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Post by queenmab on Sept 3, 2018 16:50:20 GMT
Recognition of the hurt and desire to heal it is the first step. Understanding the hurt more deeply, i would say, is the second step. What i used to do, is find myself a quiet spot where i could be alone, i liked a nice hot bath in a darkened bathroom, with a candle. And i'd bring my attention to my heart- the place in my chest where memories are, and my throat, where there was an ache from too many words choked back, unspoken. And I'd say to myself, "Juni, what happened to you? Where are you hurting?" and i would listen to what came up. I gave my self a space to speak without judgment, and i listened like the sister, mother, grandmother i never had. I just became a loving presence for myself to hear myself out. I didn't censor it or filter to make sure it made sense or was what i "should" feel. it was the beginning of honesty and compassion for myself. When you have compassion for someone, you see them suffering, and being present to them, you are prompted to act in some way to help them. That's what happened as i witnessed my own pain for the first time, fully saw it. I would get some insight into what i needed. and it gave me some small step to take to improve my condition. steps wither with myself, or with other people. i came out with insight into what i needed to do. it was a complex process, and it evolved over time, but i began as simply stopping and listening to myself. Facing the pain, with the idea that of i stop running from it, i could do something to get to the other side of it. i was tired of running. Now, i am avoidant; this is what healed me. I would need insight from other attachment styles to know if this kind of thing could be helpful, or not so helpful. but this is what i did for me. That was a really beautiful post. And I don't see why your healing technique wouldn't work for other attachment styles.
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Post by queenmab on Sept 3, 2018 16:57:03 GMT
Yes, I know there is definitely a lot of underlying trauma, and this depresses me because I know, as you say, that I have a lot of inner work to do on myself. I am 40, and you would think that I would have figured all of this stuff out by now. I've wasted so much time on unavailable men who didn't give a shit about me. I wish there was a course I could take called "How To Heal Your Inner Child in 90 Days - Or Your Money Back!" because "healing" myself seems so daunting a task, and it seems like it will take forever. It's hard to know how and where to get started. It's never too late to get started. I think this board runs the gamut from 20s to 60s. My FA ex also described getting started with exactly the same word, "daunting," and used it as an excuse not to. He'd rather stay stuck, at least for now. In my situation, I didn't go into the work consciously thinking, I think I'll try to heal my insecure attachment... I was just already in so much pain that things needed to be changed. But as I dug in and figured out what was wrong, it became empowering. My opinion is, it's far more daunting not to be able to even identify what's wrong. Awareness is the hardest part, and you've already been coming into that. It won't take forever, but it is a bit of an investment that will be painful. But then one day it won't be painful anymore because you'll be stronger, and once you get through it, you're going to stop being attracted to unavailable characteristics. That means, more pain now for way, way less pain in the future. Some people have already responded with advice to get started. There's also tons of threads with helpful information, especially posts from Anne12 that you can find across the forum. Have you taken the quick assessment to confirm your attachment style? jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/53-2/ Yes, perhaps you're right that people can use the word "daunting" as an excuse to avoid putting off the difficult inner work they need to do. I do that a lot in all areas of my life, not just when it comes to inner healing. For example, the things that make me happiest in my life are singing and writing, and yet I don't do much of either because I find it too "daunting" to start. I'm a huge perfectionist and so I get hung up on the outcome (and how hard it will be to get there) instead of remembering that I should just focus on the journey, one step at a time. No, I haven't done an attachment style test yet, but I kinda already know that I'm mainly AP with some FA characteristics thrown in for good measure.  |
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Post by queenmab on Sept 3, 2018 17:08:17 GMT
