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Post by lilyg on Aug 24, 2018 21:14:21 GMT
I've calmed down and I see this as such a dumb thing... and still I'm so anxious in losing him. I'm very positive I'm afraid and I WILL lose him if I keep feeling like this.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 23:10:14 GMT
lilyg i'm sorry it's been a rotten day, even as an avoidant sometimes i just want nothing more than to snuggle up to my man and soak up love and presence. so i get that. from his perspective, i see that his studies are stressing him and he needs to focus on that, i know you get it. one thing that may be hard to understand, from the outside, is how deactivation can happen when under non-relationship stress. i wrote about deactivation extensively on that one thread, because now i am so aware of it i can identify it and describe it. in the big picture of avoidants being ultra -responsible and keyed into tasks and responsibiiities first and foremost (for me, security comes from having my bases covered, and things taken care of, as a foundation for my life) , when a task is daunting or requires much focus,i deactivate from relationship until i feel i have it handled and either complete or manageable. I believe this comes the conditioning of being "on my own" even at a young age. it affects my ability to feel close and a part of a partnership. it's automatic, unbidden, and also not uncomfortable or distressing to me - i immerse into the task at hand and surface later when i have some resolution. it really is like goin underwater and gradually rising to the surface again in terms of being and feeling close with a partner. i've made some progress with this, being aware of it, but it's still natural for me. when deactivated for any reason, even though i am aware of it now, i have to let it resolve, it's so much physiological. the gentlest thing i can do for myself is ride it out, as i don't think or feel the same when i am on my little deactivation raft. it's so similar to the auto-pilot an anxious person describes when activated, but totally not anxious... just far away emotionally. the opposite of anxious. the space in my head and heart allow me to turn to what it is i feel i need to tend to, which is kind of a survival thing. that's what it is- when i need to take care of a survival issue, i don't feel close to or reach out for a partner, i need to go it alone. as my partner and i become ever more interdependent with ourselves, it has softened. but in some ways i think it's like a wild animal- that instinct will always be fairly prominent. so, considering it as not so much a chosen response, as an automatic response, i can see that he would be very distressed to be asked to alter his inclination to pull in and take care of business. when i am in that place it would be very difficult for me to plan an alternative and think forward to a make-up plan, because i am just not in that capacity at that time. i'm not in that mode. i am sure that is difficult to really grasp, and it's what makes avoidants struggle to meet typical expectations. it's something deeper in our psychology than just moving tasks around on a calendar- it's a deactivation in our nervous system. so, i can't say for sure he was deactivated, i don't know him, but it sure sounds like it, and like something i can relate to. he was not in "engage with girlfriend " mode. he was focused on studies and had a one track mind, and it must have felt somewhat urgent to him. texting extensively would have led to overwhelm, i'm certain. he couldn't do it. for an avoidant, overwhelm from a lot of words in conflict is very real, and there must be a correlation with the dynamics of our childhoods that shaped us. i can't put my finger on exactly what made me that specific way with input-overwhelm, but it's a big deal that is very hard to cope with. again, an avoidant quirk in our brains. i know when i had ptsd and was triggered to freeze my brain became very reptilian and it was difficult to communicate my thoughts, or to receive complex sentences or thoughts. my brain didn't process the same way as when relaxed. it's got to be related, something similar. anne12 posted a thread about healing dismissive attachment that mentioned it. when you just read it, as a non-avoidant, it may be impossible to grasp the severity of that symptom, but it jumped off the page for me because i know the overwhelm from extensive communication during conflicts is very distressing and difficult for me to cope with. anyway, that's my input on what he may be experiencing at times like this. also, texting during distress is so prone to escalation. i'm sure you understand that but you were triggered, and i understand. you both were, by different needs. yours to connect, his to disconnect and work. before the awareness i have now and the hard work i have done, i think i would have had a very difficult if not impossible time understanding and explaining this internal mechanism of deactivation. i'm sure i would have responded much the same way in kind of an overwhelmed paralysis. few words, a feeling of shut down, and a simple plea of "can this stop, i'm stressed. i'm not at my most able, on terms of relating, when i'm deactivated. it's an altered state deep inside me.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 25, 2018 3:11:17 GMT
I think it was incredibly brave for you to speak your side of things..even while understanding that he may view things differently. Gosh, the fearofabandonment is strong isn't it...the concept that one argument,one misunderstanding, one poorly timed text or call could cause theotherperson to throw in the towel. As much compassion as you have for him, please be equally understanding towards yourself..after all..you are human. Hugs.
