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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 4:45:40 GMT
He's not your ex.... lilyg, honesty is good and needed but you have to remember that he always will have his NEEDS and it's nothing personal. DA or not I think it's quite reasonable to choose studying over watching a movie with someone who will not disappear. Even if he was deactivating...He was stressed, he's DA... being alone is how he soothes himself, how he remains calm. It's a good thing but you have to leave him alone, not put pressure on him or he won't be able to soothe himself until you're gone completely. Just remember it's not about you. Exactly what I said... i have a hard time believing you have moved on and healed. you're so bitter about a relationship you chose and stayed in 10 YEARS (as if you weren't half of THAT problem) that you lurk on this forum and pop in to post about how happy you are that you moved on... did you though? not everyone sees themselves as a victim like you do. lurking on a forum to write the same paragraph over and over for...( how many months have i been seeing this? ) lordy. if this is what moving on looks like, maybe we should have another goal? 😄 of course you can post what you want whenever and however but seriously... we were having a constructive conversation here you party pooper! 😂 |
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Post by kelvain on Aug 27, 2018 2:54:08 GMT
You are correct. I can post whatever I want. And it's funny you mentioned my moving on because I was thinking to myself, why should I bother popping in at this point even though I was doing it just a reminder to myself of what I went through, kinda like a reinforcement of sorts as well as to hopefully help someone avoid going through the crap that I went through for so long by sharing my experience. But screw it. I'm good. Don't need this kind of crap.
Good luck to all of you. Hope you all figure it out someday
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Post by lilyg on Aug 27, 2018 6:43:32 GMT
Well a little update: we were able to talk about it. He explained how frustrated he felt (mostly, everything talked here, thanks everyone!). I apologised and explained that I was more focused on the words and not on the context or the situation until I understood I was not helping. I'll handle it different next time and thanked him for giving me his time, I know he is and I do feel one of his priorities. He thought it was unfair because this was a once-time occurance and I told him of course, that it wasn't an ill meaning message at all on my part, but then I just messed it more. So it was stress coupled with miscomunication.
Then he teached me how to ride a bike and we spent a very nice day 😊 I cannot wait for the next time, it was super fun. And it made me realise I should go back to the gym and running.
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Post by lilyg on Aug 27, 2018 8:13:52 GMT
Well a little update: we were able to talk about it. He explained how frustrated he felt (mostly, everything talked here, thanks everyone!). I apologised and explained that I was more focused on the words and not on the context or the situation until I understood I was not helping. I'll handle it different next time and thanked him for giving me his time, I know he is and I do feel one of his priorities. He thought it was unfair because this was a once-time occurance and I told him of course, that it wasn't an ill meaning message at all on my part, bit then I just messed it more. So it was stress coupled with miscomunication. Then he teached me how to ride a bike and we spent a very nice day 😊 I cannot wait for the next time, it was super fun. And it made me realise I should go back to the gym and running. That sounds great! I looooove the repair thing. Beeing able to repair and recieve repair attempts from your parnter/people in general is sooooo important in all relationsships and a secure way to handle things! And the bike thing sounds like fun! Beeing able to share and learn from each other - and play, laugh and have fun with your partner in the precent moment! (And most men just looove to "give", make their woman laugh - and see her beeing able to recieve, what he has to offer her (the feminine/maskuline dance)! Are you from different cultures? Riding a bike is one of the things kids learn (often from their dad) at a very early age in my country. (You just made me remember a sweet memory of my dad and me, from when he was alive and I was a kid - so thank you for that!)Enjoy your time at the gym! Yes, I'm very thankful we are both humble and can apologise if we mess up. He's great. Ahh well we are  In my country yes, we are teached how to ride when we're little but I haven't touched a bike in a really long time! My parents were not very into sports so it wasn't a shared family activity, I learned but I didn't practice much. I'm happy I could make you remember a cherished memory with your dad! Yes it was really fun, he was having fun too so it was very good! He helped me a lot and was very giving. We were using bikes with motors and I was screaming a lot and laughing when I put the bike at full-speed. I like goofing around and making him laugh. Thank you, Anne! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2018 22:44:24 GMT
