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Post by lilyg on Sept 14, 2018 17:24:33 GMT
Well, I misunderstood something he told me and I thought we weren't seeing each other this weekend (and I had an important event I really wanted him to attend with me), I told him it was important for me to see him and he got mad, as apparently he had told me that we were seeing each other for that (my bad). I felt terrible and apologized but of course this coupled with when I wrote here about him cancelling a plan has him feeling he needs to justify him not spending time with me. Which I can totally understand and I feel bad about it, I don't wat to disresfect his independance and needs. I was just telling him a need... but I know my statement came from fear (I wrote him: 'I know this has to do more with me than anything but I'd like to see you this weekend. Thank you for understanding' and I had previously told him about various plans this weekend, he told me no on some and said nothing about the event, so I guess I understood that he wasn't coming). I told him I was sorry and that I knew I was acting from a place of fear over the breakup these both times and that I loved him and respected him, all straight to the point, but he's just ignoring me, I guess feeling hurt over me making him feel guilty. I feel hurt about opening up in a way that's very vulnerable for me and him ignoring me, and now I am afraid again. I'm trying to understand and remember everything you told me (I have reread the thread, healing DA from Anne, and the couple's bubble, thank you). It's his way of dealing, I'm respecting that. I let him focus on his things and try to connect tomorrow. But I need his help sometimes. He usually does but he'll get tired of it. I know, still, this is a matter of both of us. I guess I just needed to vent  I'm very exhausted of this fear, I don't feel like myself (oh, how AP hurts... I've never felt anxious). I'm sorry he gets hurt while I deal with it, I feel so ashamed of not controlling my emotions. I wish we'd never broke up. |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 14, 2018 18:04:52 GMT
Aww lilyg... go easy on yourself today. It's ok, give him the space he might be needing right now and remember you are doing your best and it's all a work in progress. You apologized, acknowledged it was a misunderstanding, now you need to just let it go for today. You are seeing him this weekend, you know this and he has agreed, just let the dust settle a bit. Easier said than done? TOTALLY! I completely understand, but what you can do in the meantime, is imagine how happy you will be when you see him very soon and how much better you will feel if you focus on YOU today. He may not even be hurt, honestly he may just be a little annoyed. In our AP ways, we tend to imagine the worst and of course it's never what we dream up. I have the exact same interactions with my FA ex- I imagine he is hurt or extremely pissed and "done with me" most of the time he is mildly annoyed and will ignore a text or just not respond in an effort to cool things down. He will often say, I just want it to blow over so we can have a nice time. Often times, he will avoid things in an effort to preserve the relationship. So perhaps you can view it in a more positive light, that your guy is just trying to keep things positive by backing away. |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 14, 2018 18:59:42 GMT
It's moving all your help and understanding, thank you so much, anne12 and kristyrose 😊💐 I'll respond more a bit later, I'm hanging out with some friends showing them the city. I have been taking care of myself but I should do those excercises. I'll have a look 😊 As for me being overly pessimistic, it's totally true. He is annoyed and cannot attend to my need of reassurance. And possibly doesn't realise I'm this hurt. I hope he comes 🙂 |
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 14, 2018 19:17:51 GMT
Well, I misunderstood something he told me and I thought we weren't seeing each other this weekend (and I had an important event I really wanted him to attend with me), I told him it was important for me to see him and he got mad, as apparently he had told me that we were seeing each other for that (my bad). I felt terrible and apologized but of course this coupled with when I wrote here about him cancelling a plan has him feeling he needs to justify him not spending time with me. Which I can totally understand and I feel bad about it, I don't wat to disresfect his independance and needs. I was just telling him a need... but I know my statement came from fear (I wrote him: 'I know this has to do more with me than anything but I'd like to see you this weekend. Thank you for understanding' and I had previously told him about various plans this weekend, he told me no on some and said nothing about the event, so I guess I understood that he wasn't coming). I told him I was sorry and that I knew I was acting from a place of fear over the breakup these both times and that I loved him and respected him, all straight to the point, but he's just ignoring me, I guess feeling hurt over me making him feel guilty. I feel hurt about opening up in a way that's very vulnerable for me and him ignoring me, and now I am afraid again. I'm trying to understand and remember everything you told me (I have reread the thread, healing DA from Anne, and the couple's bubble, thank you). It's his way of dealing, I'm respecting that. I let him focus on his things and try to connect tomorrow. But I need his help sometimes. He usually does but he'll get tired of it. I know, still, this is a matter of both of us. I guess I just needed to vent I'm very exhausted of this fear, I don't feel like myself (oh, how AP hurts... I've never felt anxious). I'm sorry he gets hurt while I deal with it, I feel so ashamed of not controlling my emotions. I wish we'd never broke up. I’m sorry to hear that! Don’t feel bad for saying your needs and fears to him. I understand that for him to hear and understand those things can be harder but it’s important to be true to yourself too. And I also think that’s an opportunity for him to grow too because if you always let him in his comfort zone he has less opportunities to learn how to do with problems. I’m sure he’s going to talk when he is ready ❤️ |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 14, 2018 20:01:44 GMT
