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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2018 16:48:18 GMT
i guess my first question would be, would you feel comfortable with your husband being this entangled emotionally with a woman from his past?
i'm trying to understand whether or not you have his support in this and if you would support it in reverse.
I understand wanting to clear the air but i am not clear on your motivation and whether or not it's an open topic in your current marriage.
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Post by epicgum on Aug 31, 2018 16:59:43 GMT
Yes, in my experience your romantic attachment style manifests itself in all of your relationships--so being avoidant or possibly fearful avoidant I tend to push everyone away and not keep in contact because they can stress me out...as a flp side...I am very lonely as a result of this, and realize that it's something that I need to change in order to be happier. (The avoidant mentality telling you that you don't need connection, but the truth is that you actually still do.)
I'm not really sure what your aim is...are you considering leaving your marriage and family to pursue this man who doesn't seem interested in you or even capable of a relationship? That seems incredibly short sighted.
It makes some sense to me that you might react this way emotionally, because this guy, being avoidant, can activate you in a way that your safe and secure husband cannot, and this might indicate that you have some issues with intimacy and closeness yourself (because you are so interested in someone unavailable).
The easier solution to me (and I am totally a man in a glass house throwing stones here) would be to try to find what you desire in this man from your past in the partner that you currently have. A lesson from a recently self-aware avoidant...you need intimacy and connection a great deal more than you need a chance to pursue the fantasy of this man from your past.
Hopefully that's not too rambling!
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Post by alexandra on Aug 31, 2018 17:55:15 GMT
lilos, it sounds to me like, through this experience, you've gotten an opportunity to shed light on the existing issues you've had for the majority of your life, and now you decide how much work you want to do to address them (which depends on how deeply they negatively impact your life and how much you desire to change, which will have a ripple effect on other relationships in your life). I don't think it's really about your ex, as much as that's naggingly unresolved because it's mirroring your own unresolved attachment issues. If your ex is still reading your messages, you might try a SHORT note with an apology and ownership that you've recently learned about attachment theory and that you insecurely attach as an AP and you've decided to work on it. And that maybe after you've spent significant time working through that you can reconnect and see if friendship may be possible, but you wish him well until then. And that's it, don't say anything about him or his attachment style.
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Post by epicgum on Aug 31, 2018 18:29:18 GMT
anne12 you are a machine with bringing up these helpful reference pages. (Getting myself to actually follow them is another matter of course!), Good on you for posting them so diligently and helpfully.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2018 18:33:45 GMT
anne12 you are a machine with bringing up these helpful reference pages. (Getting myself to actually follow them is another matter of course!), Good on you for posting them so diligently and helpfully. i follow how to heal dismissive, get on it epicgum 😙 |
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