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Post by queenmab on Sept 2, 2018 3:28:13 GMT
I broke up with a guy a month ago whom I had been seeing for 6 weeks after I'd had enough of his distancing behavior, mixed messages and ambivalence. It might seem strong or indicative of a secure attachment style that I was able to break up with him, but sadly that's not the case. I had to break up with him because his behavior was making me incredibly anxious and triggering all kinds of abandonment issues. I had literally reached the end of my tether.
Also, in a very unhealthy way, I have spent the last month obsessing over what on earth happened between us, as it was just so confusing. I can't quite seem to get over him. I'm 40, so I'm not inexperienced with men, and yet it was the most baffling dating experience of my life. I've never experienced somebody being so into me, and then doing a complete 180 within a matter of weeks, coming up with all kinds of strange reasons as to why we are "incompatible". At one point he even mentioned that he was scared that the only reason he was into me was because he was "swept away" by my enthusiasm. This made me feel really bad about myself for a while, as I started to think that I was some kind of weirdo who goes about seducing innocent and helpless men who're not interested in me. But then I realized that this wasn't the case at all - he was definitely into me at first.
I've read a lot of the posts on here about dismissive avoidants, and that has given me some solace, as it helped me understand what might have been going on with him. It's helped me understand that there was nothing I did "wrong" really. At this point I don't think it would be constructive to include any more details about what happened between us because I think that this will just lead to me obsessing over him more instead of moving on and finding somebody who can give me what I need.
BUT!
I have come to wonder whether it's actually healthy to think of your ex as an avoidant. Don't you think that this just gives you hope that they might change one day and come back to you?
Don't you think that if somebody was really into you, avoidant or not, that they would *try* to make things work between you? If a man truly does like a woman, does he *really* sabotage things because of his attachment style? What if it's all just really simple at the end of the day - that he just wasn't that into me?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 3:54:36 GMT
it sounds like you're perhaps struggling with your own attachment style.
no one can say if he was or wasn't into you, and the inner workings of a dismissive are probably well beyond your ability to really understand. it really won't help you, to try to read his mind by learning about dismissives. a million things can be true about how we think or operate but when it comes to individuals, we are. and, no one here knows you or what you're like, what your dating experience was like from his perspective, it's truly useless to analyze this.
What might help you is if you determine your own attachment type (i'm guessing Anxious Preoccupied aka Ambivalent) and notice that you seem to be stuck on a guy who isn't stuck on you.
six weeks of dating is not long. It didn't work out. nobody here knows why.
Maybe he wasn't into you. and that would be ok ultimately, if you had healthy self esteem. Since it's really weighing on you, i encourage you to root out your own insecurity and focus on that instead of him, for your own good.
i don't think i have seen an anxious person correctly interpret the thoughts and actions of an avoidant, based on what they have read about avoidants in an attempt to understand them.. there always seems to be a subtle nuance to their interpretation that reflects their own insecurity or fantasy. for real. the analysis goes amiss, based on their own fears or expectations or bias. that's why it's really important to work on the fears, expectations, and bias (which is usually self- destructive) rather than try to interpret someone else's behaviors or lack of interest in the relationship you're looking for.
Jeb's main site has an attachment type test if you google it you can find it- also there is a good one by Diane Poole Heller.
best to you.
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Post by queenmab on Sept 2, 2018 4:24:13 GMT
Hello, Juniper. Thanks for your input.
And, yes, I think that you've hit the nail on the head that the heart of the matter is that I'm struggling with my own attachment style.
I haven't done any of the attachment style tests, but I have read lots of books on love addiction, and, I believe that I am Anxious Preoccupied (when in a relationship with an Avoidant who doesn't want me or who is confused) and Fearful Avoidant (when in a relationship with a secure person who actually wants me).
I think that I got very emotionally attached to this person far too quickly because the beginning of the relationship was so "hot and heavy" that it was like a high. And then when he started to pull away, but give mixed messages, the intermittent reinforcement made me get addicted to him.
To be quite frank, I am a little scared for myself that I seem to be having such a hard time letting go of somebody I only knew for 6 weeks. It would have been easier to let go if there had been a good ending, but he just completely cut off all contact, and this made me feel that he never cared for me. Also, because I was the one to end things, there's also the "hope" that he still has feelings for me. If he had ended things, it would be easier to accept that he just wasn't into me.
