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Post by lilyg on Oct 19, 2018 5:13:26 GMT
Thank you both 😊 a lot of it has to be because of the help here. I can understand him more, and of course, I can see the role I play, either by acting secure and when I'm trapped in anxiousness. I can see a starting pattern I want to end. It's someone I don't want to become, much less for this man I love.
I see what I must tackle inside of me, and I'm very happy he's trying to help me with it. I can see commitment from both of us. I'll try my best to continue developing a healthy relationship. I see him do it to.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 7:21:39 GMT
Thank you both 😊 a lot of it has to be because of the help here. I can understand him more, and of course, I can see the role I play, either by acting secure and when I'm trapped in anxiousness. I can see a starting pattern I want to end. It's someone I don't want to become, much less for this man I love. I see what I must tackle inside of me, and I'm very happy he's trying to help me with it. I can see commitment from both of us. I'll try my best to continue developing a healthy relationship. I see him do it to. h I totally understand what you're saying lilyg. I too TRY, to act secure when I'm really full of fear and somethimes resentment. What I have found is even if I'm faking it it is still a much better outcome than going off on a full Ap tangent. I know I'm not being truly authentic at the time, but that's ok, because the other way I would have behaved always left me feeling guilty, sad, regretful and so damn anxious. There is a saying in the recovery rooms off addicts. When in early recovery " fake it to make it". I do believe that even though i am being a lot more conscious off my behaviour now and sometimes being fake, it is having a slow but positive result on how we both behave and my bf has definitely changed for the better too. As time goes on these changes are making my feelings a little more authentic and I am very slowly becoming less anxious and less preoccupied 😙 Thinking off you both today, your beautiful and so thoughtful, he is not going to let you go anywhere Lass 😘 |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 19, 2018 8:21:33 GMT
Fake it till you make it does work! I wouldn't say you're acting fake though trying to act secure, you're trying to get there.
You're learning to check yourself instead of going off the rails. See it as empowering, you're growing. Its still an authentic you trying to heal even though you may feel fake right now. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 9:11:35 GMT
Fake it till you make it does work! I wouldn't say you're acting fake though trying to act secure, you're trying to get there.
You're learning to check yourself instead of going off the rails. See it as empowering, you're growing. Its still an authentic you trying to heal even though you may feel fake right now. Morning, and thanks your your positive take on this and helping me see it another way. And yesss your right in what you say 😁 cheers for that one mate 😉. Have A good day x |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 20, 2018 12:27:53 GMT
Fake it till you make it does work! I wouldn't say you're acting fake though trying to act secure, you're trying to get there.
You're learning to check yourself instead of going off the rails. See it as empowering, you're growing. Its still an authentic you trying to heal even though you may feel fake right now. Morning, and thanks your your positive take on this and helping me see it another way. And yesss your right in what you say 😁 cheers for that one mate 😉. Have A good day x You're welcome.  Being able to keep your behavior in check when you're twisted up inside is huge.
And thank you. Im just going to live my life and in due time my feelings will go away for him. I wish him well.
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 20, 2018 15:36:08 GMT
I’m sorry to hear about that.
Fights are and arguments are part of a relationship. The things is that when I’m fighting with a secure partner we both know that we are just expressing our feelings, we are conscious that we will probably say things that we don’t actually mean and we both know somehow that it’s not the end, things are going to be just fine. But the times I got in an argument with an insecure attached partner the whole thing were much more confusing. In some way while dating an insecure I have to swallow my anger or try to communicate it in a much calmer way and it would still be much more dramatic. And well I am not able to be the super calm one all the time even if I try too.