hi lilyg, oddly enough i just went through something with my partner (also DA as you know) about this kind of thing. So i thought i would share it because it's fresh. This has to do with overwhelm. I am very aware of the physical sensations in my body but mostly my head, when i have reached or am about to reach a point of overwhelm and i need to stop engaging and rest inside myself, alone. it really is exacerbated by a lot of verbal interaction with people. i love to talk, and engage. but i have a capacity and once i go over it, i feel a tangible sense of overwhelm and suffocation mentally and it has nothing at all to do with my love and interest in the person with whom i am engaging. i just need to stop. i do respect and understand it in myself now, and i am gentle with myself and able to plan and ask for what i need. For most of my life tho i just kind of felt like a piece of shit for hitting this limit, i didn't understand it and i knew it couldn't feel nice to others but i couldn't prevent or handle it well. So, i do view it also as a handicap that i must ask for accommodation for. If by some miracle or advance in science i could avoid the sensation i would, as it is as difficult for me to endure as anyone. it doesn't feel good. My partner hit the state of overwhelm with me recently and tried to be polite about it but it hurt my feelings as i was already sharing something important to me and he struggled to bear it. He recounted to me "here i was, watching my cute little Juniper and listening to her share and i know it was important , it was important to me too, and at the same time, i felt like one more word would break me. i didn't know what to do. I tried to be sweet but i know it hurt your feelings." So, of course when he said all that it was like reading a page of my own diary. I don't take it personally at all!!! it's just that like anyone, i would have loved some warning so i could kiss him on the forehead and go do something else rather than pour my heart out, and feel foolish learning i was overwhelming him. haha. i get it, it all sucks. of course i understand how it feels for a partner to feel rebuffed.. it happens to me too lol!. which is why i felt horrible about having this problem, before i learned how to handle it. So, because i always read anne12's posts about avoidants over and over, to remind myself about ME and HIM, i recognized that he felt bad and did not recognize that he could ask me for what he needs (quiet time in his own head space) because avoidants are as bad at that as AP's, we suck at it until we practice, just like you. he doesn't have as much practice as i do with boundaries and needs. he needs more support with that. So, i acknowledged that it hurt my feelings because i was sharing something meaningful, and our timing clashed. I then did what i support any other person doing, i asked him if he recognized when he was in a pinch and needs quiet head speace. he said "absolutely!" I asked him to let me know when he felt that feeling of constriction, ask me for that quiet space and i would love to give him that. He was so touched by this. he isn't good at asking for things. he is not at all accustomed to being considered that way. he wonders if he is bad for feeling overwhelmed. he isn't. So, we helped each other out with that. I don't struggle with this so much any more, myself, because i plan and manage . I have explained to my children this quirk, and that i wish i could change it but i am not able to. They are so supportive. they know i love them and am interested in them. So when i am about to hit overwhelm i can say "i love you baby, i'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment and i need to be quiet by myself. " they say "ok , i love you mom, see you when you get back 😘" and then we can rejoin, when it's passed. usually an hour of walking in th woods or lying quietly with an eye mask can fix my overwhelm if i am getting enough regular quiet time )which i schedule for maintenance.) my kids and i have been able to make this safe and kind to all of us. of course, i return the favor when they have a particular need. most of the time we can time our heavier interactions at a time that work for all! we have built the trust and "generosity of spirit" to be able to navigate stuff. and i'm building this with my partner, too. it's great but also a little painful along the way. So , just wanted to relate with you , and your partner also. he may not yet be able to feel free and comfortable asking for what he needs , afraid of a hurt reaction: he may feel guilty, if he needs head space and he can't fully understand or articulate it. i understand your side and his side very well. i just want to encourage you to not take it personally although i know it can feel painful! if i didn't know where he is coming from i would have a harder time with it. but, i'm the same way. he really can't change it he just needs some help to manage, if you can do that. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2018 23:03:12 GMT
i have a hard time believing you have moved on and healed. you're so bitter about a relationship you chose and stayed in 10 YEARS (as if you weren't half of THAT problem) that you lurk on this forum and pop in to post about how happy you are that you moved on... did you though? not everyone sees themselves as a victim like you do. lurking on a forum to write the same paragraph over and over for...( how many months have i been seeing this? ) lordy. if this is what moving on looks like, maybe we should have another goal? 😄 of course you can post what you want whenever and however but seriously... we were having a constructive conversation here you party pooper! 😂 Whatever kelvain wrote previously - that is a very, very harsh comment and from where I am standing, is unreasonable, condescending and just wrong. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 29, 2018 8:35:16 GMT
