Post by greengurl99 on Aug 23, 2018 5:19:25 GMT
Hi! I just discovered about attachment styles a week ago after kinda ending things with a guy and been reading about them ever since.
I found out my dating attachment style is Anxious/Preoccupied which explains A LOT about my behavior, especially with this guy. I have been trying to figure out which one he is. I'm pretty sure he's an Avoidant, I just don’t know if he’s a Dismissive or Fearful. I've been tempted to reach out even tho I kinda ended things with him.
I think most people would say to move on and/or block him but I would like thoughts/POV from avoidants before I do that.
I’ll try my best to summarize and get to the point as much as possible although I do apologize for the length in advance.
Background about me: Late bloomer to the dating scene... didn't really start dating until about 2 years ago I was 24/25. I've been with guys and gone dates but never had a guy I can call my boyfriend. I'm actually really aloof when it comes to guys but once when I fall for someone, I fall for them hard. There's only been two guys I've truly liked and he is the second.
Background on him: Was in a long-term relationship w/ high school gf for over 10 yrs... even bought a house together. She left when they were about 27 (3/4 years ago). Didn't talk about it unless it came up naturally and even then didn't really give much details or talk bad about her. Just said it was bad and didn't know why he stayed for so long. He even said there would be times when he wouldn't come home at all. He said would go to the bar near his house after work and get hammered to avoid going home. There would be times were he checked out of the relationship and went off did his own thing with other girls. (Avoidant traits here?)
Background on us: Started going out late last year, was unsure of him until the 4th date. That's when I started liking him. Felt like I could be myself and at ease with him. We were together, we were really good but he was “too busy” and inconsistent for months. Exclusivity wasn't established so I would try to date other guys to keep my options open but was never interested in them enough bc of him. When I would try to move on or ignore him, he would always come back and end up "chasing" me (it's happened like 5 times)... I finally told him that if I couldn’t call him my boyfriend then I don’t want to continue bc I don’t want to give boyfriend benefits to someone who isn’t trying to be it. He said he understood and just needed to get to know me better before making that commitment.
Behavior: He was persistent and put more effort into me. We started seeing each other 3-4 times a week, if not more and days in a row. I'd let him initiate and let him set the pace on how often to see each other. I did ask him to call and text me more so he started calling me everyday after he got off work and we'd talk for at least half an hour about anything and everything. There were even times when we would spend 2 hours or more on the phone. He was becoming my go-to person. He texted me throughout the day, he would waited for me after he got off work so we could go home together, etc. Since we both speak Spanish he started using pet names with me such as mi amor, mi nena, preciosa, etc but thru text. He also “te quiero mucho” also thru text which Spanish can either be strong like or love. He was physically close to me and affectionate in bed. We would cuddle all night along even when we didn’t have sex. We even talked about taking a week long road trip together for my upcoming bday. There's more examples of him being into me and pursuing me but I think you get the idea.
He acted like a boyfriend, to a certain extent. One of the issues was that he refused to sleep over my house saying he had a hard time sleeping somewhere else. He’d make passive aggressive comments when I wouldn’t go over his house and about how I wasn't making enough of an effort. This lead to us talking on the phone about where things were. He said he wasn't ready for the title. I told him fine but we needed to be exclusive with one another so no looking, talking, or sleeping with other people and he agreed. I asked him what would he say if he was out and someone asked him and he said taken. Although we talked in person and on the phone, he preferred text for more difficult discussions.
Breaking Point: A few days later after that conversation, I found out that about a girl he wasn't serious with. He didn't give her the gf title nor did she meet his family, they were on and off for a while. She passed away around the time he started putting effort into me. I felt like Plan B who suddenly became Plan A. I felt insecure. I called him on the phone being SUPER emotional. I wanted reassurance that this was going into bf/gf territory but he wouldn’t. He later called me that afternoon so I asked him what the issue his was. He said, "I don't know, I just don't want to be tied down right now" and I said "Well, you're kinda already acting like a bf so what? You just don't want those emotional responsibilities?" and he said yes. He even said that we didn't need to have sex and just be friends. Ouch. I told him I needed to figure out how I want him in my life and if I could be friends with him. Bc of how incredibly emotional and insecure I was, I was surprised that he didn’t cut me off right then and there.
