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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 13:03:40 GMT
I get that Juniper, I do. I know he has moved on..I know I have not. The tendency I have is to fixate on an old partner or move that to a new one. I was without a partner for 6 years and felt I had made tremendous strides and then the whole thing with (the guy you don't want to hear about) and I found myself back almost at square one. I have been in therapy for decades....so although therapy has it's place, it is not a miracle cure. Perhaps the best answer is to take this (meaning my process) off the boards....because my timeline just is not the same as others. I know you mean well and respect your say it like it is approach. I also just started on the medication and am hopeful that that will assist as well.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 13:16:10 GMT
I get that Juniper, I do. I know he has moved on..I know I have not. The tendency I have is to fixate on an old partner or move that to a new one. I was without a partner for 6 years and felt I had made tremendous strides and then the whole thing with (the guy you don't want to hear about) and I found myself back almost at square one. I have been in therapy for decades....so although therapy has it's place, it is not a miracle cure. Perhaps the best answer is to take this (meaning my process) off the boards....because my timeline just is not the same as others. I know you mean well and respect your say it like it is approach. I also just started on the medication and am hopeful that that will assist as well. i wouldn't encourage you to take it off the boards. what i can do is step back to not interfere. it is a matter of my personal preference for my own integrity and authenticity in interaction. i truly hope you find your healing tnr9!! ❤️ |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 26, 2018 15:10:43 GMT
Just because you are not miss Right for B, does not mean you are not miss Right for you.
You are the One.
Give yourself everything that you want to receive from the right man.
That will show your soul what you deserve.
Then learn to stay in your worth next time you fall in love.
What forms of therapy have you tried?
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Post by ocarina on Aug 26, 2018 15:11:45 GMT
I get that Juniper, I do. I know he has moved on..I know I have not. The tendency I have is to fixate on an old partner or move that to a new one. I was without a partner for 6 years and felt I had made tremendous strides and then the whole thing with (the guy you don't want to hear about) and I found myself back almost at square one. I have been in therapy for decades....so although therapy has it's place, it is not a miracle cure. Perhaps the best answer is to take this (meaning my process) off the boards....because my timeline just is not the same as others. I know you mean well and respect your say it like it is approach. I also just started on the medication and am hopeful that that will assist as well. As the thread title says - old habits die hard. There's no meaning to your ruminations and getting caught in the thoughts is nothing more than your neural pathways which are entrenched, playing out their thing. The danger with this board - and any kind of repetitive cycling through thoughts, is that in some cases it seems to further cement the loop if you see what I mean - your process here has been about this relationship (or its aftermath) and the continued discussion is still all about that process and I just wonder if that's not being helpful for you? Acknowledging feelings to yourself without giving them meaning and then sitting in that lonely place of pain, is where the route to freedom lies. Of course I can't say if this applies to you, but I think the kind of circling around experience that journalling can encourage, actually avoids having to live the experience fully if that makes any sense? Of course we are all very much here to listen. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 17:19:11 GMT
I get that Juniper, I do. I know he has moved on..I know I have not. The tendency I have is to fixate on an old partner or move that to a new one. I was without a partner for 6 years and felt I had made tremendous strides and then the whole thing with (the guy you don't want to hear about) and I found myself back almost at square one. I have been in therapy for decades....so although therapy has it's place, it is not a miracle cure. Perhaps the best answer is to take this (meaning my process) off the boards....because my timeline just is not the same as others. I know you mean well and respect your say it like it is approach. I also just started on the medication and am hopeful that that will assist as well. i wouldn't encourage you to take it off the boards. what i can do is step back to not interfere. it is a matter of my personal preference for my own integrity and authenticity in interaction. i truly hope you find your healing tnr9 !! ❤️ I never interpreted it as interference Juniper....that is why I thought taking it off board might be a better approach...especially because I don't want to cause you to feel like you have to step back I met up with a friend who has just gotten engaged and I got to meet her fiancée and I was able to see what a true relationship of mutual love and respect looks like..and it was soooooo different from what I have ever had that it seemed foreign. It was good to see it. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 17:28:14 GMT
I get that Juniper, I do. I know he has moved on..I know I have not. The tendency I have is to fixate on an old partner or move that to a new one. I was without a partner for 6 years and felt I had made tremendous strides and then the whole thing with (the guy you don't want to hear about) and I found myself back almost at square one. I have been in therapy for decades....so although therapy has it's place, it is not a miracle cure. Perhaps the best answer is to take this (meaning my process) off the boards....because my timeline just is not the same as others. I know you mean well and respect your say it like it is approach. I also just started on the medication and am hopeful that that will assist as well. As the thread title says - old habits die hard. There's no meaning to your ruminations and getting caught in the thoughts is nothing more than your neural pathways which are entrenched, playing out their thing. The danger with this board - and any kind of repetitive cycling through thoughts, is that in some cases it seems to further cement the loop