I met the Phantom Ex and it was all lies

I once had an opportunity to meet the phantom ex and I didn't because I felt too threatened. But now that I found this board and understand what it's about, I kind of wish I did. It probably would have been illuminating at the time, during the relationship, and tipped me off to what I was dealing with.

All I know about her life since then is she ended up marrying another guy who looks just like our ex! (And that photo was an accidental social media find because we have mutual connections.)

it seems like it would take quite a bit of dysfunction on your part to even be in a relationship ship with the ex you are describing, and you are saying he is DA but describing someone who seems to have pathological behaviors.

i'm not sure what your objectives are here on the forum but while you're here you might want to take a look at your end, your attachment style, and why you picked this guy as a partner.

 I don't recall saying that I was upset.

Thank you for your concern, I appreciate it.  I am no longer in a relationship with this individual.  I have a restraining order against him now, actually.

That sounds like narcissistic behavior from my untrained eye. However, as others have said, it would be best to examine your own thought process and actions in the relationship. Something that I personally wish I'd learned much earlier is that there is no one fucked up person in a fucked up relationship, and if your partner, or ex-partner had problems. .. you probably have problems too.

I don't think people suggesting you look at why you were drawn to or stayed for however long in a relationship with someone abusive are blaming you. You might have done it because you didn't feel properly loved as a child, that's not your fault. Learning self-insight, finding ways to heal and ways to avoid getting into harmful relationship dynamics in the future doesn't necessitate blame. Of course someone should not be abusive. Everyone here is encouraged to look at themselves, it's not at all about looking down on you for having dated someone abusive.

Your other thread asks "Is this normal?" which sounds like you are asking if the behavior you described is common/typical behavior for someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, and it isn't. He has far more going on than just dismissive attachment. Yes of course he can have both a personality disorder or mental illness and a DA attachment style, it's just that it is much more harmful to date someone who has both going on and isn't "just" DA. Some people might be sensitive to the way that insecure attachments are often conflated with severe personality disorders, as we don't wish to be seen as monsters simply for having anxious or avoidant tendencies. Most people with personality disorders are insecure attachers, but most insecure attachers don't have personality disorders and aren't abusive.