He texted me later on that night and also sent me bf/gf memes over Instagram (something we'd both send to each other). The AP in me got triggered and I didn't respond. He then texted, "Hope we can at least hang out as friends at the of the day." And then other one, "You can at least tell me you don't want to talk to me instead of ignoring me." I still didn't respond. I didn't know if I could about continue without a commitment or just be friends plus I felt bad for the girl but I also wasn't ready to let go of him either. The next night, I ended up going out for dinner and drinks with a gf and I posted it on social media (subconscious AP move that bit me).
The next day he again sent me bf/gf memes about how I'm special to him, that the only other girls he's talking are my other personalities (jokingly), and even one about him getting ghosted by me when he tried to open up. I was confused. I knew a text was coming and I was right. He first said, "Hello" but I didn't respond. Shortly after, he texted saying “my intention was never to hurt you. Hope you find someone who has the same feelings as you.” Of course this sent me into panic mode. I called him but he didn’t answer and texted back saying “I’m not playing this game. I’m done. Don't to be with a girl who ignored me all weekend but posted pics of her going out." We went back and forth texting and he brought up being ignored 5 times. I apologized and eventually he asked me to come over his house which I did. When I got there he kissed me but he looked upset. We didn't talk about it about the issue but I did see Tinder on his phone's lock screen when I picked it up off the floor later that night but I didn't want to start something so I kept it to myself.
The next day he started acting distant. I texted him the following day again asking if he was mad at me still and he said no. I told him that if he if didn’t want to date me anymore to just tell me and not do the slow fade. He said he just doesn’t know what he wants right now. We texted more and he said that he doesn't want to play games bc it seemed like I was, he's not one to chase shit, and he wants to start over as friends. He even asked me what do I see in him bc he has to protect himself too. I told him that so much shit had happened btwn him and his ex that he's worried about putting himself out there again so it's easier to turn his emotions off and he said pretty much.
I told him I want to date him but I could only do so much as he allows me. He said that he needs some free time to himself but that doesn't mean he is out looking for anyone else. He just wants to enjoy himself without having to answer to anybody. I told him I get that but at the end of the day I would want to be there for him, to be his go-to person, the one he can be himself with, the one he can tell everything to (sappy I know). He just said that he needed some time to figure out what he wants. I asked him where do we go from here and said hang out and get to know each other more. I said that I still wanted to see him on a consistent basis and he said he wanted to see me too but I made it harder for him to go out of his way.
He came over to my house a few days later (but didn't sleep over) and we went to dinner. We agreed to hang out a few days later and when I texted him the day of asking, he didn't respond. I gave him a couple hours but I saw he was on Instagram and was ignoring my texts. I then started thinking if he was with another girl (bc I had seen tinder on his phone) so in my frustration and insecurity (AP mode activated) I texted him if he had a plan b, that his behavior reminded of before, and that I wasn’t gonna stick around if he’s talking to other girls. Then I texted him saying he was a hypocrite as he was always calling me out on not getting back to his texts. He finally texted back saying he wasn’t ignoring me. He was just tired and tried to flip it on me that he's used to me ignoring him. I told him he was being distant so it was hard not to think someone else had his attention. He said he wasn’t talking to other girls.
Break up: The next morning I texted him asking him what his issue was with me. He didn’t respond until that night saying "I just think we moved too fast." I texted back the next day asking if he still wanted to talked to me or slow down or what so I can move on. I got nothing. It was radio silence on his part on everything, including Instagram. A couple days later I called him apologizing for pushing a relationship. We saw each other a few days later and it was fine but he wasn't calling me and texting me during the day but I figured I needed to give him time. I wanted things to go back as before especially with the consistency and I figured I would let him come to me and dictate the pace.
A week later after that phone call and a few days later after last time seeing each other, he texted me at midnight asking if I was up and if I wanted to come over. I felt so disrespected and I told him that I'm not a booty call. The next night, he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. I was still upset from the night before so I told him that he must be dumb to think I would go to the movies with him or over his house when he had barely been in contact with me. He said ok. Upset and ready to end things (or so what I tell myself) I texted him saying, "I pushed for a relationship with you bc I was also counting the time we had spent together we first started which was months ago. I told you I would give you time but if this is how it's distant it’s gonna be then forget it. I want a real relationship with someone I can call my boyfriend and them call me their girlfriend and I’m not gonna settle for less. I’m not gonna waste anymore time on someone who can’t be ready." All he said understood but still need to get his stuff back.