I have so many passionate feelings for him, but yet I am also aware enough to realize that I was probably only in love with the "idea" of him instead of the real him (I never got to know the "real" him because he was so emotionally closed off). You would think that it would make things easier to realize that my behavior is addictive/compulsive, but it actually just makes things worse because I keep swinging back and forth between addictive and rational behavior. When I'm in a rational moment, I can see how crazy my thinking is, and it's a bit scary.
I keep on wanting him to come back, and yet I know that he's not going to. And the irony is that even if he did come back, I wouldn't even want him. Why would I want to be with somebody who doesn't know if he's into me or not, and who gives mixed messages after only a few weeks of dating? I'm old enough to know that things shouldn't be that hard in the beginning of dating. The "him" that I want to come back is somebody who is able to communicate, be vulnerable, be consistent, be willing to work on his issues...and that's not him. So, essentially, I don't want him - I want an entirely different person.
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andy
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Post by andy on Sept 2, 2018 6:26:42 GMT
. . . I have come to wonder whether it's actually healthy to think of your ex as an avoidant. Don't you think that this just gives you hope that they might change one day and come back to you? Don't you think that if somebody was really into you, avoidant or not, that they would *try* to make things work between you? If a man truly does like a woman, does he *really* sabotage things because of his attachment style? What if it's all just really simple at the end of the day - that he just wasn't that into me? I have struggled with this thought process too, queenmab! Can relate very much. For me it has helped a little bit to notice that when I think that way I am creating a false distinction in my mind between my ex (who might *truly* like me... maybe?! possibly?! conceivably?!) and her attachment style (which prevented her *true self* from acting on her *true feelings*... maybe?! possibly?! conceivably?!). In reality, I don't think we are separate from our attachment styles. It's all part of the whole of who we are as people and how we feel towards others. Maybe my ex wasn't that into me, and maybe that was also shaped by her attachment style, you know? Both can be true a little bit true at the same time, and I guess probably neither tells the whole story. I was really into my ex and also aware that my attachment style exaggerated the intensity of that feeling and gave it an addictive property. You have that awareness about yourself as well, I think. I feel like it isn't accurate to say that I wasn't/am not *truly* into her just because my attachment style played some role in that. That would be too simple. If I were to transform myself to become a person with different attachment style, my feelings towards her might transform as part of that process. Probably in the direction of feeling less hung up on her (though not necessarily caring less about her). If she were to change a lot, her feelings towards me and our connection might change too. But each of us is as we are now, so the feelings are the way they are now as well. I have control only over my own transformation and the shift in my feelings that might result. I know that this is just a slight difference in the framing of an idea. Not sure if it makes much of a dent in the feelings, which I understand are not easily calmed by rational thinking. I can tell you're doing a lot of that already. Actually, on a bit of a separate note, you remind me of myself, with the logical running commentary in your mind overlaying the difficult feelings. I feel I could probably benefit from getting out of my head more... not sure if that's through meditation, art, or what. My head just keeps me spinning. Wishing you all the best. |
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andy
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Post by andy on Sept 2, 2018 7:53:30 GMT
That's so kind of you to take the time to list these techniques, anne12! I've heard some of them mentioned on the boards before but don't know what they all involve. Now I will do some research to find out! Thank you  |
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Post by queenmab on Sept 2, 2018 17:06:45 GMT
Thanks for your comments, Andy and Anne12.
"I feel like it isn't accurate to say that I wasn't/am not *truly* into her just because my attachment style played some role in that. That would be too simple."
You are lucky that you know your feelings for your ex were genuine. Although I was definitely interested in and attracted to my guy in the beginning, when he was still reciprocating my interest, I definitely had some Fearful Avoidant tendencies, telling myself that I didn't like his nose, and being bothered that he didn't know the meaning of a couple of words (words, language, and reading are really important for me) so I started to worry that we were incompatible. But as soon as he started to pull away, all worries about incompatibility went out the window as I just focused on getting him to want me again. It has occurred to me that if he had actually wanted a committed relationship, I would have been terrified.
So, in other words, did I even want him after all? All this pain and suffering for somebody I might not even want! I feel like such a fake and superficial person.