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Post by kelvain on Aug 25, 2018 4:52:33 GMT
You deserve better. If you stay with him, you will have an entire future ahead filled with crap like this. I lived it for 10 years with my ex DA. There is nothing you can do to make it work any better. I got out and now when I look back I wonder what the check was I thinking. One thing about dealing with a DA when you're an AP is that it's always your fault and it's always on their terms.
I know I'll get flack for this post but what the heck. Just saying it how I see it from my perspective.
Wishing you well
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 7:16:41 GMT
lilyg i'm sorry it's been a rotten day, even as an avoidant sometimes i just want nothing more than to snuggle up to my man and soak up love and presence. so i get that. from his perspective, i see that his studies are stressing him and he needs to focus on that, i know you get it. one thing that may be hard to understand, from the outside, is how deactivation can happen when under non-relationship stress. i wrote about deactivation extensively on that one thread, because now i am so aware of it i can identify it and describe it. in the big picture of avoidants being ultra -responsible and keyed into tasks and responsibiiities first and foremost (for me, security comes from having my bases covered, and things taken care of, as a foundation for my life) , when a task is daunting or requires much focus,i deactivate from relationship until i feel i have it handled and either complete or manageable. I believe this comes the conditioning of being "on my own" even at a young age. it affects my ability to feel close and a part of a partnership. it's automatic, unbidden, and also not uncomfortable or distressing to me - i immerse into the task at hand and surface later when i have some resolution. it really is like goin underwater and gradually rising to the surface again in terms of being and feeling close with a partner. i've made some progress with this, being aware of it, but it's still natural for me. when deactivated for any reason, even though i am aware of it now, i have to let it resolve, it's so much physiological. the gentlest thing i can do for myself is ride it out, as i don't think or feel the same when i am on my little deactivation raft. it's so similar to the auto-pilot an anxious person describes when activated, but totally not anxious... just far away emotionally. the opposite of anxious. the space in my head and heart allow me to turn to what it is i feel i need to tend to, which is kind of a survival thing. that's what it is- when i need to take care of a survival issue, i don't feel close to or reach out for a partner, i need to go it alone. as my partner and i become ever more interdependent with ourselves, it has softened. but in some ways i think it's like a wild animal- that instinct will always be fairly prominent. so, considering it as not so much a chosen response, as an automatic response, i can see that he would be very distressed to be asked to alter his inclination to pull in and take care of business. when i am in that place it would be very difficult for me to plan an alternative and think forward to a make-up plan, because i am just not in that capacity at that time. i'm not in that mode. i am sure that is difficult to really grasp, and it's what makes avoidants struggle to meet typical expectations. it's something deeper in our psychology than just moving tasks around on a calendar- it's a deactivation in our nervous system. so, i can't say for sure he was deactivated, i don't know him, but it sure sounds like it, and like something i can relate to. he was not in "engage with girlfriend " mode. he was focused on studies and had a one track mind, and it must have felt somewhat urgent to him. texting extensively would have led to overwhelm, i'm certain. he couldn't do it. for an avoidant, overwhelm from a lot of words in conflict is very real, and there must be a correlation with the dynamics of our childhoods that shaped us. i can't put my finger on exactly what made me that specific way with input-overwhelm, but it's a big deal that is very hard to cope with. again, an avoidant quirk in our brains. i know when i had ptsd and was triggered to freeze my brain became very reptilian and it was difficult to communicate my thoughts, or to receive complex sentences or thoughts. my brain didn't process the same way as when relaxed. it's got to be related, something similar. anne12 posted a thread about healing dismissive attachment that mentioned it. when you just read it, as a non-avoidant, it may be impossible to grasp the severity of that symptom, but it jumped off the page for me because i know the overwhelm from extensive communication during conflicts is very distressing and difficult for me to cope with. anyway, that's my input on what he may be experiencing at times like this. also, texting during distress is so prone to escalation. i'm sure you understand that but you were triggered, and i understand. you both were, by different needs. yours to connect, his to disconnect and work. before the awareness i have