Later on that night thru liquid courage I ended up texting him, "I honestly wish it didn’t end like this. I care a lot about you... I legit was willing to give you some time but you’ve been so closed off. I accepted you and liked you with your flaws. I wasn’t trying to change you but you’re just so emotionally closed off that I can’t anymore."
Now: I thought that was the final nail in the coffin but a few days later he sent me memes (albeit stupid ones) thru Instagram. He has been sending them every couple days or so since then. He hasn't reached out me via text or phone call. My friends say that's he testing the waters and probably wanting me to reach out or something. I just don't really get it. I know I'm putting heavy emphasis on this Instagram stuff but it's been a pretty good gauge for me in the past telling me where he's at with things. When I've sent texts about not being on the same page and moving on or when I would ignore him, he would still send me stuff before he would end up "chasing" me. I'm also kinda waiting for him to reach out.
As I write this out, I'm sure this was/is the Anxious-Avoidant trap on some level. Deep down, I want to believe he will come around, however stupid that is of me to think. As an AP, I'm having hard time letting go and moving on. I want to cave in and reach out but I fight the urge everyday by reminding myself he said he hopes I find someone who has the same feelings as me. I even went on a date with a new guy last week but I realized I'm not ready to date anybody new until I'm over him.
I've been very upfront in communicating what I want to him—official relationship—so I feel like if he keeps coming back or contacts me, it's bc there's something there for him?
Unless, he's just that narcissistic and I just feed his ego? Like he knows I'll be there no matter what? Like did he even mean what he said or even cared about me at all? I sometimes also think he acted like this to push me away or get me end things with him bc he didn't want do it himself so he could still keep me as option.
To be completely honest, my hope would be that someone of you say there's still a chance but I'm also ready to accept advice especially from avoidants telling me let him go and move on.
And, I probably need therapy ASAP, but until then, this is what I'm wrestling with.
I found out my dating attachment style is Anxious/Preoccupied which explains A LOT about my behavior, especially with this guy. I have been trying to figure out which one he is. I'm pretty sure he's an Avoidant, I just don’t know if he’s a Dismissive or Fearful. I've been tempted to reach out even tho I kinda ended things with him.
I think most people would say to move on and/or block him but I would like thoughts/POV from avoidants before I do that.
I’ll try my best to summarize and get to the point as much as possible although I do apologize for the length in advance.
Background about me: Late bloomer to the dating scene... didn't really start dating until about 2 years ago I was 24/25. I've been with guys and gone dates but never had a guy I can call my boyfriend. I'm actually really aloof when it comes to guys but once when I fall for someone, I fall for them hard. There's only been two guys I've truly liked and he is the second.
Background on him: Was in a long-term relationship w/ high school gf for over 10 yrs... even bought a house together. She left when they were about 27 (3/4 years ago). Didn't talk about it unless it came up naturally and even then didn't really give much details or talk bad about her. Just said it was bad and didn't know why he stayed for so long. He even said there would be times when he wouldn't come home at all. He said would go to the bar near his house after work and get hammered to avoid going home. There would be times were he checked out of the relationship and went off did his own thing with other girls. (Avoidant traits here?)
Background on us: Started going out late last year, was unsure of him until the 4th date. That's when I started liking him. Felt like I could be myself and at ease with him. We were together, we were really good but he was “too busy” and inconsistent for months. Exclusivity wasn't established so I would try to date other guys to keep my options open but was never interested in them enough bc of him. When I would try to move on or ignore him, he would always come back and end up "chasing" me (it's happened like 5 times)... I finally told him that if I couldn’t call him my boyfriend then I don’t want to continue bc I don’t want to give boyfriend benefits to someone who isn’t trying to be it. He said he understood and just needed to get to know me better before making that commitment.
