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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 11:45:06 GMT
you're very kind and affectionate and sincere, and i'm sure he loves that about you!
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 12:20:02 GMT
you're very kind and affectionate and sincere, and i'm sure he loves that about you! 🌸 😊 Thank you so much. You're very kind too 💐 I know he deeply cares and loves me. I'm trying to understand his language to show him this, so he can feel relaxed and happy. I know he's doing the same for me. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 25, 2018 12:55:12 GMT
You were sad that he cancelled, you were afraid that he would dump you, because he have done this before ect. You have your own struggles in your life right now, that maybe are making you extra vulnerable. Does he know that?
Maybe you can ask him/tell him (when he is not so stressed) if you can make an agreement, that you need him to cancel some hours/a day in advance, because your time is also important to you ect. That you have this trigger about canceling/the way he said it, that makes you feeling anxious, because of what happend in the past. Try to keep it short, direct, and tell what you need him to do/say instead.
Remember, just because he is avoidant, you are also allowed to have needs, wants and boundaries. Do you know about the couple bubble and the two person system (Stan Tatkin)?
By the way, men in generel are tasked focused, and when they are stressed and occuppied about their job/carrer, it can be difficult for them to notice, what´s going on around them.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 13:55:51 GMT
You were sad that he cancelled, you were afraid that he would dump you, because he have done this before ect. Maybe you can ask him/tell him (when he is not so stressed) if you can make an agreement, that you need him to cancel some hours/a day in advance, because your time is also important to you ect. That you have this trigger about canceling/the way he said it, that makes you feeling anxious, because of what happend in the past. Try to keep it short, direct, and tell what you need him to do/say instead. Remember, just because he is avoidant, you are also allowed to have needs, wants and boundaries. Do you know about the couple bubble and the two person system (Stan Tatkin)? By the way, men in generel are tasked focused, and when they are stressed and occuppied about their job/carrer, it can be difficult for them to notice, what´s going on around them. yes! this. both of you have very valid needs. it would be super if we could all just get around it- but the fact is, all of us with insecure attachment have certain quirks and handicaps and it is very meaningful and transformational to be able to recognize, embrace, and work with them. i need love too, like you- thank God i eventually came to understand that. it happened gradually, as my partner and i covered each other with grace. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 14:12:40 GMT
You were sad that he cancelled, you were afraid that he would dump you, because he have done this before ect. Maybe you can ask him (when he is not so stressed) if you can make an agreement that you need him to cancel some hours/a day in advance, because your time i also important to you ect. That you have this trigger about canceling/the way he said it, that makes you feeling anxious because of what happend in the past. Just because he is avoidant, remember that you are also allowed to have needs, wants and boundaries. Do you know about the couple bubble (Stan Tatkin). By the way, men in generel are tasked focused, and when they are stressed, it is difficult for them to notice what´s going on around them. Yes, that's what I tried to do at first and he got angry (I guess because of his stress and by text not being the best way to comunicate it) and that's why I became anxious and started to apologise and everything. We'll talk about it calmly, I hope. Thank you for your input😊 you're right. Yes I always tell him how I feel/what I need. I wouldn't be in a relationship if I couldn't do that. I honestly think I was being nice but maybe it wasn't the right time. I cannot do anything more but give him space, even if I feel bad about this. I hope he understands the place I was coming from. I'll check the systems you've told me, thank you so much😊 |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 25, 2018 14:26:07 GMT
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 14:28:59 GMT
You were sad that he cancelled, you were afraid that he would dump you, because he have done this before ect. Maybe you can ask him/tell him (when he is not so stressed) if you can make an agreement, that you need him to cancel some hours/a day in advance, because your time is also important to you ect. That you have this trigger about canceling/the way he said it, that makes you feeling anxious, because of what happend in the past. Try to keep it short, direct, and tell what you need him to do/say instead. Remember, just because he is avoidant, you are also allowed to have needs, wants and boundaries. Do you know about the couple bubble and the two person system (Stan Tatkin)? By the way, men in generel are tasked focused, and when they are stressed and occuppied about their job/carrer, it can be difficult for them to notice, what´s going on around them. yes! this. both of you have very valid needs. it would be super if we could all just get around it- but the fact is, all of us with insecure attachment have certain quirks and handicaps and it is very meaningful and transformational to be able to recognize, embrace, and work with them. i need love too, like you- thank God i eventually came to understand that. it happened gradually, as my partner and i covered each other with grace. Sure, we both have very valid needs! I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to understand how to cover him while also taking care of me. I hope we can get where you and your partner are! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 14:31:13 GMT
i love the insight you've provided anne12, you have helped me make sense of things in myself that mystified even me. thank you. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 15:06:34 GMT
