Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 21:04:07 GMT
I wonder if there are any studies on how often siblings share the same attachment style. They've likely been raised the same way, so it would make sense. Lately I've come across three irl examples of siblings all with either the same insecure AP or FA style, though there was also the example on the board of someone friends with a set of DA and AP sisters. i am the youngest of 4- my twin brother and oldest brother and I are dismissive- i am unsure about my sister in the middle- but she seems FA, perhaps. i don't have a connection with her- actually i do but it's very painful and we are estranged for some years. She is pretty avoidant but seems to be very insecure in terms of self esteem and she is not an independent sort, and has always been afraid to be alone. so it seems like she may be FA with heavy avoidance. in the family dynamic she was the golden child and i the scapegoat and with me stepping out of my role, the family is weird and nobody knows what to do. So, that influences our relationship perhaps more than attachment style. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 2, 2018 21:05:56 GMT
I wonder if there are any studies on how often siblings share the same attachment style. They've likely been raised the same way, so it would make sense. Lately I've come across three irl examples of siblings all with either the same insecure AP or FA style, though there was also the example on the board of someone friends with a set of DA and AP sisters. It's my understanding that there is a strong chance of siblings either being both secure or both insecure, however not that they will necessarily both be the same insecure style. I don't think I've come across any studies where they looked at adult siblings to see if they shared an attachment style yet, but I did see a study of sibling babies that found their attachments to their mother were "significantly concordant when classified as secure/nonsecure but not when further subcategorized."[link; www.jstor.org/stable/1132346?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents ] Personally I think it's likely that more contributes to our attachment styles and how they are expressed than purely what happens when we are infants. The sister I mentioned in this thread and I were not actually raised in the same house, plus I'm sure even people who were raised together could have major differences due to all sorts of things, like being born at different times, being treated differently by their parents, other life experiences and relationships that were different, etc. This sister and I have always been very different, for example as a kid she would look at me like I was an alien when I cried. But again, we weren't raised in the same house. I have another sister who I was raised with (until I was maybe 13 or so) and I'm not sure what her main attachment style is, but I suspect it's pretty heavy on the avoidant side. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 21:06:29 GMT
oh, i'm sorry i misunderstood that. i read it differently and it confused me. sorry about that. I did not explain it clearly. i wouldn't be surprised if her emotion was due to pain she has seen you suffer. I misunderstood the story, it sounded like she was disparaging men and feeling sorry for herself "delusional idiots" - i didn't hear any empathy in that, just self justification but yes, if you two are close then i could see her feeling pain for you, as AP. i get it now, if that is what your take was. that wasn't clear to me. Jeb has an attachment style test, she could find out where she fits easily with that. have you seen it? jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/53-2/i think that is the right link. I think it's complex, she was disparaging people that she perceives as willfully indulging in a fantasy, but it's hard to say if the tears at the end were for herself in exasperation at feeling so misunderstood, or because inside she had a realization that her behavior is hurting people, and that I, someone she cares about deeply, got hurt by behavior similar to hers, and that it's not unusual or insane for people to have expectations or hopes due to certain acts. happyidiot , if she's willing/interested, maybe she will take the assessment. My understanding is that, aside from the anxiety measurements, the biggest high-level difference between DA and FA is positive view of self versus negative view of self. Both types have a negative view of attached others, which she appears to have expressed. She definitely has low self-esteem but it is very well hidden from people that don't know her very well. We both took that test and we both got FA. Her's was heavier on the DA, mine heavier on the AP. it's awesome you two are discovering this together!!!! |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 2, 2018 21:24:39 GMT
It's my understanding that there is a strong chance of siblings either being both secure or both insecure, however not that they will necessarily both be the same insecure style. Personally I think it's likely that more contributes to our attachment styles and how they are expressed than purely what happens when we are infants. Yes, I was thinking there's likely a strong correlation that you'll have a family of mostly securely attached or a family of mostly insecurely attached people even if not the same kind, then wasn't sure if it goes further. I have an AP sibling but suspect the insecure attachments of my aunts and uncles in the same family are not all in the same quadrant. Which I think also has to do with golden child / scapegoating differences that juniper mentioned. Also agree that, while I'm a big believer in how attachment theory explains behaviors and patterns in adults and can provide a good basis for healing, that it likely comes from more than the direct early infant experience. I spoke in another thread about how I suspect gender could play a role (if adult caretakers/society treat two kids differently just based on different genders), and I think the ongoing examples and reinforcement of negative attachment patterns all through childhood would cause deeper damage than if a child only experienced dysfunctional caretaking in very early development. Anyway, to try to get back on topic, I think it's pretty great that your sister was interested enough to continue to explore attachment with you! |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Sept 2, 2018 21:35:36 GMT
I'd prefer to see a beau every week for an evening to a whole week and then not for 2 months because I like having weeks with a bit of everything: Alone time, guy time, friends time...
Long distance is not practical when you want to become a bit more serious. Yes, it is safe in the beginning, but then the next step is a jump to getting someone to move and leave the life they are used to, which is much scarier than seeing someone twice a week and then if we both enjoy this every other day. I'd rather move forward slowly but surely.
|
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 3, 2018 8:07:35 GMT
I wonder that about the DA/FA thing as well. Reading about how rare FA was supposed to be I immediately discounted it, and yet it seems to match myself and a couple of other people in my life as well...seems too common for such a small slice of the population, but then, perhaps it's in my head. 5% is still 1 in every 20. And people come in clumps. If your mother was FA, chances are you have more FA friends and loves than average. I read one study that said that almost 20% of participants tested as FA. That would make much more sense to me than the oft-quoted statistic of 5%. I'm not even sure where that number comes from. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 3, 2018 8:08:59 GMT
I'd prefer to see a beau every week for an evening to a whole week and then not for 2 months because I like having weeks with a bit of everything: Alone time, guy time, friends time... Long distance is not practical when you want to become a bit more serious. Yes, it is safe in the beginning, but then the next step is a jump to getting someone to move and leave the life they are used to, which is much scarier than seeing someone twice a week and then if we both enjoy this every other day. I'd rather move forward slowly but surely. Oh I see, I misunderstood and thought you meant you wanted to see someone more often than once a week. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Sept 3, 2018 16:07:12 GMT
I wonder that about the DA/FA thing as well. Reading about how rare FA was supposed to be I immediately discounted it, and yet it seems to match myself and a couple of other people in my life as well...seems too common for such a small slice of the population, but then, perhaps it's in my head. 5% is still 1 in every 20. And people come in clumps. If your mother was FA, chances are you have more FA friends and loves than average. I read one study that said that almost 20% of participants tested as FA. That would make much more sense to me than the oft-quoted statistic of 5%. I'm not even sure where that number comes from. 20% fa sounds more intuitively right to me. Ok of course it's difficult for any one person to observe a statistic. |
|
