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Control?
Sept 2, 2018 6:11:08 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 2, 2018 6:11:08 GMT
So I broke up with my “ex”. Some weeks ago he asked me if he could come to my house to see me. I was pretty surprised because we have been seeing each other for almost a year and he never wanted to come to my place. I said he could come over.
Once more he tried to explain why he behaved in a “strange” way and that time I felt he was being sincere. He said that he felt like if he was losing all his power and that he felt like he needed to take some control back. I asked if he thought that I am too bossy and he said it has nothing to do with that and that he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to force him to talk but. can’t say that I am not curious 😅. He asked if we could continue seeing each other and I said yes, because I admire his courage to try fixing things and of course I like to meet him.
I know that every body is different but is there any DA here who recognize this “I need to take some control back” behavior? What did it mean for you?
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Post by epicgum on Sept 2, 2018 7:15:50 GMT
So I broke up with my “ex”. Some weeks ago he asked me if he could come to my house to see me. I was pretty surprised because we have been seeing each other for almost a year and he never wanted to come to my place. I said he could come over. Once more he tried to explain why he behaved in a “strange” way and that time I felt he was being sincere. He said that he felt like if he was losing all his power and that he felt like he needed to take some control back. I asked if he thought that I am too bossy and he said it has nothing to do with that and that he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to force him to talk but. can’t say that I am not curious 😅. He asked if we could continue seeing each other and I said yes, because I admire his courage to try fixing things and of course I like to meet him. I know that every body is different but is there any DA here who recognize this “I need to take some control back” behavior? What did it mean for you? Maintaining independence is very important to an avoidant, they easily feel engulfed and fear being "trapped". This often comes from growing up with parents who were controlling and intrusive, and so their natural instinct is to resist and try to maintain their independence. In the short term, give him space, in the long term, try to get him to open up and do what you can to make him feel safe and "free" with you. Ideally he will then feel comfortable telling you his needs and understanding that they will be met, which will reduce his need to distance. |
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Control?
Sept 2, 2018 7:29:42 GMT
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Post by kibbins on Sept 2, 2018 7:29:42 GMT
I haven't seen your other posts but honestly the thing about getting power back could apply to any attachment style imo. People lose power in relationships, there's a power struggle, etc even among two secures it happens, so hard to say if that's a DA behavior there or not
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 12:57:54 GMT
So I broke up with my “ex”. Some weeks ago he asked me if he could come to my house to see me. I was pretty surprised because we have been seeing each other for almost a year and he never wanted to come to my place. I said he could come over. Once more he tried to explain why he behaved in a “strange” way and that time I felt he was being sincere. He said that he felt like if he was losing all his power and that he felt like he needed to take some control back. I asked if he thought that I am too bossy and he said it has nothing to do with that and that he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to force him to talk but. can’t say that I am not curious 😅. He asked if we could continue seeing each other and I said yes, because I admire his courage to try fixing things and of course I like to meet him. I know that every body is different but is there any DA here who recognize this “I need to take some control back” behavior? What did it mean for you? i understand this. it's not at all about interpersonal control, or a dynamic of power between two people. i will try to describe it and while i will be referencing him, i understand i can't read his mind, so take this with the understanding that it's just familiar to me and i am trying to interpret it for you. i could be wrong, of course. lol. avoidants typically were conditioned by a very destabilizing environment. We adapted by finding inner stability that really is based in our independence and autonomy. to allow someone in to our routines, mind, heart, lives , thoughts of future, can feel extremely destabilizing as we are introducing an element of the unknown. i could understand that he wouldn't want to talk about it simply because it's impossible to try to convey it to someone who doesn't understand it by experience. it has the potential to cause conflict if misunderstood- and that conflict manifests the fear of destabilization. he probably saw how things could go wrong by your natural question "am i bossy?" - by regaining power he is not at all implying that you grabbed some. it really isn't about you. poor guy. he sounds like he is really sincerely trying to manage this, in himself. so- not a power play or about you.  |
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Control?