Yes, I am under no illusion that he is sitting at home pining for me. I might only have known him for 6 weeks, but I picked up enough about him to take a good guess at what happened after I broke up with him. I am aware of the distancing techniques avoidants use to convince themselves that they're not really into somebody, and so I think he might have been sad for a second but then probably thought "Oh well, we weren't compatible anyway." If he truly did like me, he will have buried any memory of that deep in the recesses of his mind where he won't have any access to it. When I met him, he said that he was excited about our connection because he hadn't "given a shit about anybody for six years." At the time, I was flattered he had chosen to "give a shit" about me, but with the benefit of hindsight, I now see how strange and harsh his choice of words were. Why not say "I haven't met anybody in the last six years I was compatible with long-term" or "Things just haven't worked out for me relationship-wise in the last six years". But "haven't given a shit about anybody?!" That puts all of the blame onto the women he's dated for his not giving a shit. I'm sure I'm now in the category of women he hasn't "given a shit" about. That's certainly how I felt after I ended things and sent some heartfelt texts telling him how sad I was things didn't work out and that I didn't understand why, and that I hoped we could be friends. *crickets* I never heard from him again. That was so painful for me because I really opened myself up to him emotionally, and this is not something I do often, and now it seems like I just did that for somebody who "didn't give a shit." I know it was only six weeks (and, no doubt, I'm a fool for throwing caution to the wind and falling so hard so quickly) but he actually meant something to me. But I can't say that I miss all the mixed messages and, quite frankly, what I think could almost be described as gaslighting. In my original post I think I mentioned what he said when he first started to express that he was having doubts: he said that he was worried that he was only into me because I had swept him away with my enthusiasm. As soon as I read these words in a text message, a really bad feeling came over and my gut said "Run, girl, run!". Because this was most definitely NOT what happened. We were clearly very much into each other. I didn't know why he was trying to distort reality like that, but I knew it wasn't the sign of a healthy person, and I found it a bit frightening. But, then of course, I almost let him get away with denying my reality and I started to think that maybe I really was some weirdo who seduced innocent men. On our last date, I told him that it was almost cruel the way he kept distancing himself from me, and his response also made me pause. He said "Well, if that's what you think and you still stick around, that's some serious self-destructive BS." The irony is that he was right (and that's why I didn't stick around much longer after that), but it was striking that he had no empathy for my situation whatsoever, and no insight into how his behavior could affect others. And he *knew* that I had an anxiety disorder, too, so it shouldn't have been too hard for him to work out that being distant might cause me anxiety. But he was either too self-absorbed to care, or somehow took pleasure in causing me pain (I'm hoping only the former). The crazy thing is that I miss him, and long for him despite knowing how bad for me he was. I just don't understand how I can miss and long for somebody who gave me nothing. What kind of craziness is this? I notice a few things from your post. One is that you are still beating yourself up. Another is that you are still caught in a whirlwind of thoughts, seemingly thinking that if you just think hard enough you will be able to figure out what he is/was thinking and feeling. Who knows what he is thinking or feeling. What are you feeling? Can you try to feel why this situation is in your life right now? Do you have a comfortable place you can go to breathe and relax your chest and heart while contemplating how you are feeling and why the universe or whatever you want to call it brought these things up for you? Coming from a place of not seeing yourself as a victim, nor blaming yourself? Remembering you are in this to learn and to forgive yourself for what you think you could have done differently? Part of the reason I am still caught up in wondering what he was/is thinking is probably because this obsessive thinking is the only connection I have left to him. Also, maybe I have some OCD traits. I've noticed that I'm always on an obsessive quest for the "truth" when, in reality, I will never actually know what went down with him. When I'm feeling more calm and peaceful, my gut tells me that he probably did really like me but was just scared and not ready for a relationship. He clearly has a lot of work he needs to do before he will be ready to give and accept love. I think I just need to go with this theory, and move on with my life. The same goes for me, too. I have a lot of work to do before I'll be able to choose a healthy partner and have a healthy relationship. I'm not happy with my life at the moment, and if things had continued with this guy, I would have used him like a drug to distract myself from my unhappiness. So, it's no wonder things didn't work out - we are two emotionally unhealthy, unready people. It's heartbreaking, though - there was a connection there, and its pretty rare to find that (for me at least). But it wasn't meant to be and all I can do now is let go and hope that he finds happiness and love one day. |
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