now and the hard work i have done, i think i would have had a very difficult if not impossible time understanding and explaining this internal mechanism of deactivation. i'm sure i would have responded much the same way in kind of an overwhelmed paralysis. few words, a feeling of shut down, and a simple plea of "can this stop, i'm stressed. i'm not at my most able, on terms of relating, when i'm deactivated. it's an altered state deep inside me. Thank you so much, juniper, your input is always amazing. I'm reading the post you tagged me, it's very interesting. The thing is, I get it but I guess I don't get it. I have a very stressful job and well... since I have taken care of myself since very young I now have to deal with lots of 'adult things' most people my age haven't deal with, so I'm often in a place in which yeah, I go into 'survival mode'. My main fear is not being able to take care of myself  But yes, maybe I don't get the intensity of it when being avoidant... and I guess yes, I view myself in a partnership in which we support each other, that's why I was trying to tell him but I guess these things are learned with time and practice and not long-ass texts. I was thinking at night about it and I underestimated his stress. I really think I said nothing bad, quite the contrary, but maybe even that was too much. I know he didn't want to engage but well, it hurted me when he told me 'you don't need to react this way if I need time for other things'. Which really, I think that was uncalled for and very unfair. I give him plenty of time for him to focus on his things, we've never fought about this, I told him I understood he needed time but that I hoped to see him this weekend as it was important for me too. I'm not that juvenile, c'mon. So I wrote more, but to tell him I was not that mad nor I was bashing him, I was simply stating something reasonable. I was telling myself I did wrong for trying to explain myself through texts but frankly, he told me I should tell him when I feel him distant/deactivating so we can work on it. I guess it's as you said, he was in a place where he need to be alone and that's it. Yes he shut down and I feel terrible about taking him there... I honestly didn't mean it. Yes I was trying to connect while he needed to be alone. So he got overwhelmed and I felt rejected. But now I feel like I should have known better and I was trying to end the converstation in a nice way so I didn't felt bad about him being mad instead of respecting his need of space. So now... I don't know, I'll probably just write him later today hoping he's feeling better and that I'm sorry to have contributed to his stress with a stupid dog photo, and... leave it like that until we can talk about it. Would you need space after this? I guess so. God I always think I have this, that I understand him but then these things happen I mess up. He's making a lot of effort and I thank him for that. I'll go to see some friends later today so I'll try to relax. One thing I told him that I think we should both keep in mind is that we should always think that we should see each other's behaviours with the best intention possible. If we cannot do it, this won't work. Thank you! I understand much better with your input |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 7:24:09 GMT
You deserve better. If you stay with him, you will have an entire future ahead filled with crap like this. I lived it for 10 years with my ex DA. There is nothing you can do to make it work any better. I got out and now when I look back I wonder what the check was I thinking. One thing about dealing with a DA when you're an AP is that it's always your fault and it's always on their terms. I know I'll get flack for this post but what the heck. Just saying it how I see it from my perspective. Wishing you well He's not your ex.... lilyg, honesty is good and needed but you have to remember that he always will have his NEEDS and it's nothing personal. DA or not I think it's quite reasonable to choose studying over watching a movie with someone who will not disappear. Even if he was deactivating...He was stressed, he's DA... being alone is how he soothes himself, how he remains calm. It's a good thing but you have to leave him alone, not put pressure on him or he won't be able to soothe himself until you're gone completely. Just remember it's not about you. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 7:34:21 GMT
