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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 15:19:56 GMT
This is a spin-off from @mary's thread yesterday where she shared that her partner became annoyed with her needing to make accommodations for her period. I am a dismissive woman, subject to the same physiological and emotional symptoms associated with menstruation, sometimes worse than others. As you know, these symptoms can be quite uncomfortable! And for me, the emotional symptoms have been the most difficult to cope with. I am one day before my period, right now. I am in a difficult place logistically, as i am house sitting for my dear friend who is terminal with cancer, while she enjoys her final trip to her homeland abroad. She is an emotional support for me, and she is gone. also, we are in the process of walking out her last months, which makes me very sad, of course. I have been feeling isolated because i am not in my own home, with my kids, in my normal routine. i'm not seeing my regular friends, because of the schedule shake-up, i'm not engaging in my typical activities. all of this has created a perfect storm, and i woke up this morning feeling lower than i have in a long, long time. My feelings are of isolation, loneliness, emotional neediness (which i feel compassionate and not scornful about) and just pure sadness with little comfort available. I have historically deactivated in such a situation- gone into full solitary mode and gutted it out, not asking for support or sympathy. But you know what? i need support and sympathy. I feel SAD. It doesn't matter if it is "just PMS" or just a collection of difficult things exacerbated by hormonal fluctuations . Juniper is sad and lonely and needs help.  So. This morning i told my partner that. I texted him because that's all i can muster when i feel so awful. I have never revealed my neediness around my period before. Ever. I don't usually have such heavy symptoms but the fact is, today i do. I have felt this depression and loneliness and isolation before around my cycle but never felt comfortable being a vulnerable woman, i've never been able to admit my needs and ask for support. But i did. And my partner called and listened to me cry. I told him i am just trying to be ultra nice to myself in ways i haven't ever been before, and that this is just me, asking for support. He encouraged me that this is normal , life is an emotional rollercoaster and it changes day to day. I told him that i was so thankful for him just listening and taking the time for me, when i has nothing to offer but my need for a compassionate ear, and some kind and gentle words. So my day is going in a very different direction than it started. It was very difficult for me to know what to do until i thought of the shadow projections. I had been thinking "He doesn't care about my period, he only cares about the fun parts of me." I know this is a paranoid, insecure thought, which is also a manifestation of hormonal changes! Then i realized- "Hey Juniper, maybe it's you that hasn't been kind enough to yourself by asking for help." So that is when i decided to tell him about my period and how it was impacting me. I was crying! He was so kind. This is big growth for me. I suspect many of us women, avoidant and anxious alike, have not received healthy support for our menstrual cycles in our family of origin, or from our partners. I want to reach out to all of you in vulnerability and solidarity about that, and i am very pleased with how i loved myself well around this today. 🌸 |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 15:50:45 GMT
and also, i have the question, asking all types and genders :
how do you handle this in your relationship?
this is a brand new approach for me, and i wonder how other people do this.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 15:53:06 GMT
juniper, I'm sorry you were so sad today. It sounds like such a mix of things going on right now and I can imagine it's sad and isolating. I am so happy you received support when you needed it. And I can see how much progress you have made just asking for the support. I know that can be so difficult to do and something I still struggle with. Yes, I wholeheartedly second this. We need to be kinder to ourselves and ask for the help. Well first, I need to find the right person to ask  .
