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Post by ocarina on Aug 17, 2018 13:02:30 GMT
So - as an avoidant reconnecting with a very dear and old love - also somewhere on the DA/FA spectrum, as always, things are beginning to come up in me.
My SO has been doing lots of work on himself opening to pain, feeling feelings - all good stuff and as a result he is much more affectionate, communicative and open. Now I notice myself thinking "yikes!" maybe it's too much too soon, maybe deactivation, maybe the eternal FA dance of always wanting what you can't have. I am not sure at the moment - but with his open loving approaches I feel at the moment a sense of distance and just a tiny urge to run.
I know that I love him - but I can also recognise my avoidant side speaking. I suppose the only course is as always the simple one of being with this and not attaching to the story, letting it be.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 13:25:51 GMT
so familiar.
about to drive but will be back to this
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 14:01:16 GMT
waiting for the other shoe to drop.
there is no way to predict outcomes, no guarantees, no safety at all in the future. the future cannot be ascertained but it surely is cultivated in what we do right now.
what i have experienced , in becoming aware of my flight response, and disallowing it, is that as long as i can be with what is happening in me, the outcome can not destroy me. I will know what i need to know, when i need to know it. I cannot, i MUST not create the outcome i fear most, which is loss. I must choose my path with my feet in reality as it is, not as i fear it will be.
The outcome isn't the point. The only outcome we can know is immediately before us. the outcome of what we are doing, internally and externally, right now.
"too much too soon" can only mean one thing right? fear.
fear about an outcome? uncertainty about the future? fear of getting it wrong, seeing it wrong, trusting when trusting spells danger. all of it, if you go into it, is overwhelming fear just peeking through a tiny crack you have tried to keep patched all your life, whispering, "run."
it isn't that automatically, by sitting though the fear, not running, you are proven wrong and you won't experience loss. that isn't the promise, that isn't the point.
the point is , we have to continually come back to ourselves, and the person in front of us, and stay long enough in the present moment to know things as they truly are. If you need to extricate yourself, you will gain that clarity by not borrowing trouble from your imagination but watching it manifest here and now in reality. Know what is real.
we have the opportunity to discover what is real, and we have the capacity to understand it, by stopping and looking with an open heart and open eyes.
i know you know this well and i am only here to encourage you.
i hope i have made sense. i am overwhelmed with a depth of feeling in my situation and i need to share it also and gain support, and am between tasks with a lot of responsibility today.
but i need this forum a lot at the moment!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 14:21:08 GMT
and also, ocarina, we don't really know what the fuck we are doing. we never have. we have always gotten it wrong. before. getting it wrong, for me, has been devastating and even life threatening. but, you know where i am going with this. that is past. i was devastated, i am not now devastated. i am renewed. much good came from every bad thing that has happened in my life. there was not a single opportunity missed, for growth and evolution, and i am not now who i was then. i am certain of this. i have to let it go,, let the past go, and try and try again. every day is a new day for me, and i am okay as long as i stay with it. it's very very frightening at times but today is the only real thing i have and it's not nearly as horrible as the past or the imaginary future, it's very very manageable. and actually quite good. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 17, 2018 18:37:50 GMT
So - as an avoidant reconnecting with a very dear and old love - also somewhere on the DA/FA spectrum, as always, things are beginning to come up in me. My SO has been doing lots of work on himself opening to pain, feeling feelings - all good stuff and as a result he is much more affectionate, communicative and open. Now I notice myself thinking "yikes!" maybe it's too much too soon, maybe deactivation, maybe the eternal FA dance of always wanting what you can't have. I am not sure at the moment - but with his open loving approaches I feel at the moment a sense of distance and just a tiny urge to run. I know that I love him - but I can also recognise my avoidant side speaking. I suppose the only course is as always the simple one of being with this and not attaching to the story, letting it be. I can see that you really do appreciate his growth. Do you also notice this is what you wanted last week? When you felt he was about to coast on your personal development. You are not used to getting what you want, and new things can give a sense of discomfort. But new things are also an adventure, and you have all the resourcefulness to embark. Maybe be nice to yourself, giving you what you want. Maybe a good walk or swim in nature. Some of your favorite foods. A morning of sleep with no alarm clock. Whatever you really want. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 18:41:49 GMT
there will be many opportunities for shadow work, also! and, just as many opportunities to enjoy your swim in the ocean, your nutritious foods, your rest... goldilocks is the best about these reminders!! i just love this little circle we have going here. 😍 |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 17, 2018 19:35:35 GMT
there will be many opportunities for shadow work, also! and, just as many opportunities to enjoy your swim in the ocean, your nutritious foods, your rest... goldilocks is the best about these reminders!! i just love this little circle we have going here. 😍 So do I! |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 17, 2018 21:02:40 GMT
Thank you so much - just what I needed - it's all so new and Goldilocks yes - it is exactly what I always wanted - but now that it's here it feels frightening in it's unfamiliarity - I am used to the absent, the uncommunicative - not the love and sharing.