Well, I misunderstood something he told me and I thought we weren't seeing each other this weekend (and I had an important event I really wanted him to attend with me), I told him it was important for me to see him and he got mad, as apparently he had told me that we were seeing each other for that (my bad). I felt terrible and apologized but of course this coupled with when I wrote here about him cancelling a plan has him feeling he needs to justify him not spending time with me. Which I can totally understand and I feel bad about it, I don't wat to disresfect his independance and needs. I was just telling him a need... but I know my statement came from fear (I wrote him: 'I know this has to do more with me than anything but I'd like to see you this weekend. Thank you for understanding' and I had previously told him about various plans this weekend, he told me no on some and said nothing about the event, so I guess I understood that he wasn't coming). I told him I was sorry and that I knew I was acting from a place of fear over the breakup these both times and that I loved him and respected him, all straight to the point, but he's just ignoring me, I guess feeling hurt over me making him feel guilty. I feel hurt about opening up in a way that's very vulnerable for me and him ignoring me, and now I am afraid again. I'm trying to understand and remember everything you told me (I have reread the thread, healing DA from Anne, and the couple's bubble, thank you). It's his way of dealing, I'm respecting that. I let him focus on his things and try to connect tomorrow. But I need his help sometimes. He usually does but he'll get tired of it. I know, still, this is a matter of both of us. I guess I just needed to vent I'm very exhausted of this fear, I don't feel like myself (oh, how AP hurts... I've never felt anxious). I'm sorry he gets hurt while I deal with it, I feel so ashamed of not controlling my emotions. I wish we'd never broke up. I’m sorry to hear that! Don’t feel bad for saying your needs and fears to him. I understand that for him to hear and understand those things can be harder but it’s important to be true to yourself too. And I also think that’s an opportunity for him to grow too because if you always let him in his comfort zone he has less opportunities to learn how to do with problems. I’m sure he’s going to talk when he is ready ❤️ That's very on point 😊 thank you! Yes he understands this and has actually told me to tell him when he's acting avoidant. Updating, he has sent me a loving message to make amends 🙂 I'm feeling proud of both of us for repairing soon. It seems we are learning. Thank you all! |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 14, 2018 20:04:42 GMT
VERY happy to hear this for you!
Now go enjoy the rest of your day dear!
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Post by lilyg on Sept 14, 2018 22:17:40 GMT
VERY happy to hear this for you! Now go enjoy the rest of your day dear! 😊 Thank you |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 14, 2018 23:59:51 GMT
That's very on point 😊 thank you! Yes he understands this and has actually told me to tell him when he's acting avoidant. Updating, he has sent me a loving message to make amends 🙂 I'm feeling proud of both of us for repairing soon. It seems we are learning. Thank you all! Both of those things are huge, that he wants to know when you feel he is acting avoidant and that he sent you a loving message and things are being repaired fast. Great! |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 15, 2018 6:30:52 GMT
That's very on point 😊 thank you! Yes he understands this and has actually told me to tell him when he's acting avoidant. Updating, he has sent me a loving message to make amends 🙂 I'm feeling proud of both of us for repairing soon. It seems we are learning. Thank you all! Both of those things are huge, that he wants to know when you feel he is acting avoidant and that he sent you a loving message and things are being repaired fast. Great! I really appreciate his efforts 😊 I have discovered here how difficult can that sometimes be. Thank you!a |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 15, 2018 15:44:58 GMT
I think this is a really good example of how one can work with an insecure partner who is aware and doing the work versus what happens when the insecure partner isn't willing to look inward at all (ie most of the breakup stories on this board). Still bumpy but ultimately doable and rewarding. Glad to hear resolution is coming a little faster and easier!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 16:21:06 GMT
I’m sorry to hear that! Don’t feel bad for saying your needs and fears to him. I understand that for him to hear and understand those things can be harder but it’s important to be true to yourself too. And I also think that’s an opportunity for him to grow too because if you always let him in his comfort zone he has less opportunities to learn how to do with problems. I’m sure he’s going to talk when he is ready ❤️ That's very on point 😊 thank you! Yes he understands this and has actually told me to tell him when he's acting avoidant. Updating, he has sent me a loving message to make amends 🙂 I'm feeling proud of both of us for repairing soon. It seems we are learning. Thank you all! i'm sorry i missed all this but so happy you two were able to repair!! how beautiful!!! it really warms my heart to see two people working together like this, i know how scary and challenging it is to overcome these things. good job , both of you. |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 16, 2018 18:51:10 GMT
