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Post by ocarina on Aug 25, 2018 20:54:05 GMT
Following on from a discussion on Lilyg's recent thread, I wonder if anyone has any ideas on the spread of attachment types across the genders.
As someone who for many years has displayed DA behaviour, I am, compared to most women, intensely practical (sorry not meaning to generalise here!), not overtly emotional, career focused, rational - in other words I often find I have more in common with men than other women. I am not social for the sake of it, not really interested in talking unless it's to discuss something meaningful, not interested in style, fashion, celebrity etc and have often felt very out of step with my female peers.
I am interested - is this typical - do DA women tend to feel like this? Do AP men feel perhaps somewhat more in touch with their feminine - and AP ladies - are you intensely female?
Maybe there's no correlation at all and I realise that we have a pretty small sample size posting on here - in particular not sure we have any DA men? Interested to hear ideas on this.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 25, 2018 22:00:19 GMT
I'm recovering AP and have often wondered (before figuring out my insecure attachment stuff) if my trouble in relationships is because my personality and career ambitions are not very traditionally feminine at all. I look the part just fine, but most of my friends are guys, my ltr exes have told me I'm hyper-rational and incredibly reasonable, and I've gotten unpleasant unsolicited feedback from a guy I had no romantic involvement with or interest in that I'd have no issues finding a husband if I would just stop being so nerdy. 😠
I'm extroverted, so socialize for the sake of it, but not in a small talk way. I have enough knowledge of fashion and celebrity to be polite (and of sports as well, same reason), but I'm far less interested in shallow conversation and can come across as intense that way.
I think people are just people, but I wonder if the socialization aspect may influence how primary caregivers interact with their kids... yes, there may be a split between avoidant men and anxious women because of the ways which society encourages each gender to express themselves as they grow up. But parents may also be treating their sons differently from their daughters right from the very beginning, which could result in any resulting insecure attachment manifesting differently?
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 22:30:07 GMT
Hello 😊 well, I'm very career focused and I love working in a competitive place, and I enjoy things that are not super femenine. I'm not very interested in fashion or celebrities, either. I dislike them. I guess nobody that knows me would tell I'm very feminine in the traditional sense. I'm a bit of a nerd on things not many women like. But yes, I talk about my feelings if I need to. It is the way I connect. I have more interests in common with men and I have good guy friends but I have plenty of girlfriends too. I don't like fashion but I like poetry, for example. So I guess I'm an emotional being. I've read guys like connecting doing activities, and women bond when talking. I don't know if it is true or if it has to do with personalities or upbringing. For example, my mom was very, very rational and my father was very emotional, so I don't know why I am this way  but I usually see women need/can talk more about feelings than men. I suppose men feel more ashamed or put less emphasis on that because of family/society etc. My boyfriend agreed but maybe we pulled that data out of our 🍑 (we were talking with his friends about them not understanding women sometimes and honest misunderstandings). Maybe it's the society I grew in. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 25, 2018 22:38:36 GMT
I'm recovering AP and have often wondered (before figuring out my insecure attachment stuff) if my trouble in relationships is because my personality and career ambitions are not very traditionally feminine at all. I look the part just fine, but most of my friends are guys, my ltr exes have told me I'm hyper-rational and incredibly reasonable, and I've gotten unpleasant unsolicited feedback from a guy I had no romantic involvement with or interest in that I'd have no issues finding a husband if I would just stop being so nerdy. 😠 I'm extroverted, so socialize for the sake of it, but not in a small talk way. I have enough knowledge of fashion and celebrity to be polite (and of sports as well, same reason), but I'm far less interested in shallow conversation and can come across as intense that way. I think people are just people, but I wonder if the socialization aspect may influence how primary caregivers interact with their kids... yes, there may be a split between avoidant men and anxious women because of the ways which society encourages each gender to express themselves as they grow up. But parents may also be treating their sons differently from their daughters right from the very beginning, which could result in any resulting insecure attachment manifesting differently? I think the last bit may be related! |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 26, 2018 7:57:09 GMT
I'm Secure/DA and have always had a mix of very feminine and masculine interests. When it comes to working with my body and hands, I enjoy the more traditionally feminine activities. I like fashion, style more than trends, needlework, cooking, dance. I do not care for gossip or celebrities, watching sports or small talk. I enjoy intuitive and conceptual conversation. Mentally, I am analytical and a bit nerdy, yet mostly a broadly interested person. I am as much interested in history as I am in technology. For me it is important that my work is interesting and challenging enough to enable personal growth, with a sufficient salary to support a good life working 4 days a week. I enjoy a balance between career, friends, hobbies and solitude.
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andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Sept 2, 2018 7:03:03 GMT
I think gender and attachment is a very interesting topic!
I've mentioned before that I think some of my worst AP habits have been reinforced by feminine gender socialization (people-pleasing, self-doubt, self-blame, over-compromise, suppression of anger... well, these are aspects of my particular style of AP). At the same time, there's something stereotypically masculine about the AP role of pursuing someone (a DA who might be 'playing hard to get'?) and putting that person on a pedestal.
I am curious about whether/how gender expectations affect people's feelings towards their attachment issues. Like, can shame be intensified when we feel we're not meeting expectations? For example, for an AP man who is hurt really easily, takes things personally, wants a lot of reassurance... I think our society can be really cruel to men and boys who are highly sensitive.
Or the flip side, maybe some of us feel shame for fitting the gender expectations too much. I know I can be hard on myself about not being assertive enough, and I hate feeling disempowered in relationships, which is the way APs tend to feel. I extra hate feeling disempowered because I want to own my power as a woman.
Wherever shame comes from, I'm pretty sure it doesn't help our attachment issues!
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but I usually see women need/can talk more about feelings than men. I suppose men feel more ashamed or put less emphasis on that because of family/society etc. My boyfriend agreed but maybe we pulled that data out of our 🍑 (we were talking with his friends about them not understanding women sometimes and honest misunderstandings). Maybe it's the society I grew in.
