:
You have unresolved conflicts in the relationship.
You are annoyed, angry ect with your partner or vice versa
You or your partner are stressed
You or your partner have a secret "dream" in everyday live about an "adventure"
You or your partner do not feel valued or loved
Then the traffic light is yellow and it is time to stop before you or your partner run the risk of driving into redzone and doing a lot of harm - emotionally - to your relationship.
10 tips on what you and your partner can do to avoid jealousy, affairs, ect :
Take time for each other. Prioritise couple time, where it's about the two of you without practical chores and child logistics
Repair your relationship if one of you has stepped the other over the toes. Say sorry or accept the apology, respectively. And find out how you can better handle the situation for both of you in the future
Clarify your love language. That is, what makes you each feel loved and appreciated. We typically give what we ourselves want. As with Christmas presents, it is rarely what the other wants and needs - or what makes the other feel loved
Ensure closeness and familiarity with each other. Look each other in the eyes, as when you were in the honeymoon fase - with curiosity, openness and enthusiasm. Listen to each other in the same way. Be each other's best friends
Spend time on hugs, touch and kisses also without sex, hold hands - it stimulates the release of oxytocin, our attachment hormone
Also prioritize sex, play. This also releases oxytocin. Make if possible an erotic Christmas calendar for your partner
Drop the perfectionism in the Christmas season. In the big picture, it doesn't matter if you made the cookies yourself ect. Then you have got more time for your husband or wife
Surprises and changes benefit most conditions, as long as they are positive. What could you do differently and better in relation to each other in December
Notice how you feel and ask for what you want from the other. Your partner is not and should not be a mind reader!
If necessary, seek professional help. Visit a couples therapist.Take one or two sessionss before Christmas and agree that it can be a Christmas present for your couple relationship and family.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 6:02:02 GMT
Jealousy
Do you suffer from jealousy from time to time when your partner goes out/is on a business trip with the hot college, with friends, other colleges, family ect
If your partner tries to accomdate you and stay home more, then this will only feed the jealousy monster because it wants more and more.
Instead
- find your triggers
- regulate
- do something good for yourself when your partner goes out, takes a vacation with friends instead of just sitting back home alone counting the hours and ruminating.
- - Get up and move instead.
- Plan your own night, your own weekend, your own week ect.
- Do what makes you fulfilled and happy.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 20, 2021 6:08:26 GMT
What does a High value man do if a woman is flirting with him infront of his girlfriend …he makes it clear that he is with his girlfriend by locking fingers with her, putting his arm around her or walks across the room and find her…. Mathew Hussey youtu.be/yPZAxiupSbo |
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