Well I guess I need help today

Aw, lilyg, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Try to keep yourself present. Neither of you can change the past and you can't predict the future. But, at present, you are good. He is with you and he is working hard to make it work because he loves you. That's your reassurance right there. And, it's so much better and means so much more than just words.

Keep telling yourself you are simply activated. Stop texting him and trying to repair until you are in a calmer state. You can do this.

Well, again we had a fight. I behaved like a drunk ass, as a friend of him told me that when he was unsure about us behaved like he had a lot of options but then she guess he didn't. It made me feel like a second option. At the time we got back from breaking up he explained to me that it took time for him to be in love and that he was terrible at relationships. So I felt lied to.

I was so mad about this. He started to point out, stressed, how drunk I was and I just exploded and got very mad. I even told him that maybe we needed to break up and I feel terrible to talk to him like that. I know anxiousness got the better of me. Very dramatic, I know. I feel ok to feel bad about that talk with his friend, but I feel terrible to react that way with someone I love so much.

I've been trying to repair but even if he's answering the phone and texts he's mad and won't talk about it. He needs space and even if I understand... These days I need him to reassure me that he's not breaking up with me again.

I've been willing to behave as he needs me when he's upset, and we've been working it out fine, but when we got back together I told him I needed reassurance and help from his part to get over the heartbreak of him leaving me, and trusting him again. We talked about why it happened and I understood but now I feel he lied to me. He told me he uses to tell his friends lies about his feelings as he feels uneasy talking about his feelings with them but really... I'm feeling very guillible right now.

I have no doubts that now he wants to be with me and loves me, I feel like an a**hole not being able to just get past his feelings at first. It makes me feel like an insecure person and I hate it. I wish I could just focus on the now, and I try it everyday, but I guess this triggered me and I didn't behave good at all. So while I get his need for space and I feel terrible for not behaving my best, it pains me a lot that he's not understanding my need as he knows I'm insecure about this.

I've been writing him good night and good morning and he answers right away. Not lovingly as other days, but I thank him and it makes me feel that he's very mad but not ignoring me. So I know he's trying.

So know I'm here, giving him space and thinking if I can deal with this when I'm feeling doubts and pain over the past. I don't think I'll be able to work it out without his help. It pains me a lot yo think like this but I'm trying to be honest with myself. I know it takes time to heal, and we both need it. 

I need a leap of trust. I love him and I'm very invested in him and this relationship working, but this made me realise I have to work more on myself. I can see that I've been trying to be secure for us both but I have a long wey to go before I can be that safe anchor at all times.

Well, here's for a bumpy ride.

Hi lilyg,

I'm sorry to hear about the bump as well, but you both sound like you are trying and of course, you're only human so please don't beat yourself up anymore. I know we AP types tend to fall back into that nasty habit of hurting ourselves in the process of already feeling hurt.

In terms of input I would not so silent if he is reaching out to you. You said he responds but you've decided to keep silent all day- why is that?

I think if he is reaching out, you should be just as responsive to him as he is to you unless he states he needs space. Trust me, I went silent on my FA ex a few weeks ago and he was furious that I didn't hold myself accountable to the same conduct as him.

Hi lilyg,

I'm sorry to hear about the bump as well, but you both sound like you are trying and of course, you're only human so please don't beat yourself up anymore. I know we AP types tend to fall back into that nasty habit of hurting ourselves in the process of already feeling hurt.

In terms of input I would not so silent if he is reaching out to you. You said he responds but you've decided to keep silent all day- why is that?

I think if he is reaching out, you should be just as responsive to him as he is to you unless he states he needs space. Trust me, I went silent on my FA ex a few weeks ago and he was furious that I didn't hold myself accountable to the same conduct as him.