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 16:00:51 GMT
juniper, I'm sorry you were so sad today. It sounds like such a mix of things going on right now and I can imagine it's sad and isolating. I am so happy you received support when you needed it. And I can see how much progress you have made just asking for the support. I know that can be so difficult to do and something I still struggle with. Yes, I wholeheartedly second this. We need to be kinder to ourselves and ask for the help. Well first, I need to find the right person to ask . thank you @mary! it was really a big deal to get to the point of being kind enough to myself to ask for support. and, it was kind to him, also, because i really was projecting a negative mindset onto him. so what i am seeing is that when i was good to me, i asked him to help, and he was good to me too. Previously, before the work i've been doing to become aware and change and grow, i would have created a major rift over this. i am really sorry that your partner wasn't better to you about this. it's a big indicator, in my view. But it's also a big indicator of how we ourselves deny, minimize, shame our own needs, and choose partners who mirror that for us. i'm glad i gave him the opportunity to be there for me, actually, and my sense is that he was glad too and more than happy to show up for me. now we can just continue without a rift or misunderstanding, and we grew a little bit right there. Yes mary, you need and deserve tenderness. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 16:16:42 GMT
juniper , I'm sorry you were so sad today. It sounds like such a mix of things going on right now and I can imagine it's sad and isolating. I am so happy you received support when you needed it. And I can see how much progress you have made just asking for the support. I know that can be so difficult to do and something I still struggle with. Yes, I wholeheartedly second this. We need to be kinder to ourselves and ask for the help. Well first, I need to find the right person to ask . thank you @mary ! it was really a big deal to get to the point of being kind enough to myself to ask for support. and, it was kind to him, also, because i really was projecting a negative mindset onto him. so what i am seeing is that when i was good to me, i asked him to help, and he was good to me too. Previously, before the work i've been doing to become aware and change and grow, i would have created a major rift over this. i am really sorry that your partner wasn't better to you about this. it's a big indicator, in my view. But it's also a big indicator of how we ourselves deny, minimize, shame our own needs, and choose partners who mirror that for us. i'm glad i gave him the opportunity to be there for me, actually, and my sense is that he was glad too and more than happy to show up for me. now we can just continue without a rift or misunderstanding, and we grew a little bit right there. Yes mary, you need and deserve tenderness. Man, I have a long way to go. You're right, I deny that I have needs, therefore choose partners who mirror that. It actually hadn't dawned on me to be upset about the period thing until right now. But you are right, he should have been more caring about the situation rather than be upset that I had to leave. I don't even get to the point of thinking that he doesn't care about my period. It's not a rift or even a ripple in my brain. Wow, eye opening! |
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Post by ocarina on Sept 7, 2018 16:28:16 GMT
Revealing neediness is so NOT what being DA is all about - the fact that you can even experience the feeling of need, loneliness and isolation is a very great sign of awareness and healing. I spent very long so isolated that I myself was not even aware of these needs. Sometimes as we both know, it's easier this way - admitting it to oneself means we admit our humanity - admitting it to someone else - yikes - that's being proper vulnerable.
Funnily enough I have had a similar thing around periods/menstruation general health issues - some kind of wanting not to admit to ever having a problem with anything - and if I did, then being totally self sufficient until I had dealt with it. Friendship has helped heal this enormously and it gets better and better.
Anyway - dear Juniper please come here and talk - I would like to listen!
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 7, 2018 16:36:30 GMT
juniper, THANK YOU for starting this post!! I just had this experience recently. In the past 2 weeks I was on and off extremely emotional about everything not just my ex. I go through the regular ovulation process but I don't get a period anymore due to having an IUD. However, the PMS is there every month along with the cramps etc. I also have a severe chronic illness since childhood that can affect my moods and mobility. Last week my knees were very swollen and I couldn't walk, I was texting with my ex and he offered to take me to the hospital and wait with me. I usually say no thank you and try to deal with it on my own for fear of being a burden, but I decided to say yes and he was a tremendous help, even showing some emotional support. I have a tendency to minimize and ignore both my physical and emotional pain in the way my parents did, however I am learning to parent myself and give back to myself the care I really need and asking for help is part of that. Mind you, I would have liked for him to stay at my place that evening, I felt lonely and sad, but he had plans and so I expressed my gratitude for what he was able and willing to do and mean it. I think for us women, we minimize our periods and we try to hide our feelings more often than not. With my ex, he had a very hard time dealing with my chronic illness and how it affected my emotions. He could deal with the physical stuff, draw me a bath or help me around the house, but feelings I could not really express and have him listen. So, I know this and instead lean on my sister for help there and allow him to help where I know he can and its comfortable for him. I am really glad you got the support you needed and deserved! I appreciate so much the solidarity in this thread and on the forums of course!
