Post by writerguy on Sept 5, 2018 0:19:11 GMT
Please bear with me as this is a LOOONG story. I just broke up with my girlfriend (ex-fiance) of 15 years and have just discovered in therapy that she is an avoidant dismissive. It has been the missing puzzle piece for my life for the past 15 years and I’m just now sort of doing the post-mortem to understand what I’ve been through and to how to become more focused on myself, my needs, and my future. Here goes:
15 years ago, I met a wonderful woman (she was 33 at the time and I was 40) and she actually asked ME out to the movies. We had a second date when she jumped my bones and we had some great sex. I remember now that she said to me at the time: “I figure if this is going to end and least I want some sex out of it.” I sort of laughed it off at the time. The sex, at the start, was off the charts. Sometimes staying in bed seemingly all day (I was freelancing at the time and so was she.) She told me she thought I was “reliable, trustworthy, safe” and that I had “saved” her from a life of loneliness that she had thought, at one point, of ending.
Fast forward to three months in and she’s at my house, we’ve had dinner, we watched some TV, and it’s time for bed. It’s 1 AM. She announces that she has to go. Has to be at the gym early. I thought something was wrong…what is it. “No, I just have to go.” (She recently told me that she felt as if she had to get out of there. “And on the way home, I thought about driving into a freeway abutment.") She did this on more than one occasion.
Now, a year later, we get engaged. She tells me she thought nobody would ever want to marry her. She wants to give up her apartment and move in with me. I say she should keep our “little love nest” but she insists so that her parents can see she’s responsible. Besides, I owned a townhouse and she liked it. She moved in, moved in all her furniture, started remodeling, wedding planning moved forward. Suddenly, I notice she’s started going to swing dances 3 nights a week (she was an avid dancer, and though I tried to pick it up, I didn’t have 20 years experience like she did. She would take me at first, but then asked for it as “time for herself” and I thought it was a good release for her.) I suddenly started taking stock: not much hand-holding, not much cuddling after sex, frequently she would leave after sex (the sex was still good, but not as fantastic as it once was.) And I noticed I would say “I love you,” and she would sometimes just nod.
Just as we were are about to set a wedding date…she came to me and said she had to move out. She wanted to get her old apartment back. She wanted to keep dating me, but not live in the same place. I was angry and wondered what that all meant and I said does this mean the wedding is off? Yes…for now.
We broke it off for a couple months and she went to live with her mother. We then reconciled and she moved back in for the most part (all of her stuff was still there.) Then, six years ago, she told me – out of the blue – that she found an apartment in her old building. She was moving back into the same model apartment she once had. I helped her move in and noticed a note on her calendar for the upcoming Memorial Day Holiday. She was going to a swing dance retreat in Oregon with a guy I had met that was a swing dance DJ. I asked her about this. It got heated and she admitted that she was having an affair with the guy. “But it means nothing…he’s a dope.” I got angry and said I needed some time to myself.
I also noticed something: all of the friends she'd had when we met had fallen by the wayside. Besides her family, I was her only "intimate."
I was introduced to a wonderful woman and we started dating. I stopped contacting my now ex. Then, suddenly, emails and texts poured in about how much she missed me. How she didn’t want me “getting away.” How things didn’t work out with the swing dance guy and how he made her realize how wonderful I am. I finally gave in (because of our history and how much I loved her dad) and went back to her.
We’ve dated – seeing each 2-3 time a week – for the last 5 years. We’ve lived apart. No further talk of marriage. 2 years ago, she requested that when she came over that we sleep in separate bedroom (because suddenly now I snore.) She got two cats – to which I’m crazy allergic – at her apartment, so I could only spend limited time there.
She started a home business tutoring over the phone so she prefered that we not go places socially with my friends - just we'd get dinner, watch TV, if she was at my place we'd go to bed in separate rooms, and then MAYBE have sex in the morning which it seemed I had to always initiate.
Then, one moth ago, she had a close friend die (her father died last year and this older man became like a surrogate to her.) She didn’t talk to me for 10 days, and I only found out about his death from a mutual friend. I tried to call and got nondescript texts in reply: "I'm okay. Not sleeping. More later." I found out from another friend that she seemed to be crushing on a mutual friend of the dead guy who was already in a relationship. “They were going to go to dinner after the service, but then he bailed on her and went out with friends.” Two days later, she called me finally like nothing was wrong. I asked her why she hadn't called me? She said she was working it out with the guy she was crushing on (but didn't know I knew she was doing that.) I’d already been to see my old therapist to talk me through what I was actually looking at: someone with extreme intimacy issues who is avoidant-dismissive. I started reading everything I could find and found a list of distancing strategies that read like my life for the last 15 years.
Finally, this past Saturday, I broke it off with her. Telling her that I didn’t want to talk again until after the new year. We talked for four hours. She called me “her rock”, “her savior”, “her safety net” and said she knows she hasn’t loved me well, but feels like nobody but her could love me. She said that when we were about to get married she felt like she’d have to kill herself if she went through with it…that’s why she left. She told me her mother admonished her to tell me she loved me and then mentioned that she doesn’t even tell her mother she loves her.
So, long story. I’m feeling strong and hopeful about my future and feeling as if the toxins and poisons are clearing from my body. I feel as if I went from being secure to being more anxious because of all the push/pull. Now, my brother has said I shouldn’t have said we’d talk after the new year or said to call me if there was an emergency. He thinks she’ll get back in touch. Just looking for some thoughts and support (I’m back and my therapist, who’s good, and who knows me, and has told me “There’s zero chance of this woman changing, despite how much you love her. She has to decide to change and at 48 she will probably not.”