Behavior: He was persistent and put more effort into me. We started seeing each other 3-4 times a week, if not more and days in a row. I'd let him initiate and let him set the pace on how often to see each other. I did ask him to call and text me more so he started calling me everyday after he got off work and we'd talk for at least half an hour about anything and everything. There were even times when we would spend 2 hours or more on the phone. He was becoming my go-to person. He texted me throughout the day, he would waited for me after he got off work so we could go home together, etc. Since we both speak Spanish he started using pet names with me such as mi amor, mi nena, preciosa, etc but thru text. He also “te quiero mucho” also thru text which Spanish can either be strong like or love. He was physically close to me and affectionate in bed. We would cuddle all night along even when we didn’t have sex. We even talked about taking a week long road trip together for my upcoming bday. There's more examples of him being into me and pursuing me but I think you get the idea.
He acted like a boyfriend, to a certain extent. One of the issues was that he refused to sleep over my house saying he had a hard time sleeping somewhere else. He’d make passive aggressive comments when I wouldn’t go over his house and about how I wasn't making enough of an effort. This lead to us talking on the phone about where things were. He said he wasn't ready for the title. I told him fine but we needed to be exclusive with one another so no looking, talking, or sleeping with other people and he agreed. I asked him what would he say if he was out and someone asked him and he said taken. Although we talked in person and on the phone, he preferred text for more difficult discussions.
Breaking Point: A few days later after that conversation, I found out that about a girl he wasn't serious with. He didn't give her the gf title nor did she meet his family, they were on and off for a while. She passed away around the time he started putting effort into me. I felt like Plan B who suddenly became Plan A. I felt insecure. I called him on the phone being SUPER emotional. I wanted reassurance that this was going into bf/gf territory but he wouldn’t. He later called me that afternoon so I asked him what the issue his was. He said, "I don't know, I just don't want to be tied down right now" and I said "Well, you're kinda already acting like a bf so what? You just don't want those emotional responsibilities?" and he said yes. He even said that we didn't need to have sex and just be friends. Ouch. I told him I needed to figure out how I want him in my life and if I could be friends with him. Bc of how incredibly emotional and insecure I was, I was surprised that he didn’t cut me off right then and there.
He texted me later on that night and also sent me bf/gf memes over Instagram (something we'd both send to each other). The AP in me got triggered and I didn't respond. He then texted, "Hope we can at least hang out as friends at the of the day." And then other one, "You can at least tell me you don't want to talk to me instead of ignoring me." I still didn't respond. I didn't know if I could about continue without a commitment or just be friends plus I felt bad for the girl but I also wasn't ready to let go of him either. The next night, I ended up going out for dinner and drinks with a gf and I posted it on social media (subconscious AP move that bit me).
The next day he again sent me bf/gf memes about how I'm special to him, that the only other girls he's talking are my other personalities (jokingly), and even one about him getting ghosted by me when he tried to open up. I was confused. I knew a text was coming and I was right. He first said, "Hello" but I didn't respond. Shortly after, he texted saying “my intention was never to hurt you. Hope you find someone who has the same feelings as you.” Of course this sent me into panic mode. I called him but he didn’t answer and texted back saying “I’m not playing this game. I’m done. Don't to be with a girl who ignored me all weekend but posted pics of her going out." We went back and forth texting and he brought up being ignored 5 times. I apologized and eventually he asked me to come over his house which I did. When I got there he kissed me but he looked upset. We didn't talk about it about the issue but I did see Tinder on his phone's lock screen when I picked it up off the floor later that night but I didn't want to start something so I kept it to myself.
The next day he started acting distant. I texted him the following day again asking if he was mad at me still and he said no. I told him that if he if didn’t want to date me anymore to just tell me and not do the slow fade. He said he just doesn’t know what he wants right now. We texted more and he said that he doesn't want to play games bc it seemed like I was, he's not one to chase shit, and he wants to start over as friends. He even asked me what do I see in him bc he has to protect himself too. I told him that so much shit had happened btwn him and his ex that he's worried about putting himself out there again so it's easier to turn his emotions off and he said pretty much.