I think it was incredibly brave for you to speak your side of things..even while understanding that he may view things differently. Gosh, the fearofabandonment is strong isn't it...the concept that one argument,one misunderstanding, one poorly timed text or call could cause theotherperson to throw in the towel. As much compassion as you have for him, please be equally understanding towards yourself..after all..you are human. Hugs. Thank you tnr9, I've seen you around the forum and you're a very good contributor Yes, I'm trying to understand myself too. I know I've a deeped rooted abandonment issue since I was 12 that has everything to do with the death of my parents, even if I'm 'secure' (I'm not feeling very secure these days). I know I'm more insecure with him because well... he flees. But I know we were both triggered yesterday, Ijust wish we could communicate better. And yes, although I understand him and feel for him, today it is making me feel sad. But I'm an adult and adults cannot be abandoned. I always talk about my side, I guess is a problem sometimes He knows I'm very transparent and I always tell him what I need, even if sometimes I put him first. I know he sometimes puts me first too. It's just the way we communicate that may be the problem. I hope. Yes I was scared but you know? I know I'll be okay, even if he decides to throw the towel. It'll be incredibly sad for me, but I cannot control everything and frankly, I know good love it's about choosing one another everyday, before others and before our own wounds. Thank you so much for this message, you're very nice! |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 7:35:12 GMT
You deserve better. If you stay with him, you will have an entire future ahead filled with crap like this. I lived it for 10 years with my ex DA. There is nothing you can do to make it work any better. I got out and now when I look back I wonder what the check was I thinking. One thing about dealing with a DA when you're an AP is that it's always your fault and it's always on their terms. I know I'll get flack for this post but what the heck. Just saying it how I see it from my perspective. Wishing you well He's not your ex.... lilyg, honesty is good and needed but you have to remember that he always will have his NEEDS and it's nothing personal. DA or not I think it's quite reasonable to choose studying over watching a movie with someone who will not disappear. Even if he was deactivating...He was stressed, he's DA... being alone is how he soothes himself, how he remains calm. It's a good thing but you have to leave him alone, not put pressure on him or he won't be able to soothe himself until you're gone completely. Just remember it's not about you. I totally get it! yes, he has his needs and I understand. I also need space for myself and time to see my friends and work, so I understand. I told him that but I also told him that cancelling the same day well... it was not ok but I get it. It was the way he reacted that made me become anxious, not that he didn't want to go out, and I was a dumbass for trying to soothe him and me and explain myself instead of letting go and talking today. So yes, I know it's totally reasonable to stay because he needed to study and I've profusely apologised if I stressed him out more. It's just the way that he reacted that made me feel bad. As Juniper said, he was just stressed and focusing on his own things and not in the mood to talk. I'm just worried I cried for this, I know there's something more going on inside of me. I felt rejected and I got scared. This never happens to me but I guess after breaking up before I'm not that chill and I'm messing up. I know he soothes himself like this, I won't take it personally. Thank you so much for your message. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 8:02:40 GMT
He's not your ex.... lilyg, honesty is good and needed but you have to remember that he always will have his NEEDS and it's nothing personal. DA or not I think it's quite reasonable to choose studying over watching a movie with someone who will not disappear. Even if he was deactivating...He was stressed, he's DA... being alone is how he soothes himself, how he remains calm. It's a good thing but you have to leave him alone, not put pressure on him or he won't be able to soothe himself until you're gone completely. Just remember it's not about you. I totally get it! yes, he has his needs and I understand. I also need space for myself and time to see my friends and work, so I understand. I told him that but I also told him that cancelling the same day well... it was not ok but I get it. It was the way he reacted that made me become anxious, not that he didn't want to go out, and I was a dumbass for trying to soothe him and me and explain myself instead of letting go and talking today. So yes, I know it's totally reasonable to stay because he needed to study and I've profusely apologised if I stressed him out more. It's just the way that he reacted that made me feel bad. As Juniper said, he was just stressed and focusing on his own things and not in the mood to talk. I'm just worried I cried for this, I know there's something more going on inside of me. I felt rejected and I got scared. This never happens to me but I guess after breaking up before I'm not that chill and I'm messing up. I know he soothes himself like this, I won't take it personally. Thank you so much for your message. From my experience... worrying that you messed up messes things up. Especially with DAs. It triggers you, you fear they'll leave, you try to fix things up... here's a trick- you both have very different ways of fixing things. It's where you differ. So I'd advice to be honest about your needs (but state how it is instead of freaking out) but when you mess up try to fix things using his way and when he messes up expect (inform him that is) from him to fix things using your way... or something like this. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 8:19:54 GMT