)
15 years ago, I met a wonderful woman (she was 33 at the time and I was 40) and she actually asked ME out to the movies. We had a second date when she jumped my bones and we had some great sex. I remember now that she said to me at the time: “I figure if this is going to end and least I want some sex out of it.” I sort of laughed it off at the time. The sex, at the start, was off the charts. Sometimes staying in bed seemingly all day (I was freelancing at the time and so was she.) She told me she thought I was “reliable, trustworthy, safe” and that I had “saved” her from a life of loneliness that she had thought, at one point, of ending.
Fast forward to three months in and she’s at my house, we’ve had dinner, we watched some TV, and it’s time for bed. It’s 1 AM. She announces that she has to go. Has to be at the gym early. I thought something was wrong…what is it. “No, I just have to go.” (She recently told me that she felt as if she had to get out of there. “And on the way home, I thought about driving into a freeway abutment.") She did this on more than one occasion.
Now, a year later, we get engaged. She tells me she thought nobody would ever want to marry her. She wants to give up her apartment and move in with me. I say she should keep our “little love nest” but she insists so that her parents can see she’s responsible. Besides, I owned a townhouse and she liked it. She moved in, moved in all her furniture, started remodeling, wedding planning moved forward. Suddenly, I notice she’s started going to swing dances 3 nights a week (she was an avid dancer, and though I tried to pick it up, I didn’t have 20 years experience like she did. She would take me at first, but then asked for it as “time for herself” and I thought it was a good release for her.) I suddenly started taking stock: not much hand-holding, not much cuddling after sex, frequently she would leave after sex (the sex was still good, but not as fantastic as it once was.) And I noticed I would say “I love you,” and she would sometimes just nod.
Just as we were are about to set a wedding date…she came to me and said she had to move out. She wanted to get her old apartment back. She wanted to keep dating me, but not live in the same place. I was angry and wondered what that all meant and I said does this mean the wedding is off? Yes…for now.
We broke it off for a couple months and she went to live with her mother. We then reconciled and she moved back in for the most part (all of her stuff was still there.) Then, six years ago, she told me – out of the blue – that she found an apartment in her old building. She was moving back into the same model apartment she once had. I helped her move in and noticed a note on her calendar for the upcoming Memorial Day Holiday. She was going to a swing dance retreat in Oregon with a guy I had met that was a swing dance DJ. I asked her about this. It got heated and she admitted that she was having an affair with the guy. “But it means nothing…he’s a dope.” I got angry and said I needed some time to myself.
I also noticed something: all of the friends she'd had when we met had fallen by the wayside. Besides her family, I was her only "intimate."
I was introduced to a wonderful woman and we started dating. I stopped contacting my now ex. Then, suddenly, emails and texts poured in about how much she missed me. How she didn’t want me “getting away.” How things didn’t work out with the swing dance guy and how he made her realize how wonderful I am. I finally gave in (because of our history and how much I loved her dad) and went back to her.
We’ve dated – seeing each 2-3 time a week – for the last 5 years. We’ve lived apart. No further talk of marriage. 2 years ago, she requested that when she came over that we sleep in separate bedroom (because suddenly now I snore.) She got two cats – to which I’m crazy allergic – at her apartment, so I could only spend limited time there.
She started a home business tutoring over the phone so she prefered that we not go places socially with my friends - just we'd get dinner, watch TV, if she was at my place we'd go to bed in separate rooms, and then MAYBE have sex in the morning which it seemed I had to always initiate.
Then, one moth ago, she had a close friend die (her father died last year and this older man became like a surrogate to her.) She didn’t talk to me for 10 days, and I only found out about his death from a mutual friend. I tried to call and got nondescript texts in reply: "I'm okay. Not sleeping. More later." I found out from another friend that she seemed to be crushing on a mutual friend of the dead guy who was already in a relationship. “They were going to go to dinner after the service, but then he bailed on her and went out with friends.” Two days later, she called me finally like nothing was wrong. I asked her why she hadn't called me? She said she was working it out with the guy she was crushing on (but didn't know I knew she was doing that.) I’d already been to see my old therapist to talk me through what I was actually looking at: someone with extreme intimacy issues who is avoidant-dismissive. I started reading everything I could find and found a list of distancing strategies that read like my life for the last 15 years.
Finally, this past Saturday, I broke it off with her. Telling her that I didn’t want to talk again until after the new year. We talked for four hours. She called me “her rock”, “her savior”, “her safety net” and said she knows she hasn’t loved me well, but feels like nobody but her could love me. She said that when we were about to get married she felt like she’d have to kill herself if she went through with it…that’s why she left. She told me her mother admonished her to tell me she loved me and then mentioned that she doesn’t even tell her mother she loves her.
So, long story. I’m feeling strong and hopeful about my future and feeling as if the toxins and poisons are clearing from my body. I feel as if I went from being secure to being more anxious because of all the push/pull. Now, my brother has said I shouldn’t have said we’d talk after the new year or said to call me if there was an emergency. He thinks she’ll get back in touch. Just looking for some thoughts and support (I’m back and my therapist, who’s good, and who knows me, and has told me “There’s zero chance of this woman changing, despite how much you love her. She has to decide to change and at 48 she will probably not.”
)