I told him I want to date him but I could only do so much as he allows me. He said that he needs some free time to himself but that doesn't mean he is out looking for anyone else. He just wants to enjoy himself without having to answer to anybody. I told him I get that but at the end of the day I would want to be there for him, to be his go-to person, the one he can be himself with, the one he can tell everything to (sappy I know). He just said that he needed some time to figure out what he wants. I asked him where do we go from here and said hang out and get to know each other more. I said that I still wanted to see him on a consistent basis and he said he wanted to see me too but I made it harder for him to go out of his way.
He came over to my house a few days later (but didn't sleep over) and we went to dinner. We agreed to hang out a few days later and when I texted him the day of asking, he didn't respond. I gave him a couple hours but I saw he was on Instagram and was ignoring my texts. I then started thinking if he was with another girl (bc I had seen tinder on his phone) so in my frustration and insecurity (AP mode activated) I texted him if he had a plan b, that his behavior reminded of before, and that I wasn’t gonna stick around if he’s talking to other girls. Then I texted him saying he was a hypocrite as he was always calling me out on not getting back to his texts. He finally texted back saying he wasn’t ignoring me. He was just tired and tried to flip it on me that he's used to me ignoring him. I told him he was being distant so it was hard not to think someone else had his attention. He said he wasn’t talking to other girls.
Break up: The next morning I texted him asking him what his issue was with me. He didn’t respond until that night saying "I just think we moved too fast." I texted back the next day asking if he still wanted to talked to me or slow down or what so I can move on. I got nothing. It was radio silence on his part on everything, including Instagram. A couple days later I called him apologizing for pushing a relationship. We saw each other a few days later and it was fine but he wasn't calling me and texting me during the day but I figured I needed to give him time. I wanted things to go back as before especially with the consistency and I figured I would let him come to me and dictate the pace.
A week later after that phone call and a few days later after last time seeing each other, he texted me at midnight asking if I was up and if I wanted to come over. I felt so disrespected and I told him that I'm not a booty call. The next night, he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. I was still upset from the night before so I told him that he must be dumb to think I would go to the movies with him or over his house when he had barely been in contact with me. He said ok. Upset and ready to end things (or so what I tell myself) I texted him saying, "I pushed for a relationship with you bc I was also counting the time we had spent together we first started which was months ago. I told you I would give you time but if this is how it's distant it’s gonna be then forget it. I want a real relationship with someone I can call my boyfriend and them call me their girlfriend and I’m not gonna settle for less. I’m not gonna waste anymore time on someone who can’t be ready." All he said understood but still need to get his stuff back.
Later on that night thru liquid courage I ended up texting him, "I honestly wish it didn’t end like this. I care a lot about you... I legit was willing to give you some time but you’ve been so closed off. I accepted you and liked you with your flaws. I wasn’t trying to change you but you’re just so emotionally closed off that I can’t anymore."
Now: I thought that was the final nail in the coffin but a few days later he sent me memes (albeit stupid ones) thru Instagram. He has been sending them every couple days or so since then. He hasn't reached out me via text or phone call. My friends say that's he testing the waters and probably wanting me to reach out or something. I just don't really get it. I know I'm putting heavy emphasis on this Instagram stuff but it's been a pretty good gauge for me in the past telling me where he's at with things. When I've sent texts about not being on the same page and moving on or when I would ignore him, he would still send me stuff before he would end up "chasing" me. I'm also kinda waiting for him to reach out.
As I write this out, I'm sure this was/is the Anxious-Avoidant trap on some level. Deep down, I want to believe he will come around, however stupid that is of me to think. As an AP, I'm having hard time letting go and moving on. I want to cave in and reach out but I fight the urge everyday by reminding myself he said he hopes I find someone who has the same feelings as me. I even went on a date with a new guy last week but I realized I'm not ready to date anybody new until I'm over him.
I've been very upfront in communicating what I want to him—official relationship—so I feel like if he keeps coming back or contacts me, it's bc there's something there for him?
Unless, he's just that narcissistic and I just feed his ego? Like he knows I'll be there no matter what? Like did he even mean what he said or even cared about me at all? I sometimes also think he acted like this to push me away or get me end things with him bc he didn't want do it himself so he could still keep me as option.
To be completely honest, my hope would be that someone of you say there's still a chance but I'm also ready to accept advice especially from avoidants telling me let him go and move on.
And, I probably need therapy ASAP, but until then, this is what I'm wrestling with.
he is not your fault. 