Thank you also both for the reminders - to find myself back in myself again - yes tomorrow a swim. I surfed today - it's a real passion and the best sport ever for totally restoring mindful concentration. A rinse in the ocean always does the trick and now I feel less wobbly.
I don't know what it is that I fear by being close - I have never known - but I do recognise the tendency to behave always as though I have been majorly hurt in past relationships.
My lovely man is leading the way here - but I feel a little hesitant in my following. Still there is no rush - I will try to enjoy life as before - and yay to a morning tomorrow with no alarm clock!!!! That is REALLY exciting!
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 17, 2018 21:15:37 GMT
Good for you! I like how you went surfing and will be enjoying a good sleep in.
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 18, 2018 20:21:28 GMT
You can't necessarily control the outcome...
But you could try a different action in response to the old familiar feelings.
I hope things go well for the two of you!
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Post by ocarina on Aug 20, 2018 21:47:46 GMT
You can't necessarily control the outcome... But you could try a different action in response to the old familiar feelings. I hope things go well for the two of you! Thank you compassionateavoid. It's funny that now some of his avoidant behaviours are not so evident, the spotlight has been shone upon mine. Things that maybe i wouldn't have been aware of previously. My obsessive focus on work, my schedule which has no time to meet, my feeling of alarm when he is verbally affectionate. I have laughed with him, saying it's as though he's taken some kind of love potion - whilst I on the other hand feel intensely rational and slightly self contained. What I also feel is amazingly un anxious - I trust totally that we are both all in here, whatever that will bring and mean. It's taken the ultimate commitment from both of us to be so honest and this is a kind of glue that I think will stand the test of time whatever else happens. I also, in my security, feel confident to communicate however and whenever feels right - so different from my walking on eggshells trying to do things right approach in the past. All the advice on dating I had assimilated over the years has at times left me stilted and distant in relationships - almost a kind of deactivation, in doing it by the book, I had avoided any risk or vulnerability. It's so much more relaxing to be honest and open and trust the process. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 22:14:44 GMT
You can't necessarily control the outcome... But you could try a different action in response to the old familiar feelings. I hope things go well for the two of you! Thank you compassionateavoid. It's funny that now some of his avoidant behaviours are not so evident, the spotlight has been shone upon mine. Things that maybe i wouldn't have been aware of previously. My obsessive focus on work, my schedule which has no time to meet, my feeling of alarm when he is verbally affectionate. I have laughed with him, saying it's as though he's taken some kind of love potion - whilst I on the other hand feel intensely rational and slightly self contained. What I also feel is amazingly un anxious - I trust totally that we are both all in here, whatever that will bring and mean. It's taken the ultimate commitment from both of us to be so honest and this is a kind of glue that I think will stand the test of time whatever else happens. I also, in my security, feel confident to communicate however and whenever feels right - so different from my walking on eggshells trying to do things right approach in the past. All the advice on dating I had assimilated over the years has at times left me stilted and distant in relationships - almost a kind of deactivation, in doing it by the book, I had avoided any risk or vulnerability. It's so much more relaxing to be honest and open and trust the process. this has been my experience also- haha- our partners give us an opportunity to dance with our shadow. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 22:17:26 GMT
ocarina i am so happy for you. our situations look quite similar from a lot of angles. i know how good you feel. profound, isn't it?
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 21, 2018 18:21:23 GMT
I'm happy for both of you!!!
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Post by ocarina on Sept 19, 2018 16:01:20 GMT
So the journey continues - I have been away and now my beloved is also - but in between we made time for each other, more than previously and did some basic things for the joy of togetherness - cycled to a cafe, walked on the hills. No fear of it being too much or walking on eggshells and no fear of not being enough or being too goofy or honest.
This is what seems to be missing in so many relationships where needs are not being met - the alterations in behaviour to keep the relationship on track are just so plain exhausting. The worries about doing it right. Let go of that and maybe then it will just happen right anyway? Or maybe not and then you know if wasn't meant to be.
Anyway - all is well with the two of us at present, although given we're both DA it's likely that the geographical distance isn't challenging either of us too much - but whatever, it's lovely to have a pleasant and companionable friendship that's about being real. It's as though when he dropped his defences and told me he loved me, it gave me permission to do the same.
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