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Post by lilyg on Aug 21, 2018 18:17:01 GMT
I deleted the OP because I sensed that I wasn’t being taken seriously because we are in an open relationship. And I didn’t mean to post in DA forum....he seems more fearful. Despite our “open” relationship, I am his primary. He will say I’m his primary partner. But he cannot be intimate any longer, which I now realize started to happen aboutthe first time he started to say he loved me. The more attention I give him, the less he gives me. If I back away, he follows me within a week or two. I’ve broken things off twice because he seems so indifferent. But within a month, he has initiated contact...and with tons of emotion and tears on his part. Things will pick up for a week or two....then he backs off again. He’s secretive.....this is NOT normal in the poly/open community. No I don’t need details about what goes on in the bedroom. But he’ll disappear for a weekend....and not give the barest description of where he went or with whom. Also unusual because most likely, I know who they are and I’m on friendly terms with them. I know not to ask. He does not have any ongoing relationships with anyone else. He appears to need them for sexual release.....but wants me for any emotional time (spending the night, cuddling, etc) No it is NOT because he doesn’t want to have sex with me. He says he CANT. It makes him anxious. The other women are “just sex”. He admitted his last relationship failed for the same reason. AND his 26 year marriage as well. I don’t know if he’s been diagnosed....he’s been married so long he’s just now putting puzzle pieces together with having new experiences with women. He sees a therapist for depression, etc. He has abuse issues from childhood. He’s not a total mentally healthy person. He texts me general boring stuff (good morning, etc) almost daily...but nothing too mushy....an occasional breadcrumb now and then. I have learned not to text first. He hates making plans. If I see him, it’s always last minute stuff. I never ask to see him. It makes him squirm if the answer is “no”. Not because of my reaction....it just makes him uncomfortable. I realize that to the monogamous crowd, it’s easy to write off our relationship, not realizing how deep it is....even though it’s an open relationship. Which is why I deleted the OP. I was being written off as a crazy chick and he’s being diagnosed as a sex crazed Playboy who probably doesn’t give a shit about me. And NOBODY in our circle believes that for a minute. All these months I’ve felt frequently neglected, and many, many mutual friends have said he’s in love with me but doesn’t know how to handle it. Hey, sorry. I didn't catch you were poly. You seemed to talk a lot about him being with other girls (sexually and on fb and all that) and not with you and I assumed you were upset because wanted him emotionally and sexually for yourself. Sorry for the confusion but I never said you were crazy or whatever. Take off the exclusivity thing and my recommendation is the same. Even if you're poly he has to meet you at least halfway in your needs. You both have to communicate and be willing to push your fears. In this case, you have to be honest yo yourself and him and talk about your needs and problems when attaching. Sadly, if you cannot be the secure anchor for you and him and if he's not willing to work for it and for his own issues it will not be possible. I know It hurts a lot, believe me, but you must need to be your own best friend in this. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 21, 2018 18:17:49 GMT
You weren't getting judged for being poly. I'm not poly, but have friends who are. A healthy set of poly relationships are all about transparency, open communication, and respect.
But then you get a large slew of people who can't have healthy relationships, poly or otherwise, and use multiple partners to escape intimacy rather than share it. Sounds to me like your guy is in this bucket.
I'd agree he is more likely to be FA. That's why I brought up the comparison earlier. However, the overarching message you got was that it doesn't matter. He's driving you batty enough that you're shifting out of secure to AP (not that uncommon a thing to happen with long term FA partners who aren't healing), and it's making you deeply unhappy. Based on what you've said, he's just starting to question himself and hasn't really decided yet if he's ready for the incredibly hard work to unpack the abuse and other factors that go into developing insecure attachment. A very long marriage and prior steady partnership didn't "fix" this. If he's just becoming aware now, he's been avoiding it his entire life. Why will you be the one to undo years and years of ingrained behaviors in someone else?
That's not to say that he can't address his issues, but you can't *expect* him to do it. You can lightly suggest he explore attachment theory with his therapist, and that FA may particularly resonate with him, but that's it. Everything else for you to do to cope focuses on you. Acting securely, having solid boundaries, being consistent, and deciding if how he is right at this moment could ever be enough for you. If not, you need to leave, not compromise yourself to keep him in your life.
My FA ex did the same to me. Whenever we get really serious, he loses sexual interest in me and pushes me away romantically (but not emotionally), dumping me with a friend downgrade if I don't leave on my own. We've gone through this twice in 2.5 years, and while I did an enormous amount of self-work during that period, he has not so nothing really changed. I have different goals than you do, so I can't stick around because I want to start a family... but even if that were not the case, I deserve better than cycling and recycling. Don't you?