That's very on point 😊 thank you! Yes he understands this and has actually told me to tell him when he's acting avoidant. Updating, he has sent me a loving message to make amends 🙂 I'm feeling proud of both of us for repairing soon. It seems we are learning. Thank you all! i'm sorry i missed all this but so happy you two were able to repair!! how beautiful!!! it really warms my heart to see two people working together like this, i know how scary and challenging it is to overcome these things. good job , both of you. Thank you, Juni 😊 means a lot! |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 26, 2018 15:21:47 GMT
I think this is a really good example of how one can work with an insecure partner who is aware and doing the work versus what happens when the insecure partner isn't willing to look inward at all (ie most of the breakup stories on this board). Still bumpy but ultimately doable and rewarding. Glad to hear resolution is coming a little faster and easier! I haven't seen this but yesss, that's what I try to talk about whenever I reply to people struggling with insecure exes around here. I'm really thankful we are working on it and learning. It has been rocky but I guess it's a matter of good combination between us + awareness of ourselves. I know that if we were not aware it would be impossible to be together for neither of us. Each day that passes I feel more connected with him and more secure, I'm finally feeling like myself again. And of course thank you all for your amazing help! |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 18, 2018 6:42:46 GMT
Well, again we had a fight. I behaved like a drunk ass, as a friend of him told me that when he was unsure about us behaved like he had a lot of options but then she guess he didn't. It made me feel like a second option. At the time we got back from breaking up he explained to me that it took time for him to be in love and that he was terrible at relationships. So I felt lied to.
I was so mad about this. He started to point out, stressed, how drunk I was and I just exploded and got very mad. I even told him that maybe we needed to break up and I feel terrible to talk to him like that. I know anxiousness got the better of me. Very dramatic, I know. I feel ok to feel bad about that talk with his friend, but I feel terrible to react that way with someone I love so much.
I've been trying to repair but even if he's answering the phone and texts he's mad and won't talk about it. He needs space and even if I understand... These days I need him to reassure me that he's not breaking up with me again.
I've been willing to behave as he needs me when he's upset, and we've been working it out fine, but when we got back together I told him I needed reassurance and help from his part to get over the heartbreak of him leaving me, and trusting him again. We talked about why it happened and I understood but now I feel he lied to me. He told me he uses to tell his friends lies about his feelings as he feels uneasy talking about his feelings with them but really... I'm feeling very guillible right now.
I have no doubts that now he wants to be with me and loves me, I feel like an a**hole not being able to just get past his feelings at first. It makes me feel like an insecure person and I hate it. I wish I could just focus on the now, and I try it everyday, but I guess this triggered me and I didn't behave good at all. So while I get his need for space and I feel terrible for not behaving my best, it pains me a lot that he's not understanding my need as he knows I'm insecure about this.
I've been writing him good night and good morning and he answers right away. Not lovingly as other days, but I thank him and it makes me feel that he's very mad but not ignoring me. So I know he's trying.
So know I'm here, giving him space and thinking if I can deal with this when I'm feeling doubts and pain over the past. I don't think I'll be able to work it out without his help. It pains me a lot yo think like this but I'm trying to be honest with myself. I know it takes time to heal, and we both need it.
I need a leap of trust. I love him and I'm very invested in him and this relationship working, but this made me realise I have to work more on myself. I can see that I've been trying to be secure for us both but I have a long wey to go before I can be that safe anchor at all times.
Well, here's for a bumpy ride.
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Post by anne12 on Oct 18, 2018 8:49:13 GMT
Lilyg - did you "freak out", when you were drunk ?
If that´s the case, then the logic part of your brain (I cant remember the right word right now), doesn´t funktion as good. It is much easier to get flloded and in the fight, flight mode (drama) and get too much ativation in the nerveussystem when you are drunk. Sounds like his words made you even more angry.
So try to forgive yourself.
You can try to use the paradoxial change method to accept all your feelings and also the angermeditation (Leonard Jacobsen) together with the watertank exercise. You can also use a towel and hold it and squize it.
And when you meet again you can tell him how you have felt about the situation and what you need him to do and not to do/say or not to say in the future ect.
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I'm very exhausted of this fear, I don't feel like myself (oh, how AP hurts... I've never felt anxious). I'm sorry he gets hurt while I deal with it, I feel so ashamed of not controlling my emotions. I wish we'd never broke up.
