|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 19, 2018 18:44:11 GMT
You wouldn't be breaking up or going no contact for something he "can't help." You'd be doing it because being in this situation is painful for you. It feels difficult, I know, because you really care for this man, and it's such a crappy situation to be in. But you're both telling each other what you want, and it's not compatible with what the other person desires.
It is his choice that he is not willing or able to face his issues. He's told you straight out that the last gf he was attached to couldn't change this, which implies you shouldn't expect to be able to either. So it's your choice to listen and accept him how he is or leave. It doesn't sound like you are content to stay in this situation if he doesn't change, at least if you couldn't even tolerate being Facebook friends with little social media interaction.
So don't make excuses to stay. You can leave him with love and respect, but still move forward and then also respect your own boundaries to not interact with him and circle back a third time.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2018 18:50:50 GMT
- won’t tell me anything he does when he’s not with me. I don’t need details....but he won’t even say he has a date or where they went, interesting tidbits, etc. I found out he’s been sleeping with a mutual friend, but he didn’t think it was any of my business to know this fact. Has he ever been in an open relationship? Have you discussed "rules"? If he things it's simply "no strings attached", FWB kind of thing I don't see why he should be telling you those things? -I had to unfriend him on Facebook. He never liked my posts or commented, although he would comment on mutual friends pages. I know he saw my posts because he would talk to me about what he saw on my page. This behavior hurt me so I just unfriended him so he couldn’t ignore me in that way anymore. That's quite extreme and not secure at all.- won’t return texts.... especially if he’s on a date....not even to say “hey, I’m busy”. I’ve quit initiating texts. I’m afraid to invite him to hang out....it makes him uncomfortable to tell me he already has plans. He does usually text me daily. Do you text other men on your dates? By any chance he's uncomfortable with telling you that because he's afraid of how you would react?- He recently told me he can no longer be intimate with me. But he still wants me to spend nights with him. He enjoys cuddling. He tells me he loves me. He says I’m his person. He’s said he’ll never find another like me ever again. He can’t put into words WHY he doesn’t want to have sex with me. Could be the result of the above? He likes you as a person, a friend but he can't see you in a romantic light because of your anxious and controlling behavior? I don't know-he recently admitted to me that he pushed his last GF away in the same way. -I’ve broken up with him twice. But he initiated contact and he’s sooo sad and miserable I feel sorry for him. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 19, 2018 18:56:01 GMT
He can’t put into words WHY he doesn’t want to have sex with me. Could be the result of above? He likes you as a person, a friend but he can't see you in a romantic light because of you anxious and controlling behavior? I don't knowI don't think it's helpful to assume this. Yes, you sound anxious, but this sounds like it's his problem with vulnerability (based on him saying he's done this before). If anything, he's so emotionally attached to you it makes him wildly uncomfortable to bond with you physically as well. And if he hasn't faced his issues, he's not going to be able to explain that to you because he doesn't understand it. As a person who has had a couple FA men and one narc do the same thing to me, I blamed myself totally and it shot my confidence to hell until I realized they have their own deep problems and it actually wasn't my fault. So don't internalize that his inability to continue sleeping with you is because you are doing something specific to turn him off... the man has issues, and you have some compatibility problems when your needs are coupled together. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 19, 2018 19:34:00 GMT
That's manipulative behavior and probably won't have an outcome at all. His issues are his to address. If you've stated your needs and he's aware he has an avoidant pattern, which it sounds like he is, there's nothing else for you to do besides decide if you can accept him as is or walk away.
If you are usually secure, how would you handle this same situation with any other man who wasn't him?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2018 21:03:26 GMT
i don't see dismissive behavior here- just a bunch of ambiguous stuff involving sleeping with numerous partners and strange expectations on your part.
frankly, this facebook unfriending business is childish. really? if he doesn't like your stuff you unfriend him for "ignoring " you?
you're both in an open relationship. that speaks for itself. it sounds like he prefers you as a friend rather than a sex partner. maybe he just wasn't as into the sexual aspect as you were, who knows? but that's a boundary you ought to respect.
it doesn't seem that you are happy with the terms he has offered.
the answer then would be to change what you are doing instead of trying to do anything to change what he is doing.
he may have issues but its your issues that have you stuck. this would be a no brainer for any secure person.
did he ask for your help with something?
like, did he say- i don't want to have sex with you, help me change that? i'm missing something.
the most i could figure out is that you said he seems sad so maybe he has a mood disorder, a counselor might be able to assist him with that and recommend medication or treatment modalities.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 3:20:25 GMT
you posted for feedback and got some you don't like, disregard it, and best of luck!