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 7, 2018 16:40:38 GMT
thank you @mary ! it was really a big deal to get to the point of being kind enough to myself to ask for support. and, it was kind to him, also, because i really was projecting a negative mindset onto him. so what i am seeing is that when i was good to me, i asked him to help, and he was good to me too. Previously, before the work i've been doing to become aware and change and grow, i would have created a major rift over this. i am really sorry that your partner wasn't better to you about this. it's a big indicator, in my view. But it's also a big indicator of how we ourselves deny, minimize, shame our own needs, and choose partners who mirror that for us. i'm glad i gave him the opportunity to be there for me, actually, and my sense is that he was glad too and more than happy to show up for me. now we can just continue without a rift or misunderstanding, and we grew a little bit right there. Yes mary, you need and deserve tenderness. Man, I have a long way to go. You're right, I deny that I have needs, therefore choose partners who mirror that. It actually hadn't dawned on me to be upset about the period thing until right now. But you are right, he should have been more caring about the situation rather than be upset that I had to leave. I don't even get to the point of thinking that he doesn't care about my period. It's not a rift or even a ripple in my brain. Wow, eye opening! Mary, I so understand what you mean. It often times would not even dawn on me to be upset when my ex was very insensitive to my needs. We get way too conditioned to put ourselves last and it sounds like more and more that you have put his needs before yours. Getting to know you on these threads I have seen such a strong, compassionate and caring person. You deserve the same kind of compassion and care in return. Whatever happens with your partner, I truly hope he can understand how his actions affect you and gets the counseling he really needs to better understand how to take care of you in return. |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 7, 2018 16:41:12 GMT
Explicitly asking for help and describing what is wrong, how you are feeling, and what the other person can do to help is always good. Otherwise, the person might think that they are the problem and might get upset that they aren't good enough.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 16:52:46 GMT
kristyrose, thank you. That means so much to me. Even at opposite ends of the spectrum, we are a lot alike.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 21:49:31 GMT
thank you @mary ! it was really a big deal to get to the point of being kind enough to myself to ask for support. and, it was kind to him, also, because i really was projecting a negative mindset onto him. so what i am seeing is that when i was good to me, i asked him to help, and he was good to me too. Previously, before the work i've been doing to become aware and change and grow, i would have created a major rift over this. i am really sorry that your partner wasn't better to you about this. it's a big indicator, in my view. But it's also a big indicator of how we ourselves deny, minimize, shame our own needs, and choose partners who mirror that for us. i'm glad i gave him the opportunity to be there for me, actually, and my sense is that he was glad too and more than happy to show up for me. now we can just continue without a rift or misunderstanding, and we grew a little bit right there. Yes mary, you need and deserve tenderness. Man, I have a long way to go. You're right, I deny that I have needs, therefore choose partners who mirror that. It actually hadn't dawned on me to be upset about the period thing until right now. But you are right, he should have been more caring about the situation rather than be upset that I had to leave. I don't even get to the point of thinking that he doesn't care about my period. It's not a rift or even a ripple in my brain. Wow, eye opening! this is a brand new awareness for me too, @mary, and it was so striking, i had to share it!! this kind of genuine interaction about bodily and emotional discomfort is new within the last few months. I don't complain, and actually don't suffer much, but i have hidden the fact when i do. and suffering without sharing it almost always leads to actual deactivation for me. ocarina, this goes along with your "double deactivation " thread, where you mentioned a story forming about your partner that put a negative spin on things, or something to that effect. It's very helpful for us to remember that the thought patterns with deactivation assume a negative or disappointing motive or intention from a partner. the "ah, i knew it was too good to be true!" line of thinking. we project that and then act on it by withdrawing. that's why this is such a HUGE breakthrough for me, it's a very personal issue and one that makes me feel needy and vulnerable and yes, i'll admit it, weak in some way. i have two daughters who have PMS issues and i am able to be cery soft and kind to them and help and support them, educate them how to feel better.... and it's just very sad to me that i never thought to