DA to me: "you shouldn't try to change your partner"

Again - it's interesting to see the responses to a question for advice, dependent upon the poster's predominant attachment style ...

and kibbins - did you write that you two dates for six months?
Six months is a very short time.
especially to have life-changing expectations
do yourself a favor and find partner you want ready-made, instead of trying to build one.
You're fed up, from not getting what you need. you really think you can be the support he needs to heal?

this is about just some basic emotional boundaries.
AP on here might encourage you another way.
I'm not sure they have the experience of successfully being in your position to back up whatever they might advise.

if two people are actively willing and mature enough to take responsibility for their own issues first, that's one thing. That's not what i have read here.

I read it- not sure I really relate to it so much though. For example,

"you’re reliant on there being varying levels of drama in your relationship so that the ‘need’ can be created.
As Florence Nightingale, you need your partners to be dependent on you for help, whether it’s that they say they can’t manage without you, or you decide they can’t manage without you and you position yourself as their ‘helper’. "


I'm definitely not reliant on there being drama, it's the opposite. I've never dealt with a DA or a partner uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, or even had a partner where things were rocky. this whole thing has been jarring, tbh. And yes, it's early. I lived w my ex for 5 yrs.

Right now I'm trying to figure out the best way to tell him that I care for him a lot but that we're not in a space to be able to meet each other's needs right now...... just trying to find the right words.

If we’re overinvesting in someone and a situation that lacks communication, love, care, trust or respect (for us and for our partner), no matter how much we do, no matter how much we suffer, it’s not going to yield the relationship we want. You clearly want something else than him, and it's perfectly ok. He wants to prioritize other things right now on his life.


OP, I'm in a relationship with a man who has avoidant tendencies. I talked with him about it and kindly walked away. I told him about it because I saw him distressed about it and wanted him to understand what was happening. He searched about it when we separated and decided he wanted to have a relationship with me. I also had time to think what I really wanted and how I was going to navigate through this.

We are very good but sometimes, even if I have a secure tendency and he is not that avoidant, we have to talk and discuss our differences. We work as a couple because we're both willing to compromise and be humble about ourselves. This is important because even if we are growing as persons, we will always be ourselves and have our own unique needs. All the other things we have in common is just a sweet wrap to enjoy ourselves and bond.

I suggest to yes, center on communication and that both of you talk about what you need from each other for this to work out in the long run. Dating is when you do that and see if you are compatible.

Think about what are you willing to understand and what are the things you cannot compromise. Be super honest with yourself and understand if he cannot give that to you. I know it's hard but it's heartbreaking to think of someone not staying true to their selves to preserve a relationship. This is not about anyone bending like a pretzel to meet someone else's needs.

If you need help to approach this in a less threatening way, here some people who understand your partner better are giving you insight on how he might feel.

Thank you lilyg for the insightful post, and juniper I also appreciate your point of view
A couple months ago before I "diagnosed" this guy (to myself) as DA I told him I needed him to be able to come to me after any sort of disagreement sometimes instead of it always being me, and he actually did do that. He also agreed to make me more of a priority (he planned a trip out of town the day before my bday w his friend without even mentioning it to be beforehand and I was hurt), he cancelled the trip. So there was moving towards compromise. But keep in mind since its only been 6 months things were even newer then.. I think theres been more devaluing of me since then..

Other thoughts-
Before him, someone actually called me an avoidant, that was how I even learned about attachment styles. They said I was unable to give emotional intimacy. At the time, I wasn't. Or maybe I just was not into that person enough. I tested a few days ago as secure. With this guy in our current state I feel a mixture of AP, secure, and sometimes FA.

Anyway, UPDATE ON THE SITUATION
I was thinking about it and feel I am probably not ready for a major commitment (several reasons here, with him, but also possibly in general), but missed him, (keep in mind we never put a title on things. the only thing we agreed to was to not be hooking up w other people- that was his request- and when i got back from out of town a few days ago he asked if I hooked up w anyone while I was out of town because I was not very responsive one night (I was working). I said no, I was working. I asked why is he so suspicious and he said "bc I'm paranoid AF". He then said sometimes when I don't respond he thinks I am getting with someone else to "get back at him or something". And I said for what. He said "Just generally not being a good guy. I think its easier for me to not get hurt by just assuming its going to happen." And I said "do you think you treat me poorly?" He said "No but I don't think I make you happy. And you want some stud to teach me a lesson." I asked another question but he ignored. Then later changed the subject.

Fast forward to.... Wednesday night when he came over and he basically left without saying bye. And I got upset and texted him "I'm done". After a few days of thinking about it and missed him I texted him today (this guy does not do phone calls)- and I asked what were his thoughts on where we stood. Every time there has been anything he wouldn't say his feelings and something totally ambiguous placing the decision on me and not putting himself out there and also not ending it.
His response today was: "I think you would agree it doesnt work between us as far as a relationship goes. We're in diff places. I like u a lot and care for u and ultimately want u in my life. But what we're been doing isnt right and isnt fair to u.l As far as diff places I mean I am trying to figure out my life and be happy with myself. And am prob not ready to be a partner. I can only offer so much right now." I told him I respected that and also don't want to be in a relationship with him right now, as we are not in positions to meet each others needs, it makes us compatible to be together relationship wise now. He agreed. He then changed the subject and we then started talking about diff stuff as friends. I kinda feel better. I don't know what that says about me but I think I could handle a friendship with him right now. I know he is active on dating apps and so am I. Although I haven't met anyone. Not really sure what will become of this. Although I am sure he has devalued me as a partner I do wonder what percentage of this is his own problems and which percentage is he doesn't see me that way. I can't really see him being able to be with anyone right now, and at the same time I can't see myself being with him in his current state whatsoever, but I do care for him a lot and enjoy having him in my life. So, thats whats happening at the moment.... BTW do my earlier things I mentioned sound like a DA? The paranoia and revenge stuff he mentioned? The thing about me having some stud teach him a lesson? hah. Theres so many layers to this.

Last thing I just remembered, he got upset one night and told me he couldn't trust me with his feelings because he thought I saw our relationship as a "game, like a puzzle". Because I asked him some questions. I studied psychology and this stuff is interesting to me! he does like opening up sometimes, because he doesnt open up to any of his friends, not even his therapist really. Btw, he told me his parents have "a happy marriage" and live in different states.  They see each other a couple times a year.