The trouble with having Fearful Avoidant tendencies is that I *know* I tend to focus on the flaws of somebody who is into me, probably as a way to distance myself and avoid intimacy. But this self-knowledge hasn't ever led to better relationships for me because I then get very confused about what is genuine incompatibility/lack of attraction, and what is me just using Fearful Avoidant tendencies to avoid intimacy. I feel like I can't trust my own judgement anymore.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 2, 2018 17:20:44 GMT
queenmab, I'm sorry you're struggling. But this doesn't mean you're a fake or superficial person! It means you have a lot of trauma that has gunked up your ability to understand your mind and motivations because so much is happening subconsciously to "defend" you. Unfortunately, the conditioning is so deep down that you have to focus a lot of work into healing and overcoming it. On their own, time or the right person or better mindfulness is likely not going to be enough to help you make significant improvements if you are FA and interested in healing. Those things won't get you deep enough to change the core fears. Finding the right professional to help you sort out the issues and work with you on a course of action to address them is likely your best bet.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 21:12:52 GMT
queenmab , I'm sorry you're struggling. But this doesn't mean you're a fake or superficial person! It means you have a lot of trauma that has gunked up your ability to understand your mind and motivations because so much is happening subconsciously to "defend" you. Unfortunately, the conditioning is so deep down that you have to focus a lot of work into healing and overcoming it. On their own, time or the right person or better mindfulness is likely not going to be enough to help you make significant improvements if you are FA and interested in healing. Those things won't get you deep enough to change the core fears. Finding the right professional to help you sort out the issues and work with you on a course of action to address them is likely your best bet. be encoouraged, there is a way forward, and that is to turn your love inward to address your own wounds and obstacles. its so fascinating, and we really can learn to use this to our healing advantage. The post started by questioning his issues and behaviors- was he just not into me? and the process brought you full circle to your own ambiguity- was i just not into him? the projections we use reflexively prevent us from tackling our own issues head on- but when you learn to recognize them, you can take any concerns you have about the "other" and look for clues about what is unsettled in yourself. we all have this tendency, and awakening to it leads to true freedom and healing within. that's where it counts!! |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 3, 2018 0:31:15 GMT
Personally I find it helpful to think that my ex broke up with me due to our attachment dynamic and sad childhoods rather than just believe he was never "into me" and that I am just crazy and completely imagined he was, but that's me. The important thing to know is that even if someone is avoidant and was avoiding you because they were scared of getting close, even if perhaps they really liked you and that triggered them, or they were triggered by you acting AP, they may still believe they aren't into you or even that they never were, so it doesn't make much difference in practical terms. They most likely are not sitting around wondering if they should beg you to take them back, thinking, "I have such strong feelings for her, I know I was only being distant because I'm afraid of love."
Sure people will sabotage things when they do truly like you, I've sabotaged things with people I truly liked or loved. You yourself broke up with him because you wanted to avoid being hurt, not because you didn't have feelings for him. You might look back and see some other behaviors in yourself that tested him or pushed him away before that as well.
We can't know someone's reasons and they might not even know their own reasons, so at the end of the day it doesn't matter whether someone was scared of closeness or just "wasn't that into you" for some other reason, the result is the same, that they are not in a place where they are able to meet your needs. For them to be a good partner to you and you to them you'd have to both have a willingness to work on things and see if you can express and understand and meet each other's needs.
If someone was being distant and pulling away because they have an avoidant attachment style, yes it might be possible that they might come back someday, and maybe things might be different, however pining for them and wishing and hoping for that is not going to make it happen so the solution either way is to move on with your life and let go of the attachment to that ever happening. For me, in order to let go of that attachment it wasn't necessary to convince myself "he's not avoidant, he's just not into you," but if it is for you then do what it takes to be able to let go.
Please don't beat yourself up over falling in love with someone you think you shouldn't have fallen in love with.