You deserve better. If you stay with him, you will have an entire future ahead filled with crap like this. I lived it for 10 years with my ex DA. There is nothing you can do to make it work any better. I got out and now when I look back I wonder what the check was I thinking. One thing about dealing with a DA when you're an AP is that it's always your fault and it's always on their terms. I know I'll get flack for this post but what the heck. Just saying it how I see it from my perspective. Wishing you well You won't get flack for this at least for me. I can get the feeling of 'this is always your fault, always on my terms' I was with a guy like that and he was, to say the least, abusive in many ways. I'm very glad I'm out, that person will never change. The thing is my boyfriend knows when he messes up and apologises, and we often can talk through things. He's aware of his needs and actions as well as I'm aware, and Isometimes don't react my best. We all mess up sometimes. I'm far from perfect. I'm not AP but yes, sometimes this pushes me to feel anxious. I'm now anxious with him breaking up with me (because we've broke up on the past) but I promised myself and him to tell how I felt and thought so we can make it work. I know I need time to feel secure again, I've talked with him about it and asked him to be patient with me. I hope he can. I'm always trying to return to my secure core even if I'm stressed because I know it's the key for my own happiness. I understand what are you saying, though, and I've actually talked with Jeb about this. I'm willing to work on it if he's also willing. I love him, I love the person he is and we're best friends. I don't want to be with somebody else. He's shown me he's doing his best so I know sometimes I'll have to step up too. This is a two-way street. I know I'll feel extremely lonely sometimes, I know I'll feel frustrated. I know he'll be frustrated with me sometimes too. I guess it's normal in all relationships. I don't know what else to say, but I wish you well too. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 8:33:07 GMT
I totally get it! yes, he has his needs and I understand. I also need space for myself and time to see my friends and work, so I understand. I told him that but I also told him that cancelling the same day well... it was not ok but I get it. It was the way he reacted that made me become anxious, not that he didn't want to go out, and I was a dumbass for trying to soothe him and me and explain myself instead of letting go and talking today. So yes, I know it's totally reasonable to stay because he needed to study and I've profusely apologised if I stressed him out more. It's just the way that he reacted that made me feel bad. As Juniper said, he was just stressed and focusing on his own things and not in the mood to talk. I'm just worried I cried for this, I know there's something more going on inside of me. I felt rejected and I got scared. This never happens to me but I guess after breaking up before I'm not that chill and I'm messing up. I know he soothes himself like this, I won't take it personally. Thank you so much for your message. From my experience... worrying that you messed up messes things up. Especially with DAs. It triggers you, you fear they'll leave, you try to fix things up... here's a trick- you both have very different ways of fixing things. It's where you differ. So I'd advice to be honest about your needs (but state how it is instead of freaking out) but when you mess up try to fix things using his way and when he messes up expect (inform him that is) from him to fix things using your way... or something like this. This is a good idea, I'll try to tell him this when we see each other. Yes, sometimes when this things happens when we talk we get the feeling of 'Well, this was stupid. I didn't mean this, I needed x or y'. He did told me to drop it because he was stressed so I did wishing him goodnight and to enjoy his saturday at the mountain (and thanking him for trying to have a lot of time with me these past weeks, and that I understood we'll have less time to see each other but that we'll enjoy it), but he was still stressed and a bit cold. But he answered everything so I see good will. So you hit the nail on the head. It's the problem, the way we fix things. We always talk very honestly and I thought it was working, maybe I just find it hard when it's through the phone. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 25, 2018 9:09:48 GMT
"I wrote and wrote about it (that I didn't meant to be stressful but that I was being honest, that I cared for him, that I loved him and supported his studies) and he was being like: 'Ok', 'I'm sorry', 'we are having a lot of time together' (we are) 'this is stressing me', I tried to reassure him but told him I felt bad about the cancelation and well... he was more and more stressed. Yes, I became needy. I finally told him I was sorry, that I was trying to reassure him but I felt I was making it worse and to have a good night. I don't want to check my phone anymore."