if you see what I mean - your process here has been about this relationship (or its aftermath) and the continued discussion is still all about that process and I just wonder if that's not being helpful for you? Acknowledging feelings to yourself without giving them meaning and then sitting in that lonely place of pain, is where the route to freedom lies. Of course I can't say if this applies to you, but I think the kind of circling around experience that journalling can encourage, actually avoids having to live the experience fully if that makes any sense? Of course we are all very much here to listen. I do understand Ocarina....I had a good cry earlier...nothing to do with your comment or even with this post...but I just felt my mom's "get over it already", "stop being selfish", "stop having a pity party" and I needed to sit in the hurt of feeling like a burden to her. It was a good 10 minutes of deep sobbing....and it did not involve any guy what so ever. I am proud that I tied it back correctly and that I sat in it versus trying to distract myself or trying to make it about another person. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 17:31:27 GMT
Just because you are not miss Right for B, does not mean you are not miss Right for you. You are the One. Give yourself everything that you want to receive from the right man. That will show your soul what you deserve. Then learn to stay in your worth next time you fall in love. What forms of therapy have you tried? Thanks Goldilocks. Mainly my therapy has been CBT based. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 26, 2018 17:38:31 GMT
I had a good cry earlier...nothing to do with your comment or even with this post...but I just felt my mom's "get over it already", "stop being selfish", "stop having a pity party" and I needed to sit in the hurt of feeling like a burden to her. It was a good 10 minutes of deep sobbing....and it did not involve any guy what so ever. I am proud that I tied it back correctly and that I sat in it versus trying to distract myself or trying to make it about another person. Interestingly, when I read the rest of the thread up to your post a few minutes ago, I was going to say... don't underestimate how difficult it is to get over narcissistic abuse. Many people don't get over it. So even though it's not really about B at this point, it's also not a quick thing. But you can continue to use your feelings for him as an opportunity to get feedback on where else you still need healing. I've seen a lot of those allusions to problem spots in your own posts that start with B but then end up in places with nothing to do with him. And then that's where you ended up again in this post, too. I've been having a really rough weekend for coping too, even with earned secure, so it certainly happens. I think the guidance you're getting in this thread is to stay deep enough in your process to keep healing/growing, and that B at this point is more of a "symptom"/concept than the real issue to solve for. So if you stay at the level of B being the problem for you, you're staying at too superficial a spot to get past it, and you're receiving encouragement not to get stuck there. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 17:38:37 GMT
i wouldn't encourage you to take it off the boards. what i can do is step back to not interfere. it is a matter of my personal preference for my own integrity and authenticity in interaction. i truly hope you find your healing tnr9 !! ❤️ I never interpreted it as interference Juniper....that is why I thought taking it off board might be a better approach...especially because I don't want to cause you to feel like you have to step back I met up with a friend who has just gotten engaged and I got to meet her fiancée and I was able to see what a true relationship of mutual love and respect looks like..and it was soooooo different from what I have ever had that it seemed foreign. It was good to see it. it is good to see healthy relating! i get it! i am in a profession where i deal with people on a very personal level. sometimes, i individually work with partners in a couple/ there are a few couples that i have listened to and observed as individuals, to how they relate to their partner when the partner isn't around. these couples have shown me how love looks, and behaves, and talks. I have heard the individuals express such hapiness and thankfulness for what their partner adds to their lives. I listen about the real compassion, the real investment, the real blessing that these people offer and receive from their partners. It mentored me, this witnessing. I developed a new standard, a new aspiration, for myself and my relationships. what i mean, about stepping back, is that i do not wish to wound you. i really don't!! In order for me to be authentic and genuine in my interaction with you, without the desire to meddle and control, i need to be sure that i can express my true feelings and thoughts, just for my own integrity. i realize there are boundaries at play and i am no stranger to that, what i am speaking to is my need to be true, that's all. with respect also to your needs. so, when i see a logical error, or a vastly different meaning in something, i am inclined to point it out, not as a means to be critical, but as a means to support. this is a trait that i value in my friendships, and although i feel challenged and uncomfortable myself when a strong woman or man speaks without trepidation to my blind spots, i am thankful for it, when i move beyond my reflex. so, i just don't want to make you feel hunted by a critical eye, or hounded by an analytical perspective that hurts you to much to be constructive. i wouldn't like to see you go away for it though, so we can just hash it out! there is a lot of good support here!  |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 17:51:36 GMT