I hope that you guys can be good again because you seem to love each other.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2018 20:50:37 GMT
Fake it till you make it does wonders for me, I'll try to apply it here 😊 A bad update, all my fault. We were having an amazing night yesterday but this came up again and I finally told him a friend of him told me that before he had an attitude of having a lot of options and that was that triggered me, as last night it was just me sobbing on how sad I was and he didn't get it. I did not want to explain this as I didn't want to cause trouble to the friend. He was very mad at both of us, I tried to explain how I took it out of context and I over amplified as it is a trigger for me so I activate (fear of abandonment after the breakup and my parents dying) and that his friend probably didn't mean anything bad, but he was having none of it. He was telling me it was not the same he's dealing with because of his upbringing. I told him it was but decided to just tell it once and repair quickly bringing physical closeness as some of you has told me here when dealing with the start of a deactivation. It worked very good and we made up. As I thought, I misunderstood. So now I can close these feelings and focus on the present and my reactions. But I messed up big time. We were even talking before about why he feels the way he does, and I'm sorry it had to come to that point tonight, as we where having a lot of connection and love. I'm so sorry I made him hurt, maybe I should have lied. Now he got mad again because he started to talk to his friend before we talked everything and the friend told him she didn't say that he was seeing a lot of girls (I didn't say that, but If did ask him that on tuesday and I guess everything mixed) and that she was consoling me as I was explaining my fears to her. We talked about intimate things I felt and he got upset I did not talk to him instead of her. I'm sorry for affecting his friend too. I messed up big time and I understand his hurt. I will even understand if he breaks up with me, I put him in a terrible position. I think he knows I try to understand and I get where he is comming from, but then gets angry at me when our dynamics clash and is not very aware of that still (on how sometimes activation works). This is still not an excuse and I understand if he does not want to be around this. I left and I'll give him time but I'm scared I will hurt him again. It's not fair to him. I can only imagine what os he feeling. This breaks my heart as I know I'm very responsible of hurting a person I love a lot. He's a great person and I hace not givwn him my best. hope we can take the decision that works best for both. I'm sorry for posting all this drama but I don't want to involve more people he knows as I've breached his trust enough. I guess I just need to vent and calm down. Thank you all! Lilyg, it's so normal to have a fall out and not always agree.. In the whole 28yrs with my late husband we would often air are hurts and frustration and rant and rave. Yet in the morning after the blow out, we always new we would say sorry and grow a little hug and make up. I so know I can't allow or afford such of passionate outburst with my FA as he will surely leave me. It frustrates me sometimes as he can act very passive aggressive towards others, but can't take anyone... And I mean anyone calling him out, or even getting upset at his views and actions. Please dont blame yourself for everything, something brought you to feel like this. He has to own up to what part he played in bringing you to being so hurt and upset. I know as an AP I don't often handle situations as calm and composed as I would like, but I have normally been pushed by another's carelessness to cause this reaction in me. But AP's often end up looking like the bad guys just because we express ourselves in a more seen overt manner, unlike the covert passive aggressive manner of those we are up against. I'm not suggesting this is the case with you, but it's what I am able to now observed in my relationships, now I am taking a step back and looking at the whole real picture. It's been very eye opening for me and I'm not so quick to take the whole blame and always be the one to apologize. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2018 16:32:24 GMT
Yes of course in an ideal world. But in very long term togetherness and being human your going to have a blow out at sometime, it shouldn't mean the end. And we all aim to handle our emotions better, and not hurt ourselves and others, but it does happen.
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Post by anne12 on Oct 22, 2018 17:46:24 GMT
Hi Lilyg.
I hope things will work out between you and your boyfriend.
Your fight when (being drunk or not) could have put both of you in a thread responce mode. When there's crises, it is recommended to try to not fight/stay in a negative state for too long. The negative state can turn into the long term memory in your brain and your partner, child, friend will "become your enemy".
I know you both were triggered and you were both talking about leaving the relationship.
The things his friend told you, was also a trigger for you. I would get things out in the open (not when drunk) - because it can hunt you later.
Your reaction could have taken you into a trauma whirl wind. If you are not able to stop it by yourself (with the water tank exercise ect.) and your boyfriend or others can´t help you to get out of it, then you have to go all the way through it.
You can also maybe try to look into your typical anger pattern - and your boyfriends angerpattern.
How did your family show anger? Are you still angry about something/someone in your life? What is anger from the past and what is anger from the precent ect.?