What´s up with the reassuring thing? How can you know, that he needed to be reassured?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 10:48:06 GMT
"I wrote and wrote about it (that I didn't meant to be stressful but that I was being honest, that I cared for him, that I loved him and supported his studies) and he was being like: 'Ok', 'I'm sorry', 'we are having a lot of time together' (we are) 'this is stressing me', I tried to reassure him but told him I felt bad about the cancelation and well... he was more and more stressed. Yes, I became needy. I finally told him I was sorry, that I was trying to reassure him but I felt I was making it worse and to have a good night. I don't want to check my phone anymore."What´s up with the reassuring thing? How can you know, that he needed to be reassured? pointed out, that AP tend to attempt to emotionally regulate others, and would like help from others to emotionally regulate themselves. DA are opposite. we don't want help to regulate, we also want you to be able to regulate yourself. it's in the wiring. Another poster suggested that i need to adjust to another person's psychology... i didn't really hear her acknowledging that she might need to adjust to mine. For a DA, such attempts at regulating are not needed nor appreciated, and can be overwhelming and antrigger for our original trauma, especially given the person trying to reassure us doesn't understand what we need. Verbal reassurance that one cares about us and our studies, repeated and prolonged, contradicts care for us and our studies, if the person understands exactly what we do need. i would guess when he was receiving this reassurance he was thinking "if you care, why are you doing this? why don't you let me peacefully go and study, i am stressed, i told you so, and now...." it's a vast difference in need and psychology. im just trying to explain the reassurance thing from DA POV, not trying to make you feel bad. For me, that behavior is intrusive. Remember, we had enmeshment often as part of our parental trauma. Enmeshment is someone else getting in our heads and trying to squish things around in there, according to their own agenda. It's emotional assumptions and behavior to take action on those assumptions. and, we often were shamed for having needs. he was asserting his need and it went very badly. that's included in that post i tagged you in also. DA are accustomed to their valid needs inviting negative reactions- so it really does go both ways. So, those were your needs, for reassurance of love and care- but not his , he probably didn't doubt anything about that until things escalated. And, he needed time to study. that is a totally valid need that any student under pressure understands. I agree, that it wasn't time to assert your emotional needs, because it wasn't him saying "i don't want to go because i am just not in the mood. " It was a matter of his practical need vs your emotional need. As a matter of life, practical needs often do trump emotional needs due to the expectations of our educators, employers, mortgage holders, etc. it's a difference that will persist, because he will always prioritize practicalities over emotion. it's how he is wired. i'm sure it makes him amazing and not a monster in many ways (chuckling at the bitterness of kelvain over his ex-- DA are just the devil aren't we?!? all of us. 😂) so any way, i believe you do love and care for him. but don't minimize his internal mechanism- you might get it but not get it. don't become critical over his deactivation while struggling with your own activation. you cannot experience what he experiences, and the same is true in reverse. so it does take hurculean effort to find common ground, but i believe you are very sincere in your effort. I'm sorry, i know it's all very painful, but it's not personal, it's two creatures what thrive in very different habitats. hugs lilyg 🌸 |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 10:53:40 GMT
"I wrote and wrote about it (that I didn't meant to be stressful but that I was being honest, that I cared for him, that I loved him and supported his studies) and he was being like: 'Ok', 'I'm sorry', 'we are having a lot of time together' (we are) 'this is stressing me', I tried to reassure him but told him I felt bad about the cancelation and well... he was more and more stressed. Yes, I became needy. I finally told him I was sorry, that I was trying to reassure him but I felt I was making it worse and to have a good night. I don't want to check my phone anymore."What´s up with the reassuring thing? How can you know, that he needed to be reassured? I understood he was feeling not supported ('you cannot react this way if I need time for this' after he told me me he was stressed about something he was trying to do), maybe I got the wrong impression. He's changing careers and I know this is something difficult for him. I've tried to encourage him always and he's been grateful, but yeah 😊 But maybe he didn't need anything from me and just needed to be alone and deal with it, that's his way to sooth himself, and I felt guilty. But you're spot on, one reassurance should have been enough. That had to do with me. Today I wrote him to wish him a nice day and he responded like always so I guess everything's better. Thank you all for your support! |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 11:32:54 GMT