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Post by queenmab on Sept 3, 2018 2:59:25 GMT
queenmab , I'm sorry you're struggling. But this doesn't mean you're a fake or superficial person! It means you have a lot of trauma that has gunked up your ability to understand your mind and motivations because so much is happening subconsciously to "defend" you. Unfortunately, the conditioning is so deep down that you have to focus a lot of work into healing and overcoming it. On their own, time or the right person or better mindfulness is likely not going to be enough to help you make significant improvements if you are FA and interested in healing. Those things won't get you deep enough to change the core fears. Finding the right professional to help you sort out the issues and work with you on a course of action to address them is likely your best bet. Yes, I know there is definitely a lot of underlying trauma, and this depresses me because I know, as you say, that I have a lot of inner work to do on myself. I am 40, and you would think that I would have figured all of this stuff out by now. I've wasted so much time on unavailable men who didn't give a shit about me. I wish there was a course I could take called "How To Heal Your Inner Child in 90 Days - Or Your Money Back!" because "healing" myself seems so daunting a task, and it seems like it will take forever. It's hard to know how and where to get started. |
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Post by queenmab on Sept 3, 2018 3:04:15 GMT
queenmab , I'm sorry you're struggling. But this doesn't mean you're a fake or superficial person! It means you have a lot of trauma that has gunked up your ability to understand your mind and motivations because so much is happening subconsciously to "defend" you. Unfortunately, the conditioning is so deep down that you have to focus a lot of work into healing and overcoming it. On their own, time or the right person or better mindfulness is likely not going to be enough to help you make significant improvements if you are FA and interested in healing. Those things won't get you deep enough to change the core fears. Finding the right professional to help you sort out the issues and work with you on a course of action to address them is likely your best bet. be encoouraged, there is a way forward, and that is to turn your love inward to address your own wounds and obstacles. its so fascinating, and we really can learn to use this to our healing advantage. The post started by questioning his issues and behaviors- was he just not into me? and the process brought you full circle to your own ambiguity- was i just not into him? the projections we use reflexively prevent us from tackling our own issues head on- but when you learn to recognize them, you can take any concerns you have about the "other" and look for clues about what is unsettled in yourself. we all have this tendency, and awakening to it leads to true freedom and healing within. that's where it counts!! Yes, this is the good thing to come out of this very brief relationship - I feel that it has awakened me to the fact that I need to change. You suggested turning my love inward, but I'm not sure how. Do you have any practical strategies you could recommend? |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2018 3:17:00 GMT
be encoouraged, there is a way forward, and that is to turn your love inward to address your own wounds and obstacles. its so fascinating, and we really can learn to use this to our healing advantage. The post started by questioning his issues and behaviors- was he just not into me? and the process brought you full circle to your own ambiguity- was i just not into him? the projections we use reflexively prevent us from tackling our own issues head on- but when you learn to recognize them, you can take any concerns you have about the "other" and look for clues about what is unsettled in yourself. we all have this tendency, and awakening to it leads to true freedom and healing within. that's where it counts!! Yes, this is the good thing to come out of this very brief relationship - I feel that it has awakened me to the fact that I need to change. You suggested turning my love inward, but I'm not sure how. Do you have any practical strategies you could recommend? Recognition of the hurt and desire to heal it is the first step. Understanding the hurt more deeply, i would say, is the second step. What i used to do, is find myself a quiet spot where i could be alone, i liked a nice hot bath in a darkened bathroom, with a candle. And i'd bring my attention to my heart- the place in my chest where memories are, and my throat, where there was an ache from too many words choked back, unspoken. And I'd say to myself, "Juni, what happened to you? Where are you hurting?" and i would listen to what came up. I gave my self a space to speak without judgment, and i listened like the sister, mother, grandmother i never had. I just became a loving presence for myself to hear myself out. I didn't censor it or filter to make sure it made sense or was what i "should" feel. it was the beginning of honesty and compassion for myself. When you have compassion for someone, you see them suffering, and being present to them, you are prompted to act in some way to help them. That's what happened as i witnessed my own pain for the first time, fully saw it. I would get some insight into what i needed. and it gave me some small step to take to improve my condition. steps wither with myself, or with other people. i came out with insight into what i needed to do. it was a complex process, and it evolved over time, but i began as simply stopping and listening to myself. Facing the pain, with the idea that of i stop running from it, i could do something to get to the other side of it. i was tired of running. Now, i am avoidant; this is what healed me. I would need insight from other attachment styles to know if this kind of thing could be helpful, or not so helpful. but this is what i did for me. |
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Post by queenmab on Sept 3, 2018 3:31:53 GMT