extend that to myself by asking for support. I was already deactivating when i stopped, went to meditate, and it occurred to me to share my sadness and the reasons behind it, instead of continuing the deactivation. i had to talk out loud to myself to sort it all out and come up with the idea to just share it with him. i'm glad i was alone in the house, it could have gone another way if i didn't get on top of it. his response was key to stopping it cold. so, i guess this is an example of the co-regulation that we are to aim for in order to become interdependent. instead of the self regulating or deactivation. the lessons keep coming, gawd. really, i am excited but also a little worn out from my deactivating reflex - it's huge right now with all the grief and difficulty in my various situations . my partner is going through it all like a champ and actually learning along the way, so it's ok for us and things are good but HOLY CRAP. it's like a virulent disease sometimes, this stuff. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 21:55:04 GMT
juniper, THANK YOU for starting this post!! I just had this experience recently. In the past 2 weeks I was on and off extremely emotional about everything not just my ex. I go through the regular ovulation process but I don't get a period anymore due to having an IUD. However, the PMS is there every month along with the cramps etc. I also have a severe chronic illness since childhood that can affect my moods and mobility. Last week my knees were very swollen and I couldn't walk, I was texting with my ex and he offered to take me to the hospital and wait with me. I usually say no thank you and try to deal with it on my own for fear of being a burden, but I decided to say yes and he was a tremendous help, even showing some emotional support. I have a tendency to minimize and ignore both my physical and emotional pain in the way my parents did, however I am learning to parent myself and give back to myself the care I really need and asking for help is part of that. Mind you, I would have liked for him to stay at my place that evening, I felt lonely and sad, but he had plans and so I expressed my gratitude for what he was able and willing to do and mean it. I think for us women, we minimize our periods and we try to hide our feelings more often than not. With my ex, he had a very hard time dealing with my chronic illness and how it affected my emotions. He could deal with the physical stuff, draw me a bath or help me around the house, but feelings I could not really express and have him listen. So, I know this and instead lean on my sister for help there and allow him to help where I know he can and its comfortable for him. I am really glad you got the support you needed and deserved! I appreciate so much the solidarity in this thread and on the forums of course! ah, kristyrose, i'm so sorry to hear about your chronic health problems you suffer so much from! and i am very happy that you are finding a way to re-patent yourself around this and find the care, tenderness, and support you need! hugs!!!! 🌸 |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 21:58:27 GMT
Explicitly asking for help and describing what is wrong, how you are feeling, and what the other person can do to help is always good. Otherwise, the person might think that they are the problem and might get upset that they aren't good enough. , thank you for offering your male perspective on this! and omg, you're right! i was already projecting a negative mindset on him, and i am so thankful that i stopped the process and got honest and vulnerable instead of hurting him with withdrawal or any coldness. thank you again! |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 8, 2018 6:22:12 GMT
I'm actually all over the place this month (I might go to the doctor) being emotional and super, super tired. I have a bad case of anemia (I've had blood transfusions because of it before) so some months it affects me this way. But luckily I never get cramps or anything. I've never said to my partner explicitly this, but this month is being hard so I might 😊 I feel very vulnerable and weak. And yes, I never talk about this with guys, feels like a taboo thing for me. Last time I was even embarrassed to buy tampons with him, very immature 😞 hahahaha Thank you all for your input! kristyrose and juniper, I hope you're feeling better. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2018 12:20:59 GMT
lilyg, thank you, i felt so much better after talking about it, and i spent some time with one of my wise women friends yesterday so that was great. and, i hope you can share your monthly distress with your partner. I know that men don't know really what to do about this, but it's just a matter of sharing our reality and asking for a little tlc, even just some kind words and the recognition that we are having a hard time can be helpful. for me, it's more about being genuine and gentle to myself by not hiding something big from those closest to me. i'm happy to be a woman, and this goes with it but it's part of a life-creating cycle. ♥️ it's just the real deal, and it's sometimes difficult. nothing to be ashamed of.
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