"I wrote and wrote about it (that I didn't meant to be stressful but that I was being honest, that I cared for him, that I loved him and supported his studies) and he was being like: 'Ok', 'I'm sorry', 'we are having a lot of time together' (we are) 'this is stressing me', I tried to reassure him but told him I felt bad about the cancelation and well... he was more and more stressed. Yes, I became needy. I finally told him I was sorry, that I was trying to reassure him but I felt I was making it worse and to have a good night. I don't want to check my phone anymore."What´s up with the reassuring thing? How can you know, that he needed to be reassured? pointed out, that AP tend to attempt to emotionally regulate others, and would like help from others to emotionally regulate themselves. DA are opposite. we don't want help to regulate, we also want you to be able to regulate yourself. it's in the wiring. Another poster suggested that i need to adjust to another person's psychology... i didn't really hear her acknowledging that she might need to adjust to mine. For a DA, such attempts at regulating are not needed nor appreciated, and can be overwhelming and antrigger for our original trauma, especially given the person trying to reassure us doesn't understand what we need. Verbal reassurance that one cares about us and our studies, repeated and prolonged, contradicts care for us and our studies, if the person understands exactly what we do need. i would guess when he was receiving this reassurance he was thinking "if you care, why are you doing this? why don't you let me peacefully go and study, i am stressed, i told you so, and now...." it's a vast difference in need and psychology. im just trying to explain the reassurance thing from DA POV, not trying to make you feel bad. For me, that behavior is intrusive. Remember, we had enmeshment often as part of our parental trauma. Enmeshment is someone else getting in our heads and trying to squish things around in there, according to their own agenda. It's emotional assumptions and behavior to take action on those assumptions. and, we often were shamed for having needs. he was asserting his need and it went very badly. that's included in that post i tagged you in also. DA are accustomed to their valid needs inviting negative reactions- so it really does go both ways. So, those were your needs, for reassurance of love and care- but not his , he probably didn't doubt anything about that until things escalated. And, he needed time to study. that is a totally valid need that any student under pressure understands. I agree, that it wasn't time to assert your emotional needs, because it wasn't him saying "i don't want to go because i am just not in the mood. " It was a matter of his practical need vs your emotional need. As a matter of life, practical needs often do trump emotional needs due to the expectations of our educators, employers, mortgage holders, etc. it's a difference that will persist, because he will always prioritize practicalities over emotion. it's how he is wired. i'm sure it makes him amazing and not a monster in many ways (chuckling at the bitterness of kelvain over his ex-- DA are just the devil aren't we?!? all of us. 😂) so any way, i believe you do love and care for him. but don't minimize his internal mechanism- you might get it but not get it. don't become critical over his deactivation while struggling with your own activation. you cannot experience what he experiences, and the same is true in reverse. so it does take hurculean effort to find common ground, but i believe you are very sincere in your effort. I'm sorry, i know it's all very painful, but it's not personal, it's two creatures what thrive in very different habitats. hugs lilyg 🌸 Yes, I totally get it. That's why I felt bad. He was struggling and I reacted wrong. I'm usually good at understanding him, this time it was not the case. I minimized his stress. No I'm not trying to minimize it at all, it must be really hard. I'm just trying to think of times I've felt stressed and smothered so I can get how he feels (even if it is not the same at all). I'm not critical, I'm actually worried about him and I feel sorry for not helping. Your posts helped me see what was going on. It was not my intention but yeah, he probably felt that of course I didn't care because I was nagging. I understanding it esa nota the messages but the situation that was uncomfortable/painful for him. And I actually like him being more practical than me 😊 I admire that and I think is really attractive. |
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But yes, maybe I don't get the intensity of it when being avoidant... and I guess yes, I view myself in a partnership in which we support each other, that's why I was trying to tell him but I guess these things are learned with time and practice and not long-ass texts. I was thinking at night about it and I underestimated his stress. I really think I said nothing bad, quite the contrary, but maybe even that was too much. I know he didn't want to engage but well, it hurted me when he told me 'you don't need to react this way if I need time for other things'. Which really, I think that was uncalled for and very unfair. I give him plenty of time for him to focus on his things, we've never fought about this, I told him I understood he needed time but that I hoped to see him this weekend as it was important for me too. I'm not that juvenile, c'mon.