Personally I find it helpful to think that my ex broke up with me due to our attachment dynamic and sad childhoods rather than just believe he was never "into me" and that I am just crazy and completely imagined he was, but that's me. The important thing to know is that even if someone is avoidant and was avoiding you because they were scared of getting close, even if perhaps they really liked you and that triggered them, or they were triggered by you acting AP, they may still believe they aren't into you or even that they never were, so it doesn't make much difference in practical terms. They most likely are not sitting around wondering if they should beg you to take them back, thinking, "I have such strong feelings for her, I know I was only being distant because I'm afraid of love." Sure people will sabotage things when they do truly like you, I've sabotaged things with people I truly liked or loved. You yourself broke up with him because you wanted to avoid being hurt, not because you didn't have feelings for him. You might look back and see some other behaviors in yourself that tested him or pushed him away before that as well. We can't know someone's reasons and they might not even know their own reasons, so at the end of the day it doesn't matter whether someone was scared of closeness or just "wasn't that into you" for some other reason, the result is the same, that they are not in a place where they are able to meet your needs. For them to be a good partner to you and you to them you'd have to both have a willingness to work on things and see if you can express and understand and meet each other's needs. If someone was being distant and pulling away because they have an avoidant attachment style, yes it might be possible that they might come back someday, and maybe things might be different, however pining for them and wishing and hoping for that is not going to make it happen so the solution either way is to move on with your life and let go of the attachment to that ever happening. For me, in order to let go of that attachment it wasn't necessary to convince myself "he's not avoidant, he's just not into you," but if it is for you then do what it takes to be able to let go. Please don't beat yourself up over falling in love with someone you think you shouldn't have fallen in love with. Yes, I am under no illusion that he is sitting at home pining for me. I might only have known him for 6 weeks, but I picked up enough about him to take a good guess at what happened after I broke up with him. I am aware of the distancing techniques avoidants use to convince themselves that they're not really into somebody, and so I think he might have been sad for a second but then probably thought "Oh well, we weren't compatible anyway." If he truly did like me, he will have buried any memory of that deep in the recesses of his mind where he won't have any access to it. When I met him, he said that he was excited about our connection because he hadn't "given a shit about anybody for six years." At the time, I was flattered he had chosen to "give a shit" about me, but with the benefit of hindsight, I now see how strange and harsh his choice of words were. Why not say "I haven't met anybody in the last six years I was compatible with long-term" or "Things just haven't worked out for me relationship-wise in the last six years". But "haven't given a shit about anybody?!" That puts all of the blame onto the women he's dated for his not giving a shit. I'm sure I'm now in the category of women he hasn't "given a shit" about. That's certainly how I felt after I ended things and sent some heartfelt texts telling him how sad I was things didn't work out and that I didn't understand why, and that I hoped we could be friends. *crickets* I never heard from him again. That was so painful for me because I really opened myself up to him emotionally, and this is not something I do often, and now it seems like I just did that for somebody who "didn't give a shit." I know it was only six weeks (and, no doubt, I'm a fool for throwing caution to the wind and falling so hard so quickly) but he actually meant something to me. But I can't say that I miss all the mixed messages and, quite frankly, what I think could almost be described as gaslighting. In my original post I think I mentioned what he said when he first started to express that he was having doubts: he said that he was worried that he was only into me because I had swept him away with my enthusiasm. As soon as I read these words in a text message, a really bad feeling came over and my gut said "Run, girl, run!". Because this was most definitely NOT what happened. We were clearly very much into each other. I didn't know why he was trying to distort reality like that, but I knew it wasn't the sign of a healthy person, and I found it a bit frightening. But, then of course, I almost let him get away with denying my reality and I started to think that maybe I really was some weirdo who seduced innocent men. On our last date, I told him that it was almost cruel the way he kept distancing himself from me, and his response also made me pause. He said "Well, if that's what you think and you still stick around, that's some serious self-destructive BS." The irony is that he was right (and that's why I didn't stick around much longer after that), but it was striking that he had no empathy for my situation whatsoever, and no insight into how his behavior could affect others. And he *knew* that I had an anxiety disorder, too, so it shouldn't have been too hard for him to work out that being distant might cause me anxiety. But he was either too self-absorbed to care, or somehow took pleasure in causing me pain (I'm hoping only the former). The crazy thing is that I miss him, and long for him despite knowing how bad for me he was. I just don't understand how I can miss and long for somebody who gave me nothing. What kind of craziness is this? |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 3, 2018 4:00:54 GMT