hi lilyg , oddly enough i just went through something with my partner (also DA as you know) about this kind of thing. So i thought i would share it because it's fresh. This has to do with overwhelm. I am very aware of the physical sensations in my body but mostly my head, when i have reached or am about to reach a point of overwhelm and i need to stop engaging and rest inside myself, alone. it really is exacerbated by a lot of verbal interaction with people. i love to talk, and engage. but i have a capacity and once i go over it, i feel a tangible sense of overwhelm and suffocation mentally and it has nothing at all to do with my love and interest in the person with whom i am engaging. i just need to stop. i do respect and understand it in myself now, and i am gentle with myself and able to plan and ask for what i need. For most of my life tho i just kind of felt like a piece of shit for hitting this limit, i didn't understand it and i knew it couldn't feel nice to others but i couldn't prevent or handle it well. So, i do view it also as a handicap that i must ask for accommodation for. If by some miracle or advance in science i could avoid the sensation i would, as it is as difficult for me to endure as anyone. it doesn't feel good. My partner hit the state of overwhelm with me recently and tried to be polite about it but it hurt my feelings as i was already sharing something important to me and he struggled to bear it. He recounted to me "here i was, watching my cute little Juniper and listening to her share and i know it was important , it was important to me too, and at the same time, i felt like one more word would break me. i didn't know what to do. I tried to be sweet but i know it hurt your feelings." So, of course when he said all that it was like reading a page of my own diary. I don't take it personally at all!!! it's just that like anyone, i would have loved some warning so i could kiss him on the forehead and go do something else rather than pour my heart out, and feel foolish learning i was overwhelming him. haha. i get it, it all sucks. of course i understand how it feels for a partner to feel rebuffed.. it happens to me too lol!. which is why i felt horrible about having this problem, before i learned how to handle it. So, because i always read anne12 's posts about avoidants over and over, to remind myself about ME and HIM, i recognized that he felt bad and did not recognize that he could ask me for what he needs (quiet time in his own head space) because avoidants are as bad at that as AP's, we suck at it until we practice, just like you. he doesn't have as much practice as i do with boundaries and needs. he needs more support with that. So, i acknowledged that it hurt my feelings because i was sharing something meaningful, and our timing clashed. I then did what i support any other person doing, i asked him if he recognized when he was in a pinch and needs quiet head speace. he said "absolutely!" I asked him to let me know when he felt that feeling of constriction, ask me for that quiet space and i would love to give him that. He was so touched by this. he isn't good at asking for things. he is not at all accustomed to being considered that way. he wonders if he is bad for feeling overwhelmed. he isn't. So, we helped each other out with that. I don't struggle with this so much any more, myself, because i plan and manage . I have explained to my children this quirk, and that i wish i could change it but i am not able to. They are so supportive. they know i love them and am interested in them. So when i am about to hit overwhelm i can say "i love you baby, i'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment and i need to be quiet by myself. " they say "ok , i love you mom, see you when you get back 😘" and then we can rejoin, when it's passed. usually an hour of walking in th woods or lying quietly with an eye mask can fix my overwhelm if i am getting enough regular quiet time )which i schedule for maintenance.) my kids and i have been able to make this safe and kind to all of us. of course, i return the favor when they have a particular need. most of the time we can time our heavier interactions at a time that work for all! we have built the trust and "generosity of spirit" to be able to navigate stuff. and i'm building this with my partner, too. it's great but also a little painful along the way. So , just wanted to relate with you , and your partner also. he may not yet be able to feel free and comfortable asking for what he needs , afraid of a hurt reaction: he may feel guilty, if he needs head space and he can't fully understand or articulate it. i understand your side and his side very well. i just want to encourage you to not take it personally although i know it can feel painful! if i didn't know where he is coming from i would have a harder time with it. but, i'm the same way. he really can't change it he just needs some help to manage, if you can do that. As always, I get it and I guess I don't get it. That's why I'll go straight to the point next time, and I'll just expain my point once. My partner has demostrated that he always hears and reflects on what I tell him, so there's no need to overwhelm him next time He mostly listens to me an conforts me if I'm sharing something important, but I can see something like this may happen sometimes. It is great that you're able to practice with your partner and you can see yourself