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Post by lilyg on Oct 22, 2018 20:32:35 GMT
Hi Lilyg. I hope things will work out between you and your boyfriend. Your fight when (being drunk or not) could have put both of you in a thread responce mode. When there's crises, it is recommended to try to not fight/stay in a negative state for too long. The negative state can turn into the long term memory in your brain and your partner, child, friend will "become your enemy". I know you both were triggered and you were both talking about leaving the relationship. The things his friend told you, was also a trigger for you. I would get things out in the open (not when drunk) - because it can hunt you later. Your reaction could have taken you into a trauma whirl wind. If you are not able to stop it by yourself (with the water tank exercise ect.) and your boyfriend or others can´t help you to get out of it, then you have to go all the way through it. You can also maybe try to look into your typical anger pattern - and your boyfriends angerpattern. How did your family show anger? Are you still angry about something/someone in your life? What is anger from the past and what is anger from the precent ect.? Hi Anne, as always you have very interesting input! Totally, I was embarrassed to tell him about my irrational insecurities and look how it ended! Haha. No alcohol for me anymore but I know the real way to handle it is to tackle bad thoughts on good times. I have not experienced much anger at my home. My father was the most secure and calm person I've ever known 😊 Mom was my best friend, she was lovable to me, I loved her so much and she only got angry when I was being a dumb teenager, so everything was very normal. I think my anger comes from my own internal process. I have been very angry at the world and myself. It's complicated, but the death of my mother was especially traumatizing on how it happened. I've done therapy to get closure and I think I'm almost there. Everyone thinks I'm super positive but clearly I have still have baggage. This is a kick in the butt for me to return to therapy and finally finish with this. About my boyfriend, he's discussed with me about this in the way it affects him. So I guess we're both very aware but clashing still happen sometimes😊 with this learned, next time I'll be better st handling it. Thank you 😘 |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 22, 2018 21:09:42 GMT
We all have baggage. You're just still working on packing yours up and putting in a 'secure place'. You'll get there. |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 22, 2018 21:32:51 GMT
We all have baggage. You're just still working on packing yours up and putting in a 'secure place'. You'll get there. 😁 I guess life is beautiful in this kind of way. It's dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered. From Island by Aldous Huxley, as I enjoy sci fi a lot😊 |
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Post by lilyg on Nov 21, 2018 8:03:09 GMT
I've been dealing with alcohol lately. Usually I'm very fun and chill when I drink but when I drink into a blackout I'm a depressed drunk, and it's... Horrible. I've decided to stop drinking. I don't drink everyday at all but this is affecting my body and mind lately.
But the most important thing is that I've revived while drunk a very ugly tendency of me thinking I'm unlovable. It's still there. I've started to work on a book called 'The artist's way'. It focuses on dealing with negative thoughts about the self and the creative potential we all have. I've also been painting more. I recommend this book to you guys if you feel like working on your inner artist ☺️
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Post by ocarina on Nov 21, 2018 14:09:23 GMT
I've been dealing with alcohol lately. Usually I'm very fun and chill when I drink but when I drink into a blackout I'm a depressed drunk, and it's... Horrible. I've decided to stop drinking. I don't drink everyday at all but this is affecting my body and mind lately. But the most important thing is that I've revived while drunk a very ugly tendency of me thinking I'm unlovable. It's still there. I've started to work on a book called 'The artist's way'. It focuses on dealing with negative thoughts about the self and the creative potential we all have. I've also been painting more. I recommend this book to you guys if you feel like working on your inner artist ☺️ Great book - very nurturing. I am a sculptor alongside my other full on (medical) profession, sculpture is just wonderful, freeing and all consuming. Enjoy your painting - funnily enough, painting I find really quite frightening - the blank page, the expectations - it makes me tense which I think is probably why I should do more of it, although at the moment time doesn't really allow. Sculpture somehow just flows. Interesting. |
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Post by lilyg on Nov 21, 2018 15:03:41 GMT
I've been dealing with alcohol lately. Usually I'm very fun and chill when I drink but when I drink into a blackout I'm a depressed drunk, and it's... Horrible. I've decided to stop drinking. I don't drink everyday at all but this is affecting my body and mind lately. But the most important thing is that I've revived while drunk a very ugly tendency of me thinking I'm unlovable. It's still there. I've started to work on a book called 'The artist's way'. It focuses on dealing with negative thoughts about the self and the creative potential we all have. I've also been painting more. I recommend this book to you guys if you feel like working on your inner artist ☺️ Great book - very nurturing. I am a sculptor alongside my other full on (medical) profession, sculpture is just wonderful, freeing and all consuming. Enjoy your painting - funnily enough, painting I find really quite frightening - the blank page, the expectations - it makes me tense which I think is probably why I should do more of it, although at the moment time doesn't really allow. Sculpture somehow just flows. Interesting. I'd like to try sculpture must feel amazing! I love painting and drawing. It relaxes me. When I'm nota feeling very creative I do some exercises. |
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Being able to keep your behavior in check when you're twisted up inside is huge.