Yes, I am under no illusion that he is sitting at home pining for me. I might only have known him for 6 weeks, but I picked up enough about him to take a good guess at what happened after I broke up with him. I am aware of the distancing techniques avoidants use to convince themselves that they're not really into somebody, and so I think he might have been sad for a second but then probably thought "Oh well, we weren't compatible anyway." If he truly did like me, he will have buried any memory of that deep in the recesses of his mind where he won't have any access to it. When I met him, he said that he was excited about our connection because he hadn't "given a shit about anybody for six years." At the time, I was flattered he had chosen to "give a shit" about me, but with the benefit of hindsight, I now see how strange and harsh his choice of words were. Why not say "I haven't met anybody in the last six years I was compatible with long-term" or "Things just haven't worked out for me relationship-wise in the last six years". But "haven't given a shit about anybody?!" That puts all of the blame onto the women he's dated for his not giving a shit. I'm sure I'm now in the category of women he hasn't "given a shit" about. That's certainly how I felt after I ended things and sent some heartfelt texts telling him how sad I was things didn't work out and that I didn't understand why, and that I hoped we could be friends. *crickets* I never heard from him again. That was so painful for me because I really opened myself up to him emotionally, and this is not something I do often, and now it seems like I just did that for somebody who "didn't give a shit." I know it was only six weeks (and, no doubt, I'm a fool for throwing caution to the wind and falling so hard so quickly) but he actually meant something to me. But I can't say that I miss all the mixed messages and, quite frankly, what I think could almost be described as gaslighting. In my original post I think I mentioned what he said when he first started to express that he was having doubts: he said that he was worried that he was only into me because I had swept him away with my enthusiasm. As soon as I read these words in a text message, a really bad feeling came over and my gut said "Run, girl, run!". Because this was most definitely NOT what happened. We were clearly very much into each other. I didn't know why he was trying to distort reality like that, but I knew it wasn't the sign of a healthy person, and I found it a bit frightening. But, then of course, I almost let him get away with denying my reality and I started to think that maybe I really was some weirdo who seduced innocent men. On our last date, I told him that it was almost cruel the way he kept distancing himself from me, and his response also made me pause. He said "Well, if that's what you think and you still stick around, that's some serious self-destructive BS." The irony is that he was right (and that's why I didn't stick around much longer after that), but it was striking that he had no empathy for my situation whatsoever, and no insight into how his behavior could affect others. And he *knew* that I had an anxiety disorder, too, so it shouldn't have been too hard for him to work out that being distant might cause me anxiety. But he was either too self-absorbed to care, or somehow took pleasure in causing me pain (I'm hoping only the former). The crazy thing is that I miss him, and long for him despite knowing how bad for me he was. I just don't understand how I can miss and long for somebody who gave me nothing. What kind of craziness is this? I notice a few things from your post. One is that you are still beating yourself up. Another is that you are still caught in a whirlwind of thoughts, seemingly thinking that if you just think hard enough you will be able to figure out what he is/was thinking and feeling. Who knows what he is thinking or feeling. What are you feeling? Can you try to feel why this situation is in your life right now? Do you have a comfortable place you can go to breathe and relax your chest and heart while contemplating how you are feeling and why the universe or whatever you want to call it brought these things up for you? Coming from a place of not seeing yourself as a victim, nor blaming yourself? Remembering you are in this to learn and to forgive yourself for what you think you could have done differently? |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2018 6:49:32 GMT
Yes, I know there is definitely a lot of underlying trauma, and this depresses me because I know, as you say, that I have a lot of inner work to do on myself. I am 40, and you would think that I would have figured all of this stuff out by now. I've wasted so much time on unavailable men who didn't give a shit about me. I wish there was a course I could take called "How To Heal Your Inner Child in 90 Days - Or Your Money Back!" because "healing" myself seems so daunting a task, and it seems like it will take forever. It's hard to know how and where to get started. It's never too late to get started. I think this board runs the gamut from 20s to 60s. My FA ex also described getting started with exactly the same word, "daunting," and used it as an excuse not to. He'd rather stay stuck, at least for now. In my situation, I didn't go into the work consciously thinking, I think I'll try to heal my insecure attachment... I was just already in so much pain that things needed to be changed. But as I dug in and figured out what was wrong, it became empowering. My opinion is, it's far more daunting not to be able to even identify what's wrong. Awareness is the hardest part, and you've already been coming into that. It won't take forever, but it is a bit of an investment that will be painful. But then one day it won't be painful anymore because you'll be stronger, and once you get through it, you're going to stop being attracted to unavailable characteristics. That means, more pain now for way, way less pain in the future. Some people have already responded with advice to get started. There's also tons of threads with helpful information, especially posts from Anne12 that you can find across the forum. Have you taken the quick assessment to confirm your attachment style? jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/53-2/ |
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