reflected in him. Yes I do think he struggles a lot to tell me what he needs from me. It is difficult for him to ask for things. I'm very used to talk about my boundaries because… I don't know. My parents teached me, I guess. Even when they were sick I talked about my needs and boundaries and I encouraged my parents to tell me theirs (they usually felt terrible for wanting things from me when they were really sick. I was scared of telling them my needs, but I still needed them to be my parents, even if I was taking care of them. It streghten our relationship a lot and I'm thankful for having them and a therapist that helped me get there emotionally). I can only imagine feeling you can't ask for this when young with a caregiver. I can't... I try. When we broke up I noted him distancing himself so I gave him space, thinking it was what he needed and it wasn't at all (he felt we've distanced so what was the point in being together? I then realized what was going on). Sooo I'm trying to build more intimacy while also being respectful on his own needs. I know this activated me. I'm usually very secure while in a relationship, and I'm secure with more avoidant and secure friends. I'm actually avoidant when someone is anxious (I've broken up with guys over this, I've had fights with family members and friends over me being distant when I felt overwhelved because they were asking for too much reassurence). I mean, if someone's going through a hard time I can be there and support them, but I can't form strong bonds when someone's too anxious. It makes me feel like property and that they don't understand me or my core. So I've been thinking in my reaction a lot, I don't like it. I want to be myself and I want to be the better version of myself. So now I know I activate when he distances himself because I relate it to him breaking up with me. I know the relationship right now is different, that we are aware and we've talked about this, that we are open, that he tells me he loves me, but I guess I need time to adjust. I don't know how to tell him that I feel this way without making him feel guilty. It's not about that. I don't want him to change, I love the way he is. It's just that we both need to voice ourselves in a nice way for us to work out. We have everything else going on for us. I thank you for this post, it's great you have this trust with your kids and with your partner, I love you can be this honest with each other and that you receive kindness back, that's true love for me. I have this with my friends whom I cherish like brothers and sisters. Yes he has told me I'm one of the people he trusts more, and I want to honor that trust. But yes I think he's not confortable enough but well, we'll get there. I'll get there too (I'm having trouble right now talking about this fear of mine with him, it makes me feel really vulnerable). Sorry for this super long post, I'm rereading Anne's post, it's amazing. I'm gonna see the youtube videos. As for what I'm doing in a practical sense these days: I'm spending time reading, I have 'pillow talks' with him so we feel connected. I'll try for him to lead when we see each other but I'll try to arrange a date in which we do something fun like going to a museum, riding bikes or going to take pictures. Pd. Are you the one from your avatar? That's sooo ripped  |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 12:12:39 GMT
you don't age to apologize for a long post!! it's good to sort it all out. the reason i started being able to be so open and vulnerable with him is i listened to a talk by Yhich angst Hanh called "Being Love", and it gave me a template of how to love myself and him , the right way It covers the four foundations of love as Understanding Compassion Joy Freedom (to be yourself) So, you have to first be able to provide all those things for yourself, and if you love your partner, youvoracitce woth then to be able to give them these things also. When i consistently behaved this way over time he began to reflect back to me some things- my vulnerability opened up a safe place for his. he leads the way in some ways, i lead the way in others. we do help each other be better, and safer. we do help each other heal. try googling that talk- it's on you tube. i love it a lot, it made me cry the first time i heard it because i was starving for a love like that. and yes, it's me in the avatar. i thought your avatar was very cute and so went to find a pic that didn't have my face and one doing pull-ups is all i had. my friends and i have a great time together every morning at my gym. that's where i met the woman who has been like a mom to me, who is now dying from cancer , and. i take care of her. so it's been very healing for me as avoidant to really get into this activity and the community at the gym! i love to train for strength and agility. i was only so-so until i was in a car accident and my partner started training me to help me heal. he is very strong, like ox! so now we train together as an activity that we can share to be connected. he's weighs over twice as much as me so i have to try to keep up lol. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 12:15:04 GMT
lilyg i am very sorry you lost your parents. i think they would be so proud of you, having boundaries and talking about your needs. you sound like you have such a beautiful heart. maybe you can soon be a little more vulnerable to your partner if you believe he loves you. that's been very healing to me. healing would not have been possible if i didn't show my partner where i'm hurt.