I have never heard of scuba diving in this way. I guess he was just really focused on his things and my text wasn't as good as I thought it was. But I'll look at this! This is everything I was trying to explain to him yesterday, it's perfect. It's what we need. That I respect his time and needs but that time with him was important to me too (I even told him last week that he should go to the mountain to ride because he loves it but hasn't been in a long time because of the weather). I wasn't trying to guilt-trip him. Then I just when downspiral in a sms verbal-diarreah of my respect and assurance and whatever. Maybe I will send him the link  Yes I hate to talk through text. Next time I'll call him. The thing is that while I want to give him space, I don't want for this to sit longer. I think it tends to drive people away. As the link of the couple bubble says, I think it's a terrible idea not to talk about it. At the same time I want to respect his space. Oh God, what to do haha. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 25, 2018 15:10:42 GMT
One thing that has helped me is to understand that men can only focus on one thing (single task). Alison Armstrong points out that a man cannot being doing something AND ignoring you because that would make him a multi tasker. (like women) juniper...I read your comments above about and practical needs versus emotional needs and a light bulb went off for me. Thank you. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 15:30:35 GMT
One thing that has helped me is to understand that men can only focus on one thing (single task). Alison Armstrong points out that a man cannot being doing something AND ignoring you because that would make him a multi tasker. (like women) juniper ...I read your comments above about and practical needs versus emotional needs and a light bulb went off for me. Thank you. yes!  i have noticed that many DA traits seem quite masculine, and as a woman, i am very in touch with my maternal instincts and enormous feelings, and my emotional side is as tender as the rest- but my mind operates very much like what is described for men. And tnr9, so glad the insight was helpful. it's really true- our DA needs are very practical at the forefront- and behind those practicalities is an emotional world that needs us to tend to the practicalities so we can lay down in the soft place, when our priorities are met. im not saying that other's needs and priorities aren't important, or welcome. im just saying, our natural way is to do it this way, as someone else's natural way might be to lead with emotion. both positions have merit! both positions add value to a relationship. finding the balance means doing some rewiring in both people. it's very much to ask of either partner in an "opposites " pairing, but if love , humility and respect prevails i think healing can occur. it takes the right dynamic and unflinching courage and will. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 25, 2018 16:18:09 GMT
I have never heard of scuba diving in this way. I guess he was just really focused on his things and my text wasn't as good as I thought it was. But I'll look at this! This is everything I was trying to explain to him yesterday, it's perfect. It's what we need. That I respect his time and needs but that time with him was important to me too (I even told him last week that he should go to the mountain to ride because he loves it but hasn't been in a long time because of the weather). I wasn't trying to guilt-trip him. Then I just when downspiral in a sms verbal-diarreah of my respect and assurance and whatever. Maybe I will send him the link Yes I hate to talk through text. Next time I'll call him. The thing is that while I want to give him space, I don't want for this to sit longer. I think it tends to drive people away. As the link of the couple bubble says, I think it's a terrible idea not to talk about it. At the same time I want to respect his space. Oh God, what to do haha. Scuba diving: Think of the dismissive as a scuba diver. When they go deep into something/their own world and kind of "dissapear", they need time to come back up again. If they do this too fast, it can be dangerous. They need transition time (maybe 25 min. or so) Remeber, it is nothing personal! It is just the way they work. Also great to know, if you are a dismissive. Ex: ask 25-30 min or more before you want to do something, that you both have agreed on, so that they have enough time to get out of their single state of mind and switch from one activity to another. (Diane Poole Heller) Also remember: Avoidants can become overwhelmed by other people’s words, especially if they go on and on or repeat themselves. But anyway - men who are stressed about their work or whatever can sometimes be a "pain in the ass" and "bark" at you for no reason (I guess woman can do that too), other than they are stressed and something with hormones and testoterone mixed with the reptilebrain ect. They do not like to talk as much as woman about their problems and struggles ;-) . Sometimes it is better to shut up, when they are in that mode. "I even told him last week that he should go to the mountain to ride because he loves it but hasn't been in a long time because of the weather"
Be carefull, that you are not becoming his "mom". Also with the reasuring thing. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 17:06:54 GMT