I never interpreted it as interference Juniper....that is why I thought taking it off board might be a better approach...especially because I don't want to cause you to feel like you have to step back I met up with a friend who has just gotten engaged and I got to meet her fiancée and I was able to see what a true relationship of mutual love and respect looks like..and it was soooooo different from what I have ever had that it seemed foreign. It was good to see it. it is good to see healthy relating! i get it! i am in a profession where i deal with people on a very personal level. sometimes, i individually work with partners in a couple/ there are a few couples that i have listened to and observed as individuals, to how they relate to their partner when the partner isn't around. these couples have shown me how love looks, and behaves, and talks. I have heard the individuals express such hapiness and thankfulness for what their partner adds to their lives. I listen about the real compassion, the real investment, the real blessing that these people offer and receive from their partners. It mentored me, this witnessing. I developed a new standard, a new aspiration, for myself and my relationships. what i mean, about stepping back, is that i do not wish to wound you. i really don't!! In order for me to be authentic and genuine in my interaction with you, without the desire to meddle and control, i need to be sure that i can express my true feelings and thoughts, just for my own integrity. i realize there are boundaries at play and i am no stranger to that, what i am speaking to is my need to be true, that's all. with respect also to your needs. so, when i see a logical error, or a vastly different meaning in something, i am inclined to point it out, not as a means to be critical, but as a means to support. this is a trait that i value in my friendships, and although i feel challenged and uncomfortable myself when a strong woman or man speaks without trepidation to my blind spots, i am thankful for it, when i move beyond my reflex. so, i just don't want to make you feel hunted by a critical eye, or hounded by an analytical perspective that hurts you to much to be constructive. i wouldn't like to see you go away for it though, so we can just hash it out! there is a lot of good support here! Yes...I was actually thinking about your comment earlier that all he wanted was something casual and I think it did touch something very deep. So many of my friends have approached this situation with either white kid gloves or have slammed him....neither has been helpful. But you cut to the chase...you cut through all his statements that made it seem possible that there was something more and I somehow missed out on it...so I thank you for that. I will own that I as angry initially....who wants to be told that they were a short term distraction....but denying that reality has kept me locked in a battle of being hopeful and then devastated. I did that to myself..it was self inflicted. I still don't know what I am going to do next. Usually I just want to find the next guy but I want to stop chasing after potential..so for now I am just going to pause. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 18:02:50 GMT
i've actually been there- found out that something i thought was something, was nothing.
it's a little different on the attachment style spectrum but woman to woman, i know EXACTLY what that feels like.
yes, he may or may not have initially been transparent.
you may or may not have held illusions that weren't based in what he was actually saying andndoing-
but usually, the one with the smaller investment KNOWS they are making a smaller investiment, and risking little to nothing, when they are watching someone else make a large investment!
humans are selfish until they're not.
it's a shitty reality, that he was thinking about his own agenda; and didn't give much attention to yours .
yes, we are responsible for our choices and lives and hangups- but he was hurtful in his choices and hangups too.
as it's been said, hurt people hurt people.
he had his cuddle buddy and probably had an inkling that she was becoming attached- he eventually ended it but a lot of things had already happened. bad on him. but the experience can give you a new set of criteria for sincerity- you'll have to see it to believe it.
i'd be angry too.
but any emotion you have, feel it and let it go.
easier said than done, i know. but any holding on is going to keep you from opening your hands up for something better.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 18:06:01 GMT
I had a good cry earlier...nothing to do with your comment or even with this post...but I just felt my mom's "get over it already", "stop being selfish", "stop having a pity party" and I needed to sit in the hurt of feeling like a burden to her. It was a good 10 minutes of deep sobbing....and it did not involve any guy what so ever. I am proud that I tied it back correctly and that I sat in it versus trying to distract myself or trying to make it about another person. Interestingly, when I read the rest of the thread up to your post a few minutes ago, I was going to say... don't underestimate how difficult it is to get over narcissistic abuse. Many people don't get over it. So even though it's not really about B at this point, it's also not a quick thing. But you can continue to use your feelings for him as an opportunity to get feedback on where else you still need healing. I've seen a lot of those allusions to problem spots in your own posts that start with B but then end up in places with nothing to do with him. And then that's where you ended up again in this post, too. I've been having a really rough weekend for coping too, even with earned secure, so it certainly happens. I think the guidance you're getting in this thread is to stay deep enough in your process to keep healing/growing, and that B at this point is more of a "symptom"/concept than the real issue to solve for. So if you stay at the level of B being the problem for you, you're staying at too superficial a spot to get past it, and you're receiving encouragement not to get stuck there. I am sorry you are going through a rough patch Alexadra. I don't think B is a Narc....I think there are things he did that reminded me of the ex Narcs I dated...but I am not sure how much of that was my interpretation of his actions versus his true intent. Yes...I do tend to make connections often in posts that move me from it being about a guy to something deeper. My step father calls this my brain jumping around..,but when I can get there..get down to what I am really dealing with..it is very helpful. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 26, 2018 18:16:38 GMT
I wasn't referring to B as the narc. You've mentioned some rough family dynamics before, and it is all tied together.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 26, 2018 18:18:37 GMT
as it's been said, hurt people hurt people. So very true! |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 19:23:38 GMT
I wasn't referring to B as the narc. You've mentioned some rough family dynamics before, and it is all tied together. Oh..I see...I don't think my mom is a narc....my dad was. My mom just did not know how to handle her overly emotional daughter. |
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