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 20, 2018 4:00:16 GMT
I was not going to post but i noticed a familiar pattern that i too exhibit. Have you asked him why he did not like your posts? Because if you didn't, then you are relying on your own biased logic. Same thing with regards to his texting, have you asked him about it? I think it truly is worth asking just to see if you are corrext about him ignoring you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 4:15:21 GMT
i was going to add, that she told him to choose a level of interaction and stick with it, no more sex one week (10) and a peck on the cheek the next (1).
so, apparently he chose (1) and not (10) and is sticking with it.
i think that's totally reasonable.
but the posts are gone, so it's probably not helpful to point that out.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Aug 20, 2018 13:02:25 GMT
The OP deleted. Sigh. My observation was that she was trying to fix an unconventional problem with a reasonably conventional solution, and I’m not sure it could be effective.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 15:45:15 GMT
there's a lot of information out there about attachment theory, and certainly enough to be able to identify where one suffers personally.
unfortunately, i think there is a tendency to diagnose partners without an objective scope- and i didn't see anything to indicate a dismissive attachment style in the details that the poster shared. i saw details that actually didn't fit the bill at all, in my perspective as dismissive.
however, the poster did recognize her own anxious preoccupation, which is truly the only thing within her control in such a difficult situation.
So, all is not lost- we each have to find our way and there is little anyone else can do to make that happen.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 20, 2018 19:58:28 GMT
I agree I didn't see DA there even though he admitted to some avoidant "patterns", which is why I was careful with my word choices, but I was waiting for an expert to weigh in!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 20:05:07 GMT
I agree I didn't see DA there even though he admitted to some avoidant "patterns", which is why I was careful with my word choices, but I was waiting for an expert to weigh in! dangers of diagnosing someone else and getting on that train. DA nervous system over regulates and so big displays of emotion are unlikely, from my experience (mine and others). crying and sobbing? probably not- probably more like withdrawing and shutting down. spending all spare time with someone? also not as likely, especially since he was also spreading spare time around to 1-3 other females. one on one time isn't typically a high priority to a dismissive. those nights spent cuddling would most likely be preferred as alone time to recharge and find some solitude and a breather. not sharing details of days and dates? well, why would a man in this situation? it's kind of a courtesy to not divulge to much to other sex partners. not answering texts on a date? uh yeah, still just a courtesy. taking the directive to pick a lane, i thought was pretty respectful of him. she said choose, and apparently he did. i have no no idea what issues he may have, but his side of the story would probably be illuminating. without it, it's just about taking care of what discomfort she has that arises from her own anxiety- we can't fix other people we can only fix ourselves. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 20, 2018 20:16:29 GMT
Exactly. I didn't want to tell her that she was wrong because 1. I don't know that 2. she didn't want to hear it. She's clearly in pain right now and can only control her side of things, so I hope she can set boundaries and start to relieve some of her own anxiety.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 20:30:13 GMT
Exactly. I didn't want to tell her that she was wrong because 1. I don't know that 2. she didn't want to hear it. She's clearly in pain right now and can only control her side of things, so I hope she can set boundaries and start to relieve some of her own anxiety. well she was talking about helping him but i saw a misdiagnosis and couldn't really understand what she meant by that anyway- sadness? or sex? i really couldn't grasp the intention but it's clear that her anxiety was getting the best of her. and no matter what triggered it, addressing that first and foremost is the only way to see clearly, i would think. at any rate, the information about self-help is readily available, lots of sources. |
|
|
|
Post by Veronika on Aug 21, 2018 17:41:09 GMT
I deleted the OP because I sensed that I wasn’t being taken seriously because we are in an open relationship. And I didn’t mean to post in DA forum....he seems more fearful.
Despite our “open” relationship, I am his primary. He will say I’m his primary partner. But he cannot be intimate any longer, which I now realize started to happen aboutthe first time he started to say he loved me.
The more attention I give him, the less he gives me. If I back away, he follows me within a week or two. I’ve broken things off twice because he seems so indifferent. But within a month, he has initiated contact...and with tons of emotion and tears on his part. Things will pick up for a week or two....then he backs off again.
He’s secretive.....this is NOT normal in the poly/open community. No I don’t need details about what goes on in the bedroom. But he’ll disappear for a weekend....and not give the barest description of where he went or with whom. Also unusual because most likely, I know who they are and I’m on friendly terms with them. I know not to ask. He does not have any ongoing relationships with anyone else. He appears to need them for sexual release.....but wants me for any emotional time (spending the night, cuddling, etc) No it is NOT because he doesn’t want to have sex with me. He says he CANT. It makes him anxious. The other women are “just sex”. He admitted his last relationship failed for the same reason. AND his 20 year marriage as well. I don’t know if he’s been diagnosed....he’s been married so long he’s just now putting puzzle pieces together with having new experiences with women. He sees a therapist. He’s not a total mentally healthy person.
He texts me general boring stuff (good morning, etc) almost daily...but nothing too mushy....an occasional breadcrumb now and then. I have learned not to text first.
He hates making plans. If I see him, it’s always last minute stuff. I never ask to see him. It makes him squirm if the answer is “no”. Not because of my reaction....it just makes him uncomfortable.
I realize that to the monogamous crowd, it’s easy to write off our relationship, not realizing how deep it is....even though it’s an open relationship. Which is why I deleted the OP. I was being written off as a crazy chick and he’s being diagnosed as a sex crazed Playboy who probably doesn’t give a shit about me. And NOBODY in our circle believes that for a minute. All these months I’ve felt frequently neglected, and many, many mutual friends have said he’s in love with me but doesn’t know how to handle it.
|
|