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Post by lilyg on Aug 29, 2018 14:07:29 GMT
lilyg i am very sorry you lost your parents. i think they would be so proud of you, having boundaries and talking about your needs. you sound like you have such a beautiful heart. maybe you can soon be a little more vulnerable to your partner if you believe he loves you. that's been very healing to me. healing would not have been possible if i didn't show my partner where i'm hurt. Thanks, I'll search for it right now! It is a beautiful concept. I actually have a really big tattoo that simbolizes the type of love you're telling me, the love I think my parents shared with me and with each other. Thank you, I was always very proud of them too. I'll try to be more vulnerable with him! We agreed on that! Seems like you and your partner have reached a sweet spot on that. I hope we're getting there too. Wow, you surely are stroong. Your partner is a good trainer! And it's great that exercise helps you, I might start training too, I feel super lazy lately. I'm a weakling and have no strenght in my arms at all, like my avatar hahaha How's your friend doing? I hope you're both ok. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 15:19:03 GMT
he is a good trainer! he doesn't do it professionally, but has trained himself all his life for stress relief and because he loves the work.
he and i are a lot alike in the approach to our bodies- wanting to be strong, capable, able to take care of ourselves, ready for anything.
it's a good way to be in touch with the body, as long as the purpose is to love and care for yourself and not abuse yourself.
it's a good way for me to live in the moment. he is hard on his body, stubborn. but he is learning about the down side of that!
it takes a lot of concentration and discipline too.
i was unable to do an pull-ups or pushups, before, but now i can do them with weight.
it's all been a process of recognizing limitations and overcoming them.
training with him has been a good partner activity because it built rapport, trust, and we have gotten to know each other over time bybsharing that interest.
it was a good ramp into intimacy, for us.
and we have butted heads as well, but working through that is even more benefit.
i strongly encourage strength training for women!!
you don't have to worry about aging yet- but someday you will.
resistance training has so many benefits for women- it protects our bones, hearts, and has a great balancing effect on our body.
it's great for reducing mid life issues with perimenopause and menopause, also- not there yet but o feel great at 48, better than i did in my 20's!
and it's helped me be stronger and leaner than before my 4 kids!
i have a new lease on life, both with attachment style and in my body, and i love it.