Sept 2, 2018 13:49:20 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 2, 2018 13:49:20 GMT
juniper thank you! It was really insightful! I know that it is may be hard for him to explain feelings, I was happy that he could give me some information but I was still a little bit confused. The words power and control can easy be associated with bad things in relationships and I really wanted to understand what he actually meant.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 13:59:29 GMT
juniper thank you! It was really insightful! I know that it is may be hard for him to explain feelings, I was happy that he could give me some information but I was still a little bit confused. The words power and control can easy be associated with bad things in relationships and I really wanted to understand what he actually meant. i really respect and appreciate in you the fact that you didn't jump to conclusions or a negative and ugly interpretation! it shows compassion and wisdom on your part, and it's not hard to see why he would want to continue to see you if you two could have that conversation without things spiraling out of control. if he wanted power between the two of you, he chose a lame plan to obtain it with vulnerability and communication, right? hahaa! he is not being covert, nor is he insulting you or trying to put you in a position of less "power" - in fact, he is empowering you by presenting his reality to you and allowing you to choose your response. which, by the way, was gracious and compassionate, with a desire to understand. wonderful! |
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Control?
Sept 2, 2018 15:14:12 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 2, 2018 15:14:12 GMT
juniper thank you! It was really insightful! I know that it is may be hard for him to explain feelings, I was happy that he could give me some information but I was still a little bit confused. The words power and control can easy be associated with bad things in relationships and I really wanted to understand what he actually meant. i really respect and appreciate in you the fact that you didn't jump to conclusions or a negative and ugly interpretation! it shows compassion and wisdom on your part, and it's not hard to see why he would want to continue to see you if you two could have that conversation without things spiraling out of control. if he wanted power between the two of you, he chose a lame plan to obtain it with vulnerability and communication, right? hahaa! he is not being covert, nor is he insulting you or trying to put you in a position of less "power" - in fact, he is empowering you by presenting his reality to you and allowing you to choose your response. which, by the way, was gracious and compassionate, with a desire to understand. wonderful! It’s true! My first thought was he may thinks that I am too bossy and I could totally work on that if that was the case so he doesn’t feel like he has to pull away, but he said that was not the problem. And as you say juniper he choosed to be vulnerable. The first time he tried to get back together efter the break up his explanation was that he was so tired because of his job and he needed to rest. I couldn’t really buy it, it felt more like an excuse but I understand that it may be easier for him to find an excuse than talk about what is really going on in his heart and mind. I just said I am not sad or angry anymore but I still think it is better if we don’t see each other anymore. But when he tried again this time I felt he was being genuin and I appreciate it so much! It takes courage to be vulnerable when you are afraid of that. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 15:29:05 GMT
i really respect and appreciate in you the fact that you didn't jump to conclusions or a negative and ugly interpretation! it shows compassion and wisdom on your part, and it's not hard to see why he would want to continue to see you if you two could have that conversation without things spiraling out of control. if he wanted power between the two of you, he chose a lame plan to obtain it with vulnerability and communication, right? hahaa! he is not being covert, nor is he insulting you or trying to put you in a position of less "power" - in fact, he is empowering you by presenting his reality to you and allowing you to choose your response. which, by the way, was gracious and compassionate, with a desire to understand. wonderful! It’s true! My first thought was he may thinks that I am too bossy and I could totally work on that if that was the case so he doesn’t feel like he has to pull away, but he said that was not the problem. And as you say juniper he choosed to be vulnerable. The first time he tried to get back together efter the break up his explanation was that he was so tired because of his job and he needed to rest. I couldn’t really buy it, it felt more like an excuse but I understand that it may be easier for him to find an excuse than talk about what is really going on in his heart and mind. I just said I am not sad or angry anymore but I still think it is better if we don’t see each other anymore. But when he tried again this time I felt he was being genuin and I appreciate it so much! It takes courage to be vulnerable when you are afraid of that. yes, and also, when a dismissive tells you they are tired with nothing left in the tank, believe it. i don't know if his job entails heavy interaction but the overwhelm from engaging is another quirk that is as difficult for us as it is for the people who would like our attention. i wrote about that in detail in lilyg's thread about needing help, also in this DA forum. it's been a real challenge for me to work with the overwhelm also. we do have some things in the way of intimacy and relationships and those things, we just have to acknowledge and give ourselves grace and compassion for them. They were formed in us before we had a choice, and to overcome them can be very daunting. |
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Control?