I have never heard of scuba diving in this way. I guess he was just really focused on his things and my text wasn't as good as I thought it was. But I'll look at this! This is everything I was trying to explain to him yesterday, it's perfect. It's what we need. That I respect his time and needs but that time with him was important to me too (I even told him last week that he should go to the mountain to ride because he loves it but hasn't been in a long time because of the weather). I wasn't trying to guilt-trip him. Then I just when downspiral in a sms verbal-diarreah of my respect and assurance and whatever. Maybe I will send him the link Yes I hate to talk through text. Next time I'll call him. The thing is that while I want to give him space, I don't want for this to sit longer. I think it tends to drive people away. As the link of the couple bubble says, I think it's a terrible idea not to talk about it. At the same time I want to respect his space. Oh God, what to do haha. Scuba diving: Think of the dismissive as a scuba diver. When they go deep into something/their own world and kind of "dissapear", they need time to come back up again. If they do this too fast, it can be dangerous. They need transition time (maybe 25 min. or so) Remeber, it is nothing personal! It is just the way they work. Also great to know, if you are a dismissive. Ex: ask 25-30 min or more before you want to do something, that you both have agreed on, so that they have enough time to get out of their single state of mind and switch from one activity to another. (Diane Poole Heller) Also remember: Avoidants can become overwhelmed by other people’s words, especially if they go on and on or repeat themselves. But anyway - men who are stressed about their work or whatever can sometimes be a "pain in the ass" and "bark" at you for no reason (I guess woman can do that too), other than they are stressed and something with hormones and testoterone mixed with the reptilebrain ect. They do not like to talk as much as woman about their problems and struggles ;-) . Sometimes it is better to shut up, when they are in that mode. "I even told him last week that he should go to the mountain to ride because he loves it but hasn't been in a long time because of the weather"
Be carefull, that you are not becoming his "mom". Also with the reasuring thing. Hahaha it's a very funny concept, he'll love it when I tell him about it. Yes, I totally got that feeling yesterday! We've talked too about our differences as man and woman and we often get it and try to deliver what we feel the other needs. He's very manly in that respect, and I know it's because of his upbringing, he feels uncomfortable talking about feelings. So we're different and it's hard but beautiful at the same time. He helps me be more objective about people and my own feelings and stuff, and I help him to open up about his feelings. Your post about Avoidants helped me see a lot of things I'll keep in mind. And about me being his mother, noooo not at all I'm the anti-mother in all my relationships (friendships, relationships, etc). That would kill all my sexual attraction to him (and I know he's a very capable man). I was just curious about why he stopped riding because it's something very important in his life (but I'll keep it in mind). Thank you Anne, you're a very smart woman. And take you everyone else. You're all very smart and kind, I'm very very happy to have your input and help. I just had a small chat with him about his ride and he seems happy So I guess we're good and we'll talk when he's rested. |
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Post by kelvain on Aug 26, 2018 4:27:20 GMT
You deserve better. If you stay with him, you will have an entire future ahead filled with crap like this. I lived it for 10 years with my ex DA. There is nothing you can do to make it work any better. I got out and now when I look back I wonder what the check was I thinking. One thing about dealing with a DA when you're an AP is that it's always your fault and it's always on their terms. I know I'll get flack for this post but what the heck. Just saying it how I see it from my perspective. Wishing you well You won't get flack for this at least for me. I can get the feeling of 'this is always your fault, always on my terms' I was with a guy like that and he was, to say the least, abusive in many ways. I'm very glad I'm out, that person will never change. The thing is my boyfriend knows when he messes up and apologises, and we often can talk through things. He's aware of his needs and actions as well as I'm aware, and Isometimes don't react my best. We all mess up sometimes. I'm far from perfect. I'm not AP but yes, sometimes this pushes me to feel anxious. I'm now anxious with him breaking up with me (because we've broke up on the past) but I promised myself and him to tell how I felt and thought so we can make it work. I know I need time to feel secure again, I've talked with him about it and asked him to be patient with me. I hope he can. I'm always trying to return to my secure core even if I'm stressed because I know it's the key for my own happiness. I understand what are you saying, though, and I've actually talked with Jeb about this. I'm willing to work on it if he's also willing. I love him, I love the person he is and we're best friends. I don't want to be with somebody else. He's shown me he's doing his best so I know sometimes I'll have to step up too. This is a two-way street. I know I'll feel extremely lonely sometimes, I know I'll feel frustrated. I know he'll be frustrated with me sometimes too. I guess it's normal in all relationships. I don't know what else to say, but I wish you well too. If it works for you then that's all that matters. Only you know what is best for you. |
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Post by kelvain on Aug 26, 2018 4:29:55 GMT
You deserve better. If you stay with him, you will have an entire future ahead filled with crap like this. I lived it for 10 years with my ex DA. There is nothing you can do to make it work any better. I got out and now when I look back I wonder what the check was I thinking. One thing about dealing with a DA when you're an AP is that it's always your fault and it's always on their terms. I know I'll get flack for this post but what the heck. Just saying it how I see it from my perspective. Wishing you well He's not your ex.... lilyg, honesty is good and needed but you have to remember that he always will have his NEEDS and it's nothing personal. DA or not I think it's quite reasonable to choose studying over watching a movie with someone who will not disappear. Even if he was deactivating...He was stressed, he's DA... being alone is how he soothes himself, how he remains calm. It's a good thing but you have to leave him alone, not put pressure on him or he won't be able to soothe himself until you're gone completely. Just remember it's not about you. Exactly what I said... |
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