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Post by lilyg on Aug 30, 2018 10:09:25 GMT
he is a good trainer! he doesn't do it professionally, but has trained himself all his life for stress relief and because he loves the work. he and i are a lot alike in the approach to our bodies- wanting to be strong, capable, able to take care of ourselves, ready for anything. it's a good way to be in touch with the body, as long as the purpose is to love and care for yourself and not abuse yourself. it's a good way for me to live in the moment. he is hard on his body, stubborn. but he is learning about the down side of that! it takes a lot of concentration and discipline too. i was unable to do an pull-ups or pushups, before, but now i can do them with weight. it's all been a process of recognizing limitations and overcoming them. training with him has been a good partner activity because it built rapport, trust, and we have gotten to know each other over time bybsharing that interest. it was a good ramp into intimacy, for us. and we have butted heads as well, but working through that is even more benefit. i strongly encourage strength training for women!! you don't have to worry about aging yet- but someday you will. resistance training has so many benefits for women- it protects our bones, hearts, and has a great balancing effect on our body. it's great for reducing mid life issues with perimenopause and menopause, also- not there yet but o feel great at 48, better than i did in my 20's! and it's helped me be stronger and leaner than before my 4 kids! i have a new lease on life, both with attachment style and in my body, and i love it. I was strenght training a while back and I felt great, but I had to stop because of a knee injury while running and then I just completely stopped... I should start again, thank you for your words. It made me remember I want to age strong and healthy Yes! Also all the mental benefits are amazing, I need to relieve my stress so I'll go back. It's very cool you both work out together and he helps you train. Power couple indeed |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 30, 2018 10:32:01 GMT
"...So now I know I activate when he distances himself because I relate it to him breaking up with me."Yeah, try to be vunerable. It can also show him, that you trust him and he can also learn from it. Also so that it dosen´t bulids up inside you. (maybe you can do it the short way: hit it and then explain more afterwards (and not when the other person is under a lot of stress)). I find it natural to feel anxious, when the other have threatened the relationship. www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPZAxiupSboBy the way: Do you know the books: Whired for love by Stan Tatkin and Hold me tight by Sue Johnson? Yes, I've told him this when he got back together because well… the first time he told me he loved me I just started crying and told him I didn't believe him (I was a bit drunk but yeah hahaha not the smartest thing to say to someone that has a very difficult time saying it. I felt terrible about it). He was deeply hurt and told me we should be laughing and enjoying our time together so I.. talked with him and explained that I was afraid and that I was really sorry but yes, he did hurt the relationship, even if he didn't mean it and he didn't want to hurt me. That I wanted everything to be ok and I'd work for it but the truth is that not everything was ok at that moment, as we have broken up recently and that we needed to build up that trust again. He completely understood and told me he did love me and that he'd prove it with time. He has and had a lot of patience with me. Soo yes, we've talked about this so we can be transparent and work on it (getting back together with an ex, I think, is difficult if you don't repair those things). He has been great. Thank you Anne, yes I am trying to be vulnerable and I'll not let this build up. If I ever get this feeling again, I'll hit and repair when he's not stressed I made the mistake of choosing a bad time. I just want to focus on this going foward. No, I don't know those books! I'll search for them, thank you so much. Matthew Hussey is spot on sometimes True! |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 8, 2018 13:59:15 GMT
Well I felt stressed yesterday but I decided to sleep on it instead of trying to talk about it on WhatsApp. Today I decided to have the morning for myself, I went to a great museum my dad used to take me and had wine and food at a restaurant I like before going to see him. I feel super ok now! I esa overreacting. I now understand it was my anxious side making me feel bad. It's such a weird thing for me to feel, I'm very confident most of the time. But it's good to identify where it's coming from 😊 the insecurity of the breakup and other things going on right now on my life.
Thank you all for your insights in this forum!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2018 18:46:12 GMT
Well I felt stressed yesterday but I decided to sleep on it instead of trying to talk about it on WhatsApp. Today I decided to have the morning for myself, I went to a great museum my dad used to take me and had wine and food at a restaurant I like before going to see him. I feel super ok now! I esa overreacting. I now understand it was my anxious side making me feel bad. It's such a weird thing for me to feel, I'm very confident most of the time. But it's good to identify where it's coming from 😊 the insecurity of the breakup and other things going on right now on my life. Thank you all for your insights in this forum! i get hijacked by deactivation like this, too. and i feel so much better when i can consciously choose healthy ways to cope and regulate. practice makes perfect! ❤️ good job!! |
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In my country yes, we are teached how to ride when we're little but I haven't touched a bike in a really long time! My parents were not very into sports so it wasn't a shared family activity, I learned but I didn't practice much. I'm happy I could make you remember a cherished memory with your dad! 