Sept 2, 2018 16:32:42 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 2, 2018 16:32:42 GMT
It’s true! My first thought was he may thinks that I am too bossy and I could totally work on that if that was the case so he doesn’t feel like he has to pull away, but he said that was not the problem. And as you say juniper he choosed to be vulnerable. The first time he tried to get back together efter the break up his explanation was that he was so tired because of his job and he needed to rest. I couldn’t really buy it, it felt more like an excuse but I understand that it may be easier for him to find an excuse than talk about what is really going on in his heart and mind. I just said I am not sad or angry anymore but I still think it is better if we don’t see each other anymore. But when he tried again this time I felt he was being genuin and I appreciate it so much! It takes courage to be vulnerable when you are afraid of that. yes, and also, when a dismissive tells you they are tired with nothing left in the tank, believe it. i don't know if his job entails heavy interaction but the overwhelm from engaging is another quirk that is as difficult for us as it is for the people who would like our attention. i wrote about that in detail in lilyg's thread about needing help, also in this DA forum. it's been a real challenge for me to work with the overwhelm also. we do have some things in the way of intimacy and relationships and those things, we just have to acknowledge and give ourselves grace and compassion for them. They were formed in us before we had a choice, and to overcome them can be very daunting. I really have no problem understanding that he needs space and time to rest. But I thought it was so rude of him to say I couldn’t sleep over that night after we had sex when it was actually he who asked me to come and sleep with him. We had a long intense and connected time together, as never before, and from no where he pulled me away. I couldn’t understand what happened than but now I know we got too close and it can be scary. Efter some push-pull we set on some agreements and one of them was to say when he needed space instead of just pulling me away and it was working so well... We are seeing each other again and I feel very calm and relaxed. I hope he feels the same! 😊. |
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Post by goldilocks on Sept 2, 2018 16:46:05 GMT
It’s true! My first thought was he may thinks that I am too bossy and I could totally work on that if that was the case so he doesn’t feel like he has to pull away, but he said that was not the problem. And as you say juniper he choosed to be vulnerable. The first time he tried to get back together efter the break up his explanation was that he was so tired because of his job and he needed to rest. I couldn’t really buy it, it felt more like an excuse but I understand that it may be easier for him to find an excuse than talk about what is really going on in his heart and mind. I just said I am not sad or angry anymore but I still think it is better if we don’t see each other anymore. But when he tried again this time I felt he was being genuin and I appreciate it so much! It takes courage to be vulnerable when you are afraid of that. yes, and also, when a dismissive tells you they are tired with nothing left in the tank, believe it. i don't know if his job entails heavy interaction but the overwhelm from engaging is another quirk that is as difficult for us as it is for the people who would like our attention. i wrote about that in detail in lilyg 's thread about needing help, also in this DA forum. it's been a real challenge for me to work with the overwhelm also. we do have some things in the way of intimacy and relationships and those things, we just have to acknowledge and give ourselves grace and compassion for them. They were formed in us before we had a choice, and to overcome them can be very daunting. Yes, I can certainly be tired after some types of work. For example, I gave a big presentation before the weekend, so I enjoyed having the first day of my weekend to myself, relaxing and doing a few chores without having to be sociable. Some things just cost more social energy than the average day. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 17:04:54 GMT
yes, and also, when a dismissive tells you they are tired with nothing left in the tank, believe it. i don't know if his job entails heavy interaction but the overwhelm from engaging is another quirk that is as difficult for us as it is for the people who would like our attention. i wrote about that in detail in lilyg 's thread about needing help, also in this DA forum. it's been a real challenge for me to work with the overwhelm also. we do have some things in the way of intimacy and relationships and those things, we just have to acknowledge and give ourselves grace and compassion for them. They were formed in us before we had a choice, and to overcome them can be very daunting. I really have no problem understanding that he needs space and time to rest as a pilot at the Air Force. But I thought it was so rude of him to say I couldn’t sleep over that night after we had sex when it was actually he who asked me to come and sleep with him. We had a long intense and connected time together, as never before, and from no where he pulled me away. I couldn’t understand what happened than but now I know we got too close and it can be scary. Efter some push-pull we set on some agreements and one of them was to say when he needed space instead of just pulling me away and it was working so well... We are seeing each other again and I feel very calm and relaxed. I hope he feels the same! 😊. i totally understand the hurt you felt, and it was very unskillful how he handled it. even as a dismissive i have felt the same way with my partner at times!!! you would think i would just recognize it and it wouldn't knock me but that's not how our desire for connection works. we are inside our own selves with our real needs for assurance or reciprocity. we feel from that space, whether anxious or avoidant. (edit: or secure! ) i'm so glad you've been able to make progress and repair. understanding these things shouldn't be a blanket permission slip to not negotiate or to continue unskillful behavior. what it can do is provide a perspective that leads to tolerance and understanding, so that the way forward can be sensitive to the handicaps, while encouraging true advancement in our emotional availability- not just for ourselves but for our partners. well done. your needs are valid also, of course! i hope he can continue to evolve so you both may find happiness in each other. |
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