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Post by exhausteddecay on Aug 23, 2018 19:55:35 GMT
My attachment type seems really disorganized because I would consider myself as standoffish with most people but
quite the opposite when I feel a lover pull away. I have been pursuing my ex (DA) who I've been with on and off again for over 7 years and recently he
has started to warm up to me. The more he warms up to me the more I am starting to feel detached from him. I don't find him as interesting or attractive. This is horrible! I love this person and have for many many years. I don't understand. I feel defective and don't know what to do.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 20:22:30 GMT
have you taken jeb's attachment type test?
or diane poole assessment?
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 26, 2018 0:12:10 GMT
Along with the tests, I wonder what books you've read that could help you gain a deeper understanding of the situation.
I also think part of working towards security is believing that things can shift without necessarily defining the relationship forever. So for example, you may be becoming less attracted to him as he warms up to you, but as you work on your own healing process and learn more about attachment theory and so on, you may end up re-attracted to him in new ways. Also in all long-term relationships there will be all sorts of ebbs and flows. Moving towards more secure means believing that, as opposed to thinking that some changes in your feelings are necessarily a crisis.
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Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 8:23:50 GMT
I think you are FA. I feel the same way...it is the push pull cycle where you want what you cant have.
Some part of you deeply fears love and connection, so it is easiest to have these feelings when the object of your affection is inaccessible....once it comes back it becomes real and threatening to engulf you. You might also be more in love with the fantasy of the other person than the reality, in part because the fantasy is ultimately under your control.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 9:24:19 GMT
My attachment type seems really disorganized because I would consider myself as standoffish with most people but quite the opposite when I feel a lover pull away. I have been pursuing my ex (DA) who I've been with on and off again for over 7 years and recently he has started to warm up to me. The more he warms up to me the more I am starting to feel detached from him. I don't find him as interesting or attractive. This is horrible! I love this person and have for many many years. I don't understand. I feel defective and don't know what to do. I'm FA. I'm the same. You have to stay mindful when you start detaching "I want to protect myself but it's not how I feel about him, don't push him away". |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 29, 2018 9:25:51 GMT
You might also be more in love with the fantasy of the other person than the reality, in part because the fantasy is ultimately under your control. Really interesting point! I've observed FA behavior that would fit right into that, and it's an explanation I'd believe. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 10:25:56 GMT
You might also be more in love with the fantasy of the other person than the reality, in part because the fantasy is ultimately under your control. Really interesting point! I've observed FA behavior that would fit right into that, and it's an explanation I'd believe. It don't think it's that... superficial. The fantasy could be present in the pulling stage- because there's a distance, it's easy to play with possibilities. I see it more as a regulatory tool. Just like detachment when they get too close. Being FA, I'm very much in love with my partner, not in the fantasy version of him. I'm also very much in love with him when I wish he left me alone. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2018 10:38:03 GMT
My attachment type seems really disorganized because I would consider myself as standoffish with most people but quite the opposite when I feel a lover pull away. I have been pursuing my ex (DA) who I've been with on and off again for over 7 years and recently he has started to warm up to me. The more he warms up to me the more I am starting to feel detached from him. I don't find him as interesting or attractive. This is horrible! I love this person and have for many many years. I don't understand. I feel defective and don't know what to do. I would definately consider what Anne12 has said...I am AP and I relate to the above. I think it can certainly feel very much like FA but you have to consider the original pursuing. As APs, we are not used to getting what we want consistently....and when we do get it, we don't trust it or even trust that it will last...so oftentimes, I will distance or detach. Welcome to your brain not overwhelmed by your attachment system going off. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 12:48:04 GMT
My attachment type seems really disorganized because I would consider myself as standoffish with most people but quite the opposite when I feel a lover pull away. I have been pursuing my ex (DA) who I've been with on and off again for over 7 years and recently he has started to warm up to me. The more he warms up to me the more I am starting to feel detached from him. I don't find him as interesting or attractive. This is horrible! I love this person and have for many many years. I don't understand. I feel defective and don't know what to do. I would definately consider what Anne12 has said...I am AP and I relate to the above. I think it can certainly feel very much like FA but you have to consider the original pursuing. As APs, we are not used to getting what we want consistently....and when we do get it, we don't trust it or even trust that it will last...so oftentimes, I will distance or detach. Welcome to your brain not overwhelmed by your attachment system going off. Huh, this is so confusing! I definitely experience this...like, if my lover came back into my arms I would be overjoyed, but also might immediately feel doubt as fear of commitment....so maybe this is the AP side of my FA coming out...or maybe I'm more AP at the end of the day. In terms of love...I don't even know if I know what love is. Btw, my test results said general FA but slight AP for romance, not sure if that really makes sense. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2018 12:56:06 GMT
I understand it is confusing..the important thing is to look at the overall pattern of your relationships versus just the last one. Were you the pursuer? When you were in the relationship did you crave closeness? Were you more triggered by time apart or time together?
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Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 13:21:30 GMT
I understand it is confusing..the important thing is to look at the overall pattern of your relationships versus just the last one. Were you the pursuer? When you were in the relationship did you crave closeness? Were you more triggered by time apart or time together? My partner was the pursuer in most past relationships. I was triggered by displays of emotion and commitment. Sorry OP, is this useful to you? I don't wish to hijack your thread. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 29, 2018 17:38:01 GMT
It don't think it's that... superficial. The fantasy could be present in the pulling stage- because there's a distance, it's easy to play with possibilities. I see it more as a regulatory tool. Just like detachment when they get too close. Being FA, I'm very much in love with my partner, not in the fantasy version of him. I'm also very much in love with him when I wish he left me alone. I didn't take it as superficial or even actually in love with the fantasy versus the person. But I see a marked comfort with the idea of a partner in the sense that the FA people I specifically have in mind don't feel engulfment or the guilt that comes with not being able to understand or meet a partner's needs and then feeling like they will only disappoint them when they have the space to idealize a partner, and I hadn't thought about how the fantasy version may just be easier to manage (also see: fantasy bond, which is a technical term). I was specifically considering it applying to three male FAs I know very well IRL who are also rather self absorbed and not the highest in maturity. There is a spectrum, though, which again I think is in no small part related to awareness and understanding of insecure attachment existing period. In fact, I also know FA women who are aware of their attachment style and don't do this past the very beginning of new relationships. |
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