I know you want to support him, but your posts read that you hope he will change. Unfortunately, in attachment style situations like this, compromising yourself to be nice and supporting is actually enabling. He'll stay stuck until he decides not to be, and will keep you stuck with him if you'll allow it. That's not your fault, but it's the reason why you need to focus on yourself and what you want. Unfortunately, insecure partners often are not able to show up to meet you to do this because they're not even in a healthy place yet to do it for themselves.
Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2018 18:40:18 GMT
You weren't getting judged for being poly. I'm not poly, but have friends who are. A healthy set of poly relationships are all about transparency, open communication, and respect. But then you get a large slew of people who can't have healthy relationships, poly or otherwise, and use multiple partners to escape intimacy rather than share it. Sounds to me like your guy is in this bucket. I'd agree he is more likely to be FA. That's why I brought up the comparison earlier. However, the overarching message you got was that it doesn't matter. He's driving you batty enough that you're shifting out of secure to AP (not that uncommon a thing to happen with long term FA partners who aren't healing), and it's making you deeply unhappy. Based on what you've said, he's just starting to question himself and hasn't really decided yet if he's ready for the incredibly hard work to unpack the abuse and other factors that go into developing insecure attachment. A very long marriage and prior steady partnership didn't "fix" this. If he's just becoming aware now, he's been avoiding it his entire life. Why will you be the one to undo years and years of ingrained behaviors in someone else? That's not to say that he can't address his issues, but you can't *expect* him to do it. You can lightly suggest he explore attachment theory with his therapist, and that FA may particularly resonate with him, but that's it. Everything else for you to do to cope focuses on you. Acting securely, having solid boundaries, being consistent, and deciding if how he is right at this moment could ever be enough for you. If not, you need to leave, not compromise yourself to keep him in your life. My FA ex did the same to me. Whenever we get really serious, he loses sexual interest in me and pushes me away romantically (but not emotionally), dumping me with a friend downgrade if I don't leave on my own. We've gone through this twice in 2.5 years, and while I did an enormous amount of self-work during that period, he has not so nothing really changed. I have different goals than you do, so I can't stick around because I want to start a family... but even if that were not the case, I deserve better than cycling and recycling. Don't you? I know you want to support him, but your posts read that you hope he will change. Unfortunately, in attachment style situations like this, compromising yourself to be nice and supporting is actually enabling. He'll stay stuck until he decides not to be, and will keep you stuck with him if you'll allow it. That's not your fault, but it's the reason why you need to focus on yourself and what you want. Unfortunately, insecure partners often are not able to show up to meet you to do this because they're not even in a healthy place yet to do it for themselves. Good luck! yep. and what lilyg expressed. my original points stand as well. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 21, 2018 20:23:34 GMT
It's possible. But he may just be a person who uses drugs to cope with anxiety. He's more than his attachment style.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2018 20:26:55 GMT
Thank you. These responses have been helpful. I don’t think I need to go NC (that would be nearly impossible as o see him at parties, etc). But I CAN stop cuddling. I CAN stop sleeping over. Also, every time he’s with me, he chooses to be stoned. I like being stoned with him....it makes me feel relaxed and loving. But when HES stoned, it seems to allow him to zone out. Like, he’ll let ME touch and snuggle all I want. But the next day when I look back, I realize that I was the one doing all the touching. And the last few times we had sex, I was on top doing all the work. Do some FAs use drugs to alleviate their anxiety in a relationship? I don’t want 1/2 of him anymore during interactions if marijuana is a crutch. Which I guess doesn’t even matter if I put up boundaries. it all boils down to emotional unavailability, and the remedy in my experience is to become fully, wholly, emotionally available to yourself to be able to understand and cultivate what you truly need in your relationships. welcome to the boards  |
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 21, 2018 23:46:39 GMT
Regardless of whether you are "open" or monogamous or something else, both people need to be on the same page and agree with how it's going to be done. It sounds to me like a major issue here is that the two of you just aren't on the same page. Secrets, no secrets-- the important thing is you both agree and mean it when you agree (not that people can never change their mind, just as long as you're really being honest with yourself about what you're willing to tolerate).
Have you been able to articulate what you want and have him respond?
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Post by ocarina on Aug 22, 2018 19:39:34 GMT
In my experience drugs - be it alcohol, weed or whatever, are often used as a way of avoiding being vulnerable and emotionally available.
It's fine to be close to someone and vulnerable when under the influence of something because in essence it's not really you there. In order to really feel, be present, you need to be able to access yourself clearly and as soon as you take something mind altering, you're just not there. As Juniper says it's a form of emotional unavailability that some people use as a way to escape something - pain, intimacy, shame